Can't see the forest through the trees

Am finally awake enough to do this. Past few days I've barely been conscious, running on auto pilot. Meant to make this post Saturday.

People who have read this journal on a regular basis have likely come to the conclusion that 98% of it is negative. The majority of my writing comes down to dark reality, bad things happening, and a negative view on the world at large.

This kind of negativity is great for clearing my mind, and stopping myself from imploding. However at the same time, its a cluster fuck that can cause mixed feelings for those involved in the situations at hand.

The sum of it is, really, when you are staring at the darkness, and describing nothing but the shadows, its hard to see the flood light causing them, the brightness in the rest of the room.

Sarah is a good person. She and I have a lot in common, which is why, despite the convoluted situations, the messed up happenings, and the over all, "I must vent" scenarios... We are in a relationship.

Our minds often work similar, and we share a number of interests... Even if she can't stand my country music and the odd rap I listen to.

Since my last entry, a few things have changed... Some expected, some not so expected. I confronted her, as I said I would here, that I was done, giving a last option for everything before walking away from it, almost assured inside what the outcome would be. It was unexpected.

She's not seeing Andrew anymore in the real world. A concession to earn my trust back after everything, more to keep us together. I'm glad for it, and knowing he's a friend to her as well, know the step she took. It is far from easy to leave a friend behind for someone you love, however when you were intimate with that friend, it is extremely hard to rationalize not leaving them behind.

Of course there's a lot more to it then simply that. Things I see no reason to go into at this time, at this moment. Lets leave it at that though. She's not seeing him anymore, and the darkness in my mind accepts that as reasonable, and no less then I'd expect were situations reversed for me to leave someone behind as well.

-----

On another note, and this will be a briefer note... I received word from my cousin on Saturday. To contact my other cousin, or aunt asap... About my father. I called my aunt Joan, who redirected me to my cousin Irene. I spoke with Irene's husband, Lorrie, and found out my father isn't doing so hot.

He had a lot of heart problems the past several months... Had to go in for surgery to have two stints put in, and a third artery ballooned open in order to keep his heart in working order. The stints took, and the balloon was able to open the artery (it was in the back of the heart, so they couldn't stint it).

He was given a clean bill of health to go home, and then came down with pneumonia and a severe neck pain. He's currently in the hospital, doped up on pain medication.

I was sent home from work for a family emergency yesterday to go out to dinner with my sister so I could call him.

Which is another thing, Sunday, Julia, my sister, whom I've not seen since I moved out of my father's house... Called me. She got my number from Irene. Julia and I never got along, yet I've managed to choke down the past and move forward. Holding a grudge against family isn't productive in the least.

So there you have it. A glimpse at the flood light in my life right now, before I look back to the shadows.

Cheers,

The Zodiak.

Poetry Medley

So she's out with Andrew and his friends, because obviously 9 hours with a man she knows I can't stand because she fucked him, is simply not enough. So, thanks to this, I have a darkness creeping around my mind, and you, my readers, get to reap the benefits of my cold heart. Enjoy.


Coldness embodied in imagery cruel
looks undone and mind the fool
thought to love thought to hate
thoughts to lead me to my fate
heart of stone and heart of flesh
self destructive pain so fresh
thought I'd sink deeper still
my heart my soul slowly kill
slowly die, wither away
nothing left to me this day
unknown pain and known fright
nothing left for this fight
no understanding or way to try
by the gods why can't I die
blood flows freely to the ground
dripping, dropping, with no sound
pooling spreading like the mists
hands held limply, crying wrists
can't think straight nor in truth at all
thought I'd have father to fall
farther to come before I hit
farther to go with all this shit
-------------------------------

I look at myself superior and mighty
all below me and few stand facing me
I own what I wish and none stands strong
not before the might of a gorean man
Master and Man unique to this world
I rule within my sword arm and none approach
holding my council to myself
I hold the cold heart and thoughts unbound
my emotions my slave as much as my master
I bend knee to no being higher or lower
torrents within like the oceans of beowulf
surviving the storm that weathers my soul
madness creeps in at the edges of sanity
I hope one day to bath in their light
a yin yang twist of insanity and normality
nothing is right and everything wrong
nothing is here nor there anymore
I can't focus and can't see the truth
I can't see the lies that face me straight
can't decipher the knowledge I once had
working for what I was while being what I am
in time perhaps I'll be the better man
perhaps let slide slights and wounds
right now I'm unforgiving, never forget
as I was and shall be so forth
I can't stand the lies
the cruelty blindly let go
cut off its head and stand strong like so
I'm done with the pain and useless memory
love shouldn't be a blade digging into the gut
nor acid devouring the heart
there's no care, no love
not in these actions now
Embrace the darkness and coldness once more
become what I was, hello hell's door


Not my best, but I don't really care right now... It was looking worse before I tweaked it.


Night, I'm going to bed. Not dealing with this shit tonight.

The Zodiak.

Convoluted as always

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Words from my Past

I don't normally share old poetry, merely write new..... But these two seemed to touch my mind tonight, remembered from the days I wrote them. Decided to put them here, to reflect those thoughts.

-----------------------

Fight

When You Fight for everything
Sometimes it is hard to remember
What you fight for
But when you Lose everything
It All comes crashing Home
Quitters Are Nothing But Fools
But If You are clawing
At an endless brick wall
Your fingers are bloodied
Scraped to the Bone
Is it really quitting
To stop yourself from an endless task?
A chore that has no finish
A race while tied up
You can never win
It keeps piling up
So why not say fuck it?
If you can't beat them
Then join them
When you fight for everything
What are you really fighting for?
When you lose everything
It hurts.....
But You know...
As unbearable as it might be
You know you put yourself there
And it only hurts more
Words on a screen
My mind in reality
What am I fighting for?
My life and everything in it
But I lose so much
And it tears me apart
Who is to say
Why I fight for it anymore?
Because My fingers are bloody
Torn to the bone
I am tired of fighting
So now I watch the loss pile up
Friend, Family and Love
Gone because I am tired
Tired of life
Tired of fighting to have it
I Fight to have what I do not deserve
No....
I Cringe In fear of what I lose
I suffer the pain because I will not fight
I do not care
Except to hurt

Original by

Christopher Alexander MacLeod, 2002

--------------------

The Cliff

I stand there on the cliff face
staring out over the sea
I watch the sun reflect the surface
and I wonder is that me
Am I just a reflection of former glory
Or do I have a higher call
am I just something to admire
or shall I live where I fall
I stand there on the cliff face
and I think I know of life
Yet even as I stand there
I'm surrounded by pain and strife
I consider the thoughts of my heart
of my life and soul and past
and in my few years living
I realize I've lived too fast
With love and hope and flattery
I've done nothing but live a lie
like a cruel man with battery
I do nothing but destroy
I can't understand where I come from
or where I'm going too
All I know is that where I am right now
is not where I want to be, what i want to do
But I stand here on the cliff face
and slowly I lean forward
My reflection is on the surface
and I wonder which one's real
The connection, embrace like lovers
and the holding passion true
I break my body on the rock face
as my soul tears away from my body
and my heart breaks from sanity
My shattered body now the reflection
echoing the sun's own vanity

Original by

Christopher Alexander MacLeod, 2006

-----------------------------

Sleep well, my readers.

The Zodiak

Deep Darkness

I'm imperfect.

I know, its a shocking revelation which will send many of my fans, many of my readers, into shock. Its hard to grasp, and I appologize for the helplessness you may feel to know that I am, indeed, flawed...

However, it is something I realize, understand, and fully comprehend. It is this understanding which only baffles me further that I actually still have a superiority complex that is blatant.
That being said... I can't stop old habits, old darkness, from, at times, sneaking out. Jealousy, Possession, Paranoia, Suspicion.

Trust is the key. Well, more accurately, a fine chemical mixture of trust and forced indifference. Which is something that is much easier said then done, I assure you. As my last entry pointed out, control is always key, and I must always hold that key. Willpower is the difference between thought and action.

I sadly find myself on my journal, venting words I will not speak. Cowardice? Perhaps. I more like to see it as my elegance being in script more then speech. I can scribe my thoughts and feelings in a far superior manner then I can dictate them.

This of course has always been my way.... Preferring msn over a phone, preferring roleplay in html then at a table, preferring to type in a journal over a serious discussion. Which tends to be another issue... I don't take things seriously.

I blow things off, joke, jest, toss out flippant remarks. Do I not care about the issue? Do I not want to talk about it? Neither is true. I can seriously contemplate an issue, a topic, a debate, a discussion... However, without something to write down, without being able to scribe my thoughts and presenting them easily (my mind moves faster then my hands, its true, yet at least in this manner, I find my thoughts working in concert with my fingers to perfection), I tend to stagger over thoughts, touch without touching, and in turn the anxiety and stress which comes from this, forces me to find a relief, something to allow the stress to fly off and away.

So I joke, I jest, and I remove the serious air to the situation.

Andrew is at my place tonight. Visiting with Sarah. Suspicion, paranoia, possession, jealousy... Trust and indifference. Force it down, trust her words that nothing will/has happened, and force indifference to assure I don't doubt, don't suspect what isn't there, am not paranoid about everything. To be fair, its not paranoia if they are really out to get you.

Not sure how to get past it all. Sarah tells me, that if I truly want her, to fight for her. Which is a valid statement... I suppose what she doesn't understand, is that every minute, of every day, is a fight for me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Everytime I look at her, is a fight not to do something I've no right to... Everytime I think of her hanging out with Andrew is a battle to not be jealous, not suspect, not hunt him down and remove him. Darkness.... Every second of my life is a battle with that darkness, the cold void in my soul.

When battling on every front, being told that another shore requires your assault... A ridge that you must fight another for.... It gets difficult... Yet I'll persevere and in the end, I will fight as I can, as I am able, and I will combat my own inner demons to keep myself in check.

Ah well.... One step at a time... Its all I can do, in truth.

Be well, my readers, and worry not, your imperfect idol, which is me, is still pretty impressive.

Peace,

The Zodiak

Squeaky Toy

Or so she says she is.

This she says because I nibble on the back of her neck (what she calls gnawing), and like to hear the sounds she makes when aroused.

Admittedly, this is something common in many men, to be very sound oriented for arousal. Which of course I'll not deny being prone to myself. Not that it matters overly much in the end, or even in the beginning or middle, merely wanted to explain the... unusual... title.

On another note, the past two days have made me realize something, something that in truth I've known a long time, yet always tried to deny inside. Yes, this entry will be rather self-loathing (as many of my entries are), and rather dark in its entirety. I'd almost go so far as to say emo, except anyone who knows me, knows I'm far from it.

I'll never find true happiness. Not true unconditional love, nor a lover/friend which will always be there. The reasoning behind this is simple, and remarkably has little to do with my being a bad person (though I stand by that I am).

I have two approaches to any relationship, any friendship, the first is to adapt, be what they want, act how I believe I should act, and essentially play pretend. I can do this remarkably well, without lying, merely omitting many truths and half-truths to simply keep myself what is expected in a relationship. Lies may indeed come into it, if asked a morally opposing question to my beliefs (which is to say I don't have very many morals), yet it would work out rather well.

The downside to such a situation, where I am forced to lie to keep her happy, is that I remain miserable, and rather cloistered within the shadows of my soul. This kind of behavior is fine for the short term, but in the long term, it is maddening. I know this, because I've been in such a relationship. As much as I loved Teresa, playing at the good boy, just did not fit me, my mind, or my personality.... In the end, it was that which caused it to all fall apart and shatter. I suppose I should have expected nothing less when forced to hide my true self.

The other path, is to be myself, to be honest, to be truthful. I can be happy with this, and can even thrive in such a circumstance. She cannot. No woman can live with me in my true nature. Again, little to do with being a bad person (though I am), as I am a good man. However so little morals, such an indifference to the world, life, death... Who can seriously relate to that? Who could even tolerate it?

Sadly, this is the downfall of myself. I can lie with the best of them, and can even adapt to anything, feign emotion, fake sincerity, and in the end, be miserable for it. Or I can be honest, be indifferent until emotion blooms, and even with that bare blossom of love, show my indifference to everything else. I don't fear death, because I'm indifferent to life. I don't feel love, because I'm indifferent to hate.

So on so forth.

"This situation isn't Permanent, you can't claim me like that."

Yeah, no situation ever is permanent with me though. I'll never have a long term relationship, nothing that will last, nothing that will be something strong and standing for ages to come. Yes, woe is me, etc etc, blah fucking blah. In truth, I don't want to sound like I'm whining, or complaining, because I'm not. I'm explaining, I'm venting this explanation to clear my mind.

After all, as I've said before, this journal is for no one but myself, those out there just read it because I have nothing to hide.

The past two days have made me regret opening my mind, my emotions. Has made me wonder why I bothered revealing emotions and feelings which make no difference. Several things lead to this... She loves Andrew, and has an emotional connection to me. Over the past week, since those journal entries were made, the point has been made that we can't be in a long term relationship, "we have nothing in common"... Our moral standings are opposing to each other, we have different thoughts on a few things. I find it difficult not to point out that we've lived together for three months now, without any hiccups, without any issues, arguments or disputes that were beyond us, that we get along rather well for people with nothing in common.

This isn't permanent, she'll be leaving eventually. This I of course connect with her love of Andrew, that if he ever gets his act together and gets his own place, even with Mathue, that she'll be there, not here.

Again, this is a vent, I'm not whining, or complaining, I'm stating what, to me, seems to be the simple facts, the truth in the situation I perceive. I hate to make her feel guilty, I hate to feel myself. I try to bury it down, push it deep into my gut and try and stomp it out.

I feel the whispers in my mind, "Control, Chris. Control your emotion, your thoughts, your actions, control your mind, your body, your soul, your heart. Keep yourself in check, control is everything, control and willpower, keep yourself together and keep control."

I can't control my thoughts, but I can control how I respond to them, I can control my actions, my words, my body. I can control so much about myself, and it matters so little that I can.

I can really, in the end, only try to slowly quash my emotions, lay them to rest, and support her however she needs to be supported. After all, the rest doesn't matter particularly much... Its not permanent, and I have no rights to her on any side of the spectrum.

On another note, I find it little comfort to know she hasn't slept with him, about as much comfort that is found in her having told him she doesn't want a relationship right now. Comfort swiftly dashed when the fool knocks on my door at 8:30am in the morning when we've gone to bed at 5:30am and laid up talking for almost three hours... Just as we near sleep.

Some people need to be beaten to be taught a lesson.

Anyways, that is more than enough of my rant, my hopeless, pointless, self-loathing, and self-centered pathetic self pity rant.

Cheers,

The Zodiak

A much needed Update

So, for starters. I still have a job. Hurrah!

That being said, I have no idea how that happened, or how I pulled that one off. However, the fact that I did, or it has been, or whatever... It was an interesting first day back today. Linda welcomed me back (one of the supervisors), said she had heard, but not specifics, I told her, and she laughed... So at least one person found it amusing.

Teresa, our Human Resources person, came to me 12 minutes before my shift started, and asked me to come into Rebecca's office. I asked if she wanted me right then since I hadn't started yet, or if she wanted to wait until I had started... Was really just confirming... They wanted me then.

Turns out that was the wrong thing to do. I got lectured that I apparently was taking it too lightly.... That I didn't seem to care. I also was told that I should have called to say I felt bad and was sorry for my actions, etc.... This after I was told not to call them, that they would call me. I mean hell, I only did eventually call them because I hadn't heard -anything- in five days.

Of course I also got insulted, called a bad agent, that I'm far below par, that my quality scores are deceiving, that I'm rude, impatient, and grating with customers... I even tried to play middle ground, and say for severity of issue, if 1 were perfection, polite to all customers and perfect on quality, and 10 were asking a customer wtf they want... I'd be a 5.... The response? "Well, that's debateable." Lovely...

So I got chewed out, shredded, eaten up, spit out, and back to work....

I gotta say though, despite the 30 hours this little stunt cost me, despite the threats of termination, the hanging notion of being jobless... That one call, that one introduction... Was DAMN therapeutic. Empowering even. Am I proud of it? Nope. Did it still feel good? Nope. Its like masturbating in a church bathroom.... It feels really good at the time, but then you feel really guilty after.... Damnit, why's the virgin mary gotta be such a harlot!?

Onwards.

Sarah has read this, and is likely reading this. Despite that, there was no expected confrontation, no prodding to meaning as I had anticipated, and no discussion over it.

She says I seem a little off. I can't honestly say I am, or am not. I'm withdrawn, because it is the easiest way to deal with emotions that don't below. I'm pushing them down, and as such may seem a little more emotionally deadened then usual, a little more uncaring, a touch more indifferent.

This is simply the way of the world, the way of me, and the way I work, mentally and emotionally. I'm numb in many respects to emotion, even getting a soft smile, a gentle touch (that shows emotion), is a great feat that for most men would translate to a pronouncement from a mountain top of unrequitted love and desire.

Well, perhaps not that extreme.... But still, pretty big. Seems lately, a simple, soft sad smile, that is easily over looked unless you know what to look for, followed by a, "its ok" or, "sure, have fun" is a much easier way to handle it then broaching the issue.

After all, being the drama king in this would be foolish and unnecessary. She may actually be happy with Andrew, and the would be lover may actually end up being a good thing for her. He's naive, kind, and a sucker for looking after people. He's been with one woman, and that was a poor experience, he's affection starved and as such would cling to Sarah as she would to him. They even share similar morals... Where as me, I still quote the song by ICP, "If I only could I'd set the world on fire, everybody say fuck the world, fuck 'em all." and think its a pretty good answer to a lot of things.

I also think humans are like lemmings, breeding and pushing, and eating the environment to nothing as we run for new lands and go piling off a metaphorical cliff to our doom, where only a few will survive and we'll rinse and repeat the process in another million years. I mean hell, why not? The only other option is that we discover interplanetary exploration and screw other planets out of their environment.

Now, of course, despite this view that human life has little value, I still stand by the fact that I would take a bullet for a stranger (situation depending), which also lends that many of my ideals are rather askew, and contradict other ideals. Human life has no value, yet I don't agree with the death penalty, which of course springs from the argument of wondering, would you rather see an innocent man die, or a guilty man live? In truth, I would rather see a guilty man live, as one innocent of the sin should not be punished for it, it corrects nothing.

Now at the same time, this ends up leaning towards the value between humans and animals, which is itself an issue. As valuable as an animal life may be to some, and how many animals have more value then people, I can't place an animal above that of a human. For example, what would lead a family to put a dog to sleep, instead of giving it the $200 operation it takes to live?

Now, this in itself is a dilemma... You can't know the reasons the family put the animal to sleep. Maybe they didn't have the money, perhaps it was not in their affordability range. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.... Maybe they were just assholes who didn't have a decent bone in their body, were lottery winners and just went out and bought a new dog for $200 instead.

I can't find any of that likely. If an animal is put to sleep, I tend to find the likely reason why the animal is put to sleep for $60, instead of kept alive for $200... Others, when posed with this, toss out that there is no excuse, no reason, that they must be bad people and deserve to burn in hell and rot in the deepest pits of the abyss.

Which of course leads to so many other debates.... Are children held accountable for the sins of the father (parents)? I remember reading Piers Anthony Avatar series...Avatars of gods, or dieties... Death, Fate, Gaea, War, Time, Satan, and God.... My personal favorites were Satan and Death.... Satan, because despite the fact he was the avatar of evil, and Death, because it held such a great philosophical set of ideals and issues.

A soul is born pure white.... As time goes on, and they sin, and do bad things... there is tarnish applied to the soul... it turns from white, to gray, darker gray, to black.... (for utterly evil)... But there are differences.... A child born in incest, or rape... comes out at a 50/50 good/evil ratio.... The soul doesn't come out white, but gray, due to the way it was conceived.... It drove Thanatos mad with rage. He forced the soul into heaven, I believe... As souls in such a close balance, end up in purgatory for eternity.

The series on the whole is one of my favorite, though its been years since I've read them. I recall, in "With a Tangled Skein", the one about Fate.... They were cutting threads of life at one end, because they looked too long, and were confused because the skein of fate wasn't accepting the threads..... Death arrived, pissed beyond all reason, asking what the hell was happening, and picked up the dozens of thread pieces from the floor, screaming that they were all innocent lives, all babies still born before they even had a chance to enter the skein... they had cut the threads at the wrong end... snipped the wrong part.... the skein didn't take them, because they ended before it could.... So cruel.... And the consequence of the Office (position of the goddesses of fate) being filled all at once by new people. Clotho, Lacheses, and Atropo (Atropos?)...

A good series. I should get the rest of it and re-read them at some point.

Anyways, debates of morals, etc aside.... Because its about as relevant as my emotions... Just something that popped into my mind. I suppose there isn't much more to write about. I have work, my feelings on the whole don't matter for shit (I'm saying it, no one else), and my moral compass is broken.... Suppose in the end, I'm just a deranged young man. I should really start writing again... *sigh* Cept I've been finding other things to do... WoW, shows (just got Season One of NCIS which I'll watch this weekend since Sarah is away with two other friends), and the odd movie.

Ah well, c'est la vie.... And, on some level.... Vae Victus.

Cheers,

The Zodiak

Shock and Awe

Two posts in a few days. Shock!

And Shockingly aweful. Bleh... But of course, people are used to the fact that this thing is more a self pity party and bitch fest then anything really valid to anyone other then me. The only reason I even put it in a blog, is because I don't care what people really think of me, and have this perverse sense of humour that figures if someone else can be amused at my periodic suffering and poor luck, then why not give them that amusement.

So Sarah went over to her wouldbe lover's last night, though she of course denies any such possibility, and that nothing will happen, etc etc. I seem to recall similar things being said new years even when she came over here, and then she blamed the alcohol, despite stay a second night and sleeping naked next to me.

Believe it or not, I'm not near as stupid as my laziness indicates. When you like someone, you take action, especially if handed the oppurtunity to do such by spending a night with them in bed.

However, its not really my concern, is it? Not even in the slightest. She's not home yet (8:15pm) and that may even indicate her spending another night there, which I believe I made mention of being a possibility for her anyways when she left yesterday. Again, not my concern. Yet why am I concerning myself with it?

Why the hell do I have this deep seeded possession, a dark jealousy for her, when I know she wouldn't spit on me were I on fire... Ok, no, that's not true. She'd help put out the flames, she's a friend after all. She has no interest in me though, not in -that- way. Its been made clear, apparent, and abundantly obvious (look, three synonyms to make my point. ha!).

And I suppose, if not for the emotional numbness I so calmly boast... It may hurt so much more to know that. Instead, its a soft throb, a dark ache.... Like being in a room where the temperature is slowly rising continuously... enough that your body barely adapts before it goes up again. Just barely suppressed hurt.

Admittedly, that is how I take my showers.... Start off hot, moment my body adapts, make it hotter. I prefer to sear the flesh, bordering on burns, when I take a shower... Not sure why, yet it spurred one of my original poems, the first which actually made me think I could do more then write childish things.

So I've still heard no word from nucomm. Nothing to say if I have a job, or if I need to start looking. After speaking with a friend who is working his way through a very long course to becoming a lawyer, says I'm essentially SoL because of what caused the transgression. The end summary, is if I'm fired, I can attempt to appeal, to see what happens with that, and then move on.

Not a whole lot of luck there. It seems every time I start to make some headway, I get kicked back. Vincent's vaccination and check up cost me $100.00.... Almost exactly. Not something I can afford right now, and it means I need to put off his castration until I either know what the hell is going to happen at nucomm, or until I get another income flow.

I honestly am not sure what else I can write here this time around. I'm thinking that if it blows up in my face, and I get unemployment... I may put forth a small effort inbetween looking for work, to see if I can actually write. If it works out, and something actually comes from it, it may be worth while. However, that is the small sliver of optimism that always peeks up through my pessimistic views. I know it won't happen, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Peace,

The Zodiak.

A Lot to Unload

I've been quiet lately... Which I suppose to any of my readers isn't that unusual to see me go days, or even weeks, without saying so much as a peep.

Sadly, lately, that silence hasn't been in sync with my mind, or my thoughts, or my (don't laugh too hard) feelings.

Those who know me, and know me well, if you could track them down and probe them with questions, would tell you that I'm convoluted. I never make anything easy when it should be. I hide simple things, express them eventually in a complex myriad jumbled up in a rubix cube of confusion. Whether its done subconsciously to remain unpredictable, or whether my mind doesn't quite grasp "simple"... I'm not sure.

However, those few who know me, as rare as they are, and none in my life, would also tell you that when I care for someone, for something, I either dive in head first, or I push it away. I've already determined the reasoning for these.... If I see a chance in it, I'll dive in... I even wrote poetry about it when I was a kid, "easy in, hard out" because it was my way in love.... Get burned enough though, and you start being cautious around the fires.

When I see something that is slim to none, something that wouldn't, in my mind, work... I don't bother anymore. I push it away, mock it, and hope that it will just leave and not allow what little emotion I have to fester.

Wish it were that easy all the time. Hell, worked wonders with most of those in my past. Something to say, "I like you... You have no interest in me. Go fuck yourself so I can get back to my life." Which I have done. I did it with Shalane, I did it with Meghan, I did it with Shannon, I did it with a lot of the women in my past whom I cared for deeply, where I knew it would never go anywhere.

It seems to be a lot harder to do something like that, when you don't confess the emotion, and that person lives with you.

I've spent some time working through the past two months, thinking, running over events, actions, interactions... To pinpoint the exact moment a simple like, turned into more, shrugged into a deep caring. Strangely, I can't.

What I can pinpoint however, is the exact moment I convoluted a simple feeling to something I had to hide, cubby away, and never express.... The exact moment I realized, no matter what I did/do feel... Doesn't matter because we live in a shallow world, and the words, "Appearance doesn't matter" are still a farce that we've yet to overcome. The moment when a joke of, "Yeah yeah, you think I'm hideous, I know." is turned into a realization of truth when there is no denial.

Which sadly, doesn't stop the jealousy, the possession, the darkness inside of me from creeping and festering... Doesn't stop it from peeking out in casually hidden snide remarks about other men, other situations.... And despite this, despite it all, I try not to be petty about it, try to push the jealous down, the suspicion, the possessiveness I've no rights to.

Hell, that's the convoluted nature of myself, though the whole situation is pretty damned convoluted. I like her, she likes someone else, her boyfriend ignores her (practical abandonment in the worse sense), the someone else likes her back. Hell, the only two things holding her back from him, is the piece of trash that she calls her (in)significant other, and that her lover-to-be lives with mommy to look after his little brothers.

Just breathe though, right? Relax, let it slide, let it go. Let the world move around me, don't sweat the small stuff, and let the large stuff roll off my back like water off a duck. Its not always easy, but by burying myself in shows, video games, WoW, Work... I seem to be doing a pretty good job of it all.

Well, until this at least. She reads my journal and will know all of this by the end of the day. The confrontation will be brief, blunt, honest, and the ending of it will likely not resolve anything on any side because it is, for once, simple.

----------------

On to the other thing, the other landslide. I've been improving my work ethic. I've been going to work, not late, not going home sick, not calling in sick (except the 19th, but that was the anniversary of his death, so understandable).... So for all of this, for this conscious and obvious improvement in my performance... I've been suspended indefinitely.

I'm not saying I didn't deserve it. No... I'm not that stupid to deny that which I did. Was there reason behind it? Yes.

Leading back to those precious few, no longer in my life, who know me... They would tell you I'm prone to stress, anxiety, and overthinking everything.... I was doing three jobs at once, only one of which I'm still certified for, it was busy, calls coming in from all three jobs at once, one after another, with no way to know what I was dealing with, or how to deal with it, until it beeped in my ear.

To amplify this, I was threatened to be fired in the past if I used aftercall at all to breathe, to get my head on straight, or to even do more then write brief notes that they expect to be written while I'm on the call.

The cherry on the cake is my supervisor was also talking to me, inbetween calls, about an issue of concern about past progressive disciplines that had no foundation, and exactly when they were/had expired so they would no longer advance at their current rate.

Through all of this, with my mind running a mile a minute, a call beeped in, I was stressed, anxious, my medicaton hadn't yet kicked in, and I spoke before thinking, "Hello, thank you for calling ___, my name is Chris, what do you want?"

Not, "How can I help." or, "How can I assist you?".... "What do you want?"....... In two and a half years, I've never made a mistake like this, and in all honesty, they probably never would have found it, never would have known, never would have even questioned me on it... Except, being responsible about it... I told my supervisor about it.

Within 24 hours I was pulled into the Manager's office and told I'm suspended unpaid until further investigation.

I'm waiting for the call, for the phone to ring, to tell me whether I need to look for work elsewhere, or whether I can go back to this hell hole I call a job. Whatever the outcome, I can at least try to overturn the former, and the latter may actually put into perspective for them, all the medical records I've bloody well provided them to this exact effect.

Time and patience... Time to bury myself in WoW a lil more, and see what I can manage... Even though the game is starting to cap out on me again.

Stay safe, my readers.

The Zodiak.