Always Contradictory

I'm apathetic more often than not, cold, jaded, and uncaring. I don't hold much care in what the world does, how it does it, and what comes of events as they pass... But every now and then, my depression subsides, my darkness lights up, and I smile.

I think to myself, in these times, "Maybe life isn't so bad. There is still beauty in this world, as dark as it may seem."

New Years eve, I walked to Shaun's place for celebratory purposes, so that I was not alone. My darkness is always there, a silent passenger that pulls a shroud of misery over much that I do. Yet I couldn't help but stop by the lake as I walked, and admire the lights that adorned the trees for the season, could not help but stop and smile at the sky as fireworks were set off in a beautiful display of vibrant colors, clashing with the overcast night as snow fell around me.

It was a beautiful night, something to savor, where one could look and say... Life isn't so bad.

A new year comes, and another after that, and after that again. More time will pass.

I still sigh at the darkness I see in the world... Things I can do nothing about... My Uncle Maurice passing away, so suddenly... I can't do anything for that. I can't change time, or history, to suit my needs. If I could, I'd have kept myself single these past eight years, instead of walking into disaster after disaster after train wreck.

I'd also have given myself the winning lottery numbers.

Few things now make me smile... Only one of those things is man-made... Technically... and that is Maggie. Otherwise... The natural beauty of the world is really all I can smile at, and think to myself, "what perfection..."

That is, of course, rare in and of itself. However, that being said, it is there.

There's not much to update on... I'm keeping my head above water, and slowly coming into the shallows where I can stand up again. Instead of juggling partial payments and hoping to catch up all at once, I've resolved myself to ignoring one or two bills to catch up another, and then moving on to the next.

So far so good... Kind of. With luck I'll be caught up before March, and if luck is not with me... Well, Income Tax late february, early march, will do that for me.

I'll be 25 years old in four days. A quarter of a century. That should be a benchmark of some kind, I suppose. Should be. Still not sure what I'll do for it... If my sister calls, maybe dinner with her, if she doesn't, then will hang out at Shaun's place.... Again so that I am not alone.

If nothing else, suppose I am at least saving face in not being alone for events.

Cheers,

Chris.