Blind

So, I can't help but notice, half way through the year, I have more entries written now, than I've written in a full year in 2008 and 2007. Just a side note before the storm.

I've been blind, apparently more so than I thought I could ever be. I pride myself on reading people, on knowing how they'll act before they actually do. I've been this way for a very long time. In this time, I've noticed how people respond to situations, when they are hiding something, and can usually ascertain what.

My entire relationship with Sarah, I've been paranoid, suspicious, suspecting that she was hiding something, every sad smile, every forlorn look, every night she didn't want to be near me, let alone sexual.

I always passed this off as paranoia. That I was simply seeing shadows where there were none. I never pried, never snooped around looking for my answers. I never eavesdropped on her conversations, and I never intruded more than casually.

Until today.

Journal entries made only on her computer. Shamed that she was lying to me, that she had full intent to leave me and was only using me. Confirming my every suspicion, my every voiced protest that she was with me only until Andrew got his act together.

I wasn't blind, I was side tracked by actually feeling something other than numbness. I was an idiot, a fool, and naive.

Suppose it's better I found all of this out now, before I let her stay her longer, let her use me further. She's out right now, running errands, being with him. I can't say she's out there fucking him, or being intimate with him, I know she's not mocking me. She's too caring for that, feeling too obligated, and likely consumed by guilt to feel that.

That puts this at the edge of my understanding, the end of my kindness, support, my blindness to her actions and deeds. She'll not sleep her again, not tonight, not ever. She'll stay elsewhere, and I'll be sure of that.

Her things, her possessions.... I'm not sure yet, but I can't help but think that I'll merely give her the weekend to remove them from my premise before I put them on the curb with garbage day.

I have no patience any longer for my own gullibility. I made a monumental mistake in my own selfless act to help her....

There'll be another entry later, once I dig it up from the files on my computer to post it. An entry written months ago, that was never to be posted until this happened... Will see if I can find it.

Done,

The Zodiak.