Sliver of Hope, Monumental Despair

So Sarah just now realizes that I am insane. A pile of contradictions, unpredictability, and polarities.

I can't realize if this is because it simply wasn't -that- evident before, or if she simply didn't see it until now. I can only assume I adapted enough, hid enough, kept enough of the rest of me beneath the surface, that it wasn't that evident. Sarah is hardly an unobservant person (even if she doesn't see me watching her sleep for a few hours... She's sleeping after all).

I noted her looking at places on her computer... Going from site to site on kajiji, viewing places her and Kristen (a male), and Andrew, and Mathue could move into together.

It sent a jagged lance through my stomach. Contradicting what I had said just a day before, that I didn't want her to leave until necessary, this pain spurred me on to tell her to find a place as soon as possible and to get out. To just leave me to my misery and begone.

Which ended up sending her into a spiral, as per my usual spurned self, I hardly put the words gently... She accused me of not understanding her pain, as I had accused her of not understanding mine. She told me I was pathetic, nothing but contradictions, that she was doing her best not to show the hurt, her pain, in all of this.

She apparently does better than I, since I've been unable to even feign proper functionality. Staying in bed all hours of the day, not able to even sleep until near to, if not well past, noon... However, the argument burst forth on many fronts, with how both of us were hurting for her decision that we'd not be together...

I'll not deny my own instability. My own threats of death and self-destruction which I feel are merely imminent. I won't deny my open honesty about those feelings, thoughts, desires. Which in turn prompted her, two nights ago (saturday night), to run out, screaming that I could enjoy my life for as long as I lived after she killed herself from jumping from the anne street bridge.

I told her friend and ex-lover Andrew of her intention and to meet her there... He didn't respond, and I was unsure if he had left, or what was going on, and I did something I'd never actually done before... I called 911.

So four cruisers, two bridges, one park, and one at my place later... She comes home, with Andrew... The officer at my place asked her if she were ok, if she didn't want to stay with me, asked if she preferred to stay elsewhere for the evening.

She reassured him that she was fine where she was, and that all was well with the world. She was just out to clear her head and get some air due to the argument we had had previous... Which she didn't divulge to the officer, thankfully, as the argument consisted of who would be to blame if I did kill myself, and myself assuring her it would not be her, as I'd had these thoughts long before she came into my life.

So back to last night... Our argument put her in a manic state, where she decided to use my wall as a rebound block for her head. Given that it is an outside wall with brick on the other side, it's not the brightest thing to do... She dented my wall and gave herself a severe headache. By the time she stopped crying, with myself opening up some of my contradictory nature to her... We talked.

Did it get anywhere? I don't think it did. I can't even remember if we actually came to a conclusion as of whether I wanted her out sooner, or not at all (aka later).

I know I read her some of my poetry from old.... One which in essence only has a moral of, "I don't know what I want, who I am, or where I'm going, and all I can do is give you my life." Though her response was sarcastic to simply state, "well I don't want your blood." in reference to one of the lines of the poem. I'm sure she got the meaning anyways though.

What I do remember of the discussion, is her saying there may be a chance, that in time, in the next month or so, maybe we can work this out, and try again. I don't place much on the odds of a chance. One in a million.... 7 2 under against pocket Aces with the flop being A2K and both hands played face up.

Who stays in with one pair for the turn and river, against triples with one low pair? Only thing to save it would be two more deuces on the turn and river, because the rest hands the pot to the pocket pair.

The odds are monumental, to say the least. I've seen it happen in poker, twice.... Just as I've seen a royal flush on a real table, dealt out almost perfect (9, 10, J, Q, K) and a player riding the Ace.

They are odds I don't like gambling on, odds I doubt will ever come to fruition, and odds that I will, nevertheless, shoot for, try for, and see what happens, if it happens. No sense folding when you won't be able to make blind next hand anyways. May as well push all in, because a 0.000001% chance is better than a 0% chance.

As I've heard said before, it's better to have part of something, than all of nothing. Though I think that one more bites me in the ass, since if I can't have her as a lover -and- a friend, I don't want to endure the pain of her as a friend alone. Contradictions abound.

My back is bothering me today, which means I'm going to neglect going to the Lab for my X-ray, since I must walk... But will instead stay up until she wakes up, and sleep in my own bed.

All I can say, in simple truth, is that I do love her, more than anything, or anyone, else in my life. That my deluded psyche tells me to fall into oblivion at the end of having her in my life, is little I can control. She says if I truly loved her, I'd want to be her friend after all is said and done... I'd rather amputate a limb, for the pain would be less, than to endure the agony in my chest in such a situation... In fact, if such could be a fair trade, I'm sure I could live without my left hand, or perhaps a foot or leg, if it meant never feeling the pain of loss again.

One day at a time, gods on high. Watch over me, as you always have, and please, guide this situation to a proper, and preferably desired, resolution.