Deep Darkness

I'm imperfect.

I know, its a shocking revelation which will send many of my fans, many of my readers, into shock. Its hard to grasp, and I appologize for the helplessness you may feel to know that I am, indeed, flawed...

However, it is something I realize, understand, and fully comprehend. It is this understanding which only baffles me further that I actually still have a superiority complex that is blatant.
That being said... I can't stop old habits, old darkness, from, at times, sneaking out. Jealousy, Possession, Paranoia, Suspicion.

Trust is the key. Well, more accurately, a fine chemical mixture of trust and forced indifference. Which is something that is much easier said then done, I assure you. As my last entry pointed out, control is always key, and I must always hold that key. Willpower is the difference between thought and action.

I sadly find myself on my journal, venting words I will not speak. Cowardice? Perhaps. I more like to see it as my elegance being in script more then speech. I can scribe my thoughts and feelings in a far superior manner then I can dictate them.

This of course has always been my way.... Preferring msn over a phone, preferring roleplay in html then at a table, preferring to type in a journal over a serious discussion. Which tends to be another issue... I don't take things seriously.

I blow things off, joke, jest, toss out flippant remarks. Do I not care about the issue? Do I not want to talk about it? Neither is true. I can seriously contemplate an issue, a topic, a debate, a discussion... However, without something to write down, without being able to scribe my thoughts and presenting them easily (my mind moves faster then my hands, its true, yet at least in this manner, I find my thoughts working in concert with my fingers to perfection), I tend to stagger over thoughts, touch without touching, and in turn the anxiety and stress which comes from this, forces me to find a relief, something to allow the stress to fly off and away.

So I joke, I jest, and I remove the serious air to the situation.

Andrew is at my place tonight. Visiting with Sarah. Suspicion, paranoia, possession, jealousy... Trust and indifference. Force it down, trust her words that nothing will/has happened, and force indifference to assure I don't doubt, don't suspect what isn't there, am not paranoid about everything. To be fair, its not paranoia if they are really out to get you.

Not sure how to get past it all. Sarah tells me, that if I truly want her, to fight for her. Which is a valid statement... I suppose what she doesn't understand, is that every minute, of every day, is a fight for me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Everytime I look at her, is a fight not to do something I've no right to... Everytime I think of her hanging out with Andrew is a battle to not be jealous, not suspect, not hunt him down and remove him. Darkness.... Every second of my life is a battle with that darkness, the cold void in my soul.

When battling on every front, being told that another shore requires your assault... A ridge that you must fight another for.... It gets difficult... Yet I'll persevere and in the end, I will fight as I can, as I am able, and I will combat my own inner demons to keep myself in check.

Ah well.... One step at a time... Its all I can do, in truth.

Be well, my readers, and worry not, your imperfect idol, which is me, is still pretty impressive.

Peace,

The Zodiak