Action reaction

So Sarah and I had an argument. The worst we've had since she told me she'd not see Andrew again (which lasted what? A month? Maybe.)

The premise of the argument was a movie coming out this weekend which I want to see, and I don't go to the movies alone, I wanted to see it with her. She responded that Andrew already invited her and she told him no, so she wasn't going to go with me either. This immediately set off a dark churning in my gut... She's not going to go see a movie with her ex-lover, and because she told him no, she's telling me no as well? Seems to scream ulterior motives, and I even commented, that I'm not a friend, I'm her boyfriend, her telling him no to a one on one date to a movie is something I'd expect, her telling me no to a one on one date to a movie, is... Well, the argument came from this, and me telling her that if she had of told Andrew yes, I'd be irritated because it is a date.

She's always replying to my journal entries in her's. Suppose this is a strange change of pace that I'm doing it in my own this time.

"Apparently, thinking about going to the movies with one other person means you’re going to fuck them. This is an amazing “fact” that I didn’t know before, so I’ll tell you how it all went."

No, when you have a history with someone, when someone "loves" you and you lust for them, when you can't be happy unless you see them... That implies a desire to want to do more then simply hang out.

"A few minutes later, he comments that he would have been aggravated if I went with Andrew, because that would be a “date”. Going with one friend to a movie is apparently automatically a date? He said it was because I had slept with him, and that going to a movie was essentially cheating. I felt fucking trusted, right... I said I’d add that to the list of things I hated about him and stormed off to the bedroom."

I have had this discussion with too many people, about dating, what constitutes a date and what is simply hanging out. When you were with someone, when you sleep with them, when you've been with them before, going out to dinner, a movie, spending a quiet night alone together? That's a date. That has always been the definition of a date.

I never said cheated, I never said it was essentially cheating. I said it was a date and I'd not be comfortable with it in the slightest, and I'd not be. It was a comment made in passing, with little seriousness on the whole as she told me that she wasn't going to the movie with him anyways.

"He came in and said “Why are you even with me if you hate me so much?” which was a blatantly ignorant statement, considering that I said there were things I hate about him. Yes, plural. Mostly his jealousy and lack of trust. If he can’t trust me, why is he with me? I’m in an emotional cage, and the confines are pushing me away. In reply, I directly said “I don’t hate you. There are things about you that I hate.” He said it must have been a big list, since it was plural. Yes, more than one thing. After that, he left the room, and on his way out said “Fuck him. As of now, we’re in an open relationship.”"

Was this an over reaction on my part in this given situation? Yeah, it probably was. In my own opinion, so was, "I'll just add this to the list of things I hate about you." and storming off to another room when I told her I'd not appreciate her going on a date with another guy whom she knows I don't even like her seeing.

I'm not perfect, far from it. However to have her tell me there are multiple things she -hates- about me... Not merely "tolerates" or "finds annoying" or even "dislikes"... No, things she hates about me... Something like that really bothers me. There are some things about her that I over look and tolerate, there is nothing about her I hate. If I hated something about her, I'd not be with her.

"So this is how a discussion about going to the movies with a friend, (which was only relevant because I said I wasn’t going,) turned into “fuck him”. I have no idea how that occurred; in my mind, it doesn’t make the least bit of sense. I took off the necklace he gave me and left it on the chest near the bed, and came out to see him playing with nail clippers. I don’t even want to know."

An over reaction, but considering the admission she's made to feeling that she loves him, and the fact that she at times thinks about him when she's with me... Yeah, my paranoia and jealousy often says sex would be involved again since it was involved once already in a "spur of the moment when we shocklingly had condoms on hand and available for safe sex when we weren't thinking things through" manner once already.

I know Andrew wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of the situation if it arose, if she were upset with me and went to him for comfort, to complain. I know, because it's happened once already, "spur of the moment" like.

In one argument, she takes off the gift I gave her, an heirloom that was my mother's. A silver necklace with is rather elegant. An insult really when you think about it, that she would toss away a gift given in love for the one month anniversary, after one argument. Perhaps were we breaking up, it would be more reasonable to do such a thing.

I had the nail clippers out because I chucked the tv remote in a lapse of control, and it shattered and I was putting it back together. It's still missing a button on it, one I don't use (as I don't know what button it was/is, I assume I don't use it).

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So yes. I said we are in an open relationship. Why? Because my mind functions differently in an open relationship. I don't care what she does with anyone when it's open, as long as she is honest about it, you can't cheat in an open relationship. My theory on it is, simply, she thinks about him when laying with me, she lusts after him and breaks down randomly because she can't have him and only tells me when pushed on it, and due to her monogamous loyalty, she says she'd never do that anyways.

I don't think she's a whore, no matter what she believes. I think she's a lot more open to such activities then she acts. She was with one man for most of her life, and within a three month (less) period, got drunk and slept with one man, got buzzed and was intimate with another (this previously said made out with, the change is because she never even kissed him, merely got a little "intimate" whatever that means for her), and slept with another in a prepared spur of the moment situation. Two of these encounters at the very least, were done while she was still with Coleman. I honestly don't know if Andrew was before or after the weekend she "officially" broke up with Coleman. I assume it was after however, since she and I were in a relationship a week and a half or so after this.

Am I pissed off about it over all? Yes.

Will I let it drop? Yes. Because in all honesty, my back hurts, I'm in pain far too often, I'm worried too much about finances and work, to let an argument over a movie be something worth my time or effort.

I won't apologize either. I spoke words I meant, her going to a movie with him alone would be a date, and it would be infidelity, even if not necessarily betrayal (though many would call it such). I stand by being in an open relationship if she intends on dating other men, even one other man, because in all seriousness, I prefer not to be the fool with his woman cheating on him right in front of him. I prefer to have the deniability that we are in an open relationship so it doesn't matter. That way she can go out with Andrew alone and I won't be jealous. She can go out with him and Keith with his girlfriend on a double date (which is still infidelity without an open relationship), and I can shrug it off.

Yeah, this post is probably pretty deep in the drama. Better this post deep in the drama then a third cut on my arm in as many weeks.

Whatever though... I'm going to see if I'm needed for the raid tonight before I go back to NCIS.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.