Time After Time

How long has it been since I've been in a gorean relationship? A relationship that actually extended towards my lifestyle of choice, a point of my mind, heart, and soul that yearns to be let loose, to be accepted and allowed to roam freely?

Years, I should think. Longer years than I care to recall. Mecca wasn't a gorean relationship, she was a D/s experiment perhaps, but hardly gorean. Dawn maybe? Over six years ago now. Then there was bobbi, which was before dawn.

Bobbi and Chrysalis were the last two girls I owned on a chain. A yin and yang contrast to each other, One brunette, one blonde, one sensual, one sexual, one a pain slut, one a sensory slut. Both with a use, both with issues.

They knew about each other, and though I treated both equally, it blew up because they knew each other, because both were jealous of the other and as such possessive of me. Wasn't that a fine pickle to put myself in... Typical of me though.

So it's been more than seven years since that happened, or near enough as to make little difference... And now, seven years later, I'm not even in the same position, and it is still being blown out of proportion as such.

Not sure how else to describe it, it is hardly something that is real in any other fashion than the mind that it was born in, however sometimes the mind that bore the darkness is the one that needs the light.

I tried to tell Chandra that erika and I are just friends. Yes, friends with benefits, but still, just friends. This should need no other explanation, as she has had several men in her life of the exact same nature.

Yet where with her, her fucking stephan, scening with Bart, fucking bad teeth guy, fucking stalker guy, fucking Matt, threesome with this person, sex with Donna, etc etc... All of this is apparently alright, with no repercussions involved at all. Yet if I do it, I'm suddenly the bad guy.

Of course, even with the backstory on it, is hardly of any use... I'm on prozzac, which is, quite bluntly, screwing with my libido in a bad way. The night Chandra got here, we played... Nothing extreme, some oral, and sadly that is it. Why was that it? Well, because there was no feeling below the waist. Oh, the goods were working, but the plumbing was clogged... Or some other euphemism about ejaculatory dysfunction. This has been ongoing for a week now. I can only hope the regulated use of my meds fix it. Originally, I was going to give it a second go... We had a power outage, and Erika was over (she's been sick for months, wanted to get out of the house and socialize and meet Chandra)... Well, I did the smart thing at first... two women, interested in both, avoid jealousy by taking the couch while they both had the bed.

Erika was overheated in the room, and came out to the living room. I poked and tickled her, teased her a bit, and... well, stuff happened. In my mind, there was going to be stuff happening there, then being taken into the bedroom for stuff to happen there. It would figure that it would backfire... Which is my relationship karma... Though I was a moron for it anyways. Chandra came out, saw us playing, and walked to her phone, then back to the bedroom. Can hardly fault her for the action, except of course that it was very out of character for her. I told erika to sleep and went into the room (the couch was killing my back, thus was the original plan to make sure erika didn't feel too neglected, then go into the room and fuck chandra)... But of course, chandra was all kinds of messed up.

Which led to her exposing feeling jealous over erika, like a third wheel because of the history between her and I, and blah fucking blah de blah.

Truth of the matter is... I like erika. Always have, but she's got other things on her mind. She has an english man twice her age that she wants to be with, and he's besotted with her and intent on visiting in october (was supposed to be june, but she was sick with tuberculosis).

I like chandra too, always have. She and I have a lot in common, above and beyond the lifestyle. With the exception of her atrocious taste in rap music. She may very well be the person I end spending my life with, assuming this can be moved past with minimal damage. Am I sexual? No, not overly... I expressed this already. I don't get horny very often, and even when I do, it tends to be soemthing there and gone. With prozzac... Hell, I don't even notice having an erection half the time until she gropes for it.

After a week, we've not had sex, we've scened several times, and I've left her marked rather deliciously. But sex? WIth me unable to feel my shaft from head down.... what is the point of stimulating it to contract the balls and get blue balled for the inevitable outcome of.. well... no cum?

She's not my normal... She smokes, and she's a BBW, she's also american (which is not my normal because I don't usually do long distance shit)... She's quitting smoking, or almost. She's down to four-five a day with me, and she is working on her weight and the like (and to be honest, she has a pretty face), and she prefers canada for everything but the cold, which means she is willing to move her in the future.

All of these things show a desire to change for the better, perhaps to be what I desire (though I know the weight thing bothers her too).

She has a pretty face, and her attributes are attractive. Of course, me saying, "it's not you, it's me" never gets anywhere aside from, "bullshit." alas... She's going to have to learn, casually flirting, playing, or fooling around with someone, doesn't mean there is a future there, be they a friend or otherwise. Though of course, the tact used in getting head from a girl while another is in the other room surely docks points too.

Bleh, I'm not asking for forgiveness, or even understanding, just venting before I pop from the bloody stress of it all.

The two of them need to sit down and talk, cuz seriously? They BOTH think they're the third wheel, and they BOTH are jealous of the other if maybe for different reasons... It's freakin' bizzare how a man can be in the middle of something he started when he never knew he was starting something to begin with!

Peace,

Chris