Ask about my conscience and I'll offer you my soul

Ask if I'll grow to be a wise man, and I'll ask if I'll grow old....

As the days have slowly turned into weeks, I am reminded, rather forcefully, of why I left the online world so long ago... Hardly bad things, merely, complicated things. I can lose myself online, in the people, the world, the roleplay, the relationships.

It's hardly a healthy perspective, and when younger, I didn't really have the control, the knowledge, or the experience to know where to draw the line, where to allow idle fantasy and reality part and stay that way. Even with that knowledge now, I find myself watching that line, knowing where it is, and in my atypical fashion, dancing across it like a tightrope walker performing for a crowd.

I merely hope I don't slip.

Of course, this is something that may need some further explanation, as I've not been in roleplay since the inception of this journal, nor for a few years even before that... So allow me to elaborate briefly. As a young man, or boy, depending on the point of view really, I had a horrible habit of not only being a Player, but being a hopeless romantic. This not only was in my real life (as I had my share of games there as well), but in my online life as well, to pass the time.

I became... Attached... Rather easily to people online. Women for the most part, but men as well whom I saw as family, close friends. The issues with this, the issue with this, is always the distance between the two parties, the sheer mountains that must be crossed in order to even make something minor take place such as a meeting. Admittedly, I've had my share and then some of those as well.

Those around me in the roleplay world now, at this particular time... Well, none of them are local, and one of them is even married (not that her husband minds). However, it is merely that line, which I look at, and though I flirt with it, dance across it, I know I won't be the one to cross it. If something happens, as always, I will roll with the punches, let it happen as it happens, and see where the world takes me next.

This of course is in a perspective on several fronts, not merely one, or even two. At the same time, I have begun to save money for school. An interesting prospect in all honesty, as I hated school when I actually attended it legitimately, and now I'm going to look to not only go back, but go back so I can be in school permanently as a teacher.

Things are of course starting to work out. I'm attending work on time, staying for my full shift, and that means that I'll finally be getting full paychecks, which will make savings and debt easier to manage.

Speaking of debt.... The loan Sarah took out from her friend some time ago, is apparently falling on me to pay back. I was contacted and told that I pay it back, or he'll take me to court. Suppose it'll be a fun day at court to meet a man I've never met, never spoken to, never asked for money, never made arrangements with, and never knew existed until he emailed me asking for the money she borrowed. Alas, amusement really... My lawyer says it will never make it to court, as does a couple friends whom have experience in the law. So I won't concern myself.

Not much else to report at the moment. My previous post to this one is still a bit of a bafflement to me, how it was written was clearly not my normal style or verse, though I received several compliments on it privately, and I thank you for those... I'm still thinking about writing a book in that kind of perspective, BJ, thanks for the idea.

So, yeah....

Peace out until later.

Chris.

Cry Havoc, and let loose the dogs of war

Cry “havoc!” and let loose the dogs of war,
That this foul deed shall smell above the earth
With carrion men, groaning for burial.

A line I've been thinking of a fair bit lately, as I find myself in Gor once more, with a name of madness and creation once more attached to an avatar of creativity within a world of Dominance and Death.

I stare at the screen, and feel sides of me flowing, twitching, awakening, which had been slumbering for so long, I felt they never would rise again. What keeps me there, is as I always suspected it would be, a person, touching, caressing, teasing the ego and molding the muse to put forth an effort to divinity.

One cannot comfort the raging beast within me, and even keeping it leashed and chained is a challenge of control and willpower. This of course leaves nothing to dark sins of the past and likely darker of the future.

What it does leave, is passing up moments of fate, pure random happenstance in such an utter perfection as to leave the mind bereft of doubt that higher powers exist. Had I done one thing different that day, merely a shift, one thing done normally that I avoided that one day... I'd never have seen fates plan. Despite that, I still denied their wisdom and slipped into obscurity.

Faces of the past whisper to me, caressing my ear with seductions of the future. I hear them, as I watch them fold into my present with more than whispers. I see them as they are, as they were, and as I am sure they will be. The timing is too convenient, too perfect. How could the timing of everything not have it's own plan within it?

I watch my msn list grow, diving as these voices merge into my world that is now coming to pass. I can't say for sure where it will lead, however wherever it does lead to, old friends and new acquaintances, new names and a breath of life into a dying ember.

My creativity is blooming. My darkness is finding providence within the world of roleplay. It has been years since I have touched upon it, and within such a short period, as my feet rest on solid ground, I found my muse, that which keeps me tethered to the world that flows in my blood. I cannot speak for the more private musings of my mind, my novels that sit near forgotten, however they may yet get attention as I move forward.

I have choices to make. Decisions coming into my life that were not there a year ago, or infact, not even a month ago. Going back to school to become a Teacher. Not something I would see, but molding minds has always been a passion, to teach one to see the right of the world, how they can learn in many ways. Those who hear of this intention think it an ideal thing for me, though caution my darkness may lead to problems within it.

I still seek out a new manner to handle other things, each step and moment in life is a careful motion, testing the ground before putting weight upon the surface... I don't know how it will end up until my full weight is on it.

So I say this.... Cryptic as I have been.... I am pleased with where I am... And hope to be a little more in my... Normal... Mindset at another time to write something a little more literal.

Farewell,

Chris.

Subtle Hint.... Can You See It?

So patch came out on WoW. Definitely fun. Having a flying mount in the early 60s makes leveling so much easier. At the same time, the new instance content is awesome. I've even discovered how broken my guild really is, as we did a two hour full clear of a 10 man instance that takes my normal party almost four hours if lucky.

Enjoyable content over all. I'm doing better with work, getting up at the right times. Admittedly, had two issues in the week that were not entirely my fault, however, that being such as it is... I've been working out a few details with it. Working a decent amount of my hours as opposed to hitting GHE. Though I'm not sure if that is me truly working my scheduled hours, or the call volume keeping me chained to the headset.

A running gag at work ended up pissing off the object of the joke. Someone that people compare me to. Personally, I don't see it. He and I are both know-it-all egotistical men with superiority complexes... But I'm not as uptight as he is, I am far more joking about things, and I know I have the superiority complex, I don't think he realizes his flaw.

Natasha is apparently falling head over heels for me. I take this with a grain of salt, mind you... She is young, and as such things are to be.... Expected. I do like her, and our conversations are often interesting, and many times merely result in light flirting and the like.

Speaking of flirting, Darcy and I are getting along famously, as per the normal expected I suppose. We flirt, tease, joke around. We talk about personal things, dreams, intentions, plans... And over all just chat. It's nice to be able to just relax with someone without concern about judgments, or saying the wrong thing.

I made an interesting slip at the store tonight.... I lent Jes my bank card today so that she could get the money I owed her as well as grab me lunch (kind of her), and forgot to put the card back in my wallet. When I went to the store to grab a couple things, I was at the cash, reached for the card in my wallet, and realized it was absent. They know me well enough that they held my stuff behind the counter while I went home to get the card. When I came back and rung up, he asked me how I managed to forget the card that is a permanent fixture in my wallet... My response was, "I gave it to me slave today to run some errands, and forgot to put it back in my wallet when she returned it to me."... The amusing thing, is I said this without thinking.

I can't seem to stop flirting with Jes, despite the fact we both know nothing will happen. She's working on getting "Over me" and I really like her as a friend. I prefer not to ruin that with my track record of "perfect" relationships.... After all, I'm broken.

Speaking of broken... Had to talk out my ass on thursday. Got dragged into "one of those" meetings with the Business Manager and HR for Home Agents. A display for concern for my truancy in lates as well as the two absences I had due to illness.

I somehow, no idea how even now, spun it through charisma, situation, and circumstance, to turn it from, "I'm missing work due to insomnia and too tired to get up." To them offering me sympathy for my situation, letting me know it is ok, and offering me free psychiatric care through a work program which offers councilling to employees free of charge, and a "get out of jail free" card that worked rather beautifully for me over all... I am, however, really questioning how long I can keep up pulling these horse shoes out of my ass... There has to be an end to them eventually, right?

Over all, things are going rather well, with the exception of people missing obvious hints, and blunt statements, to take a long walk off a short cliff and keep me out of their conversations, minds, and discussions... However they will either catch on, or they won't. I'm done caring as of now... Such is life.

On a final note... Pandora is the best radio station in existence. Glad I found it and found a way to use it. Have found so many bands and songs that I like so much since I found it.

Well, cheers till later.

Chris.

PS

Oh yeah... DOOM AND GLOOM AND DEPRESSION!!! Sorry, almost forgot I was supposed to be all dark and moody tonight. CHEERS!.... err... I mean.... SUICIDE AND DARKNESS!