A much needed Update

So, for starters. I still have a job. Hurrah!

That being said, I have no idea how that happened, or how I pulled that one off. However, the fact that I did, or it has been, or whatever... It was an interesting first day back today. Linda welcomed me back (one of the supervisors), said she had heard, but not specifics, I told her, and she laughed... So at least one person found it amusing.

Teresa, our Human Resources person, came to me 12 minutes before my shift started, and asked me to come into Rebecca's office. I asked if she wanted me right then since I hadn't started yet, or if she wanted to wait until I had started... Was really just confirming... They wanted me then.

Turns out that was the wrong thing to do. I got lectured that I apparently was taking it too lightly.... That I didn't seem to care. I also was told that I should have called to say I felt bad and was sorry for my actions, etc.... This after I was told not to call them, that they would call me. I mean hell, I only did eventually call them because I hadn't heard -anything- in five days.

Of course I also got insulted, called a bad agent, that I'm far below par, that my quality scores are deceiving, that I'm rude, impatient, and grating with customers... I even tried to play middle ground, and say for severity of issue, if 1 were perfection, polite to all customers and perfect on quality, and 10 were asking a customer wtf they want... I'd be a 5.... The response? "Well, that's debateable." Lovely...

So I got chewed out, shredded, eaten up, spit out, and back to work....

I gotta say though, despite the 30 hours this little stunt cost me, despite the threats of termination, the hanging notion of being jobless... That one call, that one introduction... Was DAMN therapeutic. Empowering even. Am I proud of it? Nope. Did it still feel good? Nope. Its like masturbating in a church bathroom.... It feels really good at the time, but then you feel really guilty after.... Damnit, why's the virgin mary gotta be such a harlot!?

Onwards.

Sarah has read this, and is likely reading this. Despite that, there was no expected confrontation, no prodding to meaning as I had anticipated, and no discussion over it.

She says I seem a little off. I can't honestly say I am, or am not. I'm withdrawn, because it is the easiest way to deal with emotions that don't below. I'm pushing them down, and as such may seem a little more emotionally deadened then usual, a little more uncaring, a touch more indifferent.

This is simply the way of the world, the way of me, and the way I work, mentally and emotionally. I'm numb in many respects to emotion, even getting a soft smile, a gentle touch (that shows emotion), is a great feat that for most men would translate to a pronouncement from a mountain top of unrequitted love and desire.

Well, perhaps not that extreme.... But still, pretty big. Seems lately, a simple, soft sad smile, that is easily over looked unless you know what to look for, followed by a, "its ok" or, "sure, have fun" is a much easier way to handle it then broaching the issue.

After all, being the drama king in this would be foolish and unnecessary. She may actually be happy with Andrew, and the would be lover may actually end up being a good thing for her. He's naive, kind, and a sucker for looking after people. He's been with one woman, and that was a poor experience, he's affection starved and as such would cling to Sarah as she would to him. They even share similar morals... Where as me, I still quote the song by ICP, "If I only could I'd set the world on fire, everybody say fuck the world, fuck 'em all." and think its a pretty good answer to a lot of things.

I also think humans are like lemmings, breeding and pushing, and eating the environment to nothing as we run for new lands and go piling off a metaphorical cliff to our doom, where only a few will survive and we'll rinse and repeat the process in another million years. I mean hell, why not? The only other option is that we discover interplanetary exploration and screw other planets out of their environment.

Now, of course, despite this view that human life has little value, I still stand by the fact that I would take a bullet for a stranger (situation depending), which also lends that many of my ideals are rather askew, and contradict other ideals. Human life has no value, yet I don't agree with the death penalty, which of course springs from the argument of wondering, would you rather see an innocent man die, or a guilty man live? In truth, I would rather see a guilty man live, as one innocent of the sin should not be punished for it, it corrects nothing.

Now at the same time, this ends up leaning towards the value between humans and animals, which is itself an issue. As valuable as an animal life may be to some, and how many animals have more value then people, I can't place an animal above that of a human. For example, what would lead a family to put a dog to sleep, instead of giving it the $200 operation it takes to live?

Now, this in itself is a dilemma... You can't know the reasons the family put the animal to sleep. Maybe they didn't have the money, perhaps it was not in their affordability range. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.... Maybe they were just assholes who didn't have a decent bone in their body, were lottery winners and just went out and bought a new dog for $200 instead.

I can't find any of that likely. If an animal is put to sleep, I tend to find the likely reason why the animal is put to sleep for $60, instead of kept alive for $200... Others, when posed with this, toss out that there is no excuse, no reason, that they must be bad people and deserve to burn in hell and rot in the deepest pits of the abyss.

Which of course leads to so many other debates.... Are children held accountable for the sins of the father (parents)? I remember reading Piers Anthony Avatar series...Avatars of gods, or dieties... Death, Fate, Gaea, War, Time, Satan, and God.... My personal favorites were Satan and Death.... Satan, because despite the fact he was the avatar of evil, and Death, because it held such a great philosophical set of ideals and issues.

A soul is born pure white.... As time goes on, and they sin, and do bad things... there is tarnish applied to the soul... it turns from white, to gray, darker gray, to black.... (for utterly evil)... But there are differences.... A child born in incest, or rape... comes out at a 50/50 good/evil ratio.... The soul doesn't come out white, but gray, due to the way it was conceived.... It drove Thanatos mad with rage. He forced the soul into heaven, I believe... As souls in such a close balance, end up in purgatory for eternity.

The series on the whole is one of my favorite, though its been years since I've read them. I recall, in "With a Tangled Skein", the one about Fate.... They were cutting threads of life at one end, because they looked too long, and were confused because the skein of fate wasn't accepting the threads..... Death arrived, pissed beyond all reason, asking what the hell was happening, and picked up the dozens of thread pieces from the floor, screaming that they were all innocent lives, all babies still born before they even had a chance to enter the skein... they had cut the threads at the wrong end... snipped the wrong part.... the skein didn't take them, because they ended before it could.... So cruel.... And the consequence of the Office (position of the goddesses of fate) being filled all at once by new people. Clotho, Lacheses, and Atropo (Atropos?)...

A good series. I should get the rest of it and re-read them at some point.

Anyways, debates of morals, etc aside.... Because its about as relevant as my emotions... Just something that popped into my mind. I suppose there isn't much more to write about. I have work, my feelings on the whole don't matter for shit (I'm saying it, no one else), and my moral compass is broken.... Suppose in the end, I'm just a deranged young man. I should really start writing again... *sigh* Cept I've been finding other things to do... WoW, shows (just got Season One of NCIS which I'll watch this weekend since Sarah is away with two other friends), and the odd movie.

Ah well, c'est la vie.... And, on some level.... Vae Victus.

Cheers,

The Zodiak