Absence, My Appologies.

It seems at times that the world is passing me by, or that I'm passing by it. Like everything that seems to be happening, is happening to someone else. I'm not sure why it is, or why it happens all the time, but I know that the more it happens, the less it seems to baffle me.

The more I analyze my relationship, and the more I try and loo at it from a different vantage point, the more I realize that to me, it is never going to change, no matter how I view it, glance at it, or think about it.

Yet in other respects, in other notes, in another person's perspective, everything is changing, everything is moving in another direction, and everything is slowly falling apart. I can't speak for Mecca to be sure, nor can I truly define what is in her mind. What I can say with certainty, is that it is not the same vision that glows within my own mind.

She says she is changing, and I know she is, and she has been since we started dating, and it will be a continuous change to be sure. But i can't help but think, hope, pray, that no matter what changes, how it changes, or why it changes, that we will be together. I want to be with her, and will always (I believe) want to be with her.

I can admit, at times I get short with her, or my mind reels a moment. I have even lost my temper once or twice. Never violently, and never for long. Merely brief lapses in judgment that I can't prevent, nor puzzle through before it happens. I know that my controlling nature, that which drew her to me in the beginning, is starting to turn her away from me. Which frightens me more then anything else ever could.

What else am I supposed to do, though? I've changed, adapted, abandoned that which is my lifestyle in all but name. I've done all I can to change to make us work, make this work, worked as a chameleon as I so often did in my past. I'm running out of ideas, being myself scares her, being someone else bothers her. Where is the happy medium that will allow us to move forward? I am happy with her, no matter what I have to do for it, I am genuinely happy with her.

Things just seem to become muddled. I'm lost in the mix. No matter what way I turn, I don't know where I am in relation to the solution. For the first time in a very long time, I'm unprepared, and unsure. I'm resorting to tactics and methods that are beneath me.

My World
As the broken world begins to turn
I see the shattered space between
I read the lies on the lips of the truth
and I wonder what I did to get here
I know the broken skies are mine
that the shattered earth is my eternal home
that the mind that once saw clarity
will become something murky and windswept
Like the plains of the tundra
Like the world I adore
I can't keep wondering where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
But I know what I've experienced
What i've learned
In the gray of the dawn
A light that is not natural
It glows eery in the dawn of my heart
not gray, nor red, nor the orange of day
Not blue, nor green, nor the brown of earth
this colour doesn't exist
not in the natural spectrum
not in the heart or mind of anyone
not even something in my own realizations
How can I move forward in an epic world
one shattered and broken and left unfelt
When the cure and glue that holds it together
is so tentatively wrought from loneliness and sorrow
Like an epic poem that has no rhyme
my world is broken and left alone
I hope it returns to the once glorious past
a time I could be there and know it was my own

Original,
Christopher Alexander MacLeod

My World - A Variant

Shattered, broken, dishevelled ruins
A world destroyed and misconstruan
Thought and process and creation gone
rights and truths committed to wrong
nothing living all left for dead
a sky of vicious color bred
blood and gore and confusion alone
cruelest words cut right to bone
nothing here and nothing left
this world I know is my own test
A test of faith of heart and more
I know I've been here all before
I've touched and tasted and felt so torn
Yet this love I know is pure self born
I can't move forward without looking back
I try and forget the past, forever lax
I can't understand the differences I crave
Crawling on hands and knees in a cave
dark and dank it slowly devours
what faith I have in higher powers
no epic poem with verse unrhymed
tis word for word perfect timed
I love her and need her as my world collapse
I can't draw further my minds own maps
I write and think it will make a difference
Yet in the end is my heart's own severence?
I need and want, but not as I have the past
not death nor pain but a life to last
a love to hold and keep so dear
losing it all is what I fear
the sky bleeds crimson and chaos reigns
I can't help but feel the burning flames
would I die or live or just survive
without her in my arms would I be alive
I can't answer, don't know but I believe
that in the end I'd not deceive
with truth and honesty I'd let it it lie
whether I should live, or should I die.

Original By:
Christopher Alexander MacLeod

With those words, poems, and variants of thought, I leave you my readers, my friends. I will likely be back more often as much toils in my mind as of late. So hold patience with me, and I appologize for my long absence.