Another year, another day, another page. As life goes by, days turn to weeks, to months, and thus comes a point when every being on the planet, accepts the birth of a new year. A new cycle to what we are, where we are, and what we are doing. It’s a strange and wondrous feeling, to know that you have been here for another cycle, another rotation around the sun.
Its something only we, as humans, can truly appreciate. Something we can sit back and honestly contemplate as a truth. A way of life. What comes in the next twelve months? What will walk forward for us in the future? What, pray tell, does the new year hold for me?
As I question this, and as I consider the ramifications of my past actions, as I look back at what I have garnered this year, what has come to pass,what has flown by me. I can only look, and think…I have learned.
I’ve discovered in my heart the absence of love, even in the face of being handed that which I should love. I have discovered again the pain of betrayal. I have learned that sometimes, to achieve a victory, you must surrender. I have learned that friendship can be a powerful thing, even if on a casual level.
I have learned so much, and have allowed my mistakes to trail me, trace me, and outline my soul in ash once again. I’ve felt what I thought may have been love, I have lain once again in the arms of a woman whom claimed to love me. What is true, and what is false, I know not. All I can attest to is my inner emotions, a raging storm that seems something I’ll never truly conquer.
I’m over her. The pain she inflicted upon me is no longer on the surface, merely deep within my soul, a scar as the many which I already hold to me. It will heal in time, or it will fester as others have. It matters not really. When I think of her, I think of the song, “lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off” by Panic! At the disco. It fits the relationship to such utter perfection, I listen to the song and smirk, knowing that no matter how it hurts, burns, or scars, I’ll always be better then her.
So I look forward, to what love may wait, what love I may have thrown away, and if I should merely use others for my own ends until I am healed enough for something more healthy then the darkness that I know lays within me. Only time can tell what will happen there.
I suppose what it comes down to, then, is that I will live. I will come out of this swinging. I will not merely stand idlely by as the world happens around me. That has been my downfall for years, that has been what caused me to fuck up with meeting Mecca, but it is also what had me meet Mecca, and has as such, shown me I am NOT beneath other women. I am NOT a hideous wretch with nothing to offer.
This past year, as evenly matched as it has been, has shown me a new side, and as Mecca drinks herself into whoring at Heather’s tonight, I sit at home, knowing I could have the same if I wanted. Knowing that once a cheater, always a cheater. With that in mind, I can smirk as I think of her finding happiness, and know that she will never, in her life, find happiness, because the moment she picks up a drink, the nearest thing with an attraction to her, is fair game.
I almost feel like writing poetry, but it isn’t inside me tonight, sadly enough. However, there is much else within me. A calmness which I will savour.
My resolution. In the new year, I swear to not let life pass me by. I swear I will move forward, and find what is right for me. I swear I will do my damndest to give myself what I deserve, with who I deserve. I will find, in the future, near or far, within the next 12 months, someone else to be with. Be it short or long term, I don’t care. I want someone to be with me, and in so doing, someone I can look at and say, “I am not alone.”
That is my resolution. To not be single for the whole year. I imagine that will be more easily remedied when I renew my health card and get my age of majority card shortly after my birthday. After all, what better way to meet women, then hitting up the bars now and then. Though the munches at ’55 Special on the first Thursday of every month is what interests me more then anything at the moment.
Suppose I will see what comes to pass.
To the future, may it hold the oppurtunity for the lessons of the past.
Happy new year, my readers.
Zodiak, Out.
PS
Princess, grow up. You, nor her, are worth my time. Please, put your comments elsewhere, as they'll simply be deleted here.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Bah Humbug
That time of year yet again. Alone yet again. No idea where I am going in life, yes...Again.
Seems the holidays, though a time cherished by friends and family, leaves one without either in the cold.
It is something I have come to respect, and understand as a call in life I will likely be answering for some time to come. I've been single, or alone, for christmas since before the death of my mother when I was sixteen.
What makes this any different? I suppose I'll not change, no matter how the years pass. I was actually supposed to celebrate it this year, had full intent to, even decorating the house for the season. Which did not go near as planned.
So instead, here I am, a bottle of whiskey in hand, korn playing as loud as possible, and wondering why thoughts of suicide won't leave me alone.
I imagine they will fade in time, I've never let them get to me yet, and the liquor numbs the feelings, such as they are. I drink for the reason any drunkard drinks...To forget. And With prayers to eternity, I will. Maybe I'll go to the store and pick up some eggnog. Or maybe I'll drink the rum straight.
I just felt the need to say it really. Those of you readers whom have family, loved ones, things you cherish, remember them. This is not a season of money and presents, it is a season of love, giving, caring, and remembrance of a child born to a whore mother that changed the world for the better.
To any religion, have a happy holiday, and hold your dear ones close, for they will be there always. Don't shun family, they're the only things you can't change. Don't abuse your friends...They are the ones who will have your back in a bind.
Hell, who knows what I'm saying anymore. Stay safe, world.
Zodiak, out.
Seems the holidays, though a time cherished by friends and family, leaves one without either in the cold.
It is something I have come to respect, and understand as a call in life I will likely be answering for some time to come. I've been single, or alone, for christmas since before the death of my mother when I was sixteen.
What makes this any different? I suppose I'll not change, no matter how the years pass. I was actually supposed to celebrate it this year, had full intent to, even decorating the house for the season. Which did not go near as planned.
So instead, here I am, a bottle of whiskey in hand, korn playing as loud as possible, and wondering why thoughts of suicide won't leave me alone.
I imagine they will fade in time, I've never let them get to me yet, and the liquor numbs the feelings, such as they are. I drink for the reason any drunkard drinks...To forget. And With prayers to eternity, I will. Maybe I'll go to the store and pick up some eggnog. Or maybe I'll drink the rum straight.
I just felt the need to say it really. Those of you readers whom have family, loved ones, things you cherish, remember them. This is not a season of money and presents, it is a season of love, giving, caring, and remembrance of a child born to a whore mother that changed the world for the better.
To any religion, have a happy holiday, and hold your dear ones close, for they will be there always. Don't shun family, they're the only things you can't change. Don't abuse your friends...They are the ones who will have your back in a bind.
Hell, who knows what I'm saying anymore. Stay safe, world.
Zodiak, out.
Friday, December 21, 2007
The Amusement of the Past
You know, someone was reading my blog tonight, from the beginning. I couldn't help but think, perhaps I should do the same. After all, there is nothing better then to look back where you've been in order to find where you may be going.
I couldn't help but notice, that the last post before november was my issues with my brother Gerry (by the way, for those reading...he actually appologized profusely for that some time ago and we are fine again).
However, the post before that....I can't help but quote it as I laughed when I read it...
"She is the best thing to ever happen to me, in a very long time, and her being the one is not merely a slight possibility, it is a near certainty (though it is also possible I will look back on this in a couple months and think "you fucking moron!" -yes, I understand I can be gullible and naive in love, is it that scary?-)."
You know, reading that, I won't say I was a fucking moron for that. She was hardly the best thing to happen to me, though obviously, with how much she used me as a crutch to get on her social feet, I was the best thing to happen to her.
So I'm moving forward with my life, and realizing, as things move on, I'm still an Ambivert, a High Malk, and a Gorean. I will always live by Honor, Pride, and Strength. Its in my heart and soul, and why deny a decade of my life?
I can't help but think though, no matter what happens, I am making progress. A year ago right now, I was alone. I was running more then two years single. I was living in a horrible situation, and I was living with people in order to make ends meet.
I may not have a family anymore, and I may have few friends, but I have more then I had a year ago. I may not be celebrating Christmas again this year, but at least it will not be a day of misery. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm living my life however I want it to go.
Where my past has been spurts and bursts of sheer fluke and chance for a relationship, where I've let things come to me for fear of my depression interfering and shattering my resolve, the scars on my arm aren't even fully healed from my break up with Mecca, and I've already pushed her far enough away from my remote possibility of caring, that I'm a normal functioning adult.
Moreso, I'm a normal functioning adult with a date tomorrow night with an attractive, smart, witty, and very compatible, girl. I mean hell, to me, even if it doesn't work out (which I think, at least for awhile, it will), shows me that I am evolved. From a year, to three years, to less then one month.
I think that is all the sign I need that my life is going in the right direction. Which further tells me, my personality shift, my reverting to what I once was with what I had become, has been an improvement that will lead me to a future that is not near so shattered as my past has been.
As a young man, I was a player, one who bounced from woman to woman in the shadows, and didn't care of the consequences. As a man, I was monogamous, however it also led me to long stretches of time without a relationship to be in. I suppose this shift of the two, has led me to a player's resolve to finding someone new, with the Monogamous mindset to merely have it at one.
I've never in my life cheated on a woman. I've had open relationships, I've had polygamous relationships, I've had monogamous relationships. I've always stayed in the standings of the given relationship. I will never cheat....The last three women I was with cheated, and honestly, I see no reason behind it, nor purpose.
In any event. Time to go do the cat's litter. I've procrastinated enough.
So, have a good evening, enjoy your weekend, and envy the man who is seeing Sweeny Todd tomorrow!
Zodiak out!!
I couldn't help but notice, that the last post before november was my issues with my brother Gerry (by the way, for those reading...he actually appologized profusely for that some time ago and we are fine again).
However, the post before that....I can't help but quote it as I laughed when I read it...
"She is the best thing to ever happen to me, in a very long time, and her being the one is not merely a slight possibility, it is a near certainty (though it is also possible I will look back on this in a couple months and think "you fucking moron!" -yes, I understand I can be gullible and naive in love, is it that scary?-)."
You know, reading that, I won't say I was a fucking moron for that. She was hardly the best thing to happen to me, though obviously, with how much she used me as a crutch to get on her social feet, I was the best thing to happen to her.
So I'm moving forward with my life, and realizing, as things move on, I'm still an Ambivert, a High Malk, and a Gorean. I will always live by Honor, Pride, and Strength. Its in my heart and soul, and why deny a decade of my life?
I can't help but think though, no matter what happens, I am making progress. A year ago right now, I was alone. I was running more then two years single. I was living in a horrible situation, and I was living with people in order to make ends meet.
I may not have a family anymore, and I may have few friends, but I have more then I had a year ago. I may not be celebrating Christmas again this year, but at least it will not be a day of misery. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm living my life however I want it to go.
Where my past has been spurts and bursts of sheer fluke and chance for a relationship, where I've let things come to me for fear of my depression interfering and shattering my resolve, the scars on my arm aren't even fully healed from my break up with Mecca, and I've already pushed her far enough away from my remote possibility of caring, that I'm a normal functioning adult.
Moreso, I'm a normal functioning adult with a date tomorrow night with an attractive, smart, witty, and very compatible, girl. I mean hell, to me, even if it doesn't work out (which I think, at least for awhile, it will), shows me that I am evolved. From a year, to three years, to less then one month.
I think that is all the sign I need that my life is going in the right direction. Which further tells me, my personality shift, my reverting to what I once was with what I had become, has been an improvement that will lead me to a future that is not near so shattered as my past has been.
As a young man, I was a player, one who bounced from woman to woman in the shadows, and didn't care of the consequences. As a man, I was monogamous, however it also led me to long stretches of time without a relationship to be in. I suppose this shift of the two, has led me to a player's resolve to finding someone new, with the Monogamous mindset to merely have it at one.
I've never in my life cheated on a woman. I've had open relationships, I've had polygamous relationships, I've had monogamous relationships. I've always stayed in the standings of the given relationship. I will never cheat....The last three women I was with cheated, and honestly, I see no reason behind it, nor purpose.
In any event. Time to go do the cat's litter. I've procrastinated enough.
So, have a good evening, enjoy your weekend, and envy the man who is seeing Sweeny Todd tomorrow!
Zodiak out!!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
A new Horizon
Alright. So jaded and bitter against love. Being burned worse then the trees caught in a brush fire. Seems I’ve got the biggest sob story that is full of enough shit to fertilize a farm yard. However, despite all of this, I somehow managed to stagger onto something of a better chance.
Despite all the horror stories I’ve heard of these dating sites, and everything I’ve read, and the very large lack of response to the profile I carefully put up on PoF.com….However, despite it all, I managed to meet a girl. Sweet, kind, intelligent, with a great personality. She’s cute, which is a perfect bonus.
A blonde….For those who know me, knows exactly what that means. However the larger picture should be looked at, always looked at. Which I do. Again something those familiar with me, know. So this is my new chapter. Whereas Dawn took me three years to step up again, Mecca has taken less then a month.
I can still feel the warmth of her lips against mine. Her body pressed against me in the cold in the farewell hug. Even the smile on her face as she boarded the bus to go home. Is that strange? No, not for me. Not for someone who is already looking ten steps ahead with the full knowledge of what I intend to do next.
So as one might expect. I already have it mapped out in my unconscious mind. Twenty scenarios have run through my head, not all are positive of course. However, even so, I believe I like the odds. Being a gambling man…All I can say is…Dovie'andi se tovya sagain.
I feel like writing poetry, but with music in the background, there is no concentration for it. So until it flows out...
Peace,
TheZodiak.
Despite all the horror stories I’ve heard of these dating sites, and everything I’ve read, and the very large lack of response to the profile I carefully put up on PoF.com….However, despite it all, I managed to meet a girl. Sweet, kind, intelligent, with a great personality. She’s cute, which is a perfect bonus.
A blonde….For those who know me, knows exactly what that means. However the larger picture should be looked at, always looked at. Which I do. Again something those familiar with me, know. So this is my new chapter. Whereas Dawn took me three years to step up again, Mecca has taken less then a month.
I can still feel the warmth of her lips against mine. Her body pressed against me in the cold in the farewell hug. Even the smile on her face as she boarded the bus to go home. Is that strange? No, not for me. Not for someone who is already looking ten steps ahead with the full knowledge of what I intend to do next.
So as one might expect. I already have it mapped out in my unconscious mind. Twenty scenarios have run through my head, not all are positive of course. However, even so, I believe I like the odds. Being a gambling man…All I can say is…Dovie'andi se tovya sagain.
I feel like writing poetry, but with music in the background, there is no concentration for it. So until it flows out...
Peace,
TheZodiak.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Almost Depressing
You know, the more I look at those around me, the women, men, those in happy relationships, and even those single, who just seem to think they are so much better then those others out there.
Makes me just shake my head and laugh, then realize the more I see it happen, how shallow the world is. Looks are everything it seems, the all important fundamental for a woman to say "hello" back, or to see more then a simple friend in your pleasant flirtations.
Bleh, this is more just a sad little vent then anything else, something to say I'm stuck with depression yet again, and am seriously bored with life and being single. Well, bored with life in general really.
But I'll move on, live on, and get everything sorted out. I imagine sometime, eventually, at some point, I'll find someone somewhere who isn't shallow and egotistical. Who realizes a good thing when they see it.
I again doth protest though...dating sites suck.
Peace out,
Zodiak.
Makes me just shake my head and laugh, then realize the more I see it happen, how shallow the world is. Looks are everything it seems, the all important fundamental for a woman to say "hello" back, or to see more then a simple friend in your pleasant flirtations.
Bleh, this is more just a sad little vent then anything else, something to say I'm stuck with depression yet again, and am seriously bored with life and being single. Well, bored with life in general really.
But I'll move on, live on, and get everything sorted out. I imagine sometime, eventually, at some point, I'll find someone somewhere who isn't shallow and egotistical. Who realizes a good thing when they see it.
I again doth protest though...dating sites suck.
Peace out,
Zodiak.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
The dating scene.
So after two weeks without a phone, I finally have a new one. Well, after $250 out of my bank account too. Now that one hurt. Nevertheless though, new number, new phone, and no more connection to the past.
I have come to realize though, that online dating can be a pain in the ass. How do you talk to a girl who has little interest in talking to you. I suppose the more amusing thing, is to think that women on an online dating site can still be shallow.
Kind of interesting when one thinks of it. Using something meant to find your ideal match, or at the very least find someone who can become such. Its something of an enigma that those whom would use it, would decide that despite everything they put into it, read on it, and learn from it, that they’d still sink to looking for a god of a man in body without worry about personality.
I suppose that is the female sex for you. However I won’t let it bother me. I actually realized something yesterday, something I never even thought of before. My self-worth. Its one thing to look at myself in the mirror and fake confidence, its another to realize I actually have that kind of confidence in me.
So this realization came when I got out of watching Alvin and the Chipmunks (great movie, I definitely recommend it). I was hanging out with an old friend/ex-girlfriend, Erika, and her friends were around. One of them was actually cute, a little young for me, but hell, nothing wrong in the admiration of beauty.
Anyways, I flirted a little, and commented that though she was cute, she was definitely too young for me. Her response was, “I’m also out of your league.” My initial reaction to that was, “Yes, yes you are.” However it clicked as I looked at her, yeah, she was cute, but she had flaws too; and no, she was not out of my league. If anything, I was out of her league. I am slowly coming to the realization that I am not some hideous monster.
Sure I have a belly on me, sure I have only slightly above average looks. But I also have a brain. I have skills that no woman will ever see in any other man. I have a great personality when I choose to exercise it, I am charismatic and easy to get along with.
I have more worth then some might think, and I don’t think I’ll let my past bring me down anymore. Why should I? Sadly, I do still have to deal with 95% of women being shallow in their views of a man. You can’t deny it, ladies. When you look at a guy who doesn’t immediately set your heart pounding, and makes you want to lick your lips, you don’t even want to get to know him.
Well, either way, I don’t intend to give up anytime soon, and I don’t think I have anything to hide anymore. Not that I did before. It occurs to me though, in a world of anonymity like the internet, or an online dating site like plentyoffish.com, what is the harm in being honest? If you don’t like a guy, say so. If you have an interest in his personality, say so. Seriously, think about it. Why lead a guy on? Tell him you have no interest in him. Women who lie are pathetic. I am hoping to find one who will not lie too often at least.
peace out,
The Zodiak.
I have come to realize though, that online dating can be a pain in the ass. How do you talk to a girl who has little interest in talking to you. I suppose the more amusing thing, is to think that women on an online dating site can still be shallow.
Kind of interesting when one thinks of it. Using something meant to find your ideal match, or at the very least find someone who can become such. Its something of an enigma that those whom would use it, would decide that despite everything they put into it, read on it, and learn from it, that they’d still sink to looking for a god of a man in body without worry about personality.
I suppose that is the female sex for you. However I won’t let it bother me. I actually realized something yesterday, something I never even thought of before. My self-worth. Its one thing to look at myself in the mirror and fake confidence, its another to realize I actually have that kind of confidence in me.
So this realization came when I got out of watching Alvin and the Chipmunks (great movie, I definitely recommend it). I was hanging out with an old friend/ex-girlfriend, Erika, and her friends were around. One of them was actually cute, a little young for me, but hell, nothing wrong in the admiration of beauty.
Anyways, I flirted a little, and commented that though she was cute, she was definitely too young for me. Her response was, “I’m also out of your league.” My initial reaction to that was, “Yes, yes you are.” However it clicked as I looked at her, yeah, she was cute, but she had flaws too; and no, she was not out of my league. If anything, I was out of her league. I am slowly coming to the realization that I am not some hideous monster.
Sure I have a belly on me, sure I have only slightly above average looks. But I also have a brain. I have skills that no woman will ever see in any other man. I have a great personality when I choose to exercise it, I am charismatic and easy to get along with.
I have more worth then some might think, and I don’t think I’ll let my past bring me down anymore. Why should I? Sadly, I do still have to deal with 95% of women being shallow in their views of a man. You can’t deny it, ladies. When you look at a guy who doesn’t immediately set your heart pounding, and makes you want to lick your lips, you don’t even want to get to know him.
Well, either way, I don’t intend to give up anytime soon, and I don’t think I have anything to hide anymore. Not that I did before. It occurs to me though, in a world of anonymity like the internet, or an online dating site like plentyoffish.com, what is the harm in being honest? If you don’t like a guy, say so. If you have an interest in his personality, say so. Seriously, think about it. Why lead a guy on? Tell him you have no interest in him. Women who lie are pathetic. I am hoping to find one who will not lie too often at least.
peace out,
The Zodiak.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Saturday, December 1, 2007
The Truth Will Set you Free.
So we all make mistakes, and those of us whom are responsible tend to own up to those mistakes and ask for forgiveness, or learn from them and move on. Guess Mecca never learned that lesson when growing up. It just seems to make those last days all the more cheap and pathetic.
So she finally told me why she broke up with me. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t that she wanted something else in her life; it wasn’t even something to do with the relationship. No, it was because, while drunk, she cheated on me. She was at Heather’s for the night, refusing to come home to her loving boyfriend and Master, and instead stayed there made out with some random guy.
When she came home the next day, did she tell me and ask for forgiveness? Tell me she was sorry, that she was drunk and didn’t know everything that was happening? No. No, she decided to hide it, and decided then, that she no longer wanted to be with me; that the past eight months weren’t worth a moment of honesty.
She avoided me, sidestepped me, and then spent our last day together, the Saturday, trying to make up for all of it, trying to give a great last day; by using me for break up sex when I didn’t know the impending doom, by treating me like a prisoner getting his last meal. It was such a set up for an execution that it isn’t even remotely funny.
Worse, is that through it all, the only reason she finally came clean, the only reason she decided to tell me, and confide in me the true reason for the break up, was because I said if I knew, it would give me closure. Yeah, it gave me great closure alright, I couldn’t even feel anything after she said it, typed it rather. I ended up doing something royally stupid, and spent the night where I hate to spend any time. I’ll have to live with that mistake of course, and move past what was the old me, and towards a newer me that has more control.
I can’t stand to make stupid mistakes without learning from them, and last night definitely taught me a lot, such as scissors, no matter the quality, suck for slicing flesh. Though today, I have also learned, that cling wrap over a bandage before the tape, can save your skin and arm hair from the agony of ripping the adhesive off.
Am I over her? Probably not completely, but it isn’t going to stop me from going to work on Monday and asking some of my co-workers who they know that is single. Getting back on the horse, and actually being on said horse, is probably the best way for me to get past this. I just need something else to concentrate on, without something more to put my mind to, I’ll merely end up overanalyzing the past.
It seems the more I analyze it, the more I wonder if I’m still willing to forgive her, even after all of this, though I think the anger, rage, and hurt, should be able to spring up long enough and often enough to stop me from doing something so foolish.
Until next time,
Zodiak, Out.
Life is a Journey of Steps and sunsets
Just like love is a slow way of dying
All you knew in life you can carry to death
Just like smiling is a slow way of crying.
So she finally told me why she broke up with me. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t that she wanted something else in her life; it wasn’t even something to do with the relationship. No, it was because, while drunk, she cheated on me. She was at Heather’s for the night, refusing to come home to her loving boyfriend and Master, and instead stayed there made out with some random guy.
When she came home the next day, did she tell me and ask for forgiveness? Tell me she was sorry, that she was drunk and didn’t know everything that was happening? No. No, she decided to hide it, and decided then, that she no longer wanted to be with me; that the past eight months weren’t worth a moment of honesty.
She avoided me, sidestepped me, and then spent our last day together, the Saturday, trying to make up for all of it, trying to give a great last day; by using me for break up sex when I didn’t know the impending doom, by treating me like a prisoner getting his last meal. It was such a set up for an execution that it isn’t even remotely funny.
Worse, is that through it all, the only reason she finally came clean, the only reason she decided to tell me, and confide in me the true reason for the break up, was because I said if I knew, it would give me closure. Yeah, it gave me great closure alright, I couldn’t even feel anything after she said it, typed it rather. I ended up doing something royally stupid, and spent the night where I hate to spend any time. I’ll have to live with that mistake of course, and move past what was the old me, and towards a newer me that has more control.
I can’t stand to make stupid mistakes without learning from them, and last night definitely taught me a lot, such as scissors, no matter the quality, suck for slicing flesh. Though today, I have also learned, that cling wrap over a bandage before the tape, can save your skin and arm hair from the agony of ripping the adhesive off.
Am I over her? Probably not completely, but it isn’t going to stop me from going to work on Monday and asking some of my co-workers who they know that is single. Getting back on the horse, and actually being on said horse, is probably the best way for me to get past this. I just need something else to concentrate on, without something more to put my mind to, I’ll merely end up overanalyzing the past.
It seems the more I analyze it, the more I wonder if I’m still willing to forgive her, even after all of this, though I think the anger, rage, and hurt, should be able to spring up long enough and often enough to stop me from doing something so foolish.
Until next time,
Zodiak, Out.
Life is a Journey of Steps and sunsets
Just like love is a slow way of dying
All you knew in life you can carry to death
Just like smiling is a slow way of crying.
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