Happy New Year.

Another year, another day, another page. As life goes by, days turn to weeks, to months, and thus comes a point when every being on the planet, accepts the birth of a new year. A new cycle to what we are, where we are, and what we are doing. It’s a strange and wondrous feeling, to know that you have been here for another cycle, another rotation around the sun.

Its something only we, as humans, can truly appreciate. Something we can sit back and honestly contemplate as a truth. A way of life. What comes in the next twelve months? What will walk forward for us in the future? What, pray tell, does the new year hold for me?

As I question this, and as I consider the ramifications of my past actions, as I look back at what I have garnered this year, what has come to pass,what has flown by me. I can only look, and think…I have learned.

I’ve discovered in my heart the absence of love, even in the face of being handed that which I should love. I have discovered again the pain of betrayal. I have learned that sometimes, to achieve a victory, you must surrender. I have learned that friendship can be a powerful thing, even if on a casual level.

I have learned so much, and have allowed my mistakes to trail me, trace me, and outline my soul in ash once again. I’ve felt what I thought may have been love, I have lain once again in the arms of a woman whom claimed to love me. What is true, and what is false, I know not. All I can attest to is my inner emotions, a raging storm that seems something I’ll never truly conquer.

I’m over her. The pain she inflicted upon me is no longer on the surface, merely deep within my soul, a scar as the many which I already hold to me. It will heal in time, or it will fester as others have. It matters not really. When I think of her, I think of the song, “lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off” by Panic! At the disco. It fits the relationship to such utter perfection, I listen to the song and smirk, knowing that no matter how it hurts, burns, or scars, I’ll always be better then her.

So I look forward, to what love may wait, what love I may have thrown away, and if I should merely use others for my own ends until I am healed enough for something more healthy then the darkness that I know lays within me. Only time can tell what will happen there.

I suppose what it comes down to, then, is that I will live. I will come out of this swinging. I will not merely stand idlely by as the world happens around me. That has been my downfall for years, that has been what caused me to fuck up with meeting Mecca, but it is also what had me meet Mecca, and has as such, shown me I am NOT beneath other women. I am NOT a hideous wretch with nothing to offer.

This past year, as evenly matched as it has been, has shown me a new side, and as Mecca drinks herself into whoring at Heather’s tonight, I sit at home, knowing I could have the same if I wanted. Knowing that once a cheater, always a cheater. With that in mind, I can smirk as I think of her finding happiness, and know that she will never, in her life, find happiness, because the moment she picks up a drink, the nearest thing with an attraction to her, is fair game.

I almost feel like writing poetry, but it isn’t inside me tonight, sadly enough. However, there is much else within me. A calmness which I will savour.

My resolution. In the new year, I swear to not let life pass me by. I swear I will move forward, and find what is right for me. I swear I will do my damndest to give myself what I deserve, with who I deserve. I will find, in the future, near or far, within the next 12 months, someone else to be with. Be it short or long term, I don’t care. I want someone to be with me, and in so doing, someone I can look at and say, “I am not alone.”

That is my resolution. To not be single for the whole year. I imagine that will be more easily remedied when I renew my health card and get my age of majority card shortly after my birthday. After all, what better way to meet women, then hitting up the bars now and then. Though the munches at ’55 Special on the first Thursday of every month is what interests me more then anything at the moment.

Suppose I will see what comes to pass.

To the future, may it hold the oppurtunity for the lessons of the past.

Happy new year, my readers.

Zodiak, Out.

PS

Princess, grow up. You, nor her, are worth my time. Please, put your comments elsewhere, as they'll simply be deleted here.

Bah Humbug

That time of year yet again. Alone yet again. No idea where I am going in life, yes...Again.

Seems the holidays, though a time cherished by friends and family, leaves one without either in the cold.

It is something I have come to respect, and understand as a call in life I will likely be answering for some time to come. I've been single, or alone, for christmas since before the death of my mother when I was sixteen.

What makes this any different? I suppose I'll not change, no matter how the years pass. I was actually supposed to celebrate it this year, had full intent to, even decorating the house for the season. Which did not go near as planned.

So instead, here I am, a bottle of whiskey in hand, korn playing as loud as possible, and wondering why thoughts of suicide won't leave me alone.

I imagine they will fade in time, I've never let them get to me yet, and the liquor numbs the feelings, such as they are. I drink for the reason any drunkard drinks...To forget. And With prayers to eternity, I will. Maybe I'll go to the store and pick up some eggnog. Or maybe I'll drink the rum straight.

I just felt the need to say it really. Those of you readers whom have family, loved ones, things you cherish, remember them. This is not a season of money and presents, it is a season of love, giving, caring, and remembrance of a child born to a whore mother that changed the world for the better.

To any religion, have a happy holiday, and hold your dear ones close, for they will be there always. Don't shun family, they're the only things you can't change. Don't abuse your friends...They are the ones who will have your back in a bind.

Hell, who knows what I'm saying anymore. Stay safe, world.

Zodiak, out.

The Amusement of the Past

You know, someone was reading my blog tonight, from the beginning. I couldn't help but think, perhaps I should do the same. After all, there is nothing better then to look back where you've been in order to find where you may be going.

I couldn't help but notice, that the last post before november was my issues with my brother Gerry (by the way, for those reading...he actually appologized profusely for that some time ago and we are fine again).

However, the post before that....I can't help but quote it as I laughed when I read it...

"She is the best thing to ever happen to me, in a very long time, and her being the one is not merely a slight possibility, it is a near certainty (though it is also possible I will look back on this in a couple months and think "you fucking moron!" -yes, I understand I can be gullible and naive in love, is it that scary?-)."

You know, reading that, I won't say I was a fucking moron for that. She was hardly the best thing to happen to me, though obviously, with how much she used me as a crutch to get on her social feet, I was the best thing to happen to her.

So I'm moving forward with my life, and realizing, as things move on, I'm still an Ambivert, a High Malk, and a Gorean. I will always live by Honor, Pride, and Strength. Its in my heart and soul, and why deny a decade of my life?

I can't help but think though, no matter what happens, I am making progress. A year ago right now, I was alone. I was running more then two years single. I was living in a horrible situation, and I was living with people in order to make ends meet.

I may not have a family anymore, and I may have few friends, but I have more then I had a year ago. I may not be celebrating Christmas again this year, but at least it will not be a day of misery. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm living my life however I want it to go.

Where my past has been spurts and bursts of sheer fluke and chance for a relationship, where I've let things come to me for fear of my depression interfering and shattering my resolve, the scars on my arm aren't even fully healed from my break up with Mecca, and I've already pushed her far enough away from my remote possibility of caring, that I'm a normal functioning adult.

Moreso, I'm a normal functioning adult with a date tomorrow night with an attractive, smart, witty, and very compatible, girl. I mean hell, to me, even if it doesn't work out (which I think, at least for awhile, it will), shows me that I am evolved. From a year, to three years, to less then one month.

I think that is all the sign I need that my life is going in the right direction. Which further tells me, my personality shift, my reverting to what I once was with what I had become, has been an improvement that will lead me to a future that is not near so shattered as my past has been.

As a young man, I was a player, one who bounced from woman to woman in the shadows, and didn't care of the consequences. As a man, I was monogamous, however it also led me to long stretches of time without a relationship to be in. I suppose this shift of the two, has led me to a player's resolve to finding someone new, with the Monogamous mindset to merely have it at one.

I've never in my life cheated on a woman. I've had open relationships, I've had polygamous relationships, I've had monogamous relationships. I've always stayed in the standings of the given relationship. I will never cheat....The last three women I was with cheated, and honestly, I see no reason behind it, nor purpose.

In any event. Time to go do the cat's litter. I've procrastinated enough.

So, have a good evening, enjoy your weekend, and envy the man who is seeing Sweeny Todd tomorrow!

Zodiak out!!

A new Horizon

Alright. So jaded and bitter against love. Being burned worse then the trees caught in a brush fire. Seems I’ve got the biggest sob story that is full of enough shit to fertilize a farm yard. However, despite all of this, I somehow managed to stagger onto something of a better chance.

Despite all the horror stories I’ve heard of these dating sites, and everything I’ve read, and the very large lack of response to the profile I carefully put up on PoF.com….However, despite it all, I managed to meet a girl. Sweet, kind, intelligent, with a great personality. She’s cute, which is a perfect bonus.

A blonde….For those who know me, knows exactly what that means. However the larger picture should be looked at, always looked at. Which I do. Again something those familiar with me, know. So this is my new chapter. Whereas Dawn took me three years to step up again, Mecca has taken less then a month.

I can still feel the warmth of her lips against mine. Her body pressed against me in the cold in the farewell hug. Even the smile on her face as she boarded the bus to go home. Is that strange? No, not for me. Not for someone who is already looking ten steps ahead with the full knowledge of what I intend to do next.

So as one might expect. I already have it mapped out in my unconscious mind. Twenty scenarios have run through my head, not all are positive of course. However, even so, I believe I like the odds. Being a gambling man…All I can say is…Dovie'andi se tovya sagain.

I feel like writing poetry, but with music in the background, there is no concentration for it. So until it flows out...

Peace,

TheZodiak.

Almost Depressing

You know, the more I look at those around me, the women, men, those in happy relationships, and even those single, who just seem to think they are so much better then those others out there.

Makes me just shake my head and laugh, then realize the more I see it happen, how shallow the world is. Looks are everything it seems, the all important fundamental for a woman to say "hello" back, or to see more then a simple friend in your pleasant flirtations.

Bleh, this is more just a sad little vent then anything else, something to say I'm stuck with depression yet again, and am seriously bored with life and being single. Well, bored with life in general really.

But I'll move on, live on, and get everything sorted out. I imagine sometime, eventually, at some point, I'll find someone somewhere who isn't shallow and egotistical. Who realizes a good thing when they see it.

I again doth protest though...dating sites suck.

Peace out,

Zodiak.

The dating scene.

So after two weeks without a phone, I finally have a new one. Well, after $250 out of my bank account too. Now that one hurt. Nevertheless though, new number, new phone, and no more connection to the past.

I have come to realize though, that online dating can be a pain in the ass. How do you talk to a girl who has little interest in talking to you. I suppose the more amusing thing, is to think that women on an online dating site can still be shallow.

Kind of interesting when one thinks of it. Using something meant to find your ideal match, or at the very least find someone who can become such. Its something of an enigma that those whom would use it, would decide that despite everything they put into it, read on it, and learn from it, that they’d still sink to looking for a god of a man in body without worry about personality.

I suppose that is the female sex for you. However I won’t let it bother me. I actually realized something yesterday, something I never even thought of before. My self-worth. Its one thing to look at myself in the mirror and fake confidence, its another to realize I actually have that kind of confidence in me.

So this realization came when I got out of watching Alvin and the Chipmunks (great movie, I definitely recommend it). I was hanging out with an old friend/ex-girlfriend, Erika, and her friends were around. One of them was actually cute, a little young for me, but hell, nothing wrong in the admiration of beauty.

Anyways, I flirted a little, and commented that though she was cute, she was definitely too young for me. Her response was, “I’m also out of your league.” My initial reaction to that was, “Yes, yes you are.” However it clicked as I looked at her, yeah, she was cute, but she had flaws too; and no, she was not out of my league. If anything, I was out of her league. I am slowly coming to the realization that I am not some hideous monster.

Sure I have a belly on me, sure I have only slightly above average looks. But I also have a brain. I have skills that no woman will ever see in any other man. I have a great personality when I choose to exercise it, I am charismatic and easy to get along with.

I have more worth then some might think, and I don’t think I’ll let my past bring me down anymore. Why should I? Sadly, I do still have to deal with 95% of women being shallow in their views of a man. You can’t deny it, ladies. When you look at a guy who doesn’t immediately set your heart pounding, and makes you want to lick your lips, you don’t even want to get to know him.

Well, either way, I don’t intend to give up anytime soon, and I don’t think I have anything to hide anymore. Not that I did before. It occurs to me though, in a world of anonymity like the internet, or an online dating site like plentyoffish.com, what is the harm in being honest? If you don’t like a guy, say so. If you have an interest in his personality, say so. Seriously, think about it. Why lead a guy on? Tell him you have no interest in him. Women who lie are pathetic. I am hoping to find one who will not lie too often at least.


peace out,

The Zodiak.

Leaving the Past Behind me.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Truth Will Set you Free.

So we all make mistakes, and those of us whom are responsible tend to own up to those mistakes and ask for forgiveness, or learn from them and move on. Guess Mecca never learned that lesson when growing up. It just seems to make those last days all the more cheap and pathetic.

So she finally told me why she broke up with me. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t that she wanted something else in her life; it wasn’t even something to do with the relationship. No, it was because, while drunk, she cheated on me. She was at Heather’s for the night, refusing to come home to her loving boyfriend and Master, and instead stayed there made out with some random guy.

When she came home the next day, did she tell me and ask for forgiveness? Tell me she was sorry, that she was drunk and didn’t know everything that was happening? No. No, she decided to hide it, and decided then, that she no longer wanted to be with me; that the past eight months weren’t worth a moment of honesty.

She avoided me, sidestepped me, and then spent our last day together, the Saturday, trying to make up for all of it, trying to give a great last day; by using me for break up sex when I didn’t know the impending doom, by treating me like a prisoner getting his last meal. It was such a set up for an execution that it isn’t even remotely funny.

Worse, is that through it all, the only reason she finally came clean, the only reason she decided to tell me, and confide in me the true reason for the break up, was because I said if I knew, it would give me closure. Yeah, it gave me great closure alright, I couldn’t even feel anything after she said it, typed it rather. I ended up doing something royally stupid, and spent the night where I hate to spend any time. I’ll have to live with that mistake of course, and move past what was the old me, and towards a newer me that has more control.

I can’t stand to make stupid mistakes without learning from them, and last night definitely taught me a lot, such as scissors, no matter the quality, suck for slicing flesh. Though today, I have also learned, that cling wrap over a bandage before the tape, can save your skin and arm hair from the agony of ripping the adhesive off.

Am I over her? Probably not completely, but it isn’t going to stop me from going to work on Monday and asking some of my co-workers who they know that is single. Getting back on the horse, and actually being on said horse, is probably the best way for me to get past this. I just need something else to concentrate on, without something more to put my mind to, I’ll merely end up overanalyzing the past.

It seems the more I analyze it, the more I wonder if I’m still willing to forgive her, even after all of this, though I think the anger, rage, and hurt, should be able to spring up long enough and often enough to stop me from doing something so foolish.

Until next time,

Zodiak, Out.

Life is a Journey of Steps and sunsets
Just like love is a slow way of dying
All you knew in life you can carry to death
Just like smiling is a slow way of crying.

Deny Yourself

Deny your nature, and you deny yourself. If you deny yourself, you will crumble to ash. Its a simple philosophy, and one I believe is true. If one denies their nature, they cannot survive. If a wolf denies its nature to hunt and kill, it will die. If a gazelle denies its nature to flee at danger, it will die. Breathing is in us, unconcious and part of our nature. It is what it is and what we accept and will always follow; and why shouldn't we?

I have never denied my nature, however I have explored different parts of it, and I have definitely delved into parts of my mind, self, and nature that I have not necessarily ventured into before; and why shouldn't I?

After so many years of many facets of myself, masks and traces of other selves. Of all these personas, there have been some I liked, and some I disliked, and some even that have left a bad taste in my mouth. I look back on all of them, and I evolved. From a child to a Man, with a schitzophrenic methodology, a timid child, to valiant defender, to quiet accepter, to strong promoter, to follower, leader, teacher, and more. I turned to another path, a point of my life that I still believe was a good choice, a strong choice, and one which I am stronger for making.

What is wrong with changing one's self to better one's self? I did it, and have been bettered for it. However, I believe I can better myself even more. With the experience I have gleaned in my past, with the strength of character I have built with the past half decade. I think I can combine the two, make something stronger, someone more tuned, knowing, knowledgeable. In the same breath, one whom can truly be what I truly deserve to be.

I started this today, this new me, this new point of view. Some people seemed impressed, noticing the difference immediately, others seemed ignorant of my changes. Others still questioned the wisdom of my new self.

Though in questioning the wisdom, they received answers, and in those answers, have accepted my newfound change.

It seems to be for the better, extroverted, confident, collected, slightly high Mach (ok, majorly high mach, but I always have been), and someone who I think might actually be liked.

Some say these changes cannot, and do not, spawn over night, and I agree. This was hardly something spawned and grown over night. This change has been in the making, under development, for more then a decade.

So let it see the light....Dovenya Sa Tovya Sagain....And the wheel weaves as the wheel wills.

Peace,

Zodiak Out.

Life is a Journey of Steps and Sunsets

Just like love is a slow way of dying

All you knew in life you can carry to death

Just like smiling is a slow way of crying.

It Always Hurts.

I'm so fucking pathetic. I just don't understand it, and I never will get it. Why the hell do I always let this happen to me? Why don't I take the initiative and act on suspicions aside from minor queries? In all seriousness, this kind of thing will ruin me in the end, as it has ruined me to this point in my life.
So she left me, moved back in with her parents and took the majority of things from the house. Left a few things for me, things that we bought together, I bought, or that was a gift to us. She left the bed (a good thing, since the buying of it forced me to trash my old bed), she left the couch (a gift from friends of her family), and she left the AC (something I was paying off, but she now tells me not to worry about it). She left the silverware and the plates/bowls, but took all the pots and pans and frying pans. She left the broken toaster oven, but took the cheap $3 garbage can from under the sink.
She took her bird, left my cat. I hope that April (the finch) will be alright. I was the one that had to look after the bird for near to the past month, feeding her when she was days without food, giving her water when the water dish was bone dry.
Half of me looks at all of this from a neutral standpoint, saying, "You knew this would happen, why are you acting so surprised?" Then a part of me says, "I hope she is alright and finds happiness in her future." And as that part of me is what I openly let others see, a corner of my soul screams out for her to rot in the deepest, darkest pits of hell and never emerge.
Which one I actually feel, I don't know. It hurt that she left me, but I knew it would hurt, and I knew that it would happen. So why am I still so hung up on it? Probably because you can't be with someone for more then a month without some kind of emotion hanging in the balance, saying "why?"
Its not me, its her. I'm telling you, with that kind of cliche hanging over my head, I'm surprised I haven't tried to kill myself. I mean, what the fuck, right?
Hell I don't even know what I'm saying. I guess right now, I'll just pick up the pieces, pull myself together, and work things out one at a time, as they come to me. I have bills to pay, stuff to work out, and too much going on right now to let one small break up with a girl who was hand delivered to me bring me down this low.
Don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened. Its better to have loved and lost. Easy come, easy go.
Whatever cliche quotes I want to use, whatever shit I want to spew, it won't matter in the heart of it all, when I say, in all honesty, I loved her more then anything, but when she told me she was moving out, it wasn't pain, fear, or hurt, that I felt. It was a soft numbness that seemed to say, "On to the next chapter, Chris. This one is over."
So on to the next chapter, I hope it holds more surprises to the plot then this last.
Peace.

Absence, My Appologies.

It seems at times that the world is passing me by, or that I'm passing by it. Like everything that seems to be happening, is happening to someone else. I'm not sure why it is, or why it happens all the time, but I know that the more it happens, the less it seems to baffle me.

The more I analyze my relationship, and the more I try and loo at it from a different vantage point, the more I realize that to me, it is never going to change, no matter how I view it, glance at it, or think about it.

Yet in other respects, in other notes, in another person's perspective, everything is changing, everything is moving in another direction, and everything is slowly falling apart. I can't speak for Mecca to be sure, nor can I truly define what is in her mind. What I can say with certainty, is that it is not the same vision that glows within my own mind.

She says she is changing, and I know she is, and she has been since we started dating, and it will be a continuous change to be sure. But i can't help but think, hope, pray, that no matter what changes, how it changes, or why it changes, that we will be together. I want to be with her, and will always (I believe) want to be with her.

I can admit, at times I get short with her, or my mind reels a moment. I have even lost my temper once or twice. Never violently, and never for long. Merely brief lapses in judgment that I can't prevent, nor puzzle through before it happens. I know that my controlling nature, that which drew her to me in the beginning, is starting to turn her away from me. Which frightens me more then anything else ever could.

What else am I supposed to do, though? I've changed, adapted, abandoned that which is my lifestyle in all but name. I've done all I can to change to make us work, make this work, worked as a chameleon as I so often did in my past. I'm running out of ideas, being myself scares her, being someone else bothers her. Where is the happy medium that will allow us to move forward? I am happy with her, no matter what I have to do for it, I am genuinely happy with her.

Things just seem to become muddled. I'm lost in the mix. No matter what way I turn, I don't know where I am in relation to the solution. For the first time in a very long time, I'm unprepared, and unsure. I'm resorting to tactics and methods that are beneath me.

My World
As the broken world begins to turn
I see the shattered space between
I read the lies on the lips of the truth
and I wonder what I did to get here
I know the broken skies are mine
that the shattered earth is my eternal home
that the mind that once saw clarity
will become something murky and windswept
Like the plains of the tundra
Like the world I adore
I can't keep wondering where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
But I know what I've experienced
What i've learned
In the gray of the dawn
A light that is not natural
It glows eery in the dawn of my heart
not gray, nor red, nor the orange of day
Not blue, nor green, nor the brown of earth
this colour doesn't exist
not in the natural spectrum
not in the heart or mind of anyone
not even something in my own realizations
How can I move forward in an epic world
one shattered and broken and left unfelt
When the cure and glue that holds it together
is so tentatively wrought from loneliness and sorrow
Like an epic poem that has no rhyme
my world is broken and left alone
I hope it returns to the once glorious past
a time I could be there and know it was my own

Original,
Christopher Alexander MacLeod

My World - A Variant

Shattered, broken, dishevelled ruins
A world destroyed and misconstruan
Thought and process and creation gone
rights and truths committed to wrong
nothing living all left for dead
a sky of vicious color bred
blood and gore and confusion alone
cruelest words cut right to bone
nothing here and nothing left
this world I know is my own test
A test of faith of heart and more
I know I've been here all before
I've touched and tasted and felt so torn
Yet this love I know is pure self born
I can't move forward without looking back
I try and forget the past, forever lax
I can't understand the differences I crave
Crawling on hands and knees in a cave
dark and dank it slowly devours
what faith I have in higher powers
no epic poem with verse unrhymed
tis word for word perfect timed
I love her and need her as my world collapse
I can't draw further my minds own maps
I write and think it will make a difference
Yet in the end is my heart's own severence?
I need and want, but not as I have the past
not death nor pain but a life to last
a love to hold and keep so dear
losing it all is what I fear
the sky bleeds crimson and chaos reigns
I can't help but feel the burning flames
would I die or live or just survive
without her in my arms would I be alive
I can't answer, don't know but I believe
that in the end I'd not deceive
with truth and honesty I'd let it it lie
whether I should live, or should I die.

Original By:
Christopher Alexander MacLeod

With those words, poems, and variants of thought, I leave you my readers, my friends. I will likely be back more often as much toils in my mind as of late. So hold patience with me, and I appologize for my long absence.

To my Readers

Now, I know some of you are friends, others are family (at least one of you) And others still are just random people I'd almost think creepy if I didn't know how weird the world was to begin with.

Whether you read this to keep up on my life, to amuse your own, or to merely see what kind of poetry I may or may not write, it doesn't matter, I lost a friend today, an old old friend. Not to death, no, to immature bullshit.

However, my readers, it is something I wanted to share, including the email leading up to this. One email is missing, the original, which I can summarize easily enough.

I sent Gerry an email, this email was simple enough, it could be summarized with:

Gerry, look, if you have an issue with me caring for my girlfriend more then rolling dice, then there isn't a whole lot to talk about then. The fact I am with Mecca and she makes me happy is all I really need. How you can fault me for wanting to be with her, as opposed to someone i don't even like, is rather naive. Then again, the fact you will no longer game with me because I took time out to make sure she was ok, kind of says that as well. So no, I am not like Zac, because I haven't ditched my friends for a woman whom I am stalking, I actually have the girl. I still hang out with my friends, I've gamed with Nick, Jenn, Chris, I hang out with Kat and Ryan and people from work. You just don't like that I don't hang out with you, which I find unfortunate. So if you can ever get over this, we can talk, cuz I still love you. Your brother, always. Love, Chris.

-------------------
That was the first email. A little harsh, but it ended with a note that said I still and always will, care. His response:
-------------------


Childish bull shit, you dont even have the balls to Drop a conflict with some one who dd nothing wrong in reailty. Yeah i like zac i have for many years, i put up with the bs because deep down in his hear he is a golden kid and thats the bottom line. chris you two are a lot alike, and if you keep rippin on the guy who has been there since i was 7 years old your stuck in high school, and i am above that, If you rip on zac again, I wll be done with you for good!

Im sorry man the truth about it is, zac fucks up, lies, cant hold a job, But he cares he loves , he is smart and deep deep down He knows he and i are a team, he gets in shit i get him out of shit. If you cant accet the kid enought to game together.... you have issues, you cant drop problems, you have problems wth so many people, so my friend untill you grow up and realize that the way you can be is troublesum and the way you treat mecca in public and around your friends makes me sick to my stomache (im a for woman power all the way man) Then you and i will not be talking

BOTTOM LINE

Peace

-------------------
My response:
-------------------

Zac stuff aside, because honestly, that doesn't mean anything to me one way or another. How I handle situations with people I don't get along with is no one's business but my own.

Mecca and I are in a relationship, one that works for her and I. You can be all about woman power, go for it man, good for you and I'm all for your opinion which I respect as an individual. I'm all for woman power too, go feminism, all for equal rights. Another thing I'm all for. But what is between Mecca and I is -ours-...It wasn't set out as a condition for our relationship. I didn't say, "you must act as slave unto me." No, she did that not only without me asking, but with me telling her straight up she didn't have to and I didn't expect, nor want it from her. When I found out it was what she wanted and moreso, our relationship that way made her feel special...It is what we will continue to do. If you can't respect my lifestyle choice at least enough to act mature about it, then I don't know if we can be friends no matter how other things work out.

Peace,

Chris.

----------------------
His reply:
----------------------


ok sure, What ever....

there are alot of us in WoW that are wondering why you are not paying us money that you owe now that your cancling. You owe since you are cancling before you hit 70, its brutal that me aci and settie did so much for you, so i wil be expecting my pay out...


----------------------
Now, it should be noted, he called me juvenile (high school) by not forgiving Zac....yet he says this. Makes me wonder where his arguments went. My reply to this was as follows:
----------------------

Excuse me??? I fucking never borrowed gold from you at ANY fucking time. YOU fucking borrowed from me!

I never borrowed from Ehm or Setti either. Go fuck yourself Gerry, that is pretty fucking low.

I may return to WoW in the future, if I do, I won't be gimped in it because someone I play with/used to play with wants to get some fucked up little power trip thinking I owe him shit.

You want to say I'm still in high school? You lied about a video game to get off the phone with me, and THEN decide you want my shit -in- the game because I'm quitting to save myself money? Looks like I made the right choice in changing my password yesterday. I felt guilty that I was doing it, thinking I should trust you more, after this though, I clearly made the right choice.

What the fuck has gotten into you, Gerry? First you get bitchy cuz I have a concern for my girlfriend and you don't want to game with me. Then you get pissy because I won't hang out with Zac, and prefer to spend time with Mecca then someone I don't even like. Then you tell me the way I treat her is wrong (I didn't know buying my girlfriend shit, taking her places, and living my lifestyle which she shares was wrong) and can't respect my lifestyle when you TOLD ME that you could. And now, now you are bitching about a fucking VIDEO GAME that I decided not to play for awhile.

Wow man.....Just wow....It burn you that much that you aren't my number 1 priority as a friend anymore? Is it that hard to not be in the driver's seat with first dibs on my plans and actions? I'm all for the saying "bros before hoes" and Mecca even knows that, but last night shows its not about the girl, its about how I "treat" her, and that makes it about me and my lifestyle choice, a lifestyle I was involved in before I even knew you.

No Gerry, you aren't getting my shit. No Gerry, I'm not giving you gold in a fantasy video game. No Gerry, I'm not dumping my girlfriend to hang out with you. No Gerry, I'm not becoming a vanilla bitched whipped boy because you don't want to be alone in the category.

With that said, and my mind -finally- calming down. Why don't -you- get in touch with -me- when you grow up?

Otherwise, don't bother responding to this email, cuz its just going to get deleted.

Chris.

---------------------------------------
Yeah, I flipped. The guy switched gears way too much to finally use a video game in the end to try and cheap shot me? His final response:
---------------------------------------

Go to hell your a loser who is going no where in his already fucked up life

----------------------------------------
Not even kind enough to sign it.
----------------------------------------


Now, I read that last email at least a dozen times, thinking what I could do to him, write back, rip him apart. The problem with being me, is I know what to say and how to say it to hurt someone. I obviously struck a nerve on him without trying, what would happen with effort?

Gerry burned the bridges behind us, and it hurts me that he would. However it won't change anything at this point with his behaviour. Its just life, right? People come and go, including friends, those you think are your friend, no matter if you've known them a day or 5 years.

So, dear readers, tell me...Am I being petty in this? Unreasonable? Is it really something so bad and horrid that I should ask forgiveness? Before anyone says that posting this alone makes me petty, however I've already ruled that out because I did it just for genuine opinions.

So please, comments are welcome, make them at will, I actually look forward to seeing how other people view the situation en masse.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Everything good

Must come to an end.

Isn't that the truth of life though? Nothing good can last? It is something that is a continuous fact of life. I'll understand that one thing, if nothing else, that nothing good lasts forever.

I still have Mecca, so for those readers whom are seeing this and thinking I just had my heart broken, can set your minds at ease (if you cared at all to begin with). No, I am fine in the category of "love" so to speak.

Other things however don't sail quite so smoothly. On chopping waters my life hits breaks in the waves. Sometimes they are good, other times not. This happens to be one of the "not" I suppose. More often then not it is a not actually.

I found out tonight that my roommate will be moving to the east coast with her boyfriend come october. So I have six months to figure out what I am doing, before I lose my roommate and thus the security that she provided for me in someone who was reliable with rent and bills (unlike my last living situation).

The obvious answer to this, or perhaps not so obvious for those whom pay attention to how long Mecca has been in my life, is for her to move in and take Kat's place. Well, not in the most traditional sense. I suppose I have the six months to think on this, and wonder if we are going in the right direction, but I honestly believe right now, that it is.

I've made too many mistakes in my life, more then I can count and still remain in the feasible number of realistic statistics. Though I really don't think Mecca is one of those mistakes. She is the best thing to ever happen to me, in a very long time, and her being the one is not merely a slight possibility, it is a near certainty (though it is also possible I will look back on this in a couple months and think "you fucking moron!" -yes, I understand I can be gullible and naive in love, is it that scary?-). And no, I don't care if she reads this either, hell I read it to -her- as she sits behind me. Another growth in the relationship that I am able to write with her around me.

That growth may actually end up being a saving grace. If I can write with her around me, I may very well be able to draw upon her as my Muse. If I can draw upon her for that inspiration, without empathetically draining her (in the literal energy sense) I could probably begin to write in earnest, and as such, maybe get somewhere with my writing career.

Now there would be a shocker, if I could get somewhere in my writing career there would be far less worries for me to think about. One book sold to a publisher could pay for a few things. Granted it is also an expense for the first book. An author doesn't make that much money until their 3-4th novel. Even then it is only if the first few were popular. If I could manage salary on my writing (as opposed to selling books one at a time based solely on my own pocket fucnds) I would do well for myself and her.

Which means I would need a publisher, steady story ideas, an editor, among many other things. Insert pipe dream here I suppose.

Things will work out for themselves I suppose, or so Bobbi tells me. I'll be fine someway, some how. No...We'll be fine someway, somehow.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

PS Afterthought:

Maybe I should start using Another Blog for writing....Would get more feedback on my work and it may get done faster. Wow...my first afterthought...I need help.

That was Then

This is now.


You know. I had in mind an entry for this point. But honestly....It is gone now. I don't care one way or another. I'm happy, that is all that needs be known. Things are going right and couldn't be better.

So there you have it. I have my friends, what I now call my family, and a woman whom i am slowly coming to love. I don't need anything else, and there is nothing to vent or throw out there for pity, observation, or otherwise.

There's the entry for this. Cuz there's nothing more to say.

Stay safe, live, love, and prosper.

Zodiak, out.

Peace.

Yin And Yang

Balance. Everything in life has to balance itself. It is the state of the universe, the key to survival. Good balances Bad, Positive balances Negative.

So I suppose the karmic build up of my life is still trying to find a balance. What is good, bad, equal, where does the balance lie?

I moved out of my father's house in october. This was a good thing. It balanced out by me moving into a bad situation with drug heads, slobs, and a whore seventeen year old fucking a twenty-eight year old.

I was given a ferret from a dear friend, paid for it and all things with it, so that he could get more attention, which he got with me assuredly. I figure V was a karmic bonus for the shit I took when I was younger.

I moved out of the bad situation, into an even better situation, with a friend in an apartment a little more expensive, but much better for me to be in. There was no backlash here except that cleaning doesn't always happen when it should. But it was a great change over and living arrangement for me. I enjoy it here.

Another good point, was meeting Mecca. The best change in my life so far. I suppose that I will have to come back to, because things build up too quickly sometimes. I made a post here on tuesday night, and already I have another long post pending in my mind for my fingers to put out at eighty to one hundred words per minute.

Last night, V -my ferret- wasn't looking so hot. Definitely not in a happy jumpy mood the way he usually is. I didn't think much of it, he's been sick since mid february. I let him out when I could, though kept a close eye on him because of him being sick.

Well, I let him out last night, hoping that it was just cage depression and that letting him out would have him hopping around in his usual manner, dooking and exploring. No such luck. He wandered a few feet, and slumped to his stomch, and thus was his thirty minute excursion into the apartment.

I couldn't figure it out until later on when he looked really bad off and I lifted him a little to see how he was holding up. He was wet (only a minute later did I find out he was wet because he didn't even leave his bedding to take a crap).....and worse, he was missing a tooth. One of his primary canines was snapped off near the base.

I don't know when, how, or why he lost it, but I didn't see it in the cage, and it was before I cleaned the cage since he was still lazed at that point. I knew at that point he was dying. I was going to take him to the vet this weekend to see what could be done for him, or put him down. What else can you do when an animal is obviously suffering?

I woke up this morning to a stiff pet. I loved him, was affectionate to him, and in the end, it amounted to nothing. Life is just so fragile. I broke down at work to boot. I really can't afford the missed time, but bereavement doesn't count for pets. *sighs* I have no idea what to do, or say, or be like. Mecca is worried for me, as is many of my other friends.

I already gave him a send off, and he is now in a better place (so I hope)....

So with now 13 days absent from work, I really wonder if I'll be keeping my job there much longer. I mean, 9 months more to the year, and I know I'll miss more time. I have to try though. No more days this quarter if I want my raise.

Mecca. There is a raise. The girl is utterly amazing. I don't know what I did to deserve her, but she is the first truly right thing to happen in my life in a very long time. Having her in my life kind of makes me think I'm on the right track for a change.

I left roleplay on the internet, I abandoned the online gorean community, I've not delved into it in the local city either. I've abandoned most of the associates I had while online, I literally mean that too; of those on the internet whom I knew/know, only 6 remain on my MSN list. The rest are contacts from real life.

Just seems I'm finally starting to live in the real world. It took ten years, but my girlfriend is not words on a screen, she's not 1s and 0s. She's flesh and blood. We don't need to save up money for a bus or plane ticket to meet in real life, she's a ten minute drive out from me. It is such simplicity.

She makes things so much better for me. I don't know how I got along without her for the past two years. I'm glad I have her now though, it just feels....right.

So VtM should be happening this weekend. Though who is running it, I'm not sure. I can run a campaign myself (simple enough), or Gerry can start his Hunter campaign. Another option is of course Jenn's Chris running something. I should call Gerry at some point today, he may be willing to come over and comfort me.

To Yin and Yang, the balance of the Universe.

A Broken Zodiak, Out.

Happines Abounds

You know, the more things in my life change, the more I wonder precisely where I am going with things.

I've not been this happy, this "right" feeling in so many years its not even funny.

My last real relationship was more then two and a half years ago, and that was barely even a relationship, more of a mistake to get out of my father's house for a little while.

Now though, with Mecca, there is a connection that, though I know it is there, I just can't let myself rush or push. She is an amazing girl, and it isn't even what we have in common that brings me to this conclusion, but how we get along, and act. There is so much there, our humour is near identical, our attitudes, our thought process.

Its a perfect match stroke for stroke. I mean, it may be a fling, but I can honestly, even after a mere week, see myself spending a lot of time with her, a lot of my future with her. Its not even sex driven, I mean, don't get me wrong, the sex is great, but it is not the only reason we are together. Just holding her in my arms keeps me content, talking to her, seeing her smile, laughing with her, all of it is so amazing.

I know how I sound too, and it is not "whipped" because I don't come to her calling, and I won't call it love, because though I get a smile on my face to think of her, and miss her not even 12 hours after she is gone, I don't feel a chill race through my body to think of her, my head doesn't feel like its full of air when I mention her name.

There is emotion there, and I truly believe that, with time, it can bloom into love, and perhaps something lasting. We click on so many levels it is amazing. I've never moved this quickly with a girl in my life, the closest to it would be Dawn, and I knew her for 18 mths before our 1mth fling and me moving with her to the states, which was entirely impulsive. With Mecca, its not impulsive at all, it just feels right.

One of my earlier posts mentions a muse. I believe Mecca is my muse. With thoughts of her, I truly believe I can write, and write well.

Like a light burning in the darkness
so my heart was fading into night
with a light touch and renewed flame
you gave me a new found reason to fight
to bring the lies and deceit to a final end
I felt your hand upon my heart
looking deep into your eyes
I could feel that I was a greater part
Something to life as I am to death
something there and I know will not rest
I can't help but look into your soul and know
that this is no longer a test
something real in a world of illusion
an image that burns into my own mind
a perfection that I just can't measure
a feeling that is one of a kind
I know there is more to this
though I can't write it all down
when I see you upon your knees before me
I feel what I've sought I've found
I know I'll never forget you
a memory and hope cherished always
I pray I will never lose you
and keep you close for all of my days

Original By:

Christopher Alexander MacLeod

I can write again, and I know I feel the creativity inside my mind flowing. It is hard to say it all at once, and I know that it tends to pile up. I may still be a light sleeper, but I don't mind little rest, if it is with her in my arms. Already I've fallen into the pattern of a man who has adapted to sleeping with someone. I woke up after a short nap today, sprawled from corner to corner, wanting to take up the space she leaves abandoned in her absence. I merely hope I can see her again on the weekend, even if it is for only a day or so. I miss her already, as bad as that may seem to some.

No matter what though, I see her in my mind, in my dreams, in my heart.

Happiness. Everyone has a chance at it, I'm finally starting to see that.

Remember, no matter how dark things may seem, the sun has to rise some time. Even the arctive has daylight, just takes awhile.

With new found hope,

Zodiak, Out. Peace.

Kuuuuu-rrrah!

GERRY'S BACK!!!!!!!!!

God I missed him. I finally got to hang out with him on saturday, met up for lunch at the green leaf cafe (I love their coffee and food). Then we hit the mall, I bought another starter deck for the WoW TCG. Gerry is so hooked on it, it is awesome.

We came back to my place, he met Mecca (and approves. Yay brother!) Played a bunch of the Wii.

You know, I'm glad Ryan is here, that way we -have- the Wii to play. Gerry definitely displayed the traits of a traditional gamer LOL Wii Sports Boxing ended up throwing his shoulder out, rather funny to hear him complain cuz his shoulder aches and pains him.

I got to see him today too, he came to comfort my food poisoned self. Yay for left over easter food that makes everyone sick *mutter*. We played some more Wii, though not a lot else. He forgot his WoW deck, so we couldn't play that, despite that I spent a lot of time building my deck to be at least decent.

He made me make up with Zac, well, at least he made me tolerate Zac so that we could hang out. I really hope that he doesn't expect me to actually like him again. I love Gerry to death, he's my brother and friend, but Zac has screwed me over so many times for trivial (and admittedly not so trivial) things.

Just doesn't seem right for me to re-write someone back into my life just because Gerry wants to play video games. I'll do it, for Gerry, but there is literally not another soul alive (aside from Mecca) whom I would do this for.

I suppose in the end I can just wait it out for Zac to fuck me over again so I can tell Gerry I told him so. I know it will come, it'll take a couple of months, but Zac does it rather often, so it is no Seer-ship or Foretelling to say he'll do it again.

I can hardly wait until the VtM/HtR game starts up. Or better yet, poker nights. I still need to buy a table for it. Which will be difficult with 30 hrs gimped from my pay next check and rent coming out. So I'll be a lil gimped myself until the start of May.

I need to start being careful what I eat and where though, and what I do. Canker sores took me out of work last tuesday, and food poisoning took me out of it today. That is two absences and we are barely a week into the new quarter. Like WTF?

I got one more absence to the end of June, or no raise. And honestly, I kinda want that raise, and the oppurtunity to advance in the industry. I mean hell, why not?

So yeah, watch what you eat, where you go, and who/what you do.

Peace,

Zodiak, Out.

A Muse of Mystery

"I don't mind the Sun sometimes
The Images it Shows
I can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
and softly spoken lies
you never know just how you look
through other people's eyes."
-Avalanche

For some time now, I've been dead inside, a lack of life and love that has not baffled me as much as it has pissed me off.

I had determined some time ago, that in order for me to be able to type, write, and describe things of beauty, I would need a muse, someone or something to channel emotion into and through, something that I could use in order to alight my mind with life and love once more.

I never really expected to find it, and even if I did find it, I am skeptical as it is a great responsibility, even if there seems to be very little involved aside from simply "being" there.

I'm a naturally anti-social person, and those whom know me, know this. Those whom I call friend accept it and embrace me when I crawl out of my shell for the time that it is there. After all, no telling when I will curl into a corner again to hide from the world.

This past weekend, I truly expected to be in World of Warcraft working towards level 60 so Gerry wouldn't guilt me so much. However this was Kat's birthday weekend. I knew there would be -some- socializing involved. I knew the majority of people coming anyways so it wouldn't be that bad. I figured get home, make an appearance, hide away, sleep, play games, make an appearance next day, hide, more games, etc etc until monday.

I could not have been more wrong.

Friday went wonderfully according to plan. Got home, got something to drink, and hung out in my room until sleep and then slept in nice and late saturday. However, the place really needed to be cleaned, and go figure, Kat's friends were doing it.

I'm a very self-conscious person on company doing cleaning. I couldn't kick Mecca out of the kitchen, though I got Gary out of it. However, not kicking Mecca out was a good thing. Standing at 5'6", weighting perhaps 130 pounds, with a soft build, hair cut shorter then a boy's and eyes of a soft hazel, a look within them that sees more then it lets on, full breasts that press against the fabric of her shirt, jeans that hug over the soft rise of hips and accenuate her legs.

I spent nearly an hour doing dishes, and when they were all done, I scoured for more to do. We talked, a fair bit. Did I know I was flirting? Yes, I did. Did I expect anything from it? No, no I did not. Kat had warned me from Mecca already, telling me she was sensitive and very easily offended, to watch myself around her so that I didn't offend her and ruin the weekend by making one of Kat's friends feel bad.

Well, after dishes, the logical step of a single man who hasn't been in the game for sometime, is to try and display an interest in something. For me, that is my weapons collection. One thing led to another, there was mutual flirting, and then she saw some of my poetry. Insert conversation here.

We spoke for sometime, interupted by Kyle, who seemed to more be there to make sure Mecca was ok then anything else. It was (for me) an amusing prospect. Mecca said later that she never even saw it. Yet it was her who leaned back into me to relax and in that body language, told Kyle that it was ok.

I think she sees more then she admits to, always thinking, with a look of thought upon her face.

However, my antisocial behaviour, though successful in avoiding others, put Mecca firmly in my arms for some time. I was not displeased.

In the end, I believe it is possible to cultivate and nurture what she and I have, and allow it to grow into something more, something substantial. She has the potential to be my Muse. And unlike so many Muses of the past, she is not fictional, not viewed through a computer screen with lies and deceit.

I believe with her, if I nurture what we have carfully, could be the Muse that allows me to once again write without a Block or concern for perfection.

A Muse of Mystery, and within Mystery, my own perfection.

May the Gods light Shine on you.

Zodiak, Out.

Rules Lawyer

You know, I've been called man things in my life, among them has been a rules lawyer...I can admit it, and even (at times) relish in the fact that if someone needs to know the rules and system for a table top game I know, I can answer them with little hesitation.

I started roleplay on the internet when I was 12 years old in a chat room that had little to no rules, yet we got by, granted gods were born daily, and killed just as frequently, but moderate characters were created as well. It was a strange balance. As my roleplay life advanced, so did the rules, eventually setting out boundaries, rules, diagrams, systems, everything organized and set up with a basis of rules and regulations to make things fair. Not only did it make it fair, it made it-fun- 9 out of 10 times.

I've learned this system, that system, and many others, and whenever I get into a new gaming system, I like to learn newer and more updated rules so that I can enjoy it to its full potential. Now I can admit that on a table top system, such as White Wolf, and D&D, the rules are guidelines more then rules, they are set out as a basis, to be nudged, and tweaked and touched here and there to enhance the game.

However, where one can nudge and tweak, they can't rip out and remodel. It is those people who call me a rules lawyer, the ones that shred a campaign and take the fun out of it for me. I played D&D last night, it was supposed to be a level 1 campaign, people starting from scratch, new character, no level adjustment, straight up first level campaign.

Doesn't seem that complicated, does it? Roll up a character, and have fun. People did this, out of seven of us (DM included) five of use rolled up level one characters. Hell, five of us rolled up balanced, nonbroken characters that were designed purely for a fun level one game. One person stuck strictly to DM'ing in a system he wasn't/isn't entirely familiar with. The last person? The last person, the gods curse him, created a stone child. Before tonight, I didn't know WTF a StoneChild was. I found out during the night that it is a race from Races of Stone, a new book that came out in the past 4 months along with Races of the Dragon and a couple others. A Stone Child, I came to learn, is a level adjustment of +4. That makes him equivalent to a level 5 character.

So we have two level 1 rogues, one level 1 paladin, one level 1 cleric, and one Equivalent level 5 Monk. Seems a little unbalanced to me. It not only makes it unfair, it makes it unfun. Where is the fun when a character can literally rip apart any mobs it comes across with a single strike (of which he took two-three per round, depending on what he felt like). I can live with that, I mean fuck, it was for a friend whom hadn't gamed in awhile and really wanted to....Though I felt my teeth grinding together when he -dodged- eight attacks from orc barbarians. Not "dodged" as in 'oh hey look, they missed my AC'. No, dodged as in, "I'll sacrifice my next turn, dodge four attacks, and then tumble out of the room to make five actions." Gee, hm...rules.... guidelines.... rules... guidelines... rules.... Who the fuck follows rules anymore? I lost my love of the campaign we ran tonight because of that.

See, normally I wouldn't care, because sometimes I'll break a character too. Nothing is more broken then a first level human fighter who gets three feats weilding a great scimitar. Especially if you ECL him to fifth level where he now has six feats, and one ability point. However I didn't -want- to break the character. I wanted to enjoy a game. A game where it was an even playing field for everyone.

I won't play with that guy again though. I out right refuse. Of course, if him offering to Run a game interfers with my own game and the one Gerry is wanting to run, I'll end up being an utter asshole like i'm used to and hitting him with some bad off color comments about his grand mother's recent passing. Why? Because I'm a cold heartless asshole who doesn't like people who ruin a game for people, especially since one person was just learning the rules.

If it comes down to it, I'll run a campaign in D&D to show how it is supposed to be. I can at least do that, even if my campaigns are majority combat related. Something to think about. We'll see what I work out in my mind.

I hate stupid people, they should wear a sign saying "I'm stupid." - Bill Engvill

And god I agree to that.

Peace.

Zodiak, Out.

A Day For Arguments

Alright, I'd like to start with: People are Incorrigible, ignorant, and annoying as fuck.

Now that I have that disclaimer in place. Today just seemed to be a day for debate, argument, and disagreements. I suppose we can start with the basic, the simple, and the less complicated.

300 was a great movie. It was Frank Miller's interpretation of a great battle, an amazing historical event which took place a long time ago.

I have seen it in theatres twice now, and both times it has impressed me and sent chills down my spine. I know a video game adaptation is in the future, something like "Frank Miller's 300" or something. It has potential.

Tonight, rather then seeing it a second time with my roommate/sister Kat, I saw it with my friend, her bf, and the BF's brother. Jennifer, Chris, and I are all fans of this kind of thing, Chris and I, aside from sharing the same name, also have a love for this kind of historics in common.

Now you must understand, we -know- the inaccuracies of Frank Miller's tale. After all, it was near 7,000 Greeks from various states. But it was only 300 spartans, of that there is no debate in the number. Men trained to fight and kill. The Persian army, by historic accounts, has number ranging from 75,000 to more then one million. You know though, I think even if you look at it from a generous view (in the point of Greece), you can say maybe 100,000? Perhaps a lil less, say 50,000 even. You are still looking at odds strongly in favor of the persian empire.

The Battle of Thermopylae ripped Xerxes forces apart, shredding near a third of his troops before a farmer within greece betrayed the Spartans and showed Persians the goat path in behind the mountains. They were killed down to a man.

Matt, Chris' brother, said the movie was only good until the last 20 minutes when everyone dies and it is the next marker battle against the Persians. His stance, was that it was bullshit and the spartans should have been over run quickly, cleanly, and with little fight. The troops were bottle necked for one. The Spartans were trained military men for two. His second argument was the arrows not piercing the shields. An average spartan shield was made of Bronze, it was 36" in diameter, backed in hardened leather, it strapped to the forearm and weighed in excess of 40 pounds. An arrow falling from the sky, was not something to pierce that kind of armoring.

Of course, Frank Miller neglects the bronze breastplates that Spartans were known for. As well as the Greaves. Some people just hurt my head, and yeah, the history lesson is shitty, but you know what? I wanted to get it out there cuz Matt was too fucking ignorant to listen to it.

Alright, second point of headache. Kathryn.

My dear sweet sister met a guy on saturday at the bar during the little work social. Which in my opinion is great. I'm glad she was able to meet someone. The downside, is that this someone she met, has a girlfriend.

Its unfortunate that she decided to show her interest anyways, and with superior looks and intellect to the girl he is currently seeing, she obviously will win out. But the infidelity is a sad thing. The only debate there was that she didn't understand what she was doing, and denied it even.

See, there is getting to know someone so that you can determine whether or not they are right for you, talk, chat it up, find out what you have in common and don't. They spent some time doing that on tuesday, to the point she had spent 6hrs over her shift time talking to him at work. Tonight however, crossed the line of fidelity to disloyalty and dishonesty. When they were sitting, legs locked with each other, hands upon the thigh of the other, caressing lightly as they spoke in their own private little world.

That kind of action, you either fess up to, or don't do. But that is my own personal view of it. I am the kind of person that will do something cruel, undesired, or worse, and not blink an eyelash when called on it, and then admit it proudly. If I did it I will cop to it. Otherwise I will tell you where to shove it.

Kat won't admit it, though I know, after more then two hours of debate about it, she finally understands what she is doing. Will she admit it? Who knows. I'm stuck in the middle of it though, granted I'll not be touching it further. I'm done with the situation, I'll not alienate her as my friend and little sister just because she is playing temptress and seductress...She'll realize it eventually.

C'est la vie. May life be lived.

Peace.

The Zodiak, out.

Humour in Misery

You know, I have to laugh. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably cry.

Its been some time since I've been in this. Not sure why, not sure if I even care. A lot has happened since my last entry. I've moved, I'm living with my friend Kathryn...She's a great girl, and I look at her sometimes and think, "You know, she's a beautiful girl, intelligent, witty, with a sense of humour well suited to my own. Why am I not going for her?" And then I'm reminded...Family. She is family to me, like a sister. I see so much in her like I saw in Erin before she went to drugs. Something I know Kat will never do, because she's deathly alergic.

Will I ever trust Kat the way I trust so few others? Probably not, likely not ever. Not because she isn't deserving of that trust, mind you, but because I've had my trust fucked over so much, it just doesn't seem like it would be right for me to actually put it in someone else.

I mean hell, I've already determined the effort it would take for me to actually love a woman is almost not worth the few months of happiness loving would give me before even that trust was fucked over.

I got an email from JT awhile ago...Not many people know who JT is. Jason is Krom. A man I met in Gor almost seven years ago. He took me under his wing back in those days, and was a Guardian to me. A Brother and friend. He taught me much of the lifestyle that I hold in my heart in this day. Between him and Kumadono/Barry, I learned much of what it is to be a Master and Dominant.

But anyways....I finally got around to responding to it a week or so ago. I am so rarely online, or on MSN, that I didn't get his reply until yesterday. He's doing good, which I'm glad to hear. He's moved and is with his grandparents. A little offset for a Man in his 30s engaged and a major player...But if it gets him away from the drugs and on a new start, then I'm happy for him and glad it is working out.

I can hope I can get into contact with him on a regular basis again. Seems nowadays I need advice and just a shoulder more and more. Though when I try and think of why, I can never formulate a reason.

Someone I have loved for a number of years, cared for more deeply then many, is getting married. It struck me like a locomotive to the gut. Yeah, Bobbi. That means you. Even as I think of it, and know that I probably will spend even less time online, or even block her to keep myself from dealing with it at all, I know that I shouldn't be selfish about it. After all, she deserves to be happy too, and Rob makes her happy.

I've not experienced happiness in so long. I've gone through the most fucked up development stages in my life. As a child, I was a loner, always struck by guilt trips from my parents, and gaining the ability to manipulate with it. It was in some of the purest forms...I was a kid, it was a game to me back then.

Now, when I say kid, you need to understand, I'm only 22 now. I am talking about when I was nine and ten years old. When I went to garage sales with money I got from conning my father into it. I remember going to a trunk sale once (it was a legion thing, people pack their trunk, meet in a parking lot, set up a stand, and its like a sad lil bazaar)...Anyways, I remember getting $5 from my father, and when someone called me lucky, I said, "nah, you just gotta know how to twist him around your little finger. My mom taught me how." Its pathetic.

But at the same time, it was the same age my father guilt tripped me when I had $2, and him saying he had no money at all, and we were out of bread. I was 10 years old and I was going to the fucking store to pick up a loaf of bread cuz he said we were low.

Probably why I learned to despise guilt trips, even though I know, unconsciously, I do them myself. I just never mean to.

As I grew older, around age 12 is when I got into the online world and gor. I learned to become strong fast. I suffered from clinical depression, so I had to be strong. My mother and I were alone in Nova Scotia, there was family, but it was hardly close...I learned to be strong, because online, many people are not strong, they need someone to lean on, to rely on. They didn't know I was a kid, nothing but a child. They told me their problems, and I matured quickly. I was a rock in the raging river of life, I never broke, shattered, or moved. I didn't attempt to kill myself, though the voices in my mind raged for it.

By fourteen, I had my first psychological break down. I remember it well, I couldn't function at all. It was the first, but it wasn't the last. I have suffered three in my lifetime. Though the last was at seventeen, and pretty much struck the end of my depression too. Over the years I've had a few people I leaned on. People whom I clung to as others did to me. Shannon, JT, Bobbi....To name three. To name the only three. Gerry is in there as well, though even with him I seem a little unknown if I can put my weight on him.

Shannon left my life two or three years ago now. JT has been intermittent, hardly someone I can rely on. And Bobbi....I'd say she betrayed me, but you know what? I betrayed her, and I know that and can accept it. So Gerry is all that is left to me. Yet as I've grown older, without the voices whispering insidious plans of death and self-destruction...I have less inside me that wants to be unleashed.

Worse perhaps, is the fact that I'm also useless for other people. No one relies on me, no one has relied on me for years. I've not relied on others either. I can't even think of the last time I've loved someone. My last relationship was two and a half years ago though. Dawn LaMotte...Cheating little cunt. But it was free rent and bad sex for three months. Why not?

Yet despite that, I can't help but think back to her the odd time. She was pregnant while we were together, with Mine. She said she had a miscarriage. Sometimes I think "what if?" Because you know what? If she ever tried to come after me for childsupport, after the blood tests, I'd sue her so fucking hard and fast for custody, her little mentally deranged head would spin, and I'd win custody. Bad enough she has a daughter that should be given to the system for care because of the mental traumas the poor kid is gonna suffer...I'd not trust her with my flesh and blood.

I'm going out tomorrow night, too. Not sure how that is going to work. Seems the more I work towards something, the more I fuck it up, and the less I want something, the more people push it on me. At the same time, I sometimes wonder about other things.

I can only do so much alone. And I am alone. I have nothing inside me left to bother with life anymore. Wake, work, home, sleep, rinse and repeat.

Its so sad I have to find it funny and laugh...if I didn't, then I'd cry, and if I started crying, I don't know if I could stop.

Peace out,

The laughing Zodiak.

Inspiration

It comes from many places, and many things. For me, for near half a decade, it came from depression and love in turns. I've not had true inspiration for another half a decade after. I wonder if I'll every truly write again, or if the mere passing fancy of it will strike me randomly and flee again.

I started writing last night, though after a page it settled to me being tired. I hope that I can actually write it out, and get it going on a steady stream. After all, I'd hate to let Gerry down and have our collaboration fall apart before its even started.

I suppose I have to find my amusements where I can. I spoke to goreans tonight for the first time in months. Well, Goreans outside of Bobbi that is. It was an interesting conversation to say the least...An Academy based on the etiquette training of the Gorean slave. It could work if done properly.

I sometimes wonder what perverse pleasure I get in talking to some women, especially those whom I know wouldn't look twice at me in the way I want them too. Its interesting though when I do speak to them, and see the look in their eyes as they think, "no way in hell." and I know they see the look in my own which makes their mind whisper, "what if....?"

Who knows. I know that after looking at the erotica I wrote nine years ago, I seriously have to laugh and wonder at what I called "skill" back then. Samples and previews indeed. I now wonder how many people read my works, and thought, "gee, this guy doesn't know shit all." Or if they truly did inspire people to ask for more. I know I wrote my fair share of erotica, sold on commission to those whom requested their fantasies written.

Maybe I'll find inspiration again, some day. I don't know, honestly. But I look forward to it. To the future, and to this bloody migraine that has been jack hammering the inside of my skull since friday.

Peace.

The Zodiak, Out.

If I only could I'd set the world on fire

Everybody say fuck the world (Fuck em all)

That is about where I am right now. I'm so fuckng glad I am out of here in under two weeks. This is getting to the point of fucking bullshit. When I'm kept up until 2 in the damned morning, whatever, I have lived with that since moving in here. Being woken up at 3 or 4 in the morning is about as bad, but I've tolerated. But now when they fucking keep me up with her screaming like a god damned wanton whore until after 2am, then wake me up at 5am, and THEN wake me up and keep me up, at 9am, that is when I get pissed off.

Sure, she's a welfare rat that finally got cut off, a damned 17yr old tramp with two kids. He's a 28 yr old kid on unemployment with two kids of his own. Oh this household is going to be fun when I leave and am not dumping in half of rent and bills anymore. I don't care anymore. I'm just at the point where I think, from here to when I leave, I will be up bright and early in the mornings to play my music and see who is online. Why the hell not? They do it to me often enough.

So Fuck the world, and fuck em all.

Zodiak, Out.

Dark Misery

Darkness has consumed my soul
devoured my heart, no longer whole
Darkness has consumed my mind
devoid of feelings for all time
Nothing in life seems real
I live today and do not feel
I can't always rhyme these words
they devour me from within through agony
I think and wonder why I still live
Yet know that in the end I'll die old
I'll be alone and on a deathbed
surrounded by hallucinations
friends that were once friends
and enemies that still wait to harm
loves that were never really there
and hates that rest in true despair
I can't help but wonder why I'm still around
when I know I will run myself into the ground
an unmarked grave and the county's mistake
I am not sure how much more I can take
I know I'll live and move forward somehow
but even as I do I know it will fail
will fall away and drop
and it will destroy all my hopes
my dreams will be forced to stop
So darkness can consume me
and devour my body whole
my heart and soul and mind and body
will be devoid of a living role.

Original By:
Christopher MacLeod

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, I write poetry, and it empties me from the inside. I can't always predict when the mood will strike me, but it is usually when something collides, or my mood randomly drops to ground zero. You know, like when a girl you like, whom knows you like her, starts talking about how much she likes another guy.

But hell, isn't that typical of my life anyways? Its so rare that things fall into place, that I kind of get used to the disappointment. Not everyone knows my inner workings, I can even count them off on one hand: Gerry - whom still has things he can't peg on me. Bobbi - Whom has been inside of my heart and felt the darkest workings of my mind...She knows more about me then any other I believe. Shannon - who was a part of my life and one I protected and held dear...She knew me, but like the Linkin Park song says, "you wouldn't even recognize me anymore, not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end....." She knew me, yet showed her utter ignorance in the end of things. JT - A Brother and a Guardian to me. Yet someone who has slipped in and out of obscurity so often, I wonder how much of me he actually still knows.

I don't even know my inner workings, I am better at knowing the inner workings of others. I rather sit in dark obscurity myself, just drifting in and out of reality like some bad dream, then deal with what I don't want to face. Which is why I was so deep into games as a child, they took reality away and were much easier to deal with, why I did roleplay online when I aged...Yet my distractions are fewer, and I'm slowly sifting through reality, and wonder to myself why I ever bothered avoiding it. Its drab, and solid there is little change in it, it doesn't fluctuate.

Guess I'll just stick to my subtlety and tact when needed, my bluntness when desired, and in the case of this girl I've been interested in, do what I do best....drift into the darkness of my mind and let her slide off to happiness with someone else. Its not really something I'm in the mood to fight for right now.

Peace,

Zodiak, Out.

The Plot Thickens

Ya know, considering this thing offers to remember my username and password, every time I check it, I have to log back in. Makes me seriously wonder at the simplistic software blogspace uses. You'd think they could at least make it a little more user friendly in that aspect.

Payday friday, gimped 20 hours on the paycheck, technically 30 hours. But Overtime is a god send. So I made it by rent and such no problem. I get $33 in my wallet to last me to the 9th. So that is going to be great fun too. I think I have a date cemented for moving now as well, the 15th by the looks.

Meaning shortly I'll be out of this place, and into a much smaller room in an apartment that can't hold all my crap, with a friend whom I've known five months. Sounds like a blast, huh? Honestly, as bad as it sounds, it isn't going to be bad at all. I am looking forward to it really. Kat is a great girl, and a trustworthy friend, I mean hell, she offered me a place to live when there were other options out there, like Zac......Hey, I said options, I never said -good- options.

Gerry's coming back in April -Squee!!- yeah, that is a girly sound, like I fucking care. I miss him a hell of a lot. He's my Bro, blood is thicker then water, and the bond between myself and Gerry, makes blood look thin. I know he doesn't see our friendship -quite- like that, but to me, heis a Brother. I don't use such a title lightly.

My net crapped out on me this weekend, ironically shortly after I was forced to make the first payment on it. Go figure, now that I'm giving them money for the service, they are gonna screw me over. Typical enough. At least it is up and running now.

Love life...Confusing. Enough so that I'm not going to bother posting about it tonight. Hell, its not so much confusing as near non-existent. Then again, for a guy looking for the long term, you don't really get that far when 89% of women want to have children in their future, and you can't have children. Ah well, was a responsible decision in the end. So shit happens.

Thus is life.

Zodiak, Out.

Red Flags, Fate's Amusement

I don't usually read much into tarot readings, or horoscopes, not regularly anyways. I've had my palm read, have had tarot readings done for me, and they tend to be accurate. I just prefer not to know what is coming, there's more challenge to the unknown.

I've only ever read my base horoscope, that as an aquarius I behave a certain way. However there's been two occasions when I have read my day-to-day horoscope, where the position of the stars are supposed to tell you how things will go for you in the next week or so. The last time was back in 2004 when a dear friend of mine passed away, and my horoscope warned me of a sorrowful loss. The second time was yesterday. Now its telling me that my love life will experience a sudden change, and to not hesitate in making a move.

Now under most circumstances, I'd call that foolishness and a load of crap. However, considering what has happened in my life since friday, it makes far too much sense, especially when my horoscope says the same thing for seven days straight.

I also found out that despite how it -sounds- to my ears, my instinct is not as bad as I thought it would be. So I am still intact mentally, even if I am attracted to a girl, my advice is still sound. So it -isn't- just my selfish reasoning of wanting her for myself that sends up red flags when her boyfriend stalks her and threatens to beat in the head of any man she looks at. Thanks to some friends who pointed this out to me.

So that at least tells I'm not head over heels. Which of course if I truly thought I was, I'd be getting the hell out of Dodge quite quickly. I can't be doing that easy-in/hard-out shit anymore. I was like that far too much in my youth, and it burned my heart out by the end of the phase. I'm ahead of that and grown out of it. I can't bloody well be dropped down for a pair of pretty eyes and great personality.

Next topic.

Why the hell is it that every paycheck almost never looks right, despite the fact I know it is. Taxes are seriously killing me in this work force. I should have gotten paid $660, but then I was told my 50 hrs week would give me 6hrs time and a half. So that would bump it up to $699. How does that manage to rip down $120? It is near to 18%!! I mean come on, there are some things that just are -not- right, and taxing 17-18% on small change is one of them.

This weekend, I was supposed to go to the casino with some friends for my birthday, not happening. Might hit a movie with a friend, a few decent ones came out this week. Or I may simply stay at home and play World of Warcraft and try to get as close to level 40 as possible. I have no idea, I was also invited for roleplay, but I'm not in the best of moods for D&D or WW right now. I need to do a little shopping for a change, and decide if I am buying $80 worth of bus passes again this month to have some money on this paycheck, or dropping $68 today for the monthly. I think I'll probably do the $80 route. its a $12 loss, but it is also the month of february, it will be cheaper for me I think, to get the passes.

And now work is calling, I am so going to need a coffee today. Just need to make sure I don't pull a 44hr run like I did last weekend. Or hell, why not?

The Zodiak, Out.

Another Year, Another Day.

Happy birthday to Me. Guess I can't complain too much, nothing absurdly happened. Far from my 18th birthday.

So now I'm twenty-two. I suppose it isn't a bad progression, I'm still single and likely will be for some time, but on the brighter side, I'm independent of family, living on my own (roommates don't count) and have a steady job that pays well.

I can't help but think that things may end up going awry for me somewhere down the line, and not a long ways down, but a shortways. I looked in the mirror this morning, and thought to myself, "predictions don't mean everything." When I was young, it was predicted I would die before I was 22, and if not then, then shortly after.

Be it suicide or something entirely different, didn't matter to the prediction. I'm beginning to think it won't happen, and it likely won't. Unless of course it already has happened, and the definition of death is something much more broad. I've felt dead inside for two years now, ever since Dawn. Hell, before her, I don't remember when I lost true feeling, sometime after Teresa, before Caroline. However it works out or looks, emotion broke away from the true workings inside a long time ago.

Its been four-five years, since I was with Teresa, the last woman I can say I loved, and not be lying. I wonder if I will love in the future, I didn't love Morri, nor Caroline, nor Dawn. I never spoke those words to them either. So who is to say when I will love again, or even if I'm capable of it.

I tend to ramble around these times of years, holidays, birthday, etc. Times when friends, family, and love, play an important part in one's life. I don't have any family, and love is a fleeting hope, a word which meaning is a beautiful myth to me. Friends I have, few and far between, and it makes me wish I could make more as easily as others.

Finally finished watching DN Angel tonight. Awesome anime series. It definitely impressed me. After watching it, I started on Final Fantasy Unlimited. It didn't impress me. I will probably watch an episode or four before I realize why they cancelled the series before finishing it. The first episode was poorly drawn and the story is too much like a video game -right down to the victory music when the monster was killed- so I don't think it will be something I get too deep into.

Now I sleep, and dream chaotic dreams, and think to myself as I drift into darkness, "What comes next?" Simple...Work in the morning, and life in the future.

Peace out.

The Zodiak.

Dark Dilemma

Alright, so what does one do, when one meets a girl, whom is attractive, funny, smart, kind, and in a relationship?

Simple, you ask your friends for advice, then totally disregard it all and do something stupid anyways. I mean hey, what is the fun of life if you don't make your own mistakes and see how far you can push things?

Granted, there is always the up and downside to everything, especially when you post stuff like this, I mean hell, what stops her from reading it, what stops other people from reading it? What makes me care what other people think. I seriously miss the way I used to be, back when I thrived in drama and politics.

Once upon a time, right? I imagine I'll let my instincts and heart lead me to where my head is screaming is a bad idea. Well, not so much bad, just not the best of ideas. I mean hell, last girl I had an interest in, blew me off like it was nothing. Rejection stings, but if you don't shoot for the target and miss, you can't hit it that one time you get lucky.

I'll probably just do what I always do, move forward, take the cards I'm dealt, stack the deck, and then play my hand with the cards I wanted.

In the end, what happens happens, and I won't be stopping any of it by sitting here doing nothing about it. Probably helping it by keeping it friendly and slow. I prefer not to jump the gun.

It Has Begun

Well, after ten years of refusing to get one of these things, it seems like I have. Granted it was prompted by my supervisor at work, who also has one. I guess the next step is to do that myspace crap and then start monitoring random "top five" lists to see if I make top five somewhere.

I don't know what I'm thinking with this, ah well, a place to vent thoughts is better then simply bottling it up, even if everyone can read it. I suppose it is more interesting when someone can read it, and then feed back on it.

As long as you don't bash up too many people, would be great.

So the opening post would have to be about this past weekend, a whole weekend of gaming and no sleep. I got home from work friday night, and dove into WoW right off. I got into a bet with a friend which had me up until 8am sunday morning. I kinda feel bad for passing out, cuz I was supposed to meet Nic in WoW around noon.

I suppose there is little to be done when you become waffle faced on your keyboard, right? I hope he accepts my appology and is still willing to let me game with him. Not often I actually find a guy I like who is in a position of authority over me. I hate authority figures, but I get along with him, so that is cool. He even approached me about it, so that tells me he isn't doing it just to be nice, but that he is interested.

Well, in either event, there is a lot more to things then games, life and love etc. Not sure how much to elaborate on that. The first post is done, maybe I'll make another.

The Zodiak, out.