Feeling of... Defeat?

Its hard to describe... No, that's a lie. It hurts in a numbing fashion. However its a feeling I need to get over if I intend to have this relationship work out.

I didn't lift the ban on her seeing Andrew because I was "over it"... I did it, because when a woman tells you she thinks of him when with you, and sometimes wishes she were with him instead, it ends up being pointless to put a shackle on it.

If you want someone to think of one thing, and only one thing, you don't put in the forbidden fruit. It just draws the mind, the attention, until eventually, it clashes and explodes in the worst manners.

I lifted the ban purely because if I didn't, she'd never be with me wholly. She'd be with him. She told me she wasn't going to, just to show me that she was trustworthy, that she wouldn't betray me in our relationship, and that it meant something to her. I don't disbelieve that.

I also guess she decided that she proved her trustworthiness beyond doubt, because she's out with him right now.

Just walking, just out hanging out with a friend. I don't dislike the guy, he seemed cool enough, and I hung out with him in grade school. Its not him I dislike, its the situation, his position, his... company in the presence of the woman I love.

In a separate scenario, I would get along with him, I'm sure. Or at least tolerate him, as I do many of my acquaintances, like Chris/Blue.

In an effort to take my mind off of them being out, I utilized wii fit. When that ceased to be a challenge for my limited physical stamina, I forced Wii Sports to one up it.

One might ask, how do you turn Wii Sports into Wii Fit? Well... Boxing is the starter. It gives you a great upper body work out if done properly, yet you just stand or sit there, you don't do anything for the rest of your body. Luckily for me, Sarah has a stepping block.

Turns out if you do the wii sports boxing, and the moment your opponent goes down, use the stepping block in rapid steps (right up, left up, right down, left down, repeat), you work up a sweat.

No, this is not very strong for a work out alone, unless you, you know, go from 0 to 1000+ rating in one round. Higher rounds will have your opponent going up and down two - three times a match, every time is 5-10 second bursts of stair climbing *block climbing?*

Anyways, worked up a sweat, set the goal for myself, and made it, took a shower, and find myself contemplating if this is something I can dedicate myself to. My procrastination however makes it difficult.

My back has been bothering me a lot lately too. Shoulders and lower back region, aching and shooting pains. Need to see the doctor about it on monday, get some pain killers, some notes, and get some stuff filled out for the issues, see if it excuses my recent absences from work.

WoW has been offering some entertainment as of late. Raids with a top guild has roped me some impressive upgrades, and put me in a position of being a decent, even desireable, tank.

Which in turn does lead me to something else. When left with no options, given no suggestions, or ideas, I default to two things to occupy my time. Watch TV (whatever series I may have going at the moment), or WoW/Video Games.

These are not necessarily the entertainment I crave, but with no other options opened to me, they tend to be the options I fall into, a kind of default "normal" setting. Sarah has yet to figure out, if she ever wants my attention, ever wants to do something with me, ever wants to even just sit back and talk, all she need do is ask.

Default options are there for a reason, because they are meant to be flicked to another setting, another option. All it takes is a, "Chris, lets play Brawl. Lets play Wii Fit. Lets go for a Walk. Show me more Kendo." so on so forth, and I'm more than willing to put down what I am doing to change tasks.

Change...

People change, adapt, compromise.

Two things come to my mind when I think of this. Both technically relevant to the current situation, to different degrees.

The first is small... As I showered the sweat from my body, I found myself thinking, "If Sarah told me there was a friend of mine that she didn't want me around, that she loathed, that she didn't want me to be around... I would respect it and likely cut that person from my life for the duration of our relationship however long that may be." Now of course, the immediate chaser to this thought was, "However, in presenting this argument, the obvious counter is that it is the difference, she would never ask me to do something like that." So am I than a bad person for thinking it of Andrew? Probably.

However I've always stood by the fact that I believe I am a bad person but a good man.

Anyways, as I said, technically relevant, but doesn't matter in the end, as its not applicable, since I let up on her being around her former lover.

The other thought I had was of animals... Pets... and people... The things which are similar. Praise promotes good behaviour.

When the animal uses its litter box, yes, its expected, its supposed to, however if it was pissing on your living room carpet beforehand, you tend to congratulate the pet, tell it it did a good job for doing what was expected of it, and for going against its former nature and improving itself. This praise then promotes the beast to use the litter box more in the future.

When a child presents a report card of straight Bs, you congratulate them for their excellence. Yes, they could have done better, it could be As. However, they could also have done much worse. The praise promotes them to do more, continue to achieve for perhaps better praise, more reward.

It is the human condition to want to be loved. When a man gives up drinking, or smoking, or drugs, or gambling... You congratulate him. Wish him well on his achievement. When he resists the urge to go back on his goal, when he says "no" to that drink, when he says "no" to the offered cigarette, when he doesn't spend his paycheck at the casino or on the drug dealer, you tell him good job, well done, keep up the great work.

It is what is done. When you ignore it, or act snide, or with no caring... "You didn't take a drink? I don't drink and never have, what the fuck do you want? A medal? Its one drink." It depresses the person, it pushes back, "If no one cares, why should I try?"

People don't just change for themselves. They change for those around them as well, because of the human condition to be loved, to be praised, for the positive reinforcement to their goals.

I bring this up, because I've been changing. Pushing down vices of extravagant spending and needless action. I do this for myself, because its a bad habit to be in, but I do it for Sarah, because she doesn't approve of the frivilous spending, and it makes things in the household tight financially. Something I'm used to, but something she shouldn't have to be.

I give myself a small pat on the back when I resist the urge to order pizza, when I don't buy that headset that my computer could use for ventrilo for WoW, when I eat here at home instead of buying a $4 bag of chips at the store.

These are things that are -expected- of me to change, to cease the frivolous spending. Seems that Sarah, despite wanting the change, doesn't care though. It makes her more disappointed that I needed to exert the control and not buy something, then proud that I didn't.

I won't deny that bugs me a little. However it is a change I have to make in my life anyways, and despite the lack of praise (or more closer to a newspaper smacked on the nose of the animal who did something right), I will continue to exert the control and not spend frivolously that which I do not necessarily have.

This entry is getting long. Longer then I originally intended, but I suppose that happens when a lot is on my mind.

So I leave you with this, my readers....

Dovienya Sa Tovya Sagain... Time to roll the dice. Take a chance on something, and hope the cards come up aces.

Fare thee well,

The Zodiak