It's Only Paranoia when you're wrong

Because it's not being paranoid, if they really are out to get you.

So I just woke up, yes, at 4pm... I've not eaten, and won't be. However that is merely peripheral worries. I could stand to lose weight anyways, and sleeping as opposed to being conscious, works around the need for food, and no, I'm not mentioning this for a pity trip or anything of the like, merely doing what I always do, state what is there so that it isn't on me mind... I'm not even hungry.

Job hunting has no direction.... I've been emailing off resumes as though they are flyers to a concert... And my reply rate so far has been at 0%. Which of course is not a good thing... I've heard nothing from Canada Services (unemployment), and as I await their response, I have found myself either watching some random show on my computer (the Tudors and Hellsing at the moment), and until recently, WoW.

WoW... It means, little to me, honestly, something to pass the time, and with the addition of kiwi offering me to play an alt on her account, something to do with purpose. I've been told that it is not desired for me to play the account any longer. *shrugs gently* It was a lot of fun to do while I did it, and I merely hope that the investment of a free 80 that is geared was worth the monthly cost... I'm not really concerned over all, the only disappointment I have in it, is that she is rarely online on msn nowadays, so during raid times was a time we got to talk and StS (shoot the shit).

I mentioned last blog post that I'd elaborate more on who she is, and what she is to me. Well, kiwi's name is Kalli... She's called kiwi because my beloved Maggie so dubbed her upon learning she was from New Zealand... I find the nickname adorable, and as such have used it. She's not expressed displeasure with it, so I can merely assume there are none.

So kiwi has been somewhat of a confidante this past month and change... Someone I've spoken with, and been spoken to by, over the weeks... Working things out, helping her with her own issues... There were many times I spoke with her and all I could really say was, "breathe, it is going to be alright... in and out, hun... just breathe." Because things don't always work out...

As of late, she's been hidden on msn, keeping away from many people that she doesn't wish to speak with... or shouldn't speak with. *shrugs* Whatever the case may be, it does mean she isn't around so much as of late... Though even in her time online, she has found another that she can lean on, and speak her issues to. This of course was a bulk of our friendship, that I was the confidante, the one she could speak to.

I can't call it a negative thing, though to begin I saw it as just that... Not merely because of what it was (someone taking her time from me), but because of reputations. The man she's found, and says she loves, has a reputation for being a player, being there one day, and gone the next. To be honest, I have the utmost respect for Robbie (always called him Rob, heard him called Rob, to learn through kiwi his name is Robbie... hm, go figure.), I always have, and likely always will, no matter the happenings.

He's an amazing roleplayer, worded beautifully, he has a way about himself that demands attention, screams it. He has the spotlight when he enters a room to roleplay. All eyes turn to him, because he paints a picture, tells a story in his words that few can rival. I used to be like that, used to have that fire that could turn all eyes to me... I burned out too many times, and that particular plateau of literacy is now only visited in passing from time to time when I'm, "in the area", so to speak....

Of course, I'm currently out of roleplay altogether due to the loss of a Home. I still have no reasoning offered for it, but I can only hope it was worth the 8 years of friendship to JT... Personally I wouldn't see the worth in it, however to each their own.

Back to topic though... He takes the time I had with kiwi away from me. When it first happened, I was happy for her, I was glad she had found someone to roleplay with, to be with, and he felt much the same, that her roleplay blew him away, that the way she wrote... He had to have her. I encouraged it, even pushed it and worked from behind the scenes as is my wont to do, and assured that kiwi's owner sold her to Robbie in gor... Not an easy thing to do, as Adorjan had no interest in such a thing.

Amusingly, I'm used to getting what I want when I want it, and as such, was given what I wanted... Adorjan sold portia (at the time pronounced porsh-ah) to Pahn... And thus did Pahn own portia (now pronounced port-ee-ah).

I saw this as an ideal roleplay set up, two people from the plateau of perfection in each others' arms. Doesn't get much better than that. Little did I see the consequence of my action at the time.

Not something that is my business of course, or it shouldn't be, and yet, I call her friend, and know that on some levels he as well is a friend, a kindred spirit in many things...

She fell in love with him, and he became obsessed. Call it love if you will, and as the days pass, I'd be willing to give you that concession. I look at it, the two of them, and I watch the Tudors (a historical series about Henry VI for those who don't know)... And I think of Anne Boleyn and Henry... The madness she instilled in him, his possessiveness and pursuit, and I see similar in my two friends.... Though perhaps not quite to that length.

The few times I get to speak with kiwi, he is the topic from her, unless there are other things to speak of... It was one of these brief conversations during WoW time, learning about a few mishaps, mess ups, and blow ups, that had happened... that made me realize... Maybe this does have merit. Up to this point, I'd been... tolerant... at best... For much of it, I had been a cold asshole as is my normal attitude if I don't agree with a person's path that I feel will blow up in their face.

I had deemed she deserved an apology. I had changed stance, and I am Man enough to know when I am wrong, and to speak the words of it openly... I've stated it before, and I stated it this night. Except, of course, it wasn't raid time (or even a raid day), and she wasn't online on msn... Or rather, I knew she was but she wasn't visible, or had everyone blocked, whatever the case may have been.

I asked Robbie to let her know I wanted to speak with her if he saw her... The only means which I could think of to get ahold of her without waiting for another raid night or the like. He asked me what for. My personal mind screamed, "none of your business." as my words spoke simply, "I owe her an apology for something personal."

She came online, and asked what I was going to apologize for. I had had something written, a lengthy post involving several things... I rewrote it, molded it, as she wouldn't be the only one to read it, see it, and consider it.

She never did accept it one way or the other... *considers, mehs* However I'm sure that was merely an oversight.

I told Robbie that he could go back to monopolizing her time... I recall it was not the most kind statement, that since she couldn't have friends... And his response put my back up... that, "of course she can have friends, as long as they know their place as her friend." I bit my tongue... literally, it nearly bled... my hands were there, poised over my keyboard, ready for a scathing remark on knowing where I am, where I stand, and wondering where the fuck else COULD I stand, seen as I am 1) in a relationship, 2) don't cyber, 3) don't roleplay to even attempt anything, and 4) can't go ten posts with her without at least some kind of mention of him.

I bit my tongue... and instead just bid him a good night and went back to watching my show.

Paranoia.... Hey look! I actually am getting to the title of this post!!

I understand the feelings he may have... The thought process of, "I met her here, when this exact situation may have been happening, and she could meet someone else too, through this. I could lose her...." and wanting to, at all measures, prevent that.

I once bred finches.... They are small birds. I was but a child when I did it.... I killed one, once... I had it in my hand, and it was flapping in my grip, and I tightened it, and tightened it because it still struggled... until its neck was broken, or ribs crushed... or something... It had died. I was only 10 at the time, it had been unintentional, as she was one of my favorites... A soft brown with tears of black from her eyes... Pocahontas.

Anyways... The relation here, is if you squeeze what you love too tightly, you'll kill it. A gilded cage is still a cage, after all... Which coming from the mouth of a Gorean doesn't make the point I want it to make. Paranoia.... Competition where there is none, threats where there are only well wishes... Fears where there are only comforts.... Seeing the beasts in the dark when shadows are all that are there.

I can't offer more metaphors and contradictions without some effort or thought that I do not currently have the energy for.

I could simply slap him and tell him that there is nothing to worry about with me... Hell, she doesn't even see me as a Man... I'm a brother to her... I was the shoulder she cried on, the ear she spoke in, the wall she hammered at. If I had wanted her in that manner, had I desired her sexually, if she did anything for me.... I had plenty of opportunity to take advantage of her.... The night she first truly met Malacoda, and he had her assist him in the cleaning of the impaling spear... I could have had her that night... I could have had her many nights after that... Up to the point where we started talking ooc on msn. When we went from Malacoda and portia to Chris and Kalli. When we went from that barrier that hazed from one to the other... My loyalties and heart lie with Maggie, and always will.

I'm her brother, and she is more like a ward to me... Someone to look out for, keep safe, even if I am hated for it at times. I find it ironic, and vaguely amusing (if it didn't bother me so much) to know that now that I support her decision with him, that it is biting me in the ass all the more.

Life always holds those little surprises for me though, those little burrs that will bite into my flesh when I least expect it. The fire that burns me even as I try to do good by cooking for another... Ok, that last one -sucked- for a metaphor.

Maggie and I are doing well together. Or as well as can be expected of two people who have known each other for a decade plus, just now realizing where they are supposed to be. My mood swings bother her, her silence bothers me... That she always tries to push me to a reaction, just to get a rise out of me, bothers me... She knows that now... Of course, it is hard to explain rightly that my childhood went down that very road... Being told things I'd not like just to make me do something else... It is hard to get into, especially with how long this post has gotten as it is.

Maggie will be my next focus for my mind, as usual... However these are things I wanted to get out there, and they are better off my mind than on them.... My upstairs neighbor hates me... I was friends with his ex before she got the brains to leave him... He hates me still though, and the reason behind it? Simple... I have a penis. I spoke with Jenn, and I have a penis, that made me the enemy.

I don't want that to be the case here, I like both of those involved... Even encourage it, now that I've seen how it is moving... I'm not the enemy.

Speaking of irony... (did I mention irony anywhere? If I didn't, than too bad, I'm speaking of it now)... Robbie just started reading my blog... The irony, is that this was my planned post no matter what... I was going to write it last night, but ended up lethargic, so it is written now as I wake up.

So cheers... I have to go send off some resumes and watch some Tudors, as my power leveling service is no longer needed.

Cheers,

Chris.