Allergic Contradiction

It's almost amusing. Yet at the same time, sad in its own respect.

She doesn't speak to me, doesn't initiate conversation, stalks out with lunch, drops it on my desk, and walks away before I can even thank her for it.

I haven't spoken to her since last night, not for a desire to remain silent, but more because it seems she doesn't want to talk to me. It is ironic to read her journal that she places the silent treatment on me, where she's not spoken either.

I won't deny to not wanting to hold her last night, more because my left side couldn't lay against the bed without pain, and I didn't want her touching my left shoulder should she decide to curl up to me.

Such a petty argument over a game shouldn't elicit an emotional reaction to this degree, from either side. Though after reading her journal, apparently its not her choice to be silent, and she's wondering if she should end it, or if I'm looking to end it myself.

Emotional complications, I suppose. Yet that is what life is full of. Emotional complications.

I'm not talking to her, because she's not talking to me, and I took that to mean she was angry at me for the way I handled last night (which is to say rather aggressively to the negative fashion in the manner of the way the game could be played and then went to bed). When she said nothing this morning, said nothing when she dropped the bowl of pasta and followed up by tossing pepper on the desk without a word, I merely took it as confirmation that she wanted nothing to do with me right now.

Had she not made another entry, the fact that she's gone right now, would lend even further to the that fact. Instead she's out with Andrew because she feels I'm the one not wishing to speak.

Everything is complicated when it shouldn't be. Miscommunication, misconception, confusion, and perhaps poor ways to handle any of it.

Well, I know I have poor ways to handle things. I may be a well of experience, doesn't make me good at conflict resolution, no matter how small.

When angry, my control kicks in and deadens emotions. Which causes a dark depression to slide forward. As such I never lose my temper for long, and its usually there and gone in a cold withdrawal. Which in turn requires something to jar myself out of it. This usually comes in the form of some self destructive mutilation of my body.

Which is an irony, in truth. I claim to be a masochist, and then in the next breath say that I'm allergic to pain, that when I get it, I break out in screams.

I enjoy pain on many levels. Bruises, cuts (after and during), abrasions... The only pain I don't seem to enjoy, is the severe muscle aches I've had in my back and shoulder the past couple months. They're medicated now, and up until very recently, I had no manner to inflict anything else controllable to myself.

I'm not a cutter. In fact, thinking of such a thing brings to mind images of my biological brother, the scar on his forearm massive from years and years of cutting across it. Its grotesque in that appearance.

No... Merely those times when I get cold, depressed, when something needs to get a jump start that reality exists... Now I have something, a tool, to use. One soft, clean cut, the sweet bite as flesh parts, the crimson shine as the blood peaks behind the split skin.

Its also the kind of thing one is grateful to the darkness to hide, as it avoids further antagonizing an argument by not going out to view something. Though it does mean you don't want the fresh cut re-opening on the coarse sheet, or by a firm grip or stroke of a hand.

Unlike last time, at least its only a single action across, as opposed to several abrasions that don't heal properly.

Suppose when she comes back from her jaunt out with Andrew, I'll apologize for being an asshole, as I am only what I am, and we can move on from there. Or she can make her own decision.

Though I find it ironic that her entry speaks of ending the relationship if this is how it is supposed to be, and as I took my shower today, I thought to myself, "If I were to kill myself... No one would say they didn't see it coming. Impossible to do that when you have someone with you though."

Though I still believe I have enough control over myself to not make any such rash actions.

C'est La Vie,

The Zodiak