It's Only Paranoia when you're wrong

Because it's not being paranoid, if they really are out to get you.

So I just woke up, yes, at 4pm... I've not eaten, and won't be. However that is merely peripheral worries. I could stand to lose weight anyways, and sleeping as opposed to being conscious, works around the need for food, and no, I'm not mentioning this for a pity trip or anything of the like, merely doing what I always do, state what is there so that it isn't on me mind... I'm not even hungry.

Job hunting has no direction.... I've been emailing off resumes as though they are flyers to a concert... And my reply rate so far has been at 0%. Which of course is not a good thing... I've heard nothing from Canada Services (unemployment), and as I await their response, I have found myself either watching some random show on my computer (the Tudors and Hellsing at the moment), and until recently, WoW.

WoW... It means, little to me, honestly, something to pass the time, and with the addition of kiwi offering me to play an alt on her account, something to do with purpose. I've been told that it is not desired for me to play the account any longer. *shrugs gently* It was a lot of fun to do while I did it, and I merely hope that the investment of a free 80 that is geared was worth the monthly cost... I'm not really concerned over all, the only disappointment I have in it, is that she is rarely online on msn nowadays, so during raid times was a time we got to talk and StS (shoot the shit).

I mentioned last blog post that I'd elaborate more on who she is, and what she is to me. Well, kiwi's name is Kalli... She's called kiwi because my beloved Maggie so dubbed her upon learning she was from New Zealand... I find the nickname adorable, and as such have used it. She's not expressed displeasure with it, so I can merely assume there are none.

So kiwi has been somewhat of a confidante this past month and change... Someone I've spoken with, and been spoken to by, over the weeks... Working things out, helping her with her own issues... There were many times I spoke with her and all I could really say was, "breathe, it is going to be alright... in and out, hun... just breathe." Because things don't always work out...

As of late, she's been hidden on msn, keeping away from many people that she doesn't wish to speak with... or shouldn't speak with. *shrugs* Whatever the case may be, it does mean she isn't around so much as of late... Though even in her time online, she has found another that she can lean on, and speak her issues to. This of course was a bulk of our friendship, that I was the confidante, the one she could speak to.

I can't call it a negative thing, though to begin I saw it as just that... Not merely because of what it was (someone taking her time from me), but because of reputations. The man she's found, and says she loves, has a reputation for being a player, being there one day, and gone the next. To be honest, I have the utmost respect for Robbie (always called him Rob, heard him called Rob, to learn through kiwi his name is Robbie... hm, go figure.), I always have, and likely always will, no matter the happenings.

He's an amazing roleplayer, worded beautifully, he has a way about himself that demands attention, screams it. He has the spotlight when he enters a room to roleplay. All eyes turn to him, because he paints a picture, tells a story in his words that few can rival. I used to be like that, used to have that fire that could turn all eyes to me... I burned out too many times, and that particular plateau of literacy is now only visited in passing from time to time when I'm, "in the area", so to speak....

Of course, I'm currently out of roleplay altogether due to the loss of a Home. I still have no reasoning offered for it, but I can only hope it was worth the 8 years of friendship to JT... Personally I wouldn't see the worth in it, however to each their own.

Back to topic though... He takes the time I had with kiwi away from me. When it first happened, I was happy for her, I was glad she had found someone to roleplay with, to be with, and he felt much the same, that her roleplay blew him away, that the way she wrote... He had to have her. I encouraged it, even pushed it and worked from behind the scenes as is my wont to do, and assured that kiwi's owner sold her to Robbie in gor... Not an easy thing to do, as Adorjan had no interest in such a thing.

Amusingly, I'm used to getting what I want when I want it, and as such, was given what I wanted... Adorjan sold portia (at the time pronounced porsh-ah) to Pahn... And thus did Pahn own portia (now pronounced port-ee-ah).

I saw this as an ideal roleplay set up, two people from the plateau of perfection in each others' arms. Doesn't get much better than that. Little did I see the consequence of my action at the time.

Not something that is my business of course, or it shouldn't be, and yet, I call her friend, and know that on some levels he as well is a friend, a kindred spirit in many things...

She fell in love with him, and he became obsessed. Call it love if you will, and as the days pass, I'd be willing to give you that concession. I look at it, the two of them, and I watch the Tudors (a historical series about Henry VI for those who don't know)... And I think of Anne Boleyn and Henry... The madness she instilled in him, his possessiveness and pursuit, and I see similar in my two friends.... Though perhaps not quite to that length.

The few times I get to speak with kiwi, he is the topic from her, unless there are other things to speak of... It was one of these brief conversations during WoW time, learning about a few mishaps, mess ups, and blow ups, that had happened... that made me realize... Maybe this does have merit. Up to this point, I'd been... tolerant... at best... For much of it, I had been a cold asshole as is my normal attitude if I don't agree with a person's path that I feel will blow up in their face.

I had deemed she deserved an apology. I had changed stance, and I am Man enough to know when I am wrong, and to speak the words of it openly... I've stated it before, and I stated it this night. Except, of course, it wasn't raid time (or even a raid day), and she wasn't online on msn... Or rather, I knew she was but she wasn't visible, or had everyone blocked, whatever the case may have been.

I asked Robbie to let her know I wanted to speak with her if he saw her... The only means which I could think of to get ahold of her without waiting for another raid night or the like. He asked me what for. My personal mind screamed, "none of your business." as my words spoke simply, "I owe her an apology for something personal."

She came online, and asked what I was going to apologize for. I had had something written, a lengthy post involving several things... I rewrote it, molded it, as she wouldn't be the only one to read it, see it, and consider it.

She never did accept it one way or the other... *considers, mehs* However I'm sure that was merely an oversight.

I told Robbie that he could go back to monopolizing her time... I recall it was not the most kind statement, that since she couldn't have friends... And his response put my back up... that, "of course she can have friends, as long as they know their place as her friend." I bit my tongue... literally, it nearly bled... my hands were there, poised over my keyboard, ready for a scathing remark on knowing where I am, where I stand, and wondering where the fuck else COULD I stand, seen as I am 1) in a relationship, 2) don't cyber, 3) don't roleplay to even attempt anything, and 4) can't go ten posts with her without at least some kind of mention of him.

I bit my tongue... and instead just bid him a good night and went back to watching my show.

Paranoia.... Hey look! I actually am getting to the title of this post!!

I understand the feelings he may have... The thought process of, "I met her here, when this exact situation may have been happening, and she could meet someone else too, through this. I could lose her...." and wanting to, at all measures, prevent that.

I once bred finches.... They are small birds. I was but a child when I did it.... I killed one, once... I had it in my hand, and it was flapping in my grip, and I tightened it, and tightened it because it still struggled... until its neck was broken, or ribs crushed... or something... It had died. I was only 10 at the time, it had been unintentional, as she was one of my favorites... A soft brown with tears of black from her eyes... Pocahontas.

Anyways... The relation here, is if you squeeze what you love too tightly, you'll kill it. A gilded cage is still a cage, after all... Which coming from the mouth of a Gorean doesn't make the point I want it to make. Paranoia.... Competition where there is none, threats where there are only well wishes... Fears where there are only comforts.... Seeing the beasts in the dark when shadows are all that are there.

I can't offer more metaphors and contradictions without some effort or thought that I do not currently have the energy for.

I could simply slap him and tell him that there is nothing to worry about with me... Hell, she doesn't even see me as a Man... I'm a brother to her... I was the shoulder she cried on, the ear she spoke in, the wall she hammered at. If I had wanted her in that manner, had I desired her sexually, if she did anything for me.... I had plenty of opportunity to take advantage of her.... The night she first truly met Malacoda, and he had her assist him in the cleaning of the impaling spear... I could have had her that night... I could have had her many nights after that... Up to the point where we started talking ooc on msn. When we went from Malacoda and portia to Chris and Kalli. When we went from that barrier that hazed from one to the other... My loyalties and heart lie with Maggie, and always will.

I'm her brother, and she is more like a ward to me... Someone to look out for, keep safe, even if I am hated for it at times. I find it ironic, and vaguely amusing (if it didn't bother me so much) to know that now that I support her decision with him, that it is biting me in the ass all the more.

Life always holds those little surprises for me though, those little burrs that will bite into my flesh when I least expect it. The fire that burns me even as I try to do good by cooking for another... Ok, that last one -sucked- for a metaphor.

Maggie and I are doing well together. Or as well as can be expected of two people who have known each other for a decade plus, just now realizing where they are supposed to be. My mood swings bother her, her silence bothers me... That she always tries to push me to a reaction, just to get a rise out of me, bothers me... She knows that now... Of course, it is hard to explain rightly that my childhood went down that very road... Being told things I'd not like just to make me do something else... It is hard to get into, especially with how long this post has gotten as it is.

Maggie will be my next focus for my mind, as usual... However these are things I wanted to get out there, and they are better off my mind than on them.... My upstairs neighbor hates me... I was friends with his ex before she got the brains to leave him... He hates me still though, and the reason behind it? Simple... I have a penis. I spoke with Jenn, and I have a penis, that made me the enemy.

I don't want that to be the case here, I like both of those involved... Even encourage it, now that I've seen how it is moving... I'm not the enemy.

Speaking of irony... (did I mention irony anywhere? If I didn't, than too bad, I'm speaking of it now)... Robbie just started reading my blog... The irony, is that this was my planned post no matter what... I was going to write it last night, but ended up lethargic, so it is written now as I wake up.

So cheers... I have to go send off some resumes and watch some Tudors, as my power leveling service is no longer needed.

Cheers,

Chris.

FMLYHM

For those who grab the link for this blog from my msn, you're probably wondering what the hell that one means. It's a song title from Seether... Fuck me like you hate me.

Anyways, update time. I'm not feeling overly enthusiastic about much lately, so I'm going to give the bare bone details of everything.

I'm no longer working, this I believe was already a known thing during my initial "wtf now?" phase. I've been job hunting and looking for work, not a very fortuitous path I assure you. No bites despite over two dozen applications.

I am now, indeed, on welfare, which at the moment doesn't even manage the money needed to pay rent, let alone bills. I am selling my playstation 3 to a former co-worker, so that she can give it to her S/O's kids for x-mas.

I may have actually qualified for unemployment. Not sure for sure, but I got the letter giving me my pin number for my profile and that I needed to make bi-weekly reports. So that will be a significant help to have a bi-weekly check coming in for even a portion of my previous wages.

My internet got shut down with rogers. A direct result of an extra $20 tacked onto my bill monthly for a PVR I shouldn't have been paying for until 2010. So I went with another provider for a cheaper rate at an equivalent speed (though not an equivalent bandwidth).

I lost myself in WoW for a brief period. Two weeks to be exact... Though I'm playing now as well, off and on. Leveled a rogue to 80 in 6 days 5 hours played time, 12 days real time. Have a druid made that is only getting poked now and again.

Dragon Age Origins is a beautiful game. Very nice, pretty, cool storyline.

I'm out of gor again, after such a short period back into it before real life fucked it up. Of course, this time around it was not my doing to leave, it was a choice forced on me as JT, someone I once called a brother, decided that because he isn't my confidante anymore, that I don't belong in his home for roleplay.

I'm willing to bet he doesn't even read this blog, let alone know of it's existence despite the fact that it is posted on me msn.. And he has the gall to tell me I don't talk to him anymore about my life. He doesn't exactly show much interest in it either. Hell, Kalli shows more interest in my life and she did that before she even knew me from a hole in the wall.

Who's Kalli? Why, she's Maggie's kiwi, and someone I like to call friend. I'll divulge more when I have a mind to write next entry.

And most important for last... Maggie and I are, yes, still together, such as it is with the distance between us, and as each day passes I love her more and more. Seems she is bit by a similar bug as each day passes she seems to cling more and more. And for once, with her, I actually don't mind it.

I'm counting down the days, and not to christmas like so many people... No, to january, around my birthday, when Maggie will be here, in my arms.

To another today and a new tomorrow,

Chris.

Fucking worthless

I don't cry.

It is not something that I am simply saying because I'm a man... I'm normally too numb to allow tears to come, to be shed... Nothing bothers me, little gets to me...

Tonight... I don't know what happened, I have no idea what triggered it. I was talking to Maggie, merely talking, normal things, things that never bother me... Her talking to Michael/Haakon, teasing... Going over normal things... It was no different than any other night, nothing changed, nothing unique, nothing extravagent.

However something clicked, something shifted.... I love her, more than anything... And yet, I can't help but feel, think, that this is going to self-destruct and blow up before it goes anywhere... She can never tell when I'm joking and when I'm being serious... I suppose not many people though, why should I expect her to know me that well?

I don't know if it is just build up, or if I am on the rollercoaster. I'm off my meds at this point, down to half a pill before I quit taking them altogether because I don't have any kind of benefits plan to keep taking them... I don't know what I'm doing anymore...

I talk to maggie, and it is always fun, happy, I know she is suffering, that things are bothering her, but even when I ask, she refuses to tell me what it is, what is bothering her... And 6 times out of ten, if I do manage to pry it out... It's something I did.

I know I'm a bad person, but I always thought I was a good man. Am I that bad all around? Am I really that worthless that I can't even make one woman happy? Or at the very least content? Is it so difficult to actually do something right for a fucking change?

I hate that I'm forced to apply for welfare or face eviction... I hate that I'm in a rut and can't even find the words to do something as simple as roleplay... That even the thought of it causes my head to swim and my stomach to twist up with dread of the stone wall I am bashing my head against....

I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know why as I write this, tears fall unbidden down my cheeks, washing to pool into the sheet that is wrapped around my waist.... I can't do anything about it, can't even brush it off as inconsequential... I can't help but think this is the edge, the verge, of another nervous breakdown.... I haven't had a nervous breakdown since I was 18.... I hate them, they leave me useless, catatonic almost... I don't know what I'm doing...

I don't deserve her... And when I reach these fatalistic thoughts, these points in my mind... I seem to just think... "I don't deserve her, and it is only a matter of time before she realizes that and leaves." Hell... Michael is older than her, she likes older men, he even has a nice home, a great job... Any woman would be lucky to have him as their keeper... He's less controlling than I am, he is a great guy, a good friend, and a good person... Deserves better than the shit he's been getting from people.

I'm going to go curl up right now and hope this passes while at the same time knowing it won't pass that quickly. I just wish I could do better.... Be better... Be more than this useless shell that can't even admit their worth is less than dirt.... A superiority complex that is unfounded, an ego that is full of shit... I can't even figure my own life out... Why so I deserve someone as amazing as her...?

Good night.

Worthless at the moment.

On the Verge of Collapse

As Life brinks on the precipice of disaster
I look to the future and watch it come faster
The daze of colors and the haze of lights
the hopeless days and the endless nights
I can't think of the end as I don't know the start
and I know that I'm speaking from mind and now heart
not everything rhymes as perfection isn't real
but I know with my actions my fate did I seal
I don't know where I'm going but I know where I've been
I know the life I've led and I know all of my sin
I know the love I feel and I know the apathy
I understand the truth of madness and plausible sanity
I can see the world turning on it's axis of the world
The rose now in the winter months no longer unfurled
The depth for which I feel cannot be measured in a breath
the thoughts of ending it all plague me with the touch of death
I can't see the haze of colors that now plague my mind
I can't see the daze of worlds that are one of a kind
Failure after success after failure once again
I can never unleash my feelings without paper and pen
I don't know why I hide from it, as though it may now lie
The truth of how I feel for you makes me feel alive
friends and family and acquaintances I have known
people in my present, past, and future have since flown
to heavens or to hells or the depths of paradise
I look to the what I am, full of merit full of vice
I don't know what I've done here nor where I'm going to
But I know wherever I end up... I want to be with you.


This is in my mind as I sit here, preparing for a day of much running around, with, and without, hope. I don't know what I'm doing right now, but I know I need to make a choice, make an effort, and make things work. No matter what ends up happening, the one thing keeping me tethered here are thoughts of Maggie. I've never felt so strongly for someone, nor felt something so assured... I owe much to her in keeping me anchored, just as I owe much to Kalli as of late for giving me someone to speak to, even for random conversation, and giving me something to do to keep my mind from sinking into depths from which they may not return.

I know what I'm doing right now, though I don't know what the results will be. The only thing I can say, is dovienya sa tovya sagain..... Time to roll the dice... The wheel of time turns, and ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend, and legend fades into myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the age that gave it birth comes again.... There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the wheel of time... However, this is -A- beginning.

Peace,

Chris.