Happy Birthday To Me

I feel so emo right now.

Just a pity trip of depression... My birthday is the 24th, tomorrow. I don't advertise it, a number of my friends know about it already. My friends know that my basic plans for my b-day are small, hang out with several, maybe catch a movie, just take a day off of being a loner.

So this time around, what do I get? I'm the third wheel to everyone else's plans. Which happens, understandable. Just kind of amusing that the two friends that have an impact in my life, are both throwing parties...... For other people.

Shaun is throwing a party for his fiance, who has her birthday later on in january (28th I believe he said), and is inviting people from Belleville to come down for that party for her. Of course, I'm welcome to come if I want, partake of the festivities with people I either don't know, or hardly know for a party for someone else during my own day....

Gerry is going to a party with his friends for his own little, "pity me my girlfriend broke up with me -again- and its permanent cuz I got a restraining order against me now" party, which has an intended finale at a strip club.... I'm again, welcome to come if I want, and partake of the drunken bar hopping festivities among people I -don't- know, and don't even fit in with, while they get drunk and do stupid shit....

Sarah is going out tonight, already has left, actually, and will be gone until late saturday night, on her own little anime fest with a friend she met online. I'm of course not invited -which is no big deal as she extended her plans to saturday under the assumption I'd not be around until later on saturday-

But yeah, I feel a lil depressed over all... Kind of wonder if I want to just buy a bottle of jack and a bottle of wild berry and stick at home and say fuck it all.....

ahh Robin Williams drugs.....fukitol.... Life goin' bad? Fukitol.... Friends treating you like shit? Fukitol..... Just wondering when it will all end? Fukitol....

I'll probably go to Shaun's tomorrow. Hit up Chapters to get Becca something for her b-day, cuz I'm that kinda guy, and go with the Alberta Premium for everyone to drink, and my own 26'er of Jack and wildvine for myself to drink.... Or maybe a 40 of wildvine... that drink is cheap, and actually tastes good.... A 40 of it might even be able to get me drunk.

Well, probably isn't a guarentee... I'll likely feel a lil better tomorrow, my headache hasn't faded by too much, and over all the depression is very likely a temporary personal pity party.... But what else is new? After a night of watching House, maybe a lil bit of drinking, and a night sleeping alone.... Well, I'll either feel better tomorrow, or a hundred times more depressed... Suppose that will depend on whether or not Gerry follows through and pays back the $200 he said he would..... I got this feeling deep in my gut though, that I got a better chance of seducing Angeline Jolie then him paying me back right now.

Yeah... still feel emo, cuz this whole post is a giant whine session. Therapeutic, maybe... More just a vent for simple frustrations.

Roleplay is a headache as well.... I remember now why I left it all those years ago... drama. Not that it helps too much when there's idiots that still think "nidan" and "jashi" are gorean words... Also doesn't help when people conspire and dissent against others.

Just a giant crock. A pain in the ass, is what it is, in all reality.

However, its been leading me back to my old self. Manipulative, smarter, more cunning.... It feels much better to be how I once was, to roleplay properly....

Which is another thing. With Sarah gone for the night, I may even lay in bed before sleep, and record some notes for my novel. May actually work, or become something.... One can always hope, right?

I think its cool that I have two pieces of equipment, my phone and my mp3 player, that have voice recording capabilities. Means I can do this kind of thing and have it lead somewhere....
If I can actually get into the flow of narrating a tale.... talking it out, going over it.... I could, feasibly, narrate 10,000 + words and write them all out as I listen to the recording, right?
One step at a time, I suppose.

First, gotta stomp down my depression and decide to go out tomorrow and not bring the party down.

Happy birthday to me.... pfft.

Cheers,

The Zodiak

When do you learn?

What is the moment that you say, "Gee, that guy is right an aweful lot, maybe I should take his advice"? I wonder when this is, namely because Gerry hasn't hit that moment yet.

Though strangely, he says I'm a dick for not stopping him from going back to his (again) ex. I had to point out, and remind him, that its hard for me to stop him from going back to her like an idiot, when he left while I was at work without any word to me, or notification aside from an email sent after the fact, and an empty house when I got home.

Ah well, people will either learn that I give good, solid advice, or I get the selfish glorification of, "I told you so" which tends to happen more often then not with offered advice that I grant.

I mostly keep to myself, not because I'm not a generally nosey person -because I am- but because I've lost confidence in my ability to read a situation and people. I'm still rather accurate, but am not as flamboyant or boisterous in my actions towards it.

Now, admittedly, for being nosey, I keep secrets when I am asked. There are things about people that no one knows save for that person and myself... Well, and whoever else they've told. I am, at times, a bit of a gossip, but usually more towards people I trust... Such as Gerry and Shaun.

Ah well, looks like Gerry has finally burned the bridge behind him. I can't help but feel desperately sorry for Sophie (his daughter) brought into this world on the tail of a shattered relationship, however I am sure everything will work out for a modicum of normality. I mean hell, kids are born with on parent all the time, and I am sure Gerry will be granted visitation at the least. He'll provide for her, something else I am sure of.

So I've decided to get a tattoo. After years of agonizing over my perfect tattoo (which I still intend to get, eventually), and saying that it would be my first tattoo... I have discovered another tattoo, with similar (and more) meaning, which is a compromise between something simple, and something meanignful.

Sadly, "simple" is merely a word to say, "it will be on my upper arm instead of covering half my back", and not an apt description of, "it'll be a chinese character for 'go fuck yourself' that the artist will tell me means 'courage'..." Its actually rather beautifully elaborate, and well thought out, in my eyes.

A snake eating its own tail, the symbol of aes sedai and a meaning for "eternity".... With a Yin Yang symbol in the center, a symbol of balance.... the black fang of the yin yang will be a dragon, crying out to the skies... and white flame will be a phoenix, diving into the dragon's belly... It will be detailed, and rather nice... Designed for my upper right arm.... I figure it is a good place to start, and it has the meaning behind it..... A dragon for wisdom, as well as Logain, and the phoenix for rebirth as well as Darcy....

It doesn't get much more meaningful then "eternity, balance, wisdom and rebirth, with my first love".... right? I'm just inexperienced... I need to figure out what I should be doing for a time line.... I'm considering two tattoo parlors in the city, Matrix and Pushing Ink.... The former is purely on my brother's (Gerry) word, saying that they've improved, and running on the word of a co-worker, there is an artist there, Jay, who may not be bad.

The other is on word of a co-worker, its the oldest parlour in barrie, and has some of the most experienced artists around. They're a lil pricey, but as one of my co-workers said, "Good work ain't cheap, and cheap work ain't good."... So at $125/hr for the work, it may be worthwhile for the properly done, well drawn, well worked tattoo... As opposed to cheaper and something that will bleed out.

Ah well, I'll probably flip a coin to decide if I will give them a chance to do the art, or if I'll continue my hunt for a personal artist for the work, and just have them copy it.

Speaking of which, if you are, or know, a really decent artist, let me know... I'm interested, looking, and even willing to pay.


Cheers,

The Zodiak.

As True Now as it Was Then

I'm an asshole.

Yeah, its a repeat theme of my ever present rants. I find it amusing that some people will deny that I am, yet don't hesitate to call me mean, or cruel, or insensitive. I wonder when it will actually click that the summary of all of those flaws, is to be an asshole.

So Sarah has moved in, piccola. She managed, within 24 hours, to make my bio hazard of a kitchen, livable once more... She also made the god of all desserts.... Whoever thought of combining brownies with cheesecake, should be heralded as a god.

Now admittedly, things have been unique, having someone share my bed again, even without sex, is something I'm still not quite used to, that and I have slips in control, which leads to various.... things.... which in turn cause frustration.

The amusing thing to these things, and my self control slips, as well as the whole situation, is that Gerry, noble, strong, atypical Gerry, who tells me not to have sex with her, because its not long term, and he wants me to actually settle, as opposed to quick flings of questionable integrity.... Is now saying to jump her bones. To pounce and ravage her body... The turning point of his stance? It occured to him, that self-gratification while someone else is in the residence, is made difficult. So the loss of such an integral part of being a male, has turned Gerry around for my own health... Or so he says.

In truth, I think he just wants to rub it in my face at a later date to say, "See? I told you that you would do it!"... If something happens, though, it will be on my terms, my decision, and arrived at just as the previous decision -not- to do anything was arrived at... Which is to say, looking at the reasons behind it, and the outcome, and using that as a jumping point for the facts.

Things have changed, however not enough for me to jump all over the prospect of sex. Which now has my mind working over the Clinton argument... "I puffed, but I didn't inhale."... Which is to say, I fingered, but I didn't fuck.

And fooling around, second or third base type of thing, groping petting, etc, isn't sex, nor is it excessively sexual, until someone climaxes... In which case, things get dicey on definition. By Bill Clinton's argument, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." despite the fact oral sex was involved.

So with that in mind, does oral sex, or heavy petting with climax, count as sexual involvement? How many hairs do I want to split to hold to my word? Not many, actually. I more think if I started something sexual, if the responses matched the actions, I'd go through with it.

What it comes down to, is I made a decision, this decision was based on my pride and integrity, the fact that yes, I'm a whore, but I am a whore with character. I don't sell myself short, nor do I put out needlessly. I have a strong self control, even if my body doesn't always realize it.

Hard to control how the body reacts, though if I do become aroused, I can tend to push it down to nothing with a few minutes of concentrated breathing. Irrelevent though, in the end.

So we'll see what happens with everything in the end, over all, as I consider, contemplate, and work through my mental anguish.... Ok, anguish is a strong word, but Mental Pinpricks just doesn't sound as dramatic. Dear god, I'm starting to emulate House... "Well, then why didn't you say that in the first place?" "Because it doesn't sound as cool."

Sarah is trying to antagonize me into gaming. Poking at me, and accusing me of not being a true gamer. I'm a gamer, I'm just retired.... Or perhaps am merely on hiatus, vacation, break.... Most games don't catch my interest, and even those that do, is a brief grab for my attentions before I get distracted.

I've brought up the possibility of Adult ADD to my doctor, and even as I do, I disregard it, because as much as I meet several of the symptoms, I also have too much concentration when I do find something of interest.

I have also determined that sleeping by the wall deters sexual interest... I am ambidextrous, true, however, my right hand is still my primary, and as such, is the hand that "has all the moves" so to speak... So that means being on my left side, not my right, which is what happens when I'm against the wall.

Ah well.... Roleplay is keeping me vaguely entertained. I did my first spar in more then two years (May 2006 was my last judged spar)... I got my ass kicked by a killing blow. It was rather clever, and the speed and bluntness of it, coupled with my disuse of the sparring system, had me wide open for the attack. I thought I had made the defense well enough, I was wrong.

Saturday had me waking up to wanting to disembowel Highland Laird, the Second in Command of the Place I call Home.... This came from shortly after waking up, I had room posts on my msn.... posts which were of a storyline, a storyteller side set of posts of me, and NPCs I created, in an attack on 4 men.

I wasn't in the room, but my character was being used. I hit the fucking roof.... Tore HL a new asshole, and told him if he ever did it again, we'd have a problem.... He made a snappy remark back, that wasn't too snappy, and would have been more stylish had he used the comeback dribbling down his chin.

He came back and appologized eventually. All the better. I'll feel better about the whole thing when I take him in for a spar and hand him his ass.

My problem with the spar system nowadays, is it seems people have turned into Gumbi.... Twisting and turning, and doing stuff that doesn't seem healthy.... Little descriptions, that when not there, are seen anyways, and when they are there, make the subtle motion seem monstrous.... "I turned to my left, bring my blade into right to left swing, with the blade tilting forward to go over and behind your shield face and open up your chest" is simple enough... And easy to read.... however... "I turned to my left, torso twisting to face my left side, as I brought my blade in a right to left slash, fulcruming it along the upper edge of your shield, wrist twisting, turning the blade downwards as I made a counter clockwise cut" is elaborate, and the twis.... ok, fuck off, that's a bad example, cuz I'm too clear in my descriptions.... But the idea is, over complicating the description is a pain which should be punishable by cybering a 2 lining slave.

Anyways... I need more sparring practice, will take my time, go bit by bit, and savor the roleplay. Or potentially savor the roleplay, anyways. I'm still a lil off on what I can and can't do. However as time passes I get better with that.

So that is everything for the moment, as time passes though, and I am deeper into roleplay, I find myself, my mind, and my old mannerisms coming back. Its almost nice, if it weren't so dangerous.

Safe Roads,

The Zodiak.

Lobbing hand grenades

One of the few things where being close or on target, doesn't matter.

That and horse shoes.... *chuckles*

I've started writing again.... Even in the creative sense. However its not in a novel or story... I'm back into roleplay. Which is something I'm still trying to interpret for myself, if it is a good thing, or a bad thing. It definitely forces a creative spark within my mind, pushing out descriptive action for a character of my own minds development.

The problem of course, with this, is that it is a different form of creative writing then would be used for story writing. Yet it is a step, right? Its a push in the right direction... To be working from the perspective of one character in a controlled world, would give oppurtunity to eventually branch out to multiple characters in my own world.

At least, that is the theory. Things work in theory all the time, when in practice its a bloody mess.

We'll see how it goes. The push for the roleplay and descriptive style required in roleplay comes and goes, waxes and wanes with the shift of my mind... I can force it, I know that, and have discovered that already. It merely doesn't come as naturally if I have to push it out, it is staggered, the words not quite right, the time between posts extended exponentially and the over all quality, though in outward appearance being strong, the indepth look shows that it is not.

I also find myself in a Home where I at times, feel my talents going to waste. Admittedly, that seems a touch conceited... However, I consistently release words, actions, posts that span anywhere from 3-9 lines.... Which perhaps may not seem overly significant in the larger picture... Yet when a slave, whom is supposed to be visually pleasing, an aesthetic beauty in their posts, something that should be a joy to read, has actions that encompass a dozen words, if that, it tends to make one wonder why they are exceeding the efforts of those whom should excel?

Irrelevent, really... I've yet to spar since I've been back, though I remember the rules of engagement, its more a matter of curiousity whether I can still employ them to proper effect.

Ah well...

In other news... Sarah is supposed to be staying with me for a short period of time, as her current residence is sadly evicting her due to it being a basement apartment and the upstairs neighbors being assholes. Which really, isn't my place to speak over all, am a friend, and as such have no problem giving her a place to crash until her boyfriend gets his act together.

If he gets his act together. The whole situation is a cluster fuck that makes me shake my head at all of it. First she asks my advice on the whole thing, which admittedly was mostly negative, with him in the room to see all the posts and words spoken, and then she tells me that he's hurt her so much that she feels numb. This runs on further contemplation to the futility of the whole thing...

And then she goes off to have sex with him....

Hmm... Seems to me, there's something missing in the equation. I'm either getting very dense when it comes to human nature (not something I'd expect to happen that quickly), or there's more going on then is being said. Which is irrelevent in the end, as I've made a decision that I believe is not only the better, yet also the right, choice to make.

The details are rather complex, strange, and over all seemingly absurd from some randomized soap opera. More then I'd want to bore my readers with, anyways.

I suppose you can take it as this... I've decided to take the.... *chokes over the word* moral..... *cough*.... high ground... Something I rarely bother with, as I've very very VERY few morals. The cause to this however, falls more selfishly on my Pride, than any actual moral value. Just one of those coincidental crossing of paths.

Work seems to be going well enough, one day back this year, and I made it through the day..... This canker sore on my upper lip is driving me nuts, its been more then a week. Though by the feel of it at this exact moment, its finally hit the dormant stage. Not hurting unless I purposely poke at it.... You know, considering they aren't contagious, and don't spread... merely a product of stress or the chemicals in toothpaste... I find myself getting them rather often lately. Fucking oral ulcers are a pain in my ass.

And with those words to lull you all off, I bid my readers adieu.

The Zodiak.

A New Beginning

The Wheel of Time turns, and ages comes and pass, leaving memories that become legend, and then fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third age by some, a wind rose in the north of Barrie. The wind was not the beginning, there are neither beginning nor ending to the turning of the Wheel of Time, but it was -a- beginning.

Ok, perhaps not quite so dramatic. However I've always loved the Wheel of Time books, and love the opening sequence which has, and always will be, such a poetic introduction.

This past year, I really had only one true goal, and that was not to sit on my ass and do nothing. Not to lay down and let life pass me by. My only true resolution last year, was to take some initiative.

I'd say that I actually accomplished that.

In Shaun, I found a friend, someone who is outgoing and extroverted who has urged me to get off my ass and socialize. Perhaps not as much as some, but more then I had in the past. He got me to enjoying alcohol as a social pursuit as opposed to an act of stupidity, and moreso was a great drinking companion for the few times we managed it... He's quit drinking, and I give him kudos to that endeavor. I doubt I'll ever quit drinking, though the sludge I drank last night would be a testament to not buying cheap alcohol.

This is the first new year in a long time that I rang in with a kiss. Not merely words on the screen, but a physical body beside me. Nothing happened beyond a kiss... Well, nothing substantial that I would allow to happen with an intoxicated woman, no matter the situation.

There's not a lot more I can put in for a new year's resolution this year. To continue as I am, to continue to seek oppurtunity in life... To again push to not be alone for another year (and dates/one night stands count, so I pulled it off this past year, might as well try this yeear as well)... And perhaps to push myself to write.

I miss writing, roleplay, and the sheer creative force that I know is deep inside me on some level. I want to bring it out again, it is merely a matter of finding the leverage for it. That inspiration, that leverage, this hidden Muse, may not truly exist. However I hope, at some point, to find it, and to bring it to full fruition.

Only time will tell.

Happy New Year,

The Zodiak.