Ask about my conscience and I'll offer you my soul

Ask if I'll grow to be a wise man, and I'll ask if I'll grow old....

As the days have slowly turned into weeks, I am reminded, rather forcefully, of why I left the online world so long ago... Hardly bad things, merely, complicated things. I can lose myself online, in the people, the world, the roleplay, the relationships.

It's hardly a healthy perspective, and when younger, I didn't really have the control, the knowledge, or the experience to know where to draw the line, where to allow idle fantasy and reality part and stay that way. Even with that knowledge now, I find myself watching that line, knowing where it is, and in my atypical fashion, dancing across it like a tightrope walker performing for a crowd.

I merely hope I don't slip.

Of course, this is something that may need some further explanation, as I've not been in roleplay since the inception of this journal, nor for a few years even before that... So allow me to elaborate briefly. As a young man, or boy, depending on the point of view really, I had a horrible habit of not only being a Player, but being a hopeless romantic. This not only was in my real life (as I had my share of games there as well), but in my online life as well, to pass the time.

I became... Attached... Rather easily to people online. Women for the most part, but men as well whom I saw as family, close friends. The issues with this, the issue with this, is always the distance between the two parties, the sheer mountains that must be crossed in order to even make something minor take place such as a meeting. Admittedly, I've had my share and then some of those as well.

Those around me in the roleplay world now, at this particular time... Well, none of them are local, and one of them is even married (not that her husband minds). However, it is merely that line, which I look at, and though I flirt with it, dance across it, I know I won't be the one to cross it. If something happens, as always, I will roll with the punches, let it happen as it happens, and see where the world takes me next.

This of course is in a perspective on several fronts, not merely one, or even two. At the same time, I have begun to save money for school. An interesting prospect in all honesty, as I hated school when I actually attended it legitimately, and now I'm going to look to not only go back, but go back so I can be in school permanently as a teacher.

Things are of course starting to work out. I'm attending work on time, staying for my full shift, and that means that I'll finally be getting full paychecks, which will make savings and debt easier to manage.

Speaking of debt.... The loan Sarah took out from her friend some time ago, is apparently falling on me to pay back. I was contacted and told that I pay it back, or he'll take me to court. Suppose it'll be a fun day at court to meet a man I've never met, never spoken to, never asked for money, never made arrangements with, and never knew existed until he emailed me asking for the money she borrowed. Alas, amusement really... My lawyer says it will never make it to court, as does a couple friends whom have experience in the law. So I won't concern myself.

Not much else to report at the moment. My previous post to this one is still a bit of a bafflement to me, how it was written was clearly not my normal style or verse, though I received several compliments on it privately, and I thank you for those... I'm still thinking about writing a book in that kind of perspective, BJ, thanks for the idea.

So, yeah....

Peace out until later.

Chris.