Squeaky Toy

Or so she says she is.

This she says because I nibble on the back of her neck (what she calls gnawing), and like to hear the sounds she makes when aroused.

Admittedly, this is something common in many men, to be very sound oriented for arousal. Which of course I'll not deny being prone to myself. Not that it matters overly much in the end, or even in the beginning or middle, merely wanted to explain the... unusual... title.

On another note, the past two days have made me realize something, something that in truth I've known a long time, yet always tried to deny inside. Yes, this entry will be rather self-loathing (as many of my entries are), and rather dark in its entirety. I'd almost go so far as to say emo, except anyone who knows me, knows I'm far from it.

I'll never find true happiness. Not true unconditional love, nor a lover/friend which will always be there. The reasoning behind this is simple, and remarkably has little to do with my being a bad person (though I stand by that I am).

I have two approaches to any relationship, any friendship, the first is to adapt, be what they want, act how I believe I should act, and essentially play pretend. I can do this remarkably well, without lying, merely omitting many truths and half-truths to simply keep myself what is expected in a relationship. Lies may indeed come into it, if asked a morally opposing question to my beliefs (which is to say I don't have very many morals), yet it would work out rather well.

The downside to such a situation, where I am forced to lie to keep her happy, is that I remain miserable, and rather cloistered within the shadows of my soul. This kind of behavior is fine for the short term, but in the long term, it is maddening. I know this, because I've been in such a relationship. As much as I loved Teresa, playing at the good boy, just did not fit me, my mind, or my personality.... In the end, it was that which caused it to all fall apart and shatter. I suppose I should have expected nothing less when forced to hide my true self.

The other path, is to be myself, to be honest, to be truthful. I can be happy with this, and can even thrive in such a circumstance. She cannot. No woman can live with me in my true nature. Again, little to do with being a bad person (though I am), as I am a good man. However so little morals, such an indifference to the world, life, death... Who can seriously relate to that? Who could even tolerate it?

Sadly, this is the downfall of myself. I can lie with the best of them, and can even adapt to anything, feign emotion, fake sincerity, and in the end, be miserable for it. Or I can be honest, be indifferent until emotion blooms, and even with that bare blossom of love, show my indifference to everything else. I don't fear death, because I'm indifferent to life. I don't feel love, because I'm indifferent to hate.

So on so forth.

"This situation isn't Permanent, you can't claim me like that."

Yeah, no situation ever is permanent with me though. I'll never have a long term relationship, nothing that will last, nothing that will be something strong and standing for ages to come. Yes, woe is me, etc etc, blah fucking blah. In truth, I don't want to sound like I'm whining, or complaining, because I'm not. I'm explaining, I'm venting this explanation to clear my mind.

After all, as I've said before, this journal is for no one but myself, those out there just read it because I have nothing to hide.

The past two days have made me regret opening my mind, my emotions. Has made me wonder why I bothered revealing emotions and feelings which make no difference. Several things lead to this... She loves Andrew, and has an emotional connection to me. Over the past week, since those journal entries were made, the point has been made that we can't be in a long term relationship, "we have nothing in common"... Our moral standings are opposing to each other, we have different thoughts on a few things. I find it difficult not to point out that we've lived together for three months now, without any hiccups, without any issues, arguments or disputes that were beyond us, that we get along rather well for people with nothing in common.

This isn't permanent, she'll be leaving eventually. This I of course connect with her love of Andrew, that if he ever gets his act together and gets his own place, even with Mathue, that she'll be there, not here.

Again, this is a vent, I'm not whining, or complaining, I'm stating what, to me, seems to be the simple facts, the truth in the situation I perceive. I hate to make her feel guilty, I hate to feel myself. I try to bury it down, push it deep into my gut and try and stomp it out.

I feel the whispers in my mind, "Control, Chris. Control your emotion, your thoughts, your actions, control your mind, your body, your soul, your heart. Keep yourself in check, control is everything, control and willpower, keep yourself together and keep control."

I can't control my thoughts, but I can control how I respond to them, I can control my actions, my words, my body. I can control so much about myself, and it matters so little that I can.

I can really, in the end, only try to slowly quash my emotions, lay them to rest, and support her however she needs to be supported. After all, the rest doesn't matter particularly much... Its not permanent, and I have no rights to her on any side of the spectrum.

On another note, I find it little comfort to know she hasn't slept with him, about as much comfort that is found in her having told him she doesn't want a relationship right now. Comfort swiftly dashed when the fool knocks on my door at 8:30am in the morning when we've gone to bed at 5:30am and laid up talking for almost three hours... Just as we near sleep.

Some people need to be beaten to be taught a lesson.

Anyways, that is more than enough of my rant, my hopeless, pointless, self-loathing, and self-centered pathetic self pity rant.

Cheers,

The Zodiak