Humour in Misery

You know, I have to laugh. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably cry.

Its been some time since I've been in this. Not sure why, not sure if I even care. A lot has happened since my last entry. I've moved, I'm living with my friend Kathryn...She's a great girl, and I look at her sometimes and think, "You know, she's a beautiful girl, intelligent, witty, with a sense of humour well suited to my own. Why am I not going for her?" And then I'm reminded...Family. She is family to me, like a sister. I see so much in her like I saw in Erin before she went to drugs. Something I know Kat will never do, because she's deathly alergic.

Will I ever trust Kat the way I trust so few others? Probably not, likely not ever. Not because she isn't deserving of that trust, mind you, but because I've had my trust fucked over so much, it just doesn't seem like it would be right for me to actually put it in someone else.

I mean hell, I've already determined the effort it would take for me to actually love a woman is almost not worth the few months of happiness loving would give me before even that trust was fucked over.

I got an email from JT awhile ago...Not many people know who JT is. Jason is Krom. A man I met in Gor almost seven years ago. He took me under his wing back in those days, and was a Guardian to me. A Brother and friend. He taught me much of the lifestyle that I hold in my heart in this day. Between him and Kumadono/Barry, I learned much of what it is to be a Master and Dominant.

But anyways....I finally got around to responding to it a week or so ago. I am so rarely online, or on MSN, that I didn't get his reply until yesterday. He's doing good, which I'm glad to hear. He's moved and is with his grandparents. A little offset for a Man in his 30s engaged and a major player...But if it gets him away from the drugs and on a new start, then I'm happy for him and glad it is working out.

I can hope I can get into contact with him on a regular basis again. Seems nowadays I need advice and just a shoulder more and more. Though when I try and think of why, I can never formulate a reason.

Someone I have loved for a number of years, cared for more deeply then many, is getting married. It struck me like a locomotive to the gut. Yeah, Bobbi. That means you. Even as I think of it, and know that I probably will spend even less time online, or even block her to keep myself from dealing with it at all, I know that I shouldn't be selfish about it. After all, she deserves to be happy too, and Rob makes her happy.

I've not experienced happiness in so long. I've gone through the most fucked up development stages in my life. As a child, I was a loner, always struck by guilt trips from my parents, and gaining the ability to manipulate with it. It was in some of the purest forms...I was a kid, it was a game to me back then.

Now, when I say kid, you need to understand, I'm only 22 now. I am talking about when I was nine and ten years old. When I went to garage sales with money I got from conning my father into it. I remember going to a trunk sale once (it was a legion thing, people pack their trunk, meet in a parking lot, set up a stand, and its like a sad lil bazaar)...Anyways, I remember getting $5 from my father, and when someone called me lucky, I said, "nah, you just gotta know how to twist him around your little finger. My mom taught me how." Its pathetic.

But at the same time, it was the same age my father guilt tripped me when I had $2, and him saying he had no money at all, and we were out of bread. I was 10 years old and I was going to the fucking store to pick up a loaf of bread cuz he said we were low.

Probably why I learned to despise guilt trips, even though I know, unconsciously, I do them myself. I just never mean to.

As I grew older, around age 12 is when I got into the online world and gor. I learned to become strong fast. I suffered from clinical depression, so I had to be strong. My mother and I were alone in Nova Scotia, there was family, but it was hardly close...I learned to be strong, because online, many people are not strong, they need someone to lean on, to rely on. They didn't know I was a kid, nothing but a child. They told me their problems, and I matured quickly. I was a rock in the raging river of life, I never broke, shattered, or moved. I didn't attempt to kill myself, though the voices in my mind raged for it.

By fourteen, I had my first psychological break down. I remember it well, I couldn't function at all. It was the first, but it wasn't the last. I have suffered three in my lifetime. Though the last was at seventeen, and pretty much struck the end of my depression too. Over the years I've had a few people I leaned on. People whom I clung to as others did to me. Shannon, JT, Bobbi....To name three. To name the only three. Gerry is in there as well, though even with him I seem a little unknown if I can put my weight on him.

Shannon left my life two or three years ago now. JT has been intermittent, hardly someone I can rely on. And Bobbi....I'd say she betrayed me, but you know what? I betrayed her, and I know that and can accept it. So Gerry is all that is left to me. Yet as I've grown older, without the voices whispering insidious plans of death and self-destruction...I have less inside me that wants to be unleashed.

Worse perhaps, is the fact that I'm also useless for other people. No one relies on me, no one has relied on me for years. I've not relied on others either. I can't even think of the last time I've loved someone. My last relationship was two and a half years ago though. Dawn LaMotte...Cheating little cunt. But it was free rent and bad sex for three months. Why not?

Yet despite that, I can't help but think back to her the odd time. She was pregnant while we were together, with Mine. She said she had a miscarriage. Sometimes I think "what if?" Because you know what? If she ever tried to come after me for childsupport, after the blood tests, I'd sue her so fucking hard and fast for custody, her little mentally deranged head would spin, and I'd win custody. Bad enough she has a daughter that should be given to the system for care because of the mental traumas the poor kid is gonna suffer...I'd not trust her with my flesh and blood.

I'm going out tomorrow night, too. Not sure how that is going to work. Seems the more I work towards something, the more I fuck it up, and the less I want something, the more people push it on me. At the same time, I sometimes wonder about other things.

I can only do so much alone. And I am alone. I have nothing inside me left to bother with life anymore. Wake, work, home, sleep, rinse and repeat.

Its so sad I have to find it funny and laugh...if I didn't, then I'd cry, and if I started crying, I don't know if I could stop.

Peace out,

The laughing Zodiak.