Deny Yourself

Deny your nature, and you deny yourself. If you deny yourself, you will crumble to ash. Its a simple philosophy, and one I believe is true. If one denies their nature, they cannot survive. If a wolf denies its nature to hunt and kill, it will die. If a gazelle denies its nature to flee at danger, it will die. Breathing is in us, unconcious and part of our nature. It is what it is and what we accept and will always follow; and why shouldn't we?

I have never denied my nature, however I have explored different parts of it, and I have definitely delved into parts of my mind, self, and nature that I have not necessarily ventured into before; and why shouldn't I?

After so many years of many facets of myself, masks and traces of other selves. Of all these personas, there have been some I liked, and some I disliked, and some even that have left a bad taste in my mouth. I look back on all of them, and I evolved. From a child to a Man, with a schitzophrenic methodology, a timid child, to valiant defender, to quiet accepter, to strong promoter, to follower, leader, teacher, and more. I turned to another path, a point of my life that I still believe was a good choice, a strong choice, and one which I am stronger for making.

What is wrong with changing one's self to better one's self? I did it, and have been bettered for it. However, I believe I can better myself even more. With the experience I have gleaned in my past, with the strength of character I have built with the past half decade. I think I can combine the two, make something stronger, someone more tuned, knowing, knowledgeable. In the same breath, one whom can truly be what I truly deserve to be.

I started this today, this new me, this new point of view. Some people seemed impressed, noticing the difference immediately, others seemed ignorant of my changes. Others still questioned the wisdom of my new self.

Though in questioning the wisdom, they received answers, and in those answers, have accepted my newfound change.

It seems to be for the better, extroverted, confident, collected, slightly high Mach (ok, majorly high mach, but I always have been), and someone who I think might actually be liked.

Some say these changes cannot, and do not, spawn over night, and I agree. This was hardly something spawned and grown over night. This change has been in the making, under development, for more then a decade.

So let it see the light....Dovenya Sa Tovya Sagain....And the wheel weaves as the wheel wills.

Peace,

Zodiak Out.

Life is a Journey of Steps and Sunsets

Just like love is a slow way of dying

All you knew in life you can carry to death

Just like smiling is a slow way of crying.

It Always Hurts.

I'm so fucking pathetic. I just don't understand it, and I never will get it. Why the hell do I always let this happen to me? Why don't I take the initiative and act on suspicions aside from minor queries? In all seriousness, this kind of thing will ruin me in the end, as it has ruined me to this point in my life.
So she left me, moved back in with her parents and took the majority of things from the house. Left a few things for me, things that we bought together, I bought, or that was a gift to us. She left the bed (a good thing, since the buying of it forced me to trash my old bed), she left the couch (a gift from friends of her family), and she left the AC (something I was paying off, but she now tells me not to worry about it). She left the silverware and the plates/bowls, but took all the pots and pans and frying pans. She left the broken toaster oven, but took the cheap $3 garbage can from under the sink.
She took her bird, left my cat. I hope that April (the finch) will be alright. I was the one that had to look after the bird for near to the past month, feeding her when she was days without food, giving her water when the water dish was bone dry.
Half of me looks at all of this from a neutral standpoint, saying, "You knew this would happen, why are you acting so surprised?" Then a part of me says, "I hope she is alright and finds happiness in her future." And as that part of me is what I openly let others see, a corner of my soul screams out for her to rot in the deepest, darkest pits of hell and never emerge.
Which one I actually feel, I don't know. It hurt that she left me, but I knew it would hurt, and I knew that it would happen. So why am I still so hung up on it? Probably because you can't be with someone for more then a month without some kind of emotion hanging in the balance, saying "why?"
Its not me, its her. I'm telling you, with that kind of cliche hanging over my head, I'm surprised I haven't tried to kill myself. I mean, what the fuck, right?
Hell I don't even know what I'm saying. I guess right now, I'll just pick up the pieces, pull myself together, and work things out one at a time, as they come to me. I have bills to pay, stuff to work out, and too much going on right now to let one small break up with a girl who was hand delivered to me bring me down this low.
Don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened. Its better to have loved and lost. Easy come, easy go.
Whatever cliche quotes I want to use, whatever shit I want to spew, it won't matter in the heart of it all, when I say, in all honesty, I loved her more then anything, but when she told me she was moving out, it wasn't pain, fear, or hurt, that I felt. It was a soft numbness that seemed to say, "On to the next chapter, Chris. This one is over."
So on to the next chapter, I hope it holds more surprises to the plot then this last.
Peace.

Absence, My Appologies.

It seems at times that the world is passing me by, or that I'm passing by it. Like everything that seems to be happening, is happening to someone else. I'm not sure why it is, or why it happens all the time, but I know that the more it happens, the less it seems to baffle me.

The more I analyze my relationship, and the more I try and loo at it from a different vantage point, the more I realize that to me, it is never going to change, no matter how I view it, glance at it, or think about it.

Yet in other respects, in other notes, in another person's perspective, everything is changing, everything is moving in another direction, and everything is slowly falling apart. I can't speak for Mecca to be sure, nor can I truly define what is in her mind. What I can say with certainty, is that it is not the same vision that glows within my own mind.

She says she is changing, and I know she is, and she has been since we started dating, and it will be a continuous change to be sure. But i can't help but think, hope, pray, that no matter what changes, how it changes, or why it changes, that we will be together. I want to be with her, and will always (I believe) want to be with her.

I can admit, at times I get short with her, or my mind reels a moment. I have even lost my temper once or twice. Never violently, and never for long. Merely brief lapses in judgment that I can't prevent, nor puzzle through before it happens. I know that my controlling nature, that which drew her to me in the beginning, is starting to turn her away from me. Which frightens me more then anything else ever could.

What else am I supposed to do, though? I've changed, adapted, abandoned that which is my lifestyle in all but name. I've done all I can to change to make us work, make this work, worked as a chameleon as I so often did in my past. I'm running out of ideas, being myself scares her, being someone else bothers her. Where is the happy medium that will allow us to move forward? I am happy with her, no matter what I have to do for it, I am genuinely happy with her.

Things just seem to become muddled. I'm lost in the mix. No matter what way I turn, I don't know where I am in relation to the solution. For the first time in a very long time, I'm unprepared, and unsure. I'm resorting to tactics and methods that are beneath me.

My World
As the broken world begins to turn
I see the shattered space between
I read the lies on the lips of the truth
and I wonder what I did to get here
I know the broken skies are mine
that the shattered earth is my eternal home
that the mind that once saw clarity
will become something murky and windswept
Like the plains of the tundra
Like the world I adore
I can't keep wondering where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
But I know what I've experienced
What i've learned
In the gray of the dawn
A light that is not natural
It glows eery in the dawn of my heart
not gray, nor red, nor the orange of day
Not blue, nor green, nor the brown of earth
this colour doesn't exist
not in the natural spectrum
not in the heart or mind of anyone
not even something in my own realizations
How can I move forward in an epic world
one shattered and broken and left unfelt
When the cure and glue that holds it together
is so tentatively wrought from loneliness and sorrow
Like an epic poem that has no rhyme
my world is broken and left alone
I hope it returns to the once glorious past
a time I could be there and know it was my own

Original,
Christopher Alexander MacLeod

My World - A Variant

Shattered, broken, dishevelled ruins
A world destroyed and misconstruan
Thought and process and creation gone
rights and truths committed to wrong
nothing living all left for dead
a sky of vicious color bred
blood and gore and confusion alone
cruelest words cut right to bone
nothing here and nothing left
this world I know is my own test
A test of faith of heart and more
I know I've been here all before
I've touched and tasted and felt so torn
Yet this love I know is pure self born
I can't move forward without looking back
I try and forget the past, forever lax
I can't understand the differences I crave
Crawling on hands and knees in a cave
dark and dank it slowly devours
what faith I have in higher powers
no epic poem with verse unrhymed
tis word for word perfect timed
I love her and need her as my world collapse
I can't draw further my minds own maps
I write and think it will make a difference
Yet in the end is my heart's own severence?
I need and want, but not as I have the past
not death nor pain but a life to last
a love to hold and keep so dear
losing it all is what I fear
the sky bleeds crimson and chaos reigns
I can't help but feel the burning flames
would I die or live or just survive
without her in my arms would I be alive
I can't answer, don't know but I believe
that in the end I'd not deceive
with truth and honesty I'd let it it lie
whether I should live, or should I die.

Original By:
Christopher Alexander MacLeod

With those words, poems, and variants of thought, I leave you my readers, my friends. I will likely be back more often as much toils in my mind as of late. So hold patience with me, and I appologize for my long absence.