Cold Cash and Colder Hearts

I had intention of writing a story here... A short story of darkness and malice granted a light. Yet even as I began to write it, the same block which always plagues me came on and refused the words their freedom.

Of course, this is something I've come to expect... And so, I look at the relationship I have with my slave in gor. She is a kind woman, truly gentle, sensitive... Excessively so. She is truly a good person... I find myself asking... How have I not scared her off yet?

Two things came into my mind when I thought of this... One was Sesshomaru and Rin... This is my geek peeking out. Sesshomaru is a demon in Inuyasha, and InuYasha's half brother... He is a cruel, and evil being that will slaughter human or demon alike without thought for consequence or life. Yet when InuYasha nearly kills him, a young girl, Rin, tries to help him, offering food, and medicine.... He rebukes her, every time... Though she appears to him once, battered by her village for theft... And he shows an inkling of kindness in asking where she got the marks... She smiles at his concern. He scoffs, telling her he was merely curious. When the girl is murdered... killed by demon led wolves... Sesshomaru uses the power of his sword of life to bring her back from death and restore her to the world. She is innocent, kind, and pure... Yet she follows him loyally and faithfully despite this, despite the obvious cruelty of him.

The other thing that came to mind, was much more... poetic... A sensitive heart, in a cruel hand.

It seems ironic... I know I am not a nice person. I'm a Torturer in gor for a reason. I have so few limits, where nothing will actually stay my hand.... I have points where life means nothing to me, my own or anyone else's life for that matter. The only thing that keeps me in control, is my own willpower, my self control, and a person. Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter the person, as long as I can latch onto them, and hold tight. It is not a fear to be alone... Indeed, I've done fine alone for much of my life. However I prefer that balance, that crutch, that a relationship can offer... A true one can offer a support that is unrivaled and something I strive for eventually.

So that being said.... In Other News...

I received an eviction notice. Sadly, with the medical leave, and other "issues"... Work and bills traded places. This became a nuisance for me, however has apparently become a problem for my landlords. I received my eviction notice on monday. This notice, of course, offers me two weeks to pay for september's rent, another week or two to pay for october, and I must pay november's rent on or before the first of november, or face the streets. Well, perhaps not so dire. I have friends after all.

On top of this, I had laryngitis on monday. This of course, was supported with documentation... However, My boss has been monitoring my attendance, documented, non, and otherwise. System issues are threatening to have me fired. On Wednesday I was taken into a meeting with HR and the Boss. They've given me multiple chances, they've offered me opportunity to correct things, my connection is my issue, not theirs.... so on down the line.

They hand me a coach, saying they are going to investigate for termination. They will get back to me no later than the 28th. That would be monday. Now two things occurred to me at this moment.... Being handed an eviction notice two days earlier, and being told, mid-paycheck, that I am being investigated for termination... One: I may very well need a new job very soon. And Two: If I'm fired before I have enough hours under my last paycheck, I'll need more than a new job, I'll need a new place to live.

Somehow, some way... I survived the week. I now have enough hours to pay rent for september before the due date. If I keep my job, I'll be safe and secure. If I am terminated on monday, I will have less than a week to find an equivalent paying job in order to fill in to pay october and november. or all I've done is buy myself some time.

Things are not as stressful as they were wednesday, however I am not off the hook either. One thing leads to another, and I will work through each day as it comes to me... This of course, to some, may seem "karma" or my just desserts. To others it may seem unfortunate and undeserving.

However it looks to you, I'm not complaining, I'm putting it out there, setting it up as a truth, and writing about it simply because it is on my mind, and gasp and shock, this is my journal. Anyways...

There's not a lot more going on... I finally have my sleeping pills, got them tuesday night. They kind of work... Which is to say, one pill does little (I tried that first night, and when I finally passed out, I woke up three hours later and had to take another)... So I take two pills, and they put me out after thirty minutes or so for a solid 7-8 hours. I wake up, if not refreshed, at least awake.

I'll leave it at that.... The line of, "a kind heart in a cruel hand" stirs my mind for creativity, perhaps poetry... May come back to that in the future. However we all know how I am with that.

Good night...

Chris.