A Choice of Words

Last night I wrote that her going out with Andrew would be an act of infidelity, if not betrayal. My original wording was opposite of this, that it would be an act of betrayal, if not infidelity.

I should have stuck with the original wording, as the dictionary definition of infidelity is sexual, as opposed to emotional.

On another note, since the dictionary does have such strong connotations for the argument and words used.... Would going out with Andrew be a date?

Date:

6.	an appointment for a particular time: They have a date with their accountant at ten o'clock.

7.	a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night.

8.	a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement: Can I bring a date to the party?

from dictionary.com, or from websters...

4 a: an appointment to meet at a specified time ; especially : a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character b: a person with whom one has a usually romantic date

Yes, the especially notes that it can be between two with a romantic 'character'.

So the dictionary has a similar definition to my own for what a date is. Suppose now I know where I get it.

She also commented on taking the necklace off, and said that she would put it back on, over msn. I figured the issue dropped at that point, and moved on to other things (such as something frustrating in WoW that was kind of bothering me).... She apparently took my lack of enthusiastic response to mean it didn't matter and that she should just leave it off.

Too many catch 22s in a relationship in this day and age, too many to deal with in 10 minutes before work.

Peace out,

The Zodiak

Action reaction

So Sarah and I had an argument. The worst we've had since she told me she'd not see Andrew again (which lasted what? A month? Maybe.)

The premise of the argument was a movie coming out this weekend which I want to see, and I don't go to the movies alone, I wanted to see it with her. She responded that Andrew already invited her and she told him no, so she wasn't going to go with me either. This immediately set off a dark churning in my gut... She's not going to go see a movie with her ex-lover, and because she told him no, she's telling me no as well? Seems to scream ulterior motives, and I even commented, that I'm not a friend, I'm her boyfriend, her telling him no to a one on one date to a movie is something I'd expect, her telling me no to a one on one date to a movie, is... Well, the argument came from this, and me telling her that if she had of told Andrew yes, I'd be irritated because it is a date.

She's always replying to my journal entries in her's. Suppose this is a strange change of pace that I'm doing it in my own this time.

"Apparently, thinking about going to the movies with one other person means you’re going to fuck them. This is an amazing “fact” that I didn’t know before, so I’ll tell you how it all went."

No, when you have a history with someone, when someone "loves" you and you lust for them, when you can't be happy unless you see them... That implies a desire to want to do more then simply hang out.

"A few minutes later, he comments that he would have been aggravated if I went with Andrew, because that would be a “date”. Going with one friend to a movie is apparently automatically a date? He said it was because I had slept with him, and that going to a movie was essentially cheating. I felt fucking trusted, right... I said I’d add that to the list of things I hated about him and stormed off to the bedroom."

I have had this discussion with too many people, about dating, what constitutes a date and what is simply hanging out. When you were with someone, when you sleep with them, when you've been with them before, going out to dinner, a movie, spending a quiet night alone together? That's a date. That has always been the definition of a date.

I never said cheated, I never said it was essentially cheating. I said it was a date and I'd not be comfortable with it in the slightest, and I'd not be. It was a comment made in passing, with little seriousness on the whole as she told me that she wasn't going to the movie with him anyways.

"He came in and said “Why are you even with me if you hate me so much?” which was a blatantly ignorant statement, considering that I said there were things I hate about him. Yes, plural. Mostly his jealousy and lack of trust. If he can’t trust me, why is he with me? I’m in an emotional cage, and the confines are pushing me away. In reply, I directly said “I don’t hate you. There are things about you that I hate.” He said it must have been a big list, since it was plural. Yes, more than one thing. After that, he left the room, and on his way out said “Fuck him. As of now, we’re in an open relationship.”"

Was this an over reaction on my part in this given situation? Yeah, it probably was. In my own opinion, so was, "I'll just add this to the list of things I hate about you." and storming off to another room when I told her I'd not appreciate her going on a date with another guy whom she knows I don't even like her seeing.

I'm not perfect, far from it. However to have her tell me there are multiple things she -hates- about me... Not merely "tolerates" or "finds annoying" or even "dislikes"... No, things she hates about me... Something like that really bothers me. There are some things about her that I over look and tolerate, there is nothing about her I hate. If I hated something about her, I'd not be with her.

"So this is how a discussion about going to the movies with a friend, (which was only relevant because I said I wasn’t going,) turned into “fuck him”. I have no idea how that occurred; in my mind, it doesn’t make the least bit of sense. I took off the necklace he gave me and left it on the chest near the bed, and came out to see him playing with nail clippers. I don’t even want to know."

An over reaction, but considering the admission she's made to feeling that she loves him, and the fact that she at times thinks about him when she's with me... Yeah, my paranoia and jealousy often says sex would be involved again since it was involved once already in a "spur of the moment when we shocklingly had condoms on hand and available for safe sex when we weren't thinking things through" manner once already.

I know Andrew wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of the situation if it arose, if she were upset with me and went to him for comfort, to complain. I know, because it's happened once already, "spur of the moment" like.

In one argument, she takes off the gift I gave her, an heirloom that was my mother's. A silver necklace with is rather elegant. An insult really when you think about it, that she would toss away a gift given in love for the one month anniversary, after one argument. Perhaps were we breaking up, it would be more reasonable to do such a thing.

I had the nail clippers out because I chucked the tv remote in a lapse of control, and it shattered and I was putting it back together. It's still missing a button on it, one I don't use (as I don't know what button it was/is, I assume I don't use it).

----------------------------

So yes. I said we are in an open relationship. Why? Because my mind functions differently in an open relationship. I don't care what she does with anyone when it's open, as long as she is honest about it, you can't cheat in an open relationship. My theory on it is, simply, she thinks about him when laying with me, she lusts after him and breaks down randomly because she can't have him and only tells me when pushed on it, and due to her monogamous loyalty, she says she'd never do that anyways.

I don't think she's a whore, no matter what she believes. I think she's a lot more open to such activities then she acts. She was with one man for most of her life, and within a three month (less) period, got drunk and slept with one man, got buzzed and was intimate with another (this previously said made out with, the change is because she never even kissed him, merely got a little "intimate" whatever that means for her), and slept with another in a prepared spur of the moment situation. Two of these encounters at the very least, were done while she was still with Coleman. I honestly don't know if Andrew was before or after the weekend she "officially" broke up with Coleman. I assume it was after however, since she and I were in a relationship a week and a half or so after this.

Am I pissed off about it over all? Yes.

Will I let it drop? Yes. Because in all honesty, my back hurts, I'm in pain far too often, I'm worried too much about finances and work, to let an argument over a movie be something worth my time or effort.

I won't apologize either. I spoke words I meant, her going to a movie with him alone would be a date, and it would be infidelity, even if not necessarily betrayal (though many would call it such). I stand by being in an open relationship if she intends on dating other men, even one other man, because in all seriousness, I prefer not to be the fool with his woman cheating on him right in front of him. I prefer to have the deniability that we are in an open relationship so it doesn't matter. That way she can go out with Andrew alone and I won't be jealous. She can go out with him and Keith with his girlfriend on a double date (which is still infidelity without an open relationship), and I can shrug it off.

Yeah, this post is probably pretty deep in the drama. Better this post deep in the drama then a third cut on my arm in as many weeks.

Whatever though... I'm going to see if I'm needed for the raid tonight before I go back to NCIS.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

The things that should pull us together

Seem to be ripping us apart.

I've missed something here.

She enjoys watching me play WoW, she enjoys playing Kaanyr for quests on her own. So she likes playing the game, and she likes watching the game. However when we play together, something snaps.

Not just in her, I can admit I've closed my eyes and took a deep breath so as not to say something when she does something silly, or out of place, but her... Its strange. She gets irate, aggravated, or at least seems to. She snaps at me for small things. For killing too quickly, for not grabbing every quest, for not summoning her to me the moment I land (instead running to the quest turn in then offering)....

For moving too fast as she clears out her bags because she has limited space until they approve her to a standard account. For missing quest items when I announce their presence...

Going to bed last night she was annoyed, or irritated with me. I likely wouldn't even have gotten a good night had I not said one first.

Small things that never bothered her before now seem to. The shower running in the morning, gaining heat, while I read my comics for five minutes, elicited her waking up and making a complaint.

Me commenting how a small box of cereal only lasted me two bowls elicited a complaint confession that she ate it because of her period and that she was hungry and now I had an excuse to blame her.

Admittedly, all I can think when she says that, is were situations reversed, and I ate something meant for some other purpose, I'd receive some form of lecture that it was meant for something else, and that I shouldn't have touched it, etc, before getting a brief run of stony silence before she let it drop in slight exasperation (from experience the time I accidentally went for seconds without realizing she intended the remaining amount in the pot to be for her later).

Am hoping this passes, because petty arguments for digital pixels seems muchly unnecessary on so many levels.

Ah well. Alarm wasn't set last night, so now I'm late for work. Should go in and hope I don't puke anywhere again. Been doing that a lot lately. Got an appointment with the doctor where I'll bring it up.

C'est la vie,

The Zodiak

Allergic Contradiction

It's almost amusing. Yet at the same time, sad in its own respect.

She doesn't speak to me, doesn't initiate conversation, stalks out with lunch, drops it on my desk, and walks away before I can even thank her for it.

I haven't spoken to her since last night, not for a desire to remain silent, but more because it seems she doesn't want to talk to me. It is ironic to read her journal that she places the silent treatment on me, where she's not spoken either.

I won't deny to not wanting to hold her last night, more because my left side couldn't lay against the bed without pain, and I didn't want her touching my left shoulder should she decide to curl up to me.

Such a petty argument over a game shouldn't elicit an emotional reaction to this degree, from either side. Though after reading her journal, apparently its not her choice to be silent, and she's wondering if she should end it, or if I'm looking to end it myself.

Emotional complications, I suppose. Yet that is what life is full of. Emotional complications.

I'm not talking to her, because she's not talking to me, and I took that to mean she was angry at me for the way I handled last night (which is to say rather aggressively to the negative fashion in the manner of the way the game could be played and then went to bed). When she said nothing this morning, said nothing when she dropped the bowl of pasta and followed up by tossing pepper on the desk without a word, I merely took it as confirmation that she wanted nothing to do with me right now.

Had she not made another entry, the fact that she's gone right now, would lend even further to the that fact. Instead she's out with Andrew because she feels I'm the one not wishing to speak.

Everything is complicated when it shouldn't be. Miscommunication, misconception, confusion, and perhaps poor ways to handle any of it.

Well, I know I have poor ways to handle things. I may be a well of experience, doesn't make me good at conflict resolution, no matter how small.

When angry, my control kicks in and deadens emotions. Which causes a dark depression to slide forward. As such I never lose my temper for long, and its usually there and gone in a cold withdrawal. Which in turn requires something to jar myself out of it. This usually comes in the form of some self destructive mutilation of my body.

Which is an irony, in truth. I claim to be a masochist, and then in the next breath say that I'm allergic to pain, that when I get it, I break out in screams.

I enjoy pain on many levels. Bruises, cuts (after and during), abrasions... The only pain I don't seem to enjoy, is the severe muscle aches I've had in my back and shoulder the past couple months. They're medicated now, and up until very recently, I had no manner to inflict anything else controllable to myself.

I'm not a cutter. In fact, thinking of such a thing brings to mind images of my biological brother, the scar on his forearm massive from years and years of cutting across it. Its grotesque in that appearance.

No... Merely those times when I get cold, depressed, when something needs to get a jump start that reality exists... Now I have something, a tool, to use. One soft, clean cut, the sweet bite as flesh parts, the crimson shine as the blood peaks behind the split skin.

Its also the kind of thing one is grateful to the darkness to hide, as it avoids further antagonizing an argument by not going out to view something. Though it does mean you don't want the fresh cut re-opening on the coarse sheet, or by a firm grip or stroke of a hand.

Unlike last time, at least its only a single action across, as opposed to several abrasions that don't heal properly.

Suppose when she comes back from her jaunt out with Andrew, I'll apologize for being an asshole, as I am only what I am, and we can move on from there. Or she can make her own decision.

Though I find it ironic that her entry speaks of ending the relationship if this is how it is supposed to be, and as I took my shower today, I thought to myself, "If I were to kill myself... No one would say they didn't see it coming. Impossible to do that when you have someone with you though."

Though I still believe I have enough control over myself to not make any such rash actions.

C'est La Vie,

The Zodiak

This has No Relevence to anything.

And yet I do.

It won't be my account, won't be my characters, won't be me that has to endure the annoyance of the professions. It'll be her. She'll be playing it, not me.

I think the reason I care, and get so worked up over the annoyance of it, because she asks for my opinion, asks me what I think, asks me to explain things to her, and give suggestions, which I do, based on my extensive knowledge of the game... And then she ignores it.

I tell her what does, and doesn't, work well for an opening character, for the first set of toons, what would be easiest, what works well for classes for professions depending on what may be wanted in the end, what doesn't work well for opening characters (enchanting never works well for a first character, its too expensive). After hearing all my advice, opinions, and smiling and nodding, she says she's still confused. So I told her to look up the professions if she wanted more of an explanation.

She did, and tells me that her first toon will be an enchanter..........................

.........

I shouldn't care. I should smile and nod and tell her to have fun. I mean hell, she's going to use Kaanyr for gold no matter what. She's going to finance her toons through mine either way, and it's not like Kaanyr can't finance two enchanters... And her alchemist, and inscriber, and my blacksmith, and enchanter, and and and and and and and and..... She is going to have a full roster of characters, and SOMEONE will have to be the piggy bank to carry them. Not only them, but the ones I end up levelling with them so she can get the triple xp bonus.

Which at low levels doesn't matter a whole lot. Until they need gear because enchanting is an expensive ass profession. Or when they reach level 60 and want their 600 gold mount for epic land speed. Or the 1000 gold at level 70... And then another 1000 gold at level 74 for cold weather flying.

It gets so expensive... Which for one, sometimes two, at once, isn't too bad.

When I know she intends on a mage, hunter, priest, coupled with my paladin, warlock, mage... That is six...

As much gold as Kaanyr makes, about 1000 in a week or so... That is 2600 gold each, not counting class training, equipment boosts, profession loans.

Kaanyr doesn't make that much gold in that time.

I shouldn't care, and should just let her do whatever she wants. But if she's going to do whatever she wants anyways, she shouldn't ask me what I think.

Whatever... Just wanted to get the bitch fest off my chest and out of my head. Am blasting my ears out with Hollywood Undead while I start the Farming quest to level Jewelcrafting.... Which has cost me 600g so far and I'm not even at 225/450.

This game is such a drain,

The Zodiak.

Good Enough to Eat

So amid my insomnia last night, were brief, 5-10 minute spurts of what may have resembled sleep.

I know their length due to obsessive clock watching when I couldn't sleep.

During one of these brief sleep periods, I had a dream.

This dream was about Sarah. She and I were in the kitchen, and I told her I just wanted to make her happy and see her smile. She replied that she was hungry. In response to this, I opened up my ribcage (which seemed to have grown a door), and handed her my still beating heart. She put it in the frying pan, which immediately began to sizzle and pop. After it was browned, still beating, pumping life blood into the pan, she stuck it with a fork, and noticed a burned spot. She threw it in the garbage saying it was no good now.

Take from that what you will, she laughed to hear it. I was perturbed by it. Who knows.

What I do know, is I'm not at work, and I should be. My doctor gave me a note to miss work today due to detox from tridural.

Apparently anything more then 48hrs on the stuff can cause minor detox when coming off of it. So he told me to take today, and deal with the nausea, dizziness, etc that is sure to come from it, and to return to work tomorrow.

On a somewhat brighter note... I have in my pocket a prescription for oxycotin. This will be filled today, or on the weekend. 100 pills. Just to see how they work.

Nothing else to report. This insomniac is going back to bed in hopes of another hour or so of sleep. Waking up at 8:30 after maybe falling asleep at 6am is not enough time to be asleep (especially when I woke up no less then five times in the interim).

Stay Safe,

The Zodiak.

Not A Good Sign

So the pain in my back and shoulder has finally met its answer through my doctor.

He gave me pain medication, something new that I've never heard of. Admittedly, I didn't get the chance to mention some of the more basic pain killers to him as suggestions, vicodin, percocet, endocet, oxycoden, oxycotin, etc.

These are called Tridural.

They don't work that well, the basic aches and pains are fading as I use it, however the splitting pain of my shoulder(s) still persists. Moreso, I've managed to pull off six of seven side effects.

Sudden sweats, dizziness from bright lights, nausea, vomiting, insomnia, consitipation. The only one I'm missing is the headaches. Which is surprising considering I've got everything else.

The sad thing is, at times, I'll get paranoia side effects. After reading the possibilities a drug has, my mind will simulate the side effects on its own. Which is just as bad when they are psychological as when they really happen. This time around however, I had no idea the stuff even HAD side effects.

Pain meds to me, have never had any immediate, negative side effects. Over time things like aspirin ruining your liver or the like, yes, but immediate, obvious? No. I ended up getting two hours of sleep from more then twelve hours in bed monday night, and when I did finally go to work, nausea and vomiting kicked in right with dizzy spells that had me staggering on my way to the bathroom to throw up. I didn't even know it had side effects until on my way home from work, after throwing up five times, I asked Sarah to look up the side effects... Lo and behold.

Last night was similar. 5-10 minutes sleep out of every 60 minutes for the entire night. I stared at the clock almost exactly 30 minutes out every 30 minutes. Whether I had slept in the interim or not, and I'll admit some of them I did, others I didn't.

I managed an appointment for tomorrow morning at 10am. I wake up normally at 10:30am for work. Now I need to get up at 9am in order to make the 10am appointment and then get to work.

I went to bed early, 9:30pm. Nausea plaguing me into bed. I hadn't eaten at the time, as the rice I tried to choke down earlier lasted three bites before I puked it, and some bile, back up.

I've slept, perhaps, 10 minutes since 9:30pm. My eyes burn, my stomach broils in unease, and I can't actually pass out.

I have little doubt I'll be up and feigning wakefulness tomorrow at 9:00am for my appointment at 10:00am, and be ready for work. I have a concern that medication isn't doing its job, yet is still, strangely, robbing me of my ability to work.

-------------------

New Patch in WoW. New Instanced content, not sure precisely how I feel about it, or what I think about Ulduar. I don't like the one wing we ran, though the rest (without the vehicles) seemed fun enough. I picked up duel spec, which also just seems strange to me.

I need to do some research into new builds, new set ups, in order to figure out what works best for me. Not much else to go over there.

------------------

I found my outline for Velrik's story. Seven chapters of work, some of which I know I'll edit and move around before actually starting the writing process again.

I think I may be able to do it, more so do it if I end up with this retched insomnia longer then it already is.

I know Sarah wants me to write, as much as I want her to write. She's been depressed lately, which makes me depressed that there is nothing I can do for her. I wish I could do more than offer comforts that seem empty when nothing can be done.

I should try and sleep again. I need to get some sleep between now and the morning, need to force my brain to rest at some point.

I'm concerned for my mental stability if I end up with a mere 2-4 hours of sleep nightly. Work tomorrow may be destructive to myself, with nothing I can do for it, save pray I can do it. I can't afford to miss more time, and infact am looking to extra hours some day next week.

Here's to hoping everything works out. I need better medication that won't leave me nauseated and dizzy. I need sleep, and I miss sex.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

A month...

Which probably puts us in the top ten for relationship lengths that I've had.

One more month would put it in the top five. From there its the difference between four, six, eight, and fourteen between now and the longest relationship I've had. Which was, amusingly enough, ten years ago.

Been watching a lot of tv lately, movies and the like mostly. Kind of pushing myself to watch things to get ideas, get inspiration for writing. Sarah thinks its a waste of time, or so I assume. I know she can't do it, she doesn't like tv that much, will watch it with me if it is something she can tolerate, or even enjoy, but can't sit through a lot.

She gets distracted easily at times is all, which is no big deal, and I hope that we can play WoW together in the near future. Its really the only thing standing between me playing more often, and me sitting in front of the tv for hours on end.

I log on to raid, she plays to farm runecloth, small quests, netherwing dailies, etc. Its more something to "do" than anything either of us enjoy, really.

She does it because she has as much inspiration as I to write, though she has far more ideas than I do. I wish she could write, I wish I could help her write. I'm out of my element in a modern setting for fiction, and further out of it because I've been perpetually tired the past month or more.

My doctor handed me some samples of some new pain medication, Tramadol Hydrochloride. I don't know if it will be effective, but will give it a day or two to see. I had him remind me that it is about pain management, not pain control. Take two daily, 12 hours apart, whether I'm in pain or not.

He also observed I may have loose ligaments, and recommends magnesium and calcium pills. I sigh at this, remembering the horse pills my father choked back daily, a regiment of medication that was almost in itself a meal equivalent to that which he ate with it.

In time, perhaps I will do this, in the mean time, I will move on as I have to this point. I can't afford another day off between now and the start of the month, my next appointment is in two weeks, sadly. As I sit here with 16 pills, at two a day, which manages out to 8 days.

I'll have near a week of either 1) Detoxing off of pain medication that I don't recognize. 2) Dealing with the pain and aching my back and joints have been raining upon me. Or 3) A beautiful combination of both 1 and 2.

I WANT TO WRITE!!!! Why the hell is it so god damned hard to put words on a page when the ideas are right fucking there???? Its driving me insane more and more lately.

I found out today that my supervisor may or may not have a job. Apparently had a bad supervisor call on friday or thursday or something. This leads me to a point where my position within the company is rather... Fickle.

If he gets fired, depending on who/if someone takes his place for my new Team Leader, I may be forced to abandon my position as a retention agent and go back to tech support/repair. Which if that happens, I will be applying for Home Agent, and speaking to my doctor to provide a sufficient back up in medical forms for me to say that I would work better at home then on site.

Not much else to report. I miss holding Sarah, face to face, looking in her eyes. Sadly it is unavoidable if she can't tolerate my breath.

Life moves on, and we'll see what happens as the days pass. Work tomorrow, and I should get some rest.

Rest Well,

The Zodiak

Halitosis

Apparently I have garlic breath. Not something that normally bothers me, take a tic tac, mask it, and be done. Sadly, no tic tacs available, and though I do have minted gum, not sure how much that will help.

Brushing hasn't nor has mouthwash. Its one of those things most people tend to ignore, but of course, there are oddities to anyone, really. It drives Sarah crazy (in a bad way), so I'm stuck in this point where I can't kiss her, hold her, or face her face to face due to my breath.

It'll pass. I imagine a large part of it is the fact that my idea of hydrating yesterday was one swallow of H2O. Nothing to flush the bacteria out of my mouth/system.

I feel more and more the want to write. I'm just one piece of inspiration away. I know its there, somewhere. Just begging to be set on fire. It has to be, because if it isn't, I'm going to explode with these ideas and they'll wither and die in a fire of indifference.

I often get tunes caught in my head, and attach words to them. Its something I've done for years, it is very rare that they ever get copied down, recorded, written out, etc... After all, they are random. Usually in the shower, or before bed. Time when a computer has no relevance.

The past couple months, I've kept my mp3 player, which has a recorder, next to the bed. The intention of recording down thoughts, ideas, maybe even voicing a story fragment so I could write it down, as often before sleep takes me, that is what comes to mind.

I haven't had any such luck with that as of late. What I have had, however, was something to use, when I'm alone in bed, and those tunes come in randomly, something to record them.

Only one has survived my itchy deleting finger. Its a soft, sad, haunting melody, that makes me close my eyes as I listen to it. Its hard to describe in full, and the words escape my mind even as the tune enters.... I'm unsure if its something I would ever wish to share, though being one who will never hide something, I will not deny her if she asks me to hear it.

Ah well.... Drinking water, and off to do some dailies in WoW before figuring out what else to do today, hopefully with her, if my breath is not too foul.

Cheers,

The Zodiak


PS

See? This is what happens when I write every day, I end up writing frivolous stuff.

Don't have a Heart Attack

Yes, another entry.

One a day for three days straight. I'm trying to decide if I want to make this the norm. It would stop shit from building up and exploding in verbal...er... text diarhea.

At the same time, we all know I don't have the commitment to something enough to actually make this a daily thing. In the mean time, why not take it while its there and run with it while it exists?

I've been in a blah'ish mood lately. Made worse by back pain, and minor headache, being perpetually tired, and have ideas on what to write and how, yet having no inspiration to get it off the ground (likely attributed to being too tired to write).

I've been staying off of WoW a fair bit, hopping on to do Dailies, or Raids, the odd run when asked. Mostly because I've been trying to spend more time with Sarah, which sadly comes down to two things... 1) I'm not picky about what I do, and don't have a preference to anything specific because I'm always willing to do near anything, and 2) She's essentially the same way.

The problem is, we have different ideas for default. For me its shows/movies and WoW, for her, its talking about writing or possible exercise.

Sadly, with my mental exhaustion as of late, talking about writing garners as much attention as to say, "Yes, that sounds great. You should do that." and as much as I'm sincere in it, my mind draws a horrible blank when she follows up with, "Why is it great? What do you think will happen next?"

Sure, I'm great at human nature, and am superb at predicting what will happen... But as of late, I can barely read myself, let alone read into a story that already takes a number of turns and twists. Its a great story, I'd even read it were it published (a feat for me considering my aversion to first person stories).

I can't help but wonder if the lack of anything is in essence linked to the back pain. Its been hampering my work, affecting my social life, stopping me from doing things I want to do. I have a doctor's appointment on monday, and I can only hope it will be productive enough to warrant another appointment later in the week in order to fill out medical forms to actually show that yes, I have an issue, and yes, I'm working on it.

I still haven't done the math for this pay check, but I do know I can make it stretch enough to actually give Sarah enough money to buy proper groceries for the next few weeks.

I want to write, but I can't. This bothers me. Velrik's story has been pounding in my head, even as Gaze's story sits dead in the water aside from an opening scene of him being chased by hounds. Yes, this part should be on my other journal, but fuck you, its my journal and I'll blog if I want to.

There's not much more to say pertaining to things going on right now. Feeling as I do as of late, it's just one of those times.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Isn't it Ironic, Dontcha think?

So I just woke up. A strange thing for me... I went to take a shower before going to the store for something to put on pasta for food. Next thing I know, its more then two hours later and I'm still not really rested.

I've been getting flashes of how I can open Velrik's story. Though I still don't have a lot to go on for motivation, which is, sadly, a situation that is all too much me.

I think it ironic, and vaguely amusing, that I misinterpret so much of what I read in Sarah's journal. That I have the horrible affinity to take the statements made, and allow my mind to twist them into something more negative, something more devious almost.

Now in truth, this may not be as ironic, had it not been said on various occasions, that I understand her so well.

I won't deny that. I do understand her, always have. My interpretations, my own miscommunications in the reading of her works, is entirely faulted to a twisted sense of self-inflicted doom.

Does that even make sense? Probably not.

I got a call from my father today. Something I expected weeks ago. We spoke for about twenty minutes, talked of the past, of the present, of this and that. Discussed his pain and issues (he's just now off the medication), and about my own recent back pain and the severity of it that it has caused me to miss time at work.

When I walk up behind Sarah, I do my best not to read over her shoulder, not to easedrop on her conversations with other people. Its as much a respect thing, as simply not wanting to intrude or be nosey or seem paranoid.

Sadly, my eyes do, at times, wander. She doesn't seem to mind, but as I had said, I try not to, as it can be seen as prying where I'm not necessarily welcome. Not everyone is like me, with nothing to hide, and not really worried what gets out.

I couldn't help but have wandering eyes, to glance over lightly her conversation with Andrew tonight, that she didn't want to give him false hope, and didn't want him to wait for something that may never happen. Its not the first time she's had such a conversation with him, I'm sure. I have even heard her speak of such conversations before.

I can't really say, knowing Sarah, that it bugs me. However I can't deny that a small part of me thinks, every time I see, or hear of, her telling him, "I don't want to give you false hope that there may be an 'Us'." That not saying, "There is no us, and I'm with someone now. You shouldn't wait because I am happy where I am, and love the person I am with." Is giving false hope. Is saying something may happen when you tell them it may or may not.

This of course is my own personal view, from someone who has seen friends led on by similar words, hanging on the edge of their seat and hoping that the "may" will someday come for them.

I can't say it bugs me, or irritates me, but I can say that it does perplex me at times if I let myself dwell.

Ah well, going to the store now for food stuffs.

Peace,

The Zodiak.

Feeling of... Defeat?

Its hard to describe... No, that's a lie. It hurts in a numbing fashion. However its a feeling I need to get over if I intend to have this relationship work out.

I didn't lift the ban on her seeing Andrew because I was "over it"... I did it, because when a woman tells you she thinks of him when with you, and sometimes wishes she were with him instead, it ends up being pointless to put a shackle on it.

If you want someone to think of one thing, and only one thing, you don't put in the forbidden fruit. It just draws the mind, the attention, until eventually, it clashes and explodes in the worst manners.

I lifted the ban purely because if I didn't, she'd never be with me wholly. She'd be with him. She told me she wasn't going to, just to show me that she was trustworthy, that she wouldn't betray me in our relationship, and that it meant something to her. I don't disbelieve that.

I also guess she decided that she proved her trustworthiness beyond doubt, because she's out with him right now.

Just walking, just out hanging out with a friend. I don't dislike the guy, he seemed cool enough, and I hung out with him in grade school. Its not him I dislike, its the situation, his position, his... company in the presence of the woman I love.

In a separate scenario, I would get along with him, I'm sure. Or at least tolerate him, as I do many of my acquaintances, like Chris/Blue.

In an effort to take my mind off of them being out, I utilized wii fit. When that ceased to be a challenge for my limited physical stamina, I forced Wii Sports to one up it.

One might ask, how do you turn Wii Sports into Wii Fit? Well... Boxing is the starter. It gives you a great upper body work out if done properly, yet you just stand or sit there, you don't do anything for the rest of your body. Luckily for me, Sarah has a stepping block.

Turns out if you do the wii sports boxing, and the moment your opponent goes down, use the stepping block in rapid steps (right up, left up, right down, left down, repeat), you work up a sweat.

No, this is not very strong for a work out alone, unless you, you know, go from 0 to 1000+ rating in one round. Higher rounds will have your opponent going up and down two - three times a match, every time is 5-10 second bursts of stair climbing *block climbing?*

Anyways, worked up a sweat, set the goal for myself, and made it, took a shower, and find myself contemplating if this is something I can dedicate myself to. My procrastination however makes it difficult.

My back has been bothering me a lot lately too. Shoulders and lower back region, aching and shooting pains. Need to see the doctor about it on monday, get some pain killers, some notes, and get some stuff filled out for the issues, see if it excuses my recent absences from work.

WoW has been offering some entertainment as of late. Raids with a top guild has roped me some impressive upgrades, and put me in a position of being a decent, even desireable, tank.

Which in turn does lead me to something else. When left with no options, given no suggestions, or ideas, I default to two things to occupy my time. Watch TV (whatever series I may have going at the moment), or WoW/Video Games.

These are not necessarily the entertainment I crave, but with no other options opened to me, they tend to be the options I fall into, a kind of default "normal" setting. Sarah has yet to figure out, if she ever wants my attention, ever wants to do something with me, ever wants to even just sit back and talk, all she need do is ask.

Default options are there for a reason, because they are meant to be flicked to another setting, another option. All it takes is a, "Chris, lets play Brawl. Lets play Wii Fit. Lets go for a Walk. Show me more Kendo." so on so forth, and I'm more than willing to put down what I am doing to change tasks.

Change...

People change, adapt, compromise.

Two things come to my mind when I think of this. Both technically relevant to the current situation, to different degrees.

The first is small... As I showered the sweat from my body, I found myself thinking, "If Sarah told me there was a friend of mine that she didn't want me around, that she loathed, that she didn't want me to be around... I would respect it and likely cut that person from my life for the duration of our relationship however long that may be." Now of course, the immediate chaser to this thought was, "However, in presenting this argument, the obvious counter is that it is the difference, she would never ask me to do something like that." So am I than a bad person for thinking it of Andrew? Probably.

However I've always stood by the fact that I believe I am a bad person but a good man.

Anyways, as I said, technically relevant, but doesn't matter in the end, as its not applicable, since I let up on her being around her former lover.

The other thought I had was of animals... Pets... and people... The things which are similar. Praise promotes good behaviour.

When the animal uses its litter box, yes, its expected, its supposed to, however if it was pissing on your living room carpet beforehand, you tend to congratulate the pet, tell it it did a good job for doing what was expected of it, and for going against its former nature and improving itself. This praise then promotes the beast to use the litter box more in the future.

When a child presents a report card of straight Bs, you congratulate them for their excellence. Yes, they could have done better, it could be As. However, they could also have done much worse. The praise promotes them to do more, continue to achieve for perhaps better praise, more reward.

It is the human condition to want to be loved. When a man gives up drinking, or smoking, or drugs, or gambling... You congratulate him. Wish him well on his achievement. When he resists the urge to go back on his goal, when he says "no" to that drink, when he says "no" to the offered cigarette, when he doesn't spend his paycheck at the casino or on the drug dealer, you tell him good job, well done, keep up the great work.

It is what is done. When you ignore it, or act snide, or with no caring... "You didn't take a drink? I don't drink and never have, what the fuck do you want? A medal? Its one drink." It depresses the person, it pushes back, "If no one cares, why should I try?"

People don't just change for themselves. They change for those around them as well, because of the human condition to be loved, to be praised, for the positive reinforcement to their goals.

I bring this up, because I've been changing. Pushing down vices of extravagant spending and needless action. I do this for myself, because its a bad habit to be in, but I do it for Sarah, because she doesn't approve of the frivilous spending, and it makes things in the household tight financially. Something I'm used to, but something she shouldn't have to be.

I give myself a small pat on the back when I resist the urge to order pizza, when I don't buy that headset that my computer could use for ventrilo for WoW, when I eat here at home instead of buying a $4 bag of chips at the store.

These are things that are -expected- of me to change, to cease the frivolous spending. Seems that Sarah, despite wanting the change, doesn't care though. It makes her more disappointed that I needed to exert the control and not buy something, then proud that I didn't.

I won't deny that bugs me a little. However it is a change I have to make in my life anyways, and despite the lack of praise (or more closer to a newspaper smacked on the nose of the animal who did something right), I will continue to exert the control and not spend frivolously that which I do not necessarily have.

This entry is getting long. Longer then I originally intended, but I suppose that happens when a lot is on my mind.

So I leave you with this, my readers....

Dovienya Sa Tovya Sagain... Time to roll the dice. Take a chance on something, and hope the cards come up aces.

Fare thee well,

The Zodiak

The Obligatory Update

Not sure why I'm writing. Nothing is going wrong right now, at least, nothing severe, or major. New quarter at work, means same shift as last quarter thanks to their way of being idiots and figuring we always want to work the same shift every day every month, all year. As though our lives never change.

Commission got messed up at work. So am shorted that money on my current pay... Makes making rent interesting.

Sarah and I are fine. Things are going well. Bumps here and there as with any relationship. Admittedly, hearing that your girlfriend thinks of another guy sometimes during sex can be rather disconcerting.... even if she says its not sexual.

I've been trying to write, thinking about it a lot to no avail. I think about it, but it never comes out. Which is a rather annoying trait that I've been stuck with.... Sarah has been writing again though, even if she says its poorly, I'm proud of her for it. It means some of the creativity and inspiration is coming to fruition.

I won't deny I at times dread reading some of the stuff she's written, not because its bad, in fact from what I've read, she's talented, quite so... However because I'm coming into it so late, so long after she first started writing would mean reading an excess of material, or being lost in a torrent of storyline and back story that I've missed out on. I can't stand reading for long periods on my computer, drives me nuts and hurts my eyes.

I may get her to send me her new story... Its a new world, new characters, and sounds interesting. Those things alone intrigue me to the point of wanting to read what she has. Its a prologue, 3000 words, and if I keep up on it, give her my opinion, etc, maybe it will help her more, or maybe it won't matter, but at least I can read it from the beginning instead of feeling lost on why Joe is doing what she's doing, or why Demetrius is the way he is, or why or why or why.

I essentially gave up on her ban on seeing Andrew. Not for forgiveness or acceptance, but more because it stopped mattering. If she lays with me, and sometimes wishes she were with him, it doesn't seem to matter a whole hell of a lot what I restrict or request. She said that she still wouldn't see him despite that.

Which makes me feel better, at the very least... I suppose that makes me petty, and selfish on some levels. Which I can say I don't mind, I'm strangely selfless much of the time for a borderline sociopath with no little to no regard for morals or people. That being said, I'm also strangely loyal.

Ah well...

WoW is once more finally interesting to me again.... Kind of at least. I've left my Horde Guild, the Shadow Walkers, the people that Shaun got me in with... They are nice people and all, but stuck up, conceited, and won't do a damned thing for/with you unless there's something in it for them.
So in leaving them, I've fluked upon the second best raiding guild on my server for the horde side. I'm not only impressed, but surprised that I managed to get into such an amazing guild. I've got first choice sub position for 25 man raids, as well as in invite to not one, but two 10 man naxx runs... Well, one ten man, one 8 man for achievements. I'm trying to get Shaun into one or the other, so that he doesn't end up stuck at a brick wall that way I was before joining them.

Aside from these few things, not a lot going on, not much to discuss, not a lot happening. The world turns, work sucks as it always does, and not a lot I can do about any of it except hold onto my job and suck it up when they throw repair calls at me.

Peace out,

The Zodiak