Complications Have Set In

Don't know how long he'll last....

Not sure how long anything I do, or involve myself in, will ever last. That is merely a consequence of my self-destructive nature. However I let it all come, take it in stride, and see, at times, if I am able to keep it close, nurture it, and let it bloom... Sadly, in barren soil, very little grows.

So, in as many days, I have had four different women tell me that my mere words is enough to make them writhe. An interesting spectacle, in truth, and nothing I've ever, myself, considered as an effect of my words, even when effort is applied.

In the same breath, one of them tells me, that she may never date me, but she would certainly fuck me. So what exactly does that mean? That I'm not Mr. Right, but I make a great Mr. Right-now? Of course, with words like that echoing in my mind, being told my voice is "orgasmic" as well as other things, coming from every angle... I can't help but wonder why the hell I'm not at the bar making use of this apparent perfection I hold.

I'm easy going. I'm relaxed. I'm very difficult to upset. Once upon a time, two things set me off, made me angry, pissed beyond all reason... The kind of thing that made me black out and wake up in a pool of blood pissed. Otherwise I very rarely, if ever, lost my temper...

One of these things was to be called a woman beater, or to see a woman who was abused... This has ceased to bother me. I am not a woman beater, have never laid a hand on a woman in anger, and never in an act that could be considered "abuse".... At the same time, seeing a woman who has been abused, might make me displeased with the man involved, and I'd not hesitate to take him down, but it would be on propriety, not anger.

The second of these things, was to hear a woman growl, snarl, or hiss at me... It set me off where I would very likely border on being a woman beater. Never have though, though I've put my fair share of holes in walls due to this act. Now? I could care less. It doesn't bother me, doesn't even make me twitch an eyelash.

Now, there is really only one thing that sets me off. My involvement with the situation depends on exactly how far it sets me off.... Lies and betrayal... Things hidden, kept secreted away... Lying by omission, betrayal in silence, among the more obvious things. This has, in my past two relationships, been the one thing to set me off. With Mecca, she hid something from me, made a comment, and then said "nothing" hiding something of obvious importance.... This ended in her pinned on the living room floor, refusing to tell me, before I finally stood up and walked out of the apartment to go for a walk. With Sarah, it was the night she told me she had fucked Andrew, and the night I found out she had been lying to me and using me for more than a month. The former time, I shredded my arm with a razor, busted my knuckles up, and went for a long walk where everyone stepped out of my way... The second time... Well, I've not mentioned the night I tried to kill myself in that manner, and it will remain that way, as those who know, already know, and no one else needs to.

How hard is it to be honest? Am I that much of a prick, that cold and unforgiving, that an open, honest answer, is that hard to expect? I know friends, people I've known for years, or for months, who know easily to tell me the truth, and will tell me anything without hesitation.

But that is irrelevant... All in how involved and deep I am into it. Sometimes it merely elicits a growl and a walk away from the conversation. Better to simply walk away instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill. Before tempers really do flare above mere inconvenience.

Of course, I also know that the cause of this opening up, this little revelation into my mind, will read this, and either apologize after feeling sorry for causing the aggravation, or it will escalate. The latter is improbable, even if the former doesn't happen, simply because I am in enough control of myself to know how to diffuse.

On other fronts.... I am trying to figure out how to deal with someone I've known for more than ten years, who has been a friend, who I've not spoken to for almost five years... That she has loved me, and cared for me, from the beginning. Of course, even as I speak this, what comes into mind is my confession to Darcy in a similar manner. The difference between this and that of course, is that I'm single where Darcy is not, and I care for this friend, where Darcy doesn't feel that way for me, much as she loves me as a friend...

It's an interesting dilemma, which I've been working through in my mind, with very little success in the immediate time. However, one day at a time, that is all I ask, all I can do, and as it moves forward, will see how things pan out.

The Korner has been closed since saturday. Makes for very interesting meal choices.... Which is to say Jesica treated me to lunch on saturday (kind of her) as we hung out... Sunday was a Fast, which ain't the most uncommon thing for me.... And today was a bag of cookies with change scraped together in nickels and dimes.

I can't wait until friday, when the money situation will be above and beyond my current bills, though am really hoping the Korner is open tomorrow, otherwise, things are going to be interesting... Though admittedly, I can stand to lose a few pounds anyways.

Took more than 100 calls today. At least I know, even with aftercall use, and some excessive break times, I can still beat everyone else in the campaign in a day of calls. Though today was more than 10% of my monthly calls... Now that is what you call a busy day.

Roleplay is going remarkably well.... I am actually enjoying it excessively, the nights I can go into the room and lose myself to the mind and voices of Malacoda, when I can savor his play and the fact he now has a pet Frevet (Ferret) which has been made a Commander of Ten men.... It is endlessly entertaining in the World of Gor to have such a thing playing as a storyline. Of course, for me it is more for the ideal of having NPCs to play with. Malacoda is a Commander of 1000, which is far too many NPCs to come up with names, weapons specialties, skills, scars, etc.

Makes me contemplate finding someone capable of creating a generator with several options and placements put into it, and then making dozens, or even hundreds, of Outriders out of it. However that is highly unlikely, even if Shaun is likely capable.

Anyways... That is enough of an update considering the last one was last night...

Peace,

Chris.