Happy Birthday To Me

I feel so emo right now.

Just a pity trip of depression... My birthday is the 24th, tomorrow. I don't advertise it, a number of my friends know about it already. My friends know that my basic plans for my b-day are small, hang out with several, maybe catch a movie, just take a day off of being a loner.

So this time around, what do I get? I'm the third wheel to everyone else's plans. Which happens, understandable. Just kind of amusing that the two friends that have an impact in my life, are both throwing parties...... For other people.

Shaun is throwing a party for his fiance, who has her birthday later on in january (28th I believe he said), and is inviting people from Belleville to come down for that party for her. Of course, I'm welcome to come if I want, partake of the festivities with people I either don't know, or hardly know for a party for someone else during my own day....

Gerry is going to a party with his friends for his own little, "pity me my girlfriend broke up with me -again- and its permanent cuz I got a restraining order against me now" party, which has an intended finale at a strip club.... I'm again, welcome to come if I want, and partake of the drunken bar hopping festivities among people I -don't- know, and don't even fit in with, while they get drunk and do stupid shit....

Sarah is going out tonight, already has left, actually, and will be gone until late saturday night, on her own little anime fest with a friend she met online. I'm of course not invited -which is no big deal as she extended her plans to saturday under the assumption I'd not be around until later on saturday-

But yeah, I feel a lil depressed over all... Kind of wonder if I want to just buy a bottle of jack and a bottle of wild berry and stick at home and say fuck it all.....

ahh Robin Williams drugs.....fukitol.... Life goin' bad? Fukitol.... Friends treating you like shit? Fukitol..... Just wondering when it will all end? Fukitol....

I'll probably go to Shaun's tomorrow. Hit up Chapters to get Becca something for her b-day, cuz I'm that kinda guy, and go with the Alberta Premium for everyone to drink, and my own 26'er of Jack and wildvine for myself to drink.... Or maybe a 40 of wildvine... that drink is cheap, and actually tastes good.... A 40 of it might even be able to get me drunk.

Well, probably isn't a guarentee... I'll likely feel a lil better tomorrow, my headache hasn't faded by too much, and over all the depression is very likely a temporary personal pity party.... But what else is new? After a night of watching House, maybe a lil bit of drinking, and a night sleeping alone.... Well, I'll either feel better tomorrow, or a hundred times more depressed... Suppose that will depend on whether or not Gerry follows through and pays back the $200 he said he would..... I got this feeling deep in my gut though, that I got a better chance of seducing Angeline Jolie then him paying me back right now.

Yeah... still feel emo, cuz this whole post is a giant whine session. Therapeutic, maybe... More just a vent for simple frustrations.

Roleplay is a headache as well.... I remember now why I left it all those years ago... drama. Not that it helps too much when there's idiots that still think "nidan" and "jashi" are gorean words... Also doesn't help when people conspire and dissent against others.

Just a giant crock. A pain in the ass, is what it is, in all reality.

However, its been leading me back to my old self. Manipulative, smarter, more cunning.... It feels much better to be how I once was, to roleplay properly....

Which is another thing. With Sarah gone for the night, I may even lay in bed before sleep, and record some notes for my novel. May actually work, or become something.... One can always hope, right?

I think its cool that I have two pieces of equipment, my phone and my mp3 player, that have voice recording capabilities. Means I can do this kind of thing and have it lead somewhere....
If I can actually get into the flow of narrating a tale.... talking it out, going over it.... I could, feasibly, narrate 10,000 + words and write them all out as I listen to the recording, right?
One step at a time, I suppose.

First, gotta stomp down my depression and decide to go out tomorrow and not bring the party down.

Happy birthday to me.... pfft.

Cheers,

The Zodiak