Interesting Night....

As many of you may have known, or not known, depending on your frequency of reading my blog... I had plans last night to go to some singles event for plentyoffish with a friend. She wanted a wing man for the event so that she didn't have to go it alone. I of course, being the gentleman I am (and kind of thinking I may find something of interest myself), decided to go.

It was... Interesting. It was actually kind of fun. The kind of over the top enthusiasm that I usually slide into darkness and avoid. Though I suppose every now and then, having one of those days can be... enjoyable. There was plenty of laughter, applauding at gutter balls, and enjoyment all around.

I look at the event, on the whole, as an experience... Did I meet anyone? Maybe. Possibly two someones. Though only one female. Two people on our 'team'... well, lane... were of great interest. A guy who is a gamer... At least somewhat, who seems like a cool guy to get to know as a friend. The Gods know I have few enough of those; and a girl who was rather impressive... She seems to have a great personality, seems very positive, and over all a great woman to get to know.

No, I don't see anything coming from it. There was hardly sparks flying at our little conversations. *chuckles* I'm not at all that gullible or naive to think that a relationship can spring from a single encounter.

Hell, as aforementioned, I have too few friends. So meeting two friends at one event, is better then coming away with nothing. Though to be honest, the fact that Holly had a really great time at the bowling, is all that I really set out for, she deserves a lot better then what her life is giving her (socially anyways), and I'm really proud of her that she is starting to get out there and do more.

Not much more to report on the whole, really. Things are more or less sliding along at a pretty smooth rate. I'm not doing better, or worse, then any other time in my life. Just average, I suppose. Which are the boring entries to put in.

Though I figured some people may want to know what had happened last night at the bowling. So there you have it, nothing happened. May have, had I gone to '55 Special after the event. However I do have boundaries... Going to a Cougar Den like '55 is -not- my idea of a good night... I tend to be just a lil too on the... "ripe" ... side for those particular ladies.

Ah well, not much else to report, really. Need to reboot my computer again. Need to seriously check my system specs, because I've got a feeling that my processor is running too hot to crash a game twice in a row.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Did you Hear it...?

The sound of me falling back into my own Niche?

Probably not, because there wasn't actually a physical sound, merely the mental click of my mind settling once more where it belonged. Not sure why I lost my mind to begin with... Pfft, who am I kidding? I lost my mind over a pretty face and great oppurtunity.

The oppurtunity hasn't disappeared. So don't mistake this for some harping post about love lost or some shit. No, far from it. Jocelyn is of course still in my life. However, after my mind fell back into its niche, we had a conversation.

Short and sweet, however the summary, is friends at the moment, and the future is...well, the future. So I will let it go at that, leave things as they are, and stop concerning myself so damned much with the intricacies.

I mean hell, I know who I am, and though I had settled back into a time of relaxation without the control I used to always strive for, jocelyn popping into my life stirred things up. Was fun, if nothing else.... Fun? Who am I kidding. Was stressful and a pain in my proverbial ass to get my head back on straight.

With that said though, least I've relaxed enough to let things flow more smoothly. Much more smoothly. More so, I've also settled into a more regular state of mind, not as bright and chipper as it has been, not as dark and destructive as I would like it to be - understand of course, that dark and destructive offers depression to be channelled into creativity... I have a lot of writing to catch up on - however it is darker than it has been.

I miss that, the cynicism. I mean hell, I'm a realist, though the cynical attitude, just fits naturally.

With that said, I know I'm not an Emo, and I know three days grace isn't an emo band (more post grunge)... But their one song, though sounding emo, has some rather striking meaning... the chorus being, "Pain, without love. Pain, Just can't get enough. Pain, you know I like it rough. Because I rather feel pain, then nothing at all."

Its not emo, as much as it sounds like it... I mean hell, consider how many other artists/bands have said similar. Nine Inch Nails, one of the most heavy rock bands going, even has a song that -opens- with, "I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real."

Yet strangely, its that kind of lyric, kind of thought, which strikes a chord in my mind and soul. Something which tweaks at creative energies. Seems so hopeless, so lost, so endless. I'm hardly that bad off anymore, but hell, the memories, again, creative energy.

In any event... In other news, I have nothing major going on this weekend. Lack of money sucks hardcore. Though next weekend I'm playing wingman to a friend at some plentyoffish gathering. Bowling I suppose. I think it might be fun, if nothing else, will get to meet some new people, and not have to worry so bloody much bout doing it with typing out a first impression.

Ah well, with that, my readers, I leave you to a good night.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Musings of a Quiet Mind

You know, as of late, I've been rather calm, mentally. Nothing has been rattling me. Which of course, makes for boring entries, since I'm not tearing into the darkness of my soul, or damning the world and those in it.

Which I suppose I don't mind in the end. I can hardly complain when things are going well. Well, perhaps not "well", but better then shitty.

I have found my mind tracing back to a conversation I had with jocelyn on wednesday night. The night was interesting over all, riddled with mixed signals, and over all was amusing to my mind in the way things panned out. However, that is off topic.

Soulmates.

Do I believe in soulmates? Not sure, to be honest. Its most certainly a very romantic notion, something I have told myself I believe in before. The more I think about it more, the more I doubt it.

There are so many arguments against it, that it just doesn't seem feasible. For starters, probability. Consider this, a soulmate is one person whom completes you. So, one person out of more then a billion people, which is your opposite. Your perfect match.

If soulmates do exist, that is lower chances then winning the lottery, and we've seen how often that happens. Lets of course not forget that meeting this person may then involve travelling around the world, to the most barren regions, in the most unlikely places. Not everyone has those kind of finances.

There is also the issue of time... In order to believe in soulmates, do you need to believe, then, in reincarnation? If soulmates are a one time go of things, for example, I was born, I have a soulmate, when I die, I go to heaven or hell, and that is that... Which would make things rather simple, my soulmate would have to have been born at the exact same time as I myself was born.

After all, it is one soul split in two, right? Now, if we throw reincarnation into the mix... Well, we got a whole nother ball of wax. Reincarnation theories are stretched at best. Lets run with straight reincarnation though, human to human (after all, if we go through a dozen life cycles before reaching human once more, we got even more complications!)

So, some many millenia ago, born at the same time, my soul mate and I were entered into this world. Sure, I can buy that. However, given the times back then, one of us would have died before the other, undoubtedly. So now we have a staggered situation of reincarnation...I'm thirty, she's just born. Now I'm a new born, and she's in her forties, not to mention in different parts of the world.

How many decades, no, centuries, would it take before we coincide once more? It seems a rather cruel joke to force a person to endure that kind of thing. Even when we did match up, different parts of the world, different cultures perhaps? Now you are back to those one in a billion + odds.

The odds are even more jumped up than that even. After all, souls are sexless... So you're soulmate could be the same sex as you, or not, how do you know? Which of course begs to question sexuality of an individual, etc etc.

Now, amusingly enough, I did find one manner in which soul mates -could- work. I'm sure some religion caters to the idea, however I kind of staggered on it in a video game. Sad, I know, that such a philosophical discussion could come from a game.

Final Fantasy VII offered an intriguing option. The Life Stream. That we are all one, trees, grass, humans, animals. That when we die, our souls return to the Life Stream. When someone is conceived, their soul is comprised of the Life Stream.

So, with a thought like that in mind... Perhaps it works? After all, if millenia ago, two souls were born pure and whole, at the same time, soul mates....their deaths wouldn't matter. Part of their soul would surely be used in dozens of other new souls.

This of course opens up the possibility than, that maybe we have more then one soulmate? Definitely improves your odds. Particles that make up the whole. Over millenia, you could have a dozen, a hundred, even more, prospects whom hold a part of your Other's soul.

In truth, this is about the only way I can see it working. Otherwise, its more of a hoax then anything. The biggest gamble of happiness, which in itself is near impossible to perfect.

Perhaps a lil deep... Or perhaps I ruined the great contemplative theory by bringing a video game into the mix. Though it is valid to the discussion.

I suppose, if I believed in soulmates, I'd be pressed to think I lost Mine when I was too young to realize the perfection I had. Though I'm sure Darcy has found better in her life. *smiles*

Ah well... Feel free to let me know your stand point on it, my readers. Is reincarnation the way of it? Does the Christian God give each Human one chance at happiness? Do Soulmates exist? If they do, are they your chosen lover? Or are they merely your other half?

Peace out,

The Zodiak

A Perfect Catch...For the most part.

The ball bounced... Much more quickly then I had expected.

And the reaction to my last post... Wow. Not much more of a reaction can I give than that.

I'm amused, more than anything. I suppose, reading my journal, and going far enough back, I see where they come from with their comments, and jibes. Back when I didn't make it a point to write in the journal when I could, but only used it to vent.

So, consider my recent posts. Unsure, uncertain, hesitating and cautious. Seem accurate to you? It sounds accurate to me. Because I have been unsure. Its been well over four years since I've left the Gorean community online, and to encounter someone who shares that lifestyle, requires a revamp of the mind. I've been rather vanilla in the past few years... So to slide back into my nature, from what I've forced upon myself... Takes a little bit of work.

I've been standing on a plateau, a shelf, something forced and conformed to because of what society deems to be the norm. Its not me, never has been, and now that I have an oppurtunity to break from that shell and settle back into my nature, it is taking a little conditioning personally to break myself of habits I've forced upon myself.

Control... Mmm... Such a broad term. Control over one's self, their life, other people, the world around them, over simple things, complex things.... I've exhibited control my whole life. Over myself, over many of those whom have been involved in my life. I have a track record in my life covered with examples.

I'm not sure if I burned out, if I got bored with it, or if I simply realized that in order to control, you have to let go.... I have control over myself. One night of lapse hardly constitutes a loss of control... I've corrected that little lapse, in a very harsh manner.

I control what needs to be controlled. What I wish to place under my hand. Otherwise, I let it flow by me. I'm a laid back Man. Very much so. Why have I not exerted control in my current situation? Simple. My current situation is foreign. Will I exert control? Yes, when I feel the need to push it.

Admittedly, after last night, my nature has surfaced, peeling away the conforming bullshit which has gripped me for far too long. I won't deny having had to work at keeping myself in control last night. However, it came much more naturally then it had the night previous.

So, to my friends, my readers, to those whom randomly come here from their parent's basement while listening to bad rap and think they are gangster... Don't underestimate the gentler side of a Man. As soft as silk is, when laced over Iron, it will still shatter bones. I leave you with this then... Something burning in my mind... And as always, you get the treat of that Poetry (too many people telling me that my writing is good, is giving me an ego).

Darkness abides
like the tides on the shore
the sunlight hides
what is now no more
think of the world
as it surrounds us, enfolds
the light with the shadow
two and one, tales untold
you can't see the light
without a shadow right there
nor can shadow exist
without light's tender care
strength and power
weakness and pain
all stuck together
in night's gentle rain
nature beneath a canopy
unseen by sunlight, just shade
a forest of conformity
clearcut now to fade
lies hath hidden
what truth hold dear
lies and truth as one
never more clear
the fog folds back
revealing cities forgot
my mind more clear
I know what I've taught
look in the shadows
it exists due to light
yin and yang opposites
what is wrong is now right


Peace out,

The Zodiak.

P.S.

If you feel a comment script on my blog is not enough space, or you think your opinion should be more outspoken then a few sentences of advice. My email is on the side bar where the profile is listed. Feel free to send an e-mail if you want to have more of a hand in what I do. Cheers.

I Dropped the ball. Hope it bounces.

Possession, jealousy… Emotions which I despise. I push them down, deep into my core, and lock them away. Nine times out of ten, they don’t even see the surface, they don’t cross my face, flash in my eyes, or –the gods forbid- pass my lips.

I fucked that one up.

Yeah… My perfect control found a trip wire, and while it was staggering to recover itself, I lost my way, and lost my control. My perfect, always in place, utterly impeccable, control.

I can’t remember the last time I have been possessive about a woman, let alone jealous. Even when I can think of it, perhaps Teresa? Maybe someone after her? I know that even if I felt it, it never saw the surface, never touched the world, not since I was a kid.

I’ve built myself around control like that. Around making sure that everything I felt, was what I wanted to feel, or should feel. As opposed to what would happen without that control. When depression is a natural part of your life, you tend to require that kind of control. Sometimes feeling nothing, is better than feeling hopeless. Jealousy and possessiveness are two emotions strongly attributed with relationships, and I’ve seen jealousy ruin relationships before.

Hell, I’ve seen jealousy ruin my relationships back in the day, when suspicion and jealousy runs wild with lack of trust, and forces hands in the wrong direction, conclusions reached that should never have been considered in the first place, and ending with an argument over nonexistent circumstance.

Possessiveness is just as destructive, and I’ve seen that one hit hard in the past as well. Saying that they have to stay nearby, no they can’t be with that person, no they can’t go there, not without you. Blah blah…The desire for the attention is a disgusting habit, and thankfully one that I never fell into, or even entertained. By the time I was in things deep enough for possessiveness to emerge in my emotional pattern, I was old enough, and learned enough, to brush it aside.

So, I got the burst of possessiveness tonight. Why? It’s no one’s business. It does however involve Jocelyn, of course…And what is possessiveness without a shot of jealousy to wash it down? The possessiveness is so easy to hide. Granted, I imagine that if Jocelyn ever looked in my eyes, and truly looked…She would see that fire deep within them…Something which says, “you are Mine.” Despite of course the fact that she isn’t.

Now there is a hard one to describe. I’ve done it in the past, though… Described that particular emotional compass. It is an internal possessiveness, which I know means nothing, and which I merely set to the side and ignore for the most part. Hard to squelch it, given my lifestyle, however I don’t let it control me either.

Neither here, nor there. I let it out. Let a snort escape, an insolent action which reached her ears before I could squelch it all out. Go figure that immediately thereafter, I pushed it down. Apparently not from my features though. She saw it there as well.

So she stormed off, obviously less than impressed, and I’m left standing, watching her back, just as impressed with my lack of control.

Suppose there is little to do about it now. Let it go and move on and keep myself in better check in the future. Just my luck that it’s been so long since I’ve –had- to control my emotions, that I let it slip when it may have mattered.

Life and love…like?

Peace out,

The Zodiak