I had intention of writing a story here... A short story of darkness and malice granted a light. Yet even as I began to write it, the same block which always plagues me came on and refused the words their freedom.
Of course, this is something I've come to expect... And so, I look at the relationship I have with my slave in gor. She is a kind woman, truly gentle, sensitive... Excessively so. She is truly a good person... I find myself asking... How have I not scared her off yet?
Two things came into my mind when I thought of this... One was Sesshomaru and Rin... This is my geek peeking out. Sesshomaru is a demon in Inuyasha, and InuYasha's half brother... He is a cruel, and evil being that will slaughter human or demon alike without thought for consequence or life. Yet when InuYasha nearly kills him, a young girl, Rin, tries to help him, offering food, and medicine.... He rebukes her, every time... Though she appears to him once, battered by her village for theft... And he shows an inkling of kindness in asking where she got the marks... She smiles at his concern. He scoffs, telling her he was merely curious. When the girl is murdered... killed by demon led wolves... Sesshomaru uses the power of his sword of life to bring her back from death and restore her to the world. She is innocent, kind, and pure... Yet she follows him loyally and faithfully despite this, despite the obvious cruelty of him.
The other thing that came to mind, was much more... poetic... A sensitive heart, in a cruel hand.
It seems ironic... I know I am not a nice person. I'm a Torturer in gor for a reason. I have so few limits, where nothing will actually stay my hand.... I have points where life means nothing to me, my own or anyone else's life for that matter. The only thing that keeps me in control, is my own willpower, my self control, and a person. Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter the person, as long as I can latch onto them, and hold tight. It is not a fear to be alone... Indeed, I've done fine alone for much of my life. However I prefer that balance, that crutch, that a relationship can offer... A true one can offer a support that is unrivaled and something I strive for eventually.
So that being said.... In Other News...
I received an eviction notice. Sadly, with the medical leave, and other "issues"... Work and bills traded places. This became a nuisance for me, however has apparently become a problem for my landlords. I received my eviction notice on monday. This notice, of course, offers me two weeks to pay for september's rent, another week or two to pay for october, and I must pay november's rent on or before the first of november, or face the streets. Well, perhaps not so dire. I have friends after all.
On top of this, I had laryngitis on monday. This of course, was supported with documentation... However, My boss has been monitoring my attendance, documented, non, and otherwise. System issues are threatening to have me fired. On Wednesday I was taken into a meeting with HR and the Boss. They've given me multiple chances, they've offered me opportunity to correct things, my connection is my issue, not theirs.... so on down the line.
They hand me a coach, saying they are going to investigate for termination. They will get back to me no later than the 28th. That would be monday. Now two things occurred to me at this moment.... Being handed an eviction notice two days earlier, and being told, mid-paycheck, that I am being investigated for termination... One: I may very well need a new job very soon. And Two: If I'm fired before I have enough hours under my last paycheck, I'll need more than a new job, I'll need a new place to live.
Somehow, some way... I survived the week. I now have enough hours to pay rent for september before the due date. If I keep my job, I'll be safe and secure. If I am terminated on monday, I will have less than a week to find an equivalent paying job in order to fill in to pay october and november. or all I've done is buy myself some time.
Things are not as stressful as they were wednesday, however I am not off the hook either. One thing leads to another, and I will work through each day as it comes to me... This of course, to some, may seem "karma" or my just desserts. To others it may seem unfortunate and undeserving.
However it looks to you, I'm not complaining, I'm putting it out there, setting it up as a truth, and writing about it simply because it is on my mind, and gasp and shock, this is my journal. Anyways...
There's not a lot more going on... I finally have my sleeping pills, got them tuesday night. They kind of work... Which is to say, one pill does little (I tried that first night, and when I finally passed out, I woke up three hours later and had to take another)... So I take two pills, and they put me out after thirty minutes or so for a solid 7-8 hours. I wake up, if not refreshed, at least awake.
I'll leave it at that.... The line of, "a kind heart in a cruel hand" stirs my mind for creativity, perhaps poetry... May come back to that in the future. However we all know how I am with that.
Good night...
Chris.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Tired Mind
I've been sleeping like shit, working even worse, and barely managing to pull myself out from beneath the covers in order to drag my ass the ten feet to the couch to work. Which is bad, of course, because that is gonna put me at jeopardy.
Of course, I'm determining, slowly, that work + watching tv, is going to be a big no no. I need to stop doing it, as it is causing me to avoid calls, stay in aftercall, use extensive hold to avoid the customer so I can watch two or three minutes more of a show before taking another call.
That being said, about time to start working at my desk again. Admittedly, a lot easier to do that now that I've seen all of Stargate (yes, ALL of it. Both movies, both series, all 15 combined seasons), and as such have little more to watch in that regard that is a must for a work day.
Fringe requires too much attention to do while working, and as cool as Merlin is, not really the kind of show that I am hooked on so much that I need to watch all the time. Sadly, am going to be getting True Blood season 2 soon, which means that will consume me a lil bit too.
I can't help but look at things in my life, and realizing I'm losing enthusiasm, desire, drive, again. This is not merely in a personal social life side of things, it is in a lot of things, working, acting, going out to get food, roleplay, WoW, reading, writing, etc... It all seems to be numbed, dropped down and dumbed down. I can't help but think it may be caused by me halving my dose of paxil in order to make it stretch out to when I can afford the next refill (having to pay for pills instead of the filler fee, puts a cramp in my wallet... fucking medical plan bullshit copaying whore cunt gnawing assholes), which who knows... I can't really bump myself back to the double dose again, not until this friday.
Which of course, at that time, I'll have to pull an excuse out of my ass to pay my landlords in october for both october and september's rent, because this pay check is brutal.... Very brutal. Admittedly, there are reasons behind this that are legitimate and easily spun to advantage... But I'm not always proud of using that skill from my repertoire.
One thing at a time. The rant about names the other night hasn't been the only thing in my mind as of late, and not the first time I've pulled myself out of bed at some strangely obscene time to pace, or walk, or do whatever... Because my mind is plagued, running a mile a minute, working over things that shouldn't be.... My sleep averages perhaps (PERHAPS) 6 hours a night, broken up..... Which doesn't work out too well.
I find myself reviewing relationships, chances, things going on... I look at Maggie, someone I've known for more than ten years, and who I care deeply for... Who is eight hours away from me, and in another country, and I find myself thinking.... I'm not a child anymore. I shouldn't be hung up on long distance happenstance... At the same time, the same thought occurs... I'm NOT a child anymore... I have my own revenue source, my own place, my own money... I'm single, on my own, and when I apply myself, I make more money than I need to get by. How hard is it to make something so easy a reality?
Truth is, with her willing to go the distance... It is very easy. For the first time in a very long time, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow, instead of reminiscing about yesterday. Despite everything going through my mind, the insomnia, the dying enthusiasm, despite all of it... I look at tomorrow, and think to myself.... There's something there.
I know, I know.... Doom and gloom, darkness and suicide, etc etc... I should be more negative, more cold and woe is me. The truth is, as dark as things can be, as much as I know my mind, the images I see, the night terrors that come and go, the thoughts, visions, and evil I possess (and yes, I've done some very bad things that earn that title)... I'm still a realist... Not all of it need be pessimistic. I just don't always like optimistic views.
Jessica... koumisu... My slave in gor.... Has become a friend. A place I'd not expect to find one, honestly. She's been there for me, as a friend, a listening ear, encouragement... And merely talking to her, on the phone, on msn, I find myself relaxing. It is a great therapeutic response... Not sure if it is natural for her, of if she knows she does it, however, when she is not stressed, or worried, or being a stubborn brat... She is something special. She wants a nickname that is unique to her... Something that I don't use for other people... The truth is, I can't think of anything to call her, beast, pet, piccola, distraction.... I can't really think of something unique and fitting for her that I call no one else... But I can think of one thing I do call her, to myself, that I use with very very few others... And that is friend.
Bobbi has been in my life as well.... Not a lot to say about her that hasn't been said, repeated, and rewritten a dozen times in this journal.... She's the only person that has ever dove into the darkness of my mind, and not only come out to tell about it, but always comes back for more. Once she learns to look after herself, I'm sure she'll end up diving in again.... She knows I care for her, and will never stop that....
Darcy as well.... My first love, and the only one I can smile about, and say, with no lie, or embellishment, that I still love her, and very likely always will. She's a relief on the world, someone I can flirt with and relax with... Not always roses and perfection, mind... I comfort her as often as she comforts me, and sometimes we do nothing but bitch about work.... heh... Not that relaxing... But still there.
I'd mention everyone, each person separately, but the honest truth is, despite how bad I am for the "woe is me" bullshit, there are too many people, online and off, that are involved in my life, to offer a paragraph for each of them.... Shaun is the most prominent as of late as someone who deserves a paragraph of how awesome he is, but if I tried to fit that in a paragraph, the world would implode in upon itself in a shattering of reality to destroy me for trying to fit the insurmountable cool that is Shaun Moon. That being said.... Jesica, Rebecca, Lloyd, Andy, Alex, Jennifer, among others.... All friends that I am glad to have in my life, high or low, even if I'm an apathetic prick that may not always show it.
Alright, getting a little too sappy, I blame being tired and the like... Very tired.
So yeah... I think that summarizes a bunch of stuff that may or may not make sense to anyone...
Peace,
Chris.
Of course, I'm determining, slowly, that work + watching tv, is going to be a big no no. I need to stop doing it, as it is causing me to avoid calls, stay in aftercall, use extensive hold to avoid the customer so I can watch two or three minutes more of a show before taking another call.
That being said, about time to start working at my desk again. Admittedly, a lot easier to do that now that I've seen all of Stargate (yes, ALL of it. Both movies, both series, all 15 combined seasons), and as such have little more to watch in that regard that is a must for a work day.
Fringe requires too much attention to do while working, and as cool as Merlin is, not really the kind of show that I am hooked on so much that I need to watch all the time. Sadly, am going to be getting True Blood season 2 soon, which means that will consume me a lil bit too.
I can't help but look at things in my life, and realizing I'm losing enthusiasm, desire, drive, again. This is not merely in a personal social life side of things, it is in a lot of things, working, acting, going out to get food, roleplay, WoW, reading, writing, etc... It all seems to be numbed, dropped down and dumbed down. I can't help but think it may be caused by me halving my dose of paxil in order to make it stretch out to when I can afford the next refill (having to pay for pills instead of the filler fee, puts a cramp in my wallet... fucking medical plan bullshit copaying whore cunt gnawing assholes), which who knows... I can't really bump myself back to the double dose again, not until this friday.
Which of course, at that time, I'll have to pull an excuse out of my ass to pay my landlords in october for both october and september's rent, because this pay check is brutal.... Very brutal. Admittedly, there are reasons behind this that are legitimate and easily spun to advantage... But I'm not always proud of using that skill from my repertoire.
One thing at a time. The rant about names the other night hasn't been the only thing in my mind as of late, and not the first time I've pulled myself out of bed at some strangely obscene time to pace, or walk, or do whatever... Because my mind is plagued, running a mile a minute, working over things that shouldn't be.... My sleep averages perhaps (PERHAPS) 6 hours a night, broken up..... Which doesn't work out too well.
I find myself reviewing relationships, chances, things going on... I look at Maggie, someone I've known for more than ten years, and who I care deeply for... Who is eight hours away from me, and in another country, and I find myself thinking.... I'm not a child anymore. I shouldn't be hung up on long distance happenstance... At the same time, the same thought occurs... I'm NOT a child anymore... I have my own revenue source, my own place, my own money... I'm single, on my own, and when I apply myself, I make more money than I need to get by. How hard is it to make something so easy a reality?
Truth is, with her willing to go the distance... It is very easy. For the first time in a very long time, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow, instead of reminiscing about yesterday. Despite everything going through my mind, the insomnia, the dying enthusiasm, despite all of it... I look at tomorrow, and think to myself.... There's something there.
I know, I know.... Doom and gloom, darkness and suicide, etc etc... I should be more negative, more cold and woe is me. The truth is, as dark as things can be, as much as I know my mind, the images I see, the night terrors that come and go, the thoughts, visions, and evil I possess (and yes, I've done some very bad things that earn that title)... I'm still a realist... Not all of it need be pessimistic. I just don't always like optimistic views.
Jessica... koumisu... My slave in gor.... Has become a friend. A place I'd not expect to find one, honestly. She's been there for me, as a friend, a listening ear, encouragement... And merely talking to her, on the phone, on msn, I find myself relaxing. It is a great therapeutic response... Not sure if it is natural for her, of if she knows she does it, however, when she is not stressed, or worried, or being a stubborn brat... She is something special. She wants a nickname that is unique to her... Something that I don't use for other people... The truth is, I can't think of anything to call her, beast, pet, piccola, distraction.... I can't really think of something unique and fitting for her that I call no one else... But I can think of one thing I do call her, to myself, that I use with very very few others... And that is friend.
Bobbi has been in my life as well.... Not a lot to say about her that hasn't been said, repeated, and rewritten a dozen times in this journal.... She's the only person that has ever dove into the darkness of my mind, and not only come out to tell about it, but always comes back for more. Once she learns to look after herself, I'm sure she'll end up diving in again.... She knows I care for her, and will never stop that....
Darcy as well.... My first love, and the only one I can smile about, and say, with no lie, or embellishment, that I still love her, and very likely always will. She's a relief on the world, someone I can flirt with and relax with... Not always roses and perfection, mind... I comfort her as often as she comforts me, and sometimes we do nothing but bitch about work.... heh... Not that relaxing... But still there.
I'd mention everyone, each person separately, but the honest truth is, despite how bad I am for the "woe is me" bullshit, there are too many people, online and off, that are involved in my life, to offer a paragraph for each of them.... Shaun is the most prominent as of late as someone who deserves a paragraph of how awesome he is, but if I tried to fit that in a paragraph, the world would implode in upon itself in a shattering of reality to destroy me for trying to fit the insurmountable cool that is Shaun Moon. That being said.... Jesica, Rebecca, Lloyd, Andy, Alex, Jennifer, among others.... All friends that I am glad to have in my life, high or low, even if I'm an apathetic prick that may not always show it.
Alright, getting a little too sappy, I blame being tired and the like... Very tired.
So yeah... I think that summarizes a bunch of stuff that may or may not make sense to anyone...
Peace,
Chris.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Our Future (A Vent)
I was in bed, asleep. Or nearly asleep. Maybe asleep? No matter. I was in bed and now I'm not. Why am I not? Because I was plagued with the thoughts of our future. The future.
The children, to be precise. I know I have little say in it, I'm an evil son of a bitch that can't have kids, will never have kids, and the fact I want to become a teacher to mold the minds of children frightens even me. However, with that in mind, I look at my generation, the generation where Goth died, becoming emo kids and Punk.
That of course in mind, I look at people my age. People who HAVE children, or have recently had children. Dawn had a daughter, she was, is, of my generation. Her daughter's name was Mikayla. A little odd, but passable. I look at others in my generation, my ex, my little sister Erin (more accurately, her friends), and I think to myself, "The world's future is already fucked."
How many people out there share this mindset? How many people are going to be worse than Madonna (and how much worse can you get than "Blueberry" for a kid's name?) who are going to name their children things that belong in a fantasy novel.... Daemon, Demonica, Beelzebub. How the fuck are children with names like this going to survive?
Sure, it SOUNDS cool... Great, your kid has an awesome name for movies, or for a halloween entertainer. Maybe even for a musician. But for reality? They can't work in customer service, they'd never be taken seriously in any major profession... "And who is representing the defense?" I am your Honor, Beelzebub Daemon Abyssal Hellfire Johnson.... Oh yeah, believable defense attorney there.
Or, "Hello, thank you for calling this major organization, my name is Daemon Child, how can I help you?" Your name is WHAT?? Did your parents hate you that much? Were you born over a fucking virgin sacrifice or something?
Yeah, sure, it looks GREAT to roleplay online, have a character named Malacoda, demon of pain and despair, or DaemonChylde, or a dozen other different things that ring with creativity and thousand word posts of descriptive vomit that makes you see each step and action as it appears.
But who wants, "Angel of Darkness" or, "Logain Kinslayer" on their birth certificate? Making decisions like this for a child at birth is one of the most immature things a parent could do, and the worst part is, is parents are DOING IT....
I'm an asshole, I should never have children, should never breed, not merely due to my medical condition that is hereditary, but also due to my mental instabilities, as plentiful as they are. However, if I ever DID, by some fluke of nature, adopt a child, impregnate a woman, or some other strange and bizarre twist of my demon spawn clinging like frogs eggs to the inside of my mate's uterus to burst forth like demonic harpies upon maturation.... They would be born with names at least passable in society... Unique, and creative, but realistic... Gregori, Logan, Natasha... So on down the line... Names that can mean more, or the like... I won't name a child Velrik, or Pheonex (as much as I like both of those names), it's just asking for the kid to fail at life.
This line of thought, this topic of conversation in my mind, came about from a facebook post by my little sister Erin... I know she was joking, but as much as I read into that joke, I couldn't help but notice the comment of someone saying, "why not? It's my kids name." And found myself thinking, "Nice parenting. Kid is out of the womb and you've already doomed them to welfare. Grats."
So yeah, this is just a vent of my mind, nothing to take personally, just my opinion. Why? Because for some unknown reason, it bugged me. There it is, enjoy. I'm going back to bed now.
Peace,
Chris.
The children, to be precise. I know I have little say in it, I'm an evil son of a bitch that can't have kids, will never have kids, and the fact I want to become a teacher to mold the minds of children frightens even me. However, with that in mind, I look at my generation, the generation where Goth died, becoming emo kids and Punk.
That of course in mind, I look at people my age. People who HAVE children, or have recently had children. Dawn had a daughter, she was, is, of my generation. Her daughter's name was Mikayla. A little odd, but passable. I look at others in my generation, my ex, my little sister Erin (more accurately, her friends), and I think to myself, "The world's future is already fucked."
How many people out there share this mindset? How many people are going to be worse than Madonna (and how much worse can you get than "Blueberry" for a kid's name?) who are going to name their children things that belong in a fantasy novel.... Daemon, Demonica, Beelzebub. How the fuck are children with names like this going to survive?
Sure, it SOUNDS cool... Great, your kid has an awesome name for movies, or for a halloween entertainer. Maybe even for a musician. But for reality? They can't work in customer service, they'd never be taken seriously in any major profession... "And who is representing the defense?" I am your Honor, Beelzebub Daemon Abyssal Hellfire Johnson.... Oh yeah, believable defense attorney there.
Or, "Hello, thank you for calling this major organization, my name is Daemon Child, how can I help you?" Your name is WHAT?? Did your parents hate you that much? Were you born over a fucking virgin sacrifice or something?
Yeah, sure, it looks GREAT to roleplay online, have a character named Malacoda, demon of pain and despair, or DaemonChylde, or a dozen other different things that ring with creativity and thousand word posts of descriptive vomit that makes you see each step and action as it appears.
But who wants, "Angel of Darkness" or, "Logain Kinslayer" on their birth certificate? Making decisions like this for a child at birth is one of the most immature things a parent could do, and the worst part is, is parents are DOING IT....
I'm an asshole, I should never have children, should never breed, not merely due to my medical condition that is hereditary, but also due to my mental instabilities, as plentiful as they are. However, if I ever DID, by some fluke of nature, adopt a child, impregnate a woman, or some other strange and bizarre twist of my demon spawn clinging like frogs eggs to the inside of my mate's uterus to burst forth like demonic harpies upon maturation.... They would be born with names at least passable in society... Unique, and creative, but realistic... Gregori, Logan, Natasha... So on down the line... Names that can mean more, or the like... I won't name a child Velrik, or Pheonex (as much as I like both of those names), it's just asking for the kid to fail at life.
This line of thought, this topic of conversation in my mind, came about from a facebook post by my little sister Erin... I know she was joking, but as much as I read into that joke, I couldn't help but notice the comment of someone saying, "why not? It's my kids name." And found myself thinking, "Nice parenting. Kid is out of the womb and you've already doomed them to welfare. Grats."
So yeah, this is just a vent of my mind, nothing to take personally, just my opinion. Why? Because for some unknown reason, it bugged me. There it is, enjoy. I'm going back to bed now.
Peace,
Chris.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
It's so easy when you're evil
Voltaire really has me pegged with that song. Can't help but smile as I listen to it.
The bright side, is that his folk song style is actually very soothing, even when he sings about defiling the bodies of his ex-lover's lover.... Go figure, eh?
My mind has been very.... sporadic... As of late. My dreams plagued with strange, and even more bizarre scenarios... However, that being said, I've still been suffering from insomnia... Tomorrow I'll be paying my tab off at the Korner, and making a trip to the drug store to fill my prescription for a medication that should help me sleep.
This of course may or may not actually be of any help to me. I told Darcy I would fight one, just to see what the high is like. Which means I'll likely pop one saturday night, just to see what happens when I try... Of course, if I wake up passed out in the living room, I'll know they work.
The more drugs I find piling up on my desk, the more I realize that my "young years" is over... Oxycodone can't be taken with alcohol, paxil can't be taken with alcohol, how much ya wanna bet this sleeping shit will be just as big of a "no no" to chug back booze with it?
This of course gives me concern only because of the bachelor party in october for Shaun. I do not want to be the only sober guy there, which of course means I'm gonna be pushing my limits. Thankfully, I know where my limits are, and know exactly how to deal with alcohol.
I need to get in touch with my doctor yet again though to find out what his progress is on finding me a female shrink that I can vent to. Of course the over all delusion of that particular arrangement doesn't really change either...
I haven't been in WoW at all in over a week.... Despite the fact my druid is finally in northrend and should be leveling towards 80 with abandon... Especially with a FOUR day weekend ahead of me. Four days, no work, no responsibilities... Nothing of interest planned... And chances are all I'll do is roleplay or chat on msn instead of taking advantage of the 96 hour gaming session I could reap. Can't remember the last time I did that.... Well, yes I can, was my Paladin from 60-70.
There really isn't a lot to report over all. I'm addicted to D&D tiny adventures on facebook, and mafia wars as well, I've been playing both with a regularity that almost frightens me considering their minor application value... I've decided I want to play Assassin's Creed before the second comes out, and have eyes Bioware's Dragon Age: Origins game as a possible conquest for the PS3, assuming it can keep my interest.
Not much else happening... May make another entry by the end of the weekend if I feel.... Inspired.
Peace.
Chris.
The bright side, is that his folk song style is actually very soothing, even when he sings about defiling the bodies of his ex-lover's lover.... Go figure, eh?
My mind has been very.... sporadic... As of late. My dreams plagued with strange, and even more bizarre scenarios... However, that being said, I've still been suffering from insomnia... Tomorrow I'll be paying my tab off at the Korner, and making a trip to the drug store to fill my prescription for a medication that should help me sleep.
This of course may or may not actually be of any help to me. I told Darcy I would fight one, just to see what the high is like. Which means I'll likely pop one saturday night, just to see what happens when I try... Of course, if I wake up passed out in the living room, I'll know they work.
The more drugs I find piling up on my desk, the more I realize that my "young years" is over... Oxycodone can't be taken with alcohol, paxil can't be taken with alcohol, how much ya wanna bet this sleeping shit will be just as big of a "no no" to chug back booze with it?
This of course gives me concern only because of the bachelor party in october for Shaun. I do not want to be the only sober guy there, which of course means I'm gonna be pushing my limits. Thankfully, I know where my limits are, and know exactly how to deal with alcohol.
I need to get in touch with my doctor yet again though to find out what his progress is on finding me a female shrink that I can vent to. Of course the over all delusion of that particular arrangement doesn't really change either...
I haven't been in WoW at all in over a week.... Despite the fact my druid is finally in northrend and should be leveling towards 80 with abandon... Especially with a FOUR day weekend ahead of me. Four days, no work, no responsibilities... Nothing of interest planned... And chances are all I'll do is roleplay or chat on msn instead of taking advantage of the 96 hour gaming session I could reap. Can't remember the last time I did that.... Well, yes I can, was my Paladin from 60-70.
There really isn't a lot to report over all. I'm addicted to D&D tiny adventures on facebook, and mafia wars as well, I've been playing both with a regularity that almost frightens me considering their minor application value... I've decided I want to play Assassin's Creed before the second comes out, and have eyes Bioware's Dragon Age: Origins game as a possible conquest for the PS3, assuming it can keep my interest.
Not much else happening... May make another entry by the end of the weekend if I feel.... Inspired.
Peace.
Chris.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Complications Have Set In
Don't know how long he'll last....
Not sure how long anything I do, or involve myself in, will ever last. That is merely a consequence of my self-destructive nature. However I let it all come, take it in stride, and see, at times, if I am able to keep it close, nurture it, and let it bloom... Sadly, in barren soil, very little grows.
So, in as many days, I have had four different women tell me that my mere words is enough to make them writhe. An interesting spectacle, in truth, and nothing I've ever, myself, considered as an effect of my words, even when effort is applied.
In the same breath, one of them tells me, that she may never date me, but she would certainly fuck me. So what exactly does that mean? That I'm not Mr. Right, but I make a great Mr. Right-now? Of course, with words like that echoing in my mind, being told my voice is "orgasmic" as well as other things, coming from every angle... I can't help but wonder why the hell I'm not at the bar making use of this apparent perfection I hold.
I'm easy going. I'm relaxed. I'm very difficult to upset. Once upon a time, two things set me off, made me angry, pissed beyond all reason... The kind of thing that made me black out and wake up in a pool of blood pissed. Otherwise I very rarely, if ever, lost my temper...
One of these things was to be called a woman beater, or to see a woman who was abused... This has ceased to bother me. I am not a woman beater, have never laid a hand on a woman in anger, and never in an act that could be considered "abuse".... At the same time, seeing a woman who has been abused, might make me displeased with the man involved, and I'd not hesitate to take him down, but it would be on propriety, not anger.
The second of these things, was to hear a woman growl, snarl, or hiss at me... It set me off where I would very likely border on being a woman beater. Never have though, though I've put my fair share of holes in walls due to this act. Now? I could care less. It doesn't bother me, doesn't even make me twitch an eyelash.
Now, there is really only one thing that sets me off. My involvement with the situation depends on exactly how far it sets me off.... Lies and betrayal... Things hidden, kept secreted away... Lying by omission, betrayal in silence, among the more obvious things. This has, in my past two relationships, been the one thing to set me off. With Mecca, she hid something from me, made a comment, and then said "nothing" hiding something of obvious importance.... This ended in her pinned on the living room floor, refusing to tell me, before I finally stood up and walked out of the apartment to go for a walk. With Sarah, it was the night she told me she had fucked Andrew, and the night I found out she had been lying to me and using me for more than a month. The former time, I shredded my arm with a razor, busted my knuckles up, and went for a long walk where everyone stepped out of my way... The second time... Well, I've not mentioned the night I tried to kill myself in that manner, and it will remain that way, as those who know, already know, and no one else needs to.
How hard is it to be honest? Am I that much of a prick, that cold and unforgiving, that an open, honest answer, is that hard to expect? I know friends, people I've known for years, or for months, who know easily to tell me the truth, and will tell me anything without hesitation.
But that is irrelevant... All in how involved and deep I am into it. Sometimes it merely elicits a growl and a walk away from the conversation. Better to simply walk away instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill. Before tempers really do flare above mere inconvenience.
Of course, I also know that the cause of this opening up, this little revelation into my mind, will read this, and either apologize after feeling sorry for causing the aggravation, or it will escalate. The latter is improbable, even if the former doesn't happen, simply because I am in enough control of myself to know how to diffuse.
On other fronts.... I am trying to figure out how to deal with someone I've known for more than ten years, who has been a friend, who I've not spoken to for almost five years... That she has loved me, and cared for me, from the beginning. Of course, even as I speak this, what comes into mind is my confession to Darcy in a similar manner. The difference between this and that of course, is that I'm single where Darcy is not, and I care for this friend, where Darcy doesn't feel that way for me, much as she loves me as a friend...
It's an interesting dilemma, which I've been working through in my mind, with very little success in the immediate time. However, one day at a time, that is all I ask, all I can do, and as it moves forward, will see how things pan out.
The Korner has been closed since saturday. Makes for very interesting meal choices.... Which is to say Jesica treated me to lunch on saturday (kind of her) as we hung out... Sunday was a Fast, which ain't the most uncommon thing for me.... And today was a bag of cookies with change scraped together in nickels and dimes.
I can't wait until friday, when the money situation will be above and beyond my current bills, though am really hoping the Korner is open tomorrow, otherwise, things are going to be interesting... Though admittedly, I can stand to lose a few pounds anyways.
Took more than 100 calls today. At least I know, even with aftercall use, and some excessive break times, I can still beat everyone else in the campaign in a day of calls. Though today was more than 10% of my monthly calls... Now that is what you call a busy day.
Roleplay is going remarkably well.... I am actually enjoying it excessively, the nights I can go into the room and lose myself to the mind and voices of Malacoda, when I can savor his play and the fact he now has a pet Frevet (Ferret) which has been made a Commander of Ten men.... It is endlessly entertaining in the World of Gor to have such a thing playing as a storyline. Of course, for me it is more for the ideal of having NPCs to play with. Malacoda is a Commander of 1000, which is far too many NPCs to come up with names, weapons specialties, skills, scars, etc.
Makes me contemplate finding someone capable of creating a generator with several options and placements put into it, and then making dozens, or even hundreds, of Outriders out of it. However that is highly unlikely, even if Shaun is likely capable.
Anyways... That is enough of an update considering the last one was last night...
Peace,
Chris.
Not sure how long anything I do, or involve myself in, will ever last. That is merely a consequence of my self-destructive nature. However I let it all come, take it in stride, and see, at times, if I am able to keep it close, nurture it, and let it bloom... Sadly, in barren soil, very little grows.
So, in as many days, I have had four different women tell me that my mere words is enough to make them writhe. An interesting spectacle, in truth, and nothing I've ever, myself, considered as an effect of my words, even when effort is applied.
In the same breath, one of them tells me, that she may never date me, but she would certainly fuck me. So what exactly does that mean? That I'm not Mr. Right, but I make a great Mr. Right-now? Of course, with words like that echoing in my mind, being told my voice is "orgasmic" as well as other things, coming from every angle... I can't help but wonder why the hell I'm not at the bar making use of this apparent perfection I hold.
I'm easy going. I'm relaxed. I'm very difficult to upset. Once upon a time, two things set me off, made me angry, pissed beyond all reason... The kind of thing that made me black out and wake up in a pool of blood pissed. Otherwise I very rarely, if ever, lost my temper...
One of these things was to be called a woman beater, or to see a woman who was abused... This has ceased to bother me. I am not a woman beater, have never laid a hand on a woman in anger, and never in an act that could be considered "abuse".... At the same time, seeing a woman who has been abused, might make me displeased with the man involved, and I'd not hesitate to take him down, but it would be on propriety, not anger.
The second of these things, was to hear a woman growl, snarl, or hiss at me... It set me off where I would very likely border on being a woman beater. Never have though, though I've put my fair share of holes in walls due to this act. Now? I could care less. It doesn't bother me, doesn't even make me twitch an eyelash.
Now, there is really only one thing that sets me off. My involvement with the situation depends on exactly how far it sets me off.... Lies and betrayal... Things hidden, kept secreted away... Lying by omission, betrayal in silence, among the more obvious things. This has, in my past two relationships, been the one thing to set me off. With Mecca, she hid something from me, made a comment, and then said "nothing" hiding something of obvious importance.... This ended in her pinned on the living room floor, refusing to tell me, before I finally stood up and walked out of the apartment to go for a walk. With Sarah, it was the night she told me she had fucked Andrew, and the night I found out she had been lying to me and using me for more than a month. The former time, I shredded my arm with a razor, busted my knuckles up, and went for a long walk where everyone stepped out of my way... The second time... Well, I've not mentioned the night I tried to kill myself in that manner, and it will remain that way, as those who know, already know, and no one else needs to.
How hard is it to be honest? Am I that much of a prick, that cold and unforgiving, that an open, honest answer, is that hard to expect? I know friends, people I've known for years, or for months, who know easily to tell me the truth, and will tell me anything without hesitation.
But that is irrelevant... All in how involved and deep I am into it. Sometimes it merely elicits a growl and a walk away from the conversation. Better to simply walk away instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill. Before tempers really do flare above mere inconvenience.
Of course, I also know that the cause of this opening up, this little revelation into my mind, will read this, and either apologize after feeling sorry for causing the aggravation, or it will escalate. The latter is improbable, even if the former doesn't happen, simply because I am in enough control of myself to know how to diffuse.
On other fronts.... I am trying to figure out how to deal with someone I've known for more than ten years, who has been a friend, who I've not spoken to for almost five years... That she has loved me, and cared for me, from the beginning. Of course, even as I speak this, what comes into mind is my confession to Darcy in a similar manner. The difference between this and that of course, is that I'm single where Darcy is not, and I care for this friend, where Darcy doesn't feel that way for me, much as she loves me as a friend...
It's an interesting dilemma, which I've been working through in my mind, with very little success in the immediate time. However, one day at a time, that is all I ask, all I can do, and as it moves forward, will see how things pan out.
The Korner has been closed since saturday. Makes for very interesting meal choices.... Which is to say Jesica treated me to lunch on saturday (kind of her) as we hung out... Sunday was a Fast, which ain't the most uncommon thing for me.... And today was a bag of cookies with change scraped together in nickels and dimes.
I can't wait until friday, when the money situation will be above and beyond my current bills, though am really hoping the Korner is open tomorrow, otherwise, things are going to be interesting... Though admittedly, I can stand to lose a few pounds anyways.
Took more than 100 calls today. At least I know, even with aftercall use, and some excessive break times, I can still beat everyone else in the campaign in a day of calls. Though today was more than 10% of my monthly calls... Now that is what you call a busy day.
Roleplay is going remarkably well.... I am actually enjoying it excessively, the nights I can go into the room and lose myself to the mind and voices of Malacoda, when I can savor his play and the fact he now has a pet Frevet (Ferret) which has been made a Commander of Ten men.... It is endlessly entertaining in the World of Gor to have such a thing playing as a storyline. Of course, for me it is more for the ideal of having NPCs to play with. Malacoda is a Commander of 1000, which is far too many NPCs to come up with names, weapons specialties, skills, scars, etc.
Makes me contemplate finding someone capable of creating a generator with several options and placements put into it, and then making dozens, or even hundreds, of Outriders out of it. However that is highly unlikely, even if Shaun is likely capable.
Anyways... That is enough of an update considering the last one was last night...
Peace,
Chris.
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