Shock and Awe

Two posts in a few days. Shock!

And Shockingly aweful. Bleh... But of course, people are used to the fact that this thing is more a self pity party and bitch fest then anything really valid to anyone other then me. The only reason I even put it in a blog, is because I don't care what people really think of me, and have this perverse sense of humour that figures if someone else can be amused at my periodic suffering and poor luck, then why not give them that amusement.

So Sarah went over to her wouldbe lover's last night, though she of course denies any such possibility, and that nothing will happen, etc etc. I seem to recall similar things being said new years even when she came over here, and then she blamed the alcohol, despite stay a second night and sleeping naked next to me.

Believe it or not, I'm not near as stupid as my laziness indicates. When you like someone, you take action, especially if handed the oppurtunity to do such by spending a night with them in bed.

However, its not really my concern, is it? Not even in the slightest. She's not home yet (8:15pm) and that may even indicate her spending another night there, which I believe I made mention of being a possibility for her anyways when she left yesterday. Again, not my concern. Yet why am I concerning myself with it?

Why the hell do I have this deep seeded possession, a dark jealousy for her, when I know she wouldn't spit on me were I on fire... Ok, no, that's not true. She'd help put out the flames, she's a friend after all. She has no interest in me though, not in -that- way. Its been made clear, apparent, and abundantly obvious (look, three synonyms to make my point. ha!).

And I suppose, if not for the emotional numbness I so calmly boast... It may hurt so much more to know that. Instead, its a soft throb, a dark ache.... Like being in a room where the temperature is slowly rising continuously... enough that your body barely adapts before it goes up again. Just barely suppressed hurt.

Admittedly, that is how I take my showers.... Start off hot, moment my body adapts, make it hotter. I prefer to sear the flesh, bordering on burns, when I take a shower... Not sure why, yet it spurred one of my original poems, the first which actually made me think I could do more then write childish things.

So I've still heard no word from nucomm. Nothing to say if I have a job, or if I need to start looking. After speaking with a friend who is working his way through a very long course to becoming a lawyer, says I'm essentially SoL because of what caused the transgression. The end summary, is if I'm fired, I can attempt to appeal, to see what happens with that, and then move on.

Not a whole lot of luck there. It seems every time I start to make some headway, I get kicked back. Vincent's vaccination and check up cost me $100.00.... Almost exactly. Not something I can afford right now, and it means I need to put off his castration until I either know what the hell is going to happen at nucomm, or until I get another income flow.

I honestly am not sure what else I can write here this time around. I'm thinking that if it blows up in my face, and I get unemployment... I may put forth a small effort inbetween looking for work, to see if I can actually write. If it works out, and something actually comes from it, it may be worth while. However, that is the small sliver of optimism that always peeks up through my pessimistic views. I know it won't happen, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Peace,

The Zodiak.