I've been quiet lately... Which I suppose to any of my readers isn't that unusual to see me go days, or even weeks, without saying so much as a peep.
Sadly, lately, that silence hasn't been in sync with my mind, or my thoughts, or my (don't laugh too hard) feelings.
Those who know me, and know me well, if you could track them down and probe them with questions, would tell you that I'm convoluted. I never make anything easy when it should be. I hide simple things, express them eventually in a complex myriad jumbled up in a rubix cube of confusion. Whether its done subconsciously to remain unpredictable, or whether my mind doesn't quite grasp "simple"... I'm not sure.
However, those few who know me, as rare as they are, and none in my life, would also tell you that when I care for someone, for something, I either dive in head first, or I push it away. I've already determined the reasoning for these.... If I see a chance in it, I'll dive in... I even wrote poetry about it when I was a kid, "easy in, hard out" because it was my way in love.... Get burned enough though, and you start being cautious around the fires.
When I see something that is slim to none, something that wouldn't, in my mind, work... I don't bother anymore. I push it away, mock it, and hope that it will just leave and not allow what little emotion I have to fester.
Wish it were that easy all the time. Hell, worked wonders with most of those in my past. Something to say, "I like you... You have no interest in me. Go fuck yourself so I can get back to my life." Which I have done. I did it with Shalane, I did it with Meghan, I did it with Shannon, I did it with a lot of the women in my past whom I cared for deeply, where I knew it would never go anywhere.
It seems to be a lot harder to do something like that, when you don't confess the emotion, and that person lives with you.
I've spent some time working through the past two months, thinking, running over events, actions, interactions... To pinpoint the exact moment a simple like, turned into more, shrugged into a deep caring. Strangely, I can't.
What I can pinpoint however, is the exact moment I convoluted a simple feeling to something I had to hide, cubby away, and never express.... The exact moment I realized, no matter what I did/do feel... Doesn't matter because we live in a shallow world, and the words, "Appearance doesn't matter" are still a farce that we've yet to overcome. The moment when a joke of, "Yeah yeah, you think I'm hideous, I know." is turned into a realization of truth when there is no denial.
Which sadly, doesn't stop the jealousy, the possession, the darkness inside of me from creeping and festering... Doesn't stop it from peeking out in casually hidden snide remarks about other men, other situations.... And despite this, despite it all, I try not to be petty about it, try to push the jealous down, the suspicion, the possessiveness I've no rights to.
Hell, that's the convoluted nature of myself, though the whole situation is pretty damned convoluted. I like her, she likes someone else, her boyfriend ignores her (practical abandonment in the worse sense), the someone else likes her back. Hell, the only two things holding her back from him, is the piece of trash that she calls her (in)significant other, and that her lover-to-be lives with mommy to look after his little brothers.
Just breathe though, right? Relax, let it slide, let it go. Let the world move around me, don't sweat the small stuff, and let the large stuff roll off my back like water off a duck. Its not always easy, but by burying myself in shows, video games, WoW, Work... I seem to be doing a pretty good job of it all.
Well, until this at least. She reads my journal and will know all of this by the end of the day. The confrontation will be brief, blunt, honest, and the ending of it will likely not resolve anything on any side because it is, for once, simple.
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On to the other thing, the other landslide. I've been improving my work ethic. I've been going to work, not late, not going home sick, not calling in sick (except the 19th, but that was the anniversary of his death, so understandable).... So for all of this, for this conscious and obvious improvement in my performance... I've been suspended indefinitely.
I'm not saying I didn't deserve it. No... I'm not that stupid to deny that which I did. Was there reason behind it? Yes.
Leading back to those precious few, no longer in my life, who know me... They would tell you I'm prone to stress, anxiety, and overthinking everything.... I was doing three jobs at once, only one of which I'm still certified for, it was busy, calls coming in from all three jobs at once, one after another, with no way to know what I was dealing with, or how to deal with it, until it beeped in my ear.
To amplify this, I was threatened to be fired in the past if I used aftercall at all to breathe, to get my head on straight, or to even do more then write brief notes that they expect to be written while I'm on the call.
The cherry on the cake is my supervisor was also talking to me, inbetween calls, about an issue of concern about past progressive disciplines that had no foundation, and exactly when they were/had expired so they would no longer advance at their current rate.
Through all of this, with my mind running a mile a minute, a call beeped in, I was stressed, anxious, my medicaton hadn't yet kicked in, and I spoke before thinking, "Hello, thank you for calling ___, my name is Chris, what do you want?"
Not, "How can I help." or, "How can I assist you?".... "What do you want?"....... In two and a half years, I've never made a mistake like this, and in all honesty, they probably never would have found it, never would have known, never would have even questioned me on it... Except, being responsible about it... I told my supervisor about it.
Within 24 hours I was pulled into the Manager's office and told I'm suspended unpaid until further investigation.
I'm waiting for the call, for the phone to ring, to tell me whether I need to look for work elsewhere, or whether I can go back to this hell hole I call a job. Whatever the outcome, I can at least try to overturn the former, and the latter may actually put into perspective for them, all the medical records I've bloody well provided them to this exact effect.
Time and patience... Time to bury myself in WoW a lil more, and see what I can manage... Even though the game is starting to cap out on me again.
Stay safe, my readers.
The Zodiak.
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