The Tired Mind

I've been sleeping like shit, working even worse, and barely managing to pull myself out from beneath the covers in order to drag my ass the ten feet to the couch to work. Which is bad, of course, because that is gonna put me at jeopardy.

Of course, I'm determining, slowly, that work + watching tv, is going to be a big no no. I need to stop doing it, as it is causing me to avoid calls, stay in aftercall, use extensive hold to avoid the customer so I can watch two or three minutes more of a show before taking another call.

That being said, about time to start working at my desk again. Admittedly, a lot easier to do that now that I've seen all of Stargate (yes, ALL of it. Both movies, both series, all 15 combined seasons), and as such have little more to watch in that regard that is a must for a work day.

Fringe requires too much attention to do while working, and as cool as Merlin is, not really the kind of show that I am hooked on so much that I need to watch all the time. Sadly, am going to be getting True Blood season 2 soon, which means that will consume me a lil bit too.

I can't help but look at things in my life, and realizing I'm losing enthusiasm, desire, drive, again. This is not merely in a personal social life side of things, it is in a lot of things, working, acting, going out to get food, roleplay, WoW, reading, writing, etc... It all seems to be numbed, dropped down and dumbed down. I can't help but think it may be caused by me halving my dose of paxil in order to make it stretch out to when I can afford the next refill (having to pay for pills instead of the filler fee, puts a cramp in my wallet... fucking medical plan bullshit copaying whore cunt gnawing assholes), which who knows... I can't really bump myself back to the double dose again, not until this friday.

Which of course, at that time, I'll have to pull an excuse out of my ass to pay my landlords in october for both october and september's rent, because this pay check is brutal.... Very brutal. Admittedly, there are reasons behind this that are legitimate and easily spun to advantage... But I'm not always proud of using that skill from my repertoire.

One thing at a time. The rant about names the other night hasn't been the only thing in my mind as of late, and not the first time I've pulled myself out of bed at some strangely obscene time to pace, or walk, or do whatever... Because my mind is plagued, running a mile a minute, working over things that shouldn't be.... My sleep averages perhaps (PERHAPS) 6 hours a night, broken up..... Which doesn't work out too well.

I find myself reviewing relationships, chances, things going on... I look at Maggie, someone I've known for more than ten years, and who I care deeply for... Who is eight hours away from me, and in another country, and I find myself thinking.... I'm not a child anymore. I shouldn't be hung up on long distance happenstance... At the same time, the same thought occurs... I'm NOT a child anymore... I have my own revenue source, my own place, my own money... I'm single, on my own, and when I apply myself, I make more money than I need to get by. How hard is it to make something so easy a reality?

Truth is, with her willing to go the distance... It is very easy. For the first time in a very long time, I find myself looking forward to tomorrow, instead of reminiscing about yesterday. Despite everything going through my mind, the insomnia, the dying enthusiasm, despite all of it... I look at tomorrow, and think to myself.... There's something there.

I know, I know.... Doom and gloom, darkness and suicide, etc etc... I should be more negative, more cold and woe is me. The truth is, as dark as things can be, as much as I know my mind, the images I see, the night terrors that come and go, the thoughts, visions, and evil I possess (and yes, I've done some very bad things that earn that title)... I'm still a realist... Not all of it need be pessimistic. I just don't always like optimistic views.

Jessica... koumisu... My slave in gor.... Has become a friend. A place I'd not expect to find one, honestly. She's been there for me, as a friend, a listening ear, encouragement... And merely talking to her, on the phone, on msn, I find myself relaxing. It is a great therapeutic response... Not sure if it is natural for her, of if she knows she does it, however, when she is not stressed, or worried, or being a stubborn brat... She is something special. She wants a nickname that is unique to her... Something that I don't use for other people... The truth is, I can't think of anything to call her, beast, pet, piccola, distraction.... I can't really think of something unique and fitting for her that I call no one else... But I can think of one thing I do call her, to myself, that I use with very very few others... And that is friend.

Bobbi has been in my life as well.... Not a lot to say about her that hasn't been said, repeated, and rewritten a dozen times in this journal.... She's the only person that has ever dove into the darkness of my mind, and not only come out to tell about it, but always comes back for more. Once she learns to look after herself, I'm sure she'll end up diving in again.... She knows I care for her, and will never stop that....

Darcy as well.... My first love, and the only one I can smile about, and say, with no lie, or embellishment, that I still love her, and very likely always will. She's a relief on the world, someone I can flirt with and relax with... Not always roses and perfection, mind... I comfort her as often as she comforts me, and sometimes we do nothing but bitch about work.... heh... Not that relaxing... But still there.

I'd mention everyone, each person separately, but the honest truth is, despite how bad I am for the "woe is me" bullshit, there are too many people, online and off, that are involved in my life, to offer a paragraph for each of them.... Shaun is the most prominent as of late as someone who deserves a paragraph of how awesome he is, but if I tried to fit that in a paragraph, the world would implode in upon itself in a shattering of reality to destroy me for trying to fit the insurmountable cool that is Shaun Moon. That being said.... Jesica, Rebecca, Lloyd, Andy, Alex, Jennifer, among others.... All friends that I am glad to have in my life, high or low, even if I'm an apathetic prick that may not always show it.

Alright, getting a little too sappy, I blame being tired and the like... Very tired.

So yeah... I think that summarizes a bunch of stuff that may or may not make sense to anyone...

Peace,

Chris.