Can't see the forest through the trees

Am finally awake enough to do this. Past few days I've barely been conscious, running on auto pilot. Meant to make this post Saturday.

People who have read this journal on a regular basis have likely come to the conclusion that 98% of it is negative. The majority of my writing comes down to dark reality, bad things happening, and a negative view on the world at large.

This kind of negativity is great for clearing my mind, and stopping myself from imploding. However at the same time, its a cluster fuck that can cause mixed feelings for those involved in the situations at hand.

The sum of it is, really, when you are staring at the darkness, and describing nothing but the shadows, its hard to see the flood light causing them, the brightness in the rest of the room.

Sarah is a good person. She and I have a lot in common, which is why, despite the convoluted situations, the messed up happenings, and the over all, "I must vent" scenarios... We are in a relationship.

Our minds often work similar, and we share a number of interests... Even if she can't stand my country music and the odd rap I listen to.

Since my last entry, a few things have changed... Some expected, some not so expected. I confronted her, as I said I would here, that I was done, giving a last option for everything before walking away from it, almost assured inside what the outcome would be. It was unexpected.

She's not seeing Andrew anymore in the real world. A concession to earn my trust back after everything, more to keep us together. I'm glad for it, and knowing he's a friend to her as well, know the step she took. It is far from easy to leave a friend behind for someone you love, however when you were intimate with that friend, it is extremely hard to rationalize not leaving them behind.

Of course there's a lot more to it then simply that. Things I see no reason to go into at this time, at this moment. Lets leave it at that though. She's not seeing him anymore, and the darkness in my mind accepts that as reasonable, and no less then I'd expect were situations reversed for me to leave someone behind as well.

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On another note, and this will be a briefer note... I received word from my cousin on Saturday. To contact my other cousin, or aunt asap... About my father. I called my aunt Joan, who redirected me to my cousin Irene. I spoke with Irene's husband, Lorrie, and found out my father isn't doing so hot.

He had a lot of heart problems the past several months... Had to go in for surgery to have two stints put in, and a third artery ballooned open in order to keep his heart in working order. The stints took, and the balloon was able to open the artery (it was in the back of the heart, so they couldn't stint it).

He was given a clean bill of health to go home, and then came down with pneumonia and a severe neck pain. He's currently in the hospital, doped up on pain medication.

I was sent home from work for a family emergency yesterday to go out to dinner with my sister so I could call him.

Which is another thing, Sunday, Julia, my sister, whom I've not seen since I moved out of my father's house... Called me. She got my number from Irene. Julia and I never got along, yet I've managed to choke down the past and move forward. Holding a grudge against family isn't productive in the least.

So there you have it. A glimpse at the flood light in my life right now, before I look back to the shadows.

Cheers,

The Zodiak.