Shattering

I'm beginning to fall apart, broken, shattered... and I'm not sure where the control is anymore. I don't know if it is in my hands, or if it is merely an illusion that I am struggling to make real.

The thoughts come more often, more insidious, and I can't help but think that there is no one I can turn to, no one I can confide in, and even as I think it, I know it isn't true. I know of several I CAN confide in, who would help me, keep me steady, and keep me on the right path.

The problem is, in order to confide in someone, you need something to confide. I don't know WHAT is wrong, or what is causing this. I can't think of why I have these thoughts, dark, impure, self-destructive thoughts... Things I've grown so used to over the years, they just seem to be stacking up and getting worse in the past few months.

No rhyme or reason, merely there, and stronger than at any time before.

I don't know what I expect to come of this, but clearing my mind, getting it out there, can sometimes help, even if I don't know what "it" is, or what "it" should be. I can't think clearly half the time of late.

I'm... I don't know... Battered? Broken? Rent asunder? I can't even describe what is happening inside my head, let alone what is happening outside of it.

I look around me... Friends suffering, and aside from a pat on the shoulder, a soft word of encouragement, I can't give them anything more, anything that they need. Sometimes I can't even give the pat and words... They are either as ruined as I am, or blind to my own plight. Hell, -I'm- blind to my own plight. I can't fathom, or work out, what I can't understand.

Maggie and I are done. There's something that burns. Though we were done months ago, when I told her I couldn't be her shoulder to cry on over her ex getting engaged. I fought for a second chance, for all the good it did me. I still love her, and always will, as I do Darcy, however the night she mocked me in speaking those words, was the last night I spoke them. The last time she'll ever hear them from me again. I've been avoiding her since...

Of course, if I thought she read my blog, I may not even mention this (except of course she has told me before that she won't read it unless I direct her to it)... So that being said... Yes, I've been avoiding her... Not the most difficult thing to do, as she is online perhaps once a week, if that. Not usually hard to find an excuse to leave her be, once I know she's still doing alright. Made easier with her going afk every 15 minutes for a smoke, too.

Broken upon the rocks of a shore comprised of the sins of the damned. I'm as damned as any, I suppose.

I met a girl on PoF... Another one perhaps like Jes. Who knows, if I can manage to stop acting the asshole, perhaps she could be a friend. *shrugs* Who knows anymore about anything, really? I know I've lost my head for it. Though gods know I try to claw my way out.

Not much else to tell... Not right now anyways...

Chris.