I Dropped the ball. Hope it bounces.

Possession, jealousy… Emotions which I despise. I push them down, deep into my core, and lock them away. Nine times out of ten, they don’t even see the surface, they don’t cross my face, flash in my eyes, or –the gods forbid- pass my lips.

I fucked that one up.

Yeah… My perfect control found a trip wire, and while it was staggering to recover itself, I lost my way, and lost my control. My perfect, always in place, utterly impeccable, control.

I can’t remember the last time I have been possessive about a woman, let alone jealous. Even when I can think of it, perhaps Teresa? Maybe someone after her? I know that even if I felt it, it never saw the surface, never touched the world, not since I was a kid.

I’ve built myself around control like that. Around making sure that everything I felt, was what I wanted to feel, or should feel. As opposed to what would happen without that control. When depression is a natural part of your life, you tend to require that kind of control. Sometimes feeling nothing, is better than feeling hopeless. Jealousy and possessiveness are two emotions strongly attributed with relationships, and I’ve seen jealousy ruin relationships before.

Hell, I’ve seen jealousy ruin my relationships back in the day, when suspicion and jealousy runs wild with lack of trust, and forces hands in the wrong direction, conclusions reached that should never have been considered in the first place, and ending with an argument over nonexistent circumstance.

Possessiveness is just as destructive, and I’ve seen that one hit hard in the past as well. Saying that they have to stay nearby, no they can’t be with that person, no they can’t go there, not without you. Blah blah…The desire for the attention is a disgusting habit, and thankfully one that I never fell into, or even entertained. By the time I was in things deep enough for possessiveness to emerge in my emotional pattern, I was old enough, and learned enough, to brush it aside.

So, I got the burst of possessiveness tonight. Why? It’s no one’s business. It does however involve Jocelyn, of course…And what is possessiveness without a shot of jealousy to wash it down? The possessiveness is so easy to hide. Granted, I imagine that if Jocelyn ever looked in my eyes, and truly looked…She would see that fire deep within them…Something which says, “you are Mine.” Despite of course the fact that she isn’t.

Now there is a hard one to describe. I’ve done it in the past, though… Described that particular emotional compass. It is an internal possessiveness, which I know means nothing, and which I merely set to the side and ignore for the most part. Hard to squelch it, given my lifestyle, however I don’t let it control me either.

Neither here, nor there. I let it out. Let a snort escape, an insolent action which reached her ears before I could squelch it all out. Go figure that immediately thereafter, I pushed it down. Apparently not from my features though. She saw it there as well.

So she stormed off, obviously less than impressed, and I’m left standing, watching her back, just as impressed with my lack of control.

Suppose there is little to do about it now. Let it go and move on and keep myself in better check in the future. Just my luck that it’s been so long since I’ve –had- to control my emotions, that I let it slip when it may have mattered.

Life and love…like?

Peace out,

The Zodiak