Hidden Shame

I'm sorry to say that you don't know me
I'm sad in ways you never understood
Each time I try to tell the ugly truth
You always let it pass you by
You said I 'd never tell you a lie
Just because I could
Did you really think I was a bad man?
You always said that that should be my middle name
But you don't know the half of it
You don't know how that name fits
You don't know my hidden shame

CHORUS
Hidden shame, shame, shame
That I can't get free
From the blame and the torture
And the misery
Must it be my secret for eternity?
Till you know my hidden shame you really don't know me

Well, there's a different kind of prison
And it don't even have to look much like a cell
It's already on your mind
Boy, we can see it in your eyes
So, here's the bars and walls as well

Well, you know I'm never coming home, babe
You said you'd stand by me until I cleared my name
Sure it's easy to be strong
When you know the charge is wrong
But the days and weeks get long
When you've got a hidden shame

CHORUS

I had a friend when I was just a boy
We were like brothers, we would run and hide
And we went walking on a high hillside
And I really don't how it happened
He turned to me and had this strange look in his eye
And not a single word was spoken
I must have pushed him, but I don't remember why
And all at once, he lay there broken
And I walked down without him and I didn't even sigh

CHORUS

They say you always hurt the one you love
And I'm not saying if I did or if I didn't
But like my shame, that kind of love is always hidden
They locked me up here for the ideas in my head
They never got me for the thing I really did

CHORUS

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Hidden Shame by Johnny Cash. I relate to it perhaps more than I should, for so many reasons, none of which I can really voice or set out there.

I've had a couple days to myself in the past week or so. What did I do with my time before she came here? Played WoW, read, watched tv. Except with her here now, all the shows I would watch, are ones we are both watching, thus I could hardly skip ahead (plus one of the series is one that I've seen the first season of already)... So I read more than anything, slept, worked out a business proposition... Not sure what else I could have done.

Chandra and I are progressing at an alarming rate. Almost as though there wasn't a huge gap in our communication and contact, as though we had been talking and friends all along, and that this was a natural progression.

Friends......

How many do I have? Do I really have any? Who in my life is a friend? Who is just an acquaintance, who is someone that is just "there" for lack of not wanting to be rude? I find myself asking these questions today, as my medication is running out of my system, and as opposed to suffering withdrawal, I'm instead starting to dive down into darker depths than I've been in in more than a month. One message from someone, offended by a joke, and I had to literally stop and breathe, before I simply said, "fine, good bye then." and removed them from my life. But even then, I think... Would it matter? Would he notice? Does it make a difference?

I thought... When is the last time we hung out? When is the last time we talked without you thinking you rather be elsewhere? When is the last time you called? When is the last time you showed up randomly just to say "hi"? What do we have in common? Do you tell people about me (this I think of, because if I call you friend, I can almost guarantee that my friends, my woman, even my family, have heard about you)? If I needed help to move, would you (I know I've helped when asked)? Am I someone you want around? Am I a friend? Am I an acquaintance? Or am I simply someone there of pure convenience when you are bored with everything else.

This has occured to me in the past. In fact, I was just a friend of convenience for Gerry, and his using me is why I cut him out of my life. Though I look at other people in my life, and wonder... "Are these people actually friends?"...

I have so few interests in life, so few hobbies, or things that I do for "fun"... I don't really play many games, I read when I can, I don't watch much tv... I talk. I randomly bullshit with people I DO call friend. I hang out with my girl, and I relax. I like to watch movies, shows, things that amuse me. I prefer comedy over other genres, because it's hard to be depressed when amusing things are happening. I have an obscene sense of humor oft-times, because the shock value of life is what amuses me, what makes me look at life and wonder "what next?"... I can't say my humor is perfect, in fact, for most people it is grotesque and uncalled for. However it is part of me.

I'm not sure who reads this, who doesn't, and who cares one way or another... But this is a part of me that exists. I'm not easy to get along with, I'm not the perfect friend, my charisma and my charm are both often lost in my superiority complex and ego. I'm not always a great person to have around... But when the chips are down, when it comes down to the nit and grit, in the moment of decision... If I've ever called you a friend... family... I would take a bullet for you, and I do this knowing in my heart and mind, you'd never do the same for me.

Cheers.