The last 24 hours.

So, now that I have my power up and running again, I can tell you exactly what has led to me not moving, and debating the utter destruction of something pretty.

Goth_koneko, myself, and a third vanilla friend, were supposed to get a place together, an apartment on the corner of anne and edgehill. Figured it'd fit us well enough, and that it was perfectly affordable. Except the third friend decided to procrastinate past the dead line, not hand in any paper work until way too late, and thus we lost the nice pretty three bedroom apartment on the 15th floor with affordable rent and included hydro... And access to booty.

That was last week. I'd been waiting to hear on it for over a month. So I ended up going head over heels, rushing hardcore to find somewhere else to move, since I gave notice I was moving back in July for this place.

So I hit up rooms for rent for reasonable cost, and found one up in letitia heights. Figured, sure... It's small, cozy, nice house, and the roommate is almost always gone. I'm game. Told him I'd move in today (thursday the 30th). He said that was fine, that he'd have it cleared out early week.

So I called the hydro company, told them I was moving, disconnect on the 1st. Then I called all my bill holders, told em to forward the mail, canceled what needed to be canceled, etc...

So started packing yesterday, got the boxes, booked the U-Haul, got help from a couple friends for today's big move to get it all over with. What happens? I'm woken up at 10am with no hydro. They cut it off two days early. Oops!

I'm thinking, "fine, whatever, I don't fucking care, not dealing with this shit today, I move tomorrow, and it will be fucking DONE." Had to go in to OW to get the intent to rent form and clear something up with my new worker...

Come home, start packing in the waning daylight, buy some candles, light them... And then..... At 8pm at night.... with us packing shit in the pitch black... I get a text message from my soon-to-be roommate, "Hey, sorry to say this, but I rented the room out to someone else. Sorry.".................... So he waited until the day BEFORE I'm scheduled to move in to tell me this.

So my immediate response was to call my land lord, tell them what had happened, ask if it's cool if I crash here another month (with increased rent)... He said it wasn't his call, had to clear it with the missus, who was out playing cards until midnight. Had to wait on that. Got the call around 11:45pm.

Yeah, sure she says... I can stay another month, no problem, if I need to stay longer, let them know. Oh! And a side note, Ken (the husband), has a plumber coming because your toilet is flooding the basement like a mother fucker. Yeah, we didn't want to tell you, figured we'd just fix it after you left. So yeah, he'll be by tomorrow or some such to check it out.

So he shows up at 10am, the place is in chaos because of me being ready to move this morning. He looks around, checks things, sees nothing wrong, but gives me hell for the place being in such disarray, and then bitches me out like the leak to the basement is MY fault. Cuz you know, I knew all about that despite the cellar being locked with a padlock and not having any access to it.

They couldn't get hydro back on until today, about an hour ago, and that was a fucking nightmare to sort out. I still need to change back my address to here for all my bills and well...

Right now the plumbers are working on the toilet to fix whatever the hell is wrong with it, and I'm ready to kill someone.

Yeah... That is the last 24 hours in a nutshell.

Disclaimer

Because I suppose I need one. I'm an asshole, conceited, I have a superiority complex, I'm a sanctimonious prick, I'm holier than thou, I like to think I know everything, I'm opinionated, I can come off as chauvinistic, I can act like I don't care... I am all of this and more, and in the end, I'm ok with it.

Because I'm also loyal, kind, caring, giving, always there to listen, always there to help a friend, always willing to do what I can to make things easier for someone, and almost always willing to help out.

I'm all of this and more. I always tell people to take me with a grain of salt, sometimes a whole box, because the truth of the matter is, I'm hard to get along with, and even harder to like. I don't do it intentionally, but over the years, the defensive mechanism, and the asshole factor, has just kind of built up to formulate this shield of impenetrable ego.

That being said. Take me with a grain of salt, if you have an issue, tell me, even if I act like I don't care, I assure you, I took it to heart, and you'll probably notice the change by the next time we meet. I'm adaptable, and that is where I like to think I excel. I'm an asshole and an egomaniac and a megalomaniac, until I find the proper balance with any given person.


I don't do things for myself, not solely. I prefer to think I'm helping others when I do something, making something easier for them, or putting them towards a goal.

The prime example of this is chandra's smoking. I was under the belief that SHE wanted to quit, not just for me (because kissing an ashtray is nasty), but because she wanted to be healthy, she wanted to be done with it, she didn't want that reliance there. Guess I was wrong.

I don't want to force life changing decisions on people, that isn't how I work, it isn't my style. I may manipulate, connive, and persuade... But I don't force. Forcing her to quit just for me, her wanting to quit just because it bothers me, because she wants to keep smoking, does nothing in the long run, it means the moment she is back home, she'll start smoking again until I come around, and then it starts from scratch all over again. Why bother?

Last night was amazing. It was a great night with great people in the community. I got to witness the level of play of other people, the way they use toys, various other toys, and meet various people of various levels in locally. I loved it.

I got to use a few new toys (an old butter churner-stick, and a horse sweat scrape), and got to see the marks coming up from them from just light play. Hoping to get another shot at it in the future with a lil more than the light stuff. I got to see a paddle, one side broken sea shells and the other side a spiked rubber... Warm up play caused blood. I was in utter awe of it. It looked rather fun.

I even got to see needle play, advanced needle play from someone else, and amateur needle play from someone in the same boat as I'm in, though a little more elaborate than I myself have done. I got to watch a sadist experience some of what he dishes out with a few needles in the arm, and it was fun.

The whole night was full of fun. I got to flog, beat, watch beatings, and just enjoy the social aspect. Of course, not being a smoker, and not being a pot smoker, I didn't get to socialize as much as other people, as the basis seemed to be "talk while outside smoking, or while upstairs toking, and play with some general quiet otherwise." Which can be a lil off putting.

I'm hoping for another shot at it, but that is all in time. I enjoyed last night, enjoyed it more than the play parties hosted here, because simply... It's more fun when it isn't your place.

Ah well... Just need to breathe, relax, and let it wash away. No cutting tonight.

Cheers.

Drama

I fucking hate drama. I used to love stress filled situations, thrived in them even. It was a thing that I could dive into head first and savor the chaos and hell that was being let loose all around me.

Now though? I fucking hate drama. I'm too old to be dealing with childish bullshit and concerns, petty complaints and issues, or the political drama of, "he said, she said, and she's avoiding him because, and he's mocking her because and and and..."

And who the FUCK cares?

If you have a problem, if you think there is an issue, deal with it. Up front and center, instead of bitching and moaning to anyone with an ear and dragging more people into something that is, quite simply, none of their business.

Drama doesn't come from "you did this and I didn't like it." it comes from, "HE did this and I didn't like it." when you drag other people into a mess, it becomes drama, a whole pile of shit that ends up stirring crap and stress and a major pain in everyone's ass, because EVENTUALLY someone is going to break, and when that happens, sometimes it's too late to shore up the leaks in the hull.

Where does that come from? It comes from learning a new friend who I have an attraction to, who shares my lifestyle and opinions of the world, it comes from figuring out where the two of us stand, and getting the proper setting between us. It comes from her not stepping up and saying what is on her mind. Which is great, fine for a slave, until she vents to someone else and that someone else comes to me, and I have to confront her (after 48 hours of her avoiding me), all to find out the drama was shit we had pretty much already discussed.

That being said... I fucking hate drama.

On another note, I may need to find a new place to live for a month or so, because Devon fucked up and decided to procrastinate on getting the needed information into the management at the apartment, which in turn left Erika and I fucked in the ass because now we may not get it, and the Superintendent is humming and hawing about an actual solution (which is to say giving us the three bedroom or finding us a two bedroom).

So that has made today rather shitty, I don't want to even be up, but the one thing worthwhile at this moment is chandra, and she's leaving in less than a month. Worse, is that I can't go with her, because of bills, problems, and so on so forth.

I'm keeping my head afloat, and once I move, things will get better, but until I move, things are complex and expensive.

I just need to wrap my head around too many things, it seems. I love the way the past week went, and can't wait for a future that is going to do the exact same thing for me, but at the same time, it's something to adapt to.

All in time, and there is a lot to go over and go through.

Cheers,

Chris.

W...o...w

Not WoW. Just... Wow.... Last night. I can't think of how to describe it. I've not done something like that since.... Since before I left the east coast.

Last night had a slow start, like a bar starting on a shallow slope before hitting the cliff. We woke up, I made apple pie (home made of course), some friends showed up, we went out with them to the mall.

At the mall, chandra went off shopping with one of the girls, I just kind of walked around and chatted with the other. I ended up getting a fedora. Been looking for a decent one since high school, now I have one. It actually looks good on me.

After the mall we hit up hooters for some food, cuz food is a good thing given our end destination for the night was going to be the bar. From hooters, we went to coffee. Coffee was a lot more fun than it normally is, a lot more conversation, more joking around and light hearted banter.

Turns out someone on fetlife is just trolling for a piece of ass... The fact he found it is a lil sad... But alas... She'll learn. It was funny to see how many women at the coffee shop meet that this guy has hit up. In fact, all of them -except- Polaris' girl, had at least one message from the guy.

Not the most subtle.

From coffee, we went to the bar for a couple hours. Decided to leave when the cops showed up, since two of us didn't have our id with them, and didn't feel like being carded despite appearances.

And then...?

Then we all came back here. More drinks, had some shots of rum, some SoCo, the ladies modeled some thongs in the bedroom for each other, while the guys got a feel for each other out in the living room. Established level of Dominance, comfort, relaxed, and got into the swing of what the dynamic was for the night.

I ended up on top of it all. A rarity as I usually take back seat out of choice, being laid back. However one of the two was inexperienced and new to the lifestyle, and the other was on a razor edge between Dom and sub... More someone who likes the control factor, than actually being -in- control. I had little issue with taking the lead, letting things go as they would. I had no expectations of last night.

I think having no expectations, is what made last night so close to heavenly. Four women, three men, three Doms, four submissives, all of them hot and into a good beating.

I got my hands on all of them at one point or another, with flogger and viper tongue, and paddle and cane. I got to tease, torment, and abuse so much delicious flesh last night, that the delirium of the evening didn't even set in until I -woke up- four hours later.

I was able to teach someone inexperienced the use of a flogger, the strike points and how to do it for least issue, wrap around, and most effect. I find it ironic that there was a work shop at CLV for that very thing on saturday, I didn't manage to go (was still passed out from the munch after party/gathering on friday), but knowing how helps a great deal in teaching another (which I do know how).

I'm a very egotistical person, I have a superiority complex etc etc... Nothing I've not made public knowledge a dozen times in the past. It is rare I'm flattered, rare I don't brush off compliments with a, "Yeah. I know, I'm just that awesome."... Last night was... I was actually flattered. I was speechless for some time, and couldn't respond with more than, "thanks....." Why? Because someone said, "I look at you and what you have, and you are what I wish I could be." Wow... I mean... With all my head fucks, issues, and self-worth (or lack there of) views.... I'd never think someone would -admire- what I am, who I am, and what I can do.

I was genuinely and honestly flattered.

So last night was one of the best nights I've had in a very very very very long time. Four sets of perfect, pert tits, four gorgeous asses to lash, four great necks to bite..... Was beyond worth it.

I had other things I wanted to post, about dreams, and spiders, and bizarre happenings in my mind... But after last night there's really only one thing rushing through my head.... When is the next time going to happen??? *grins*

Cheers,

Chris.

Bizarre

I never really notice how much I have to write about until I actually start writing, and when I do, it just kind of flows out, and before I know it, I have paragraphs written that didn't even exist in my mind when I started.

I've confirmed with my doctor and my pharmacy that my roommate can pick up my medication and mail it to me if I go to the states with Chandra, which is something I want to do. Which means Erika can mail my pills to me, this simplifies matters greatly for me.

As this has been figured out, over the past week or so, I've been horribly addicted to Pogo games. Monopoly to be exact. I've been playing it rather consistently, with computers, with people, with Chandra... Quite often, in between this she and I watch "our shows"... Which amounts to Leverage (which just ended), True Blood (ending next week), Lie to Me, Weeds, Sons of Anarchy, Criminal Minds... She's watching Bones now, and I may pick it up again when she catches up to me, though I lost most interest around season 4 or 5. Breaking Bad, though not often.... Among other movies.

I've become bored with world of warcraft, and most other video games. I read now and then, am at least getting back into that. I'm further sinking into the local community, and finding myself rather pleased with the insertion of those people into my life.

Admittedly, I see some of them, and though younger than me, I find them mirroring what I used to be like... At least in some ways. I look at one in particular, and see what she has done, is doing, and what she has experienced, and I find myself feeling slightly protective. Not so much because she needs to be protected, or that I am the protective type. More that she made a decision out of anger, and has experienced a great deal of backlash from it... I find people who are so shallow, pathetic, and immature as to thrive on berating a girl for a decision made in haste... to be sad and pathetic individuals. Is there not better things to do than harass a girl that is gone from that life and reflecting on her own experiences? Ah well... silly silly people.

I'm exhausted tonight, but am trying to stay awake in order to keep a semi-regulated schedule. I believe I'll read a chapter or two of my book before I pass out... Speaking of books, Book 12 of the wheel of time finally comes out in soft cover on the 28th of september, only for book 13 to come out in november. So end of september I'll FINALLY get my hands on the Gathering Storm, and be able to read it as I own it, and a month and change later, I'll have the next book taunting me. I may just say fuck it and buy the damned thing in hard cover. I want to read it all, there's only one more coming out after this.

I wrote a bit, a sample for someone that wants me to ghost write a chapter for them in a book. A combat scene. It flows so naturally, but I lose interest so quickly, which is one of the extremely bothersome things about me and writing. I need the block to vanish... It is the worst thing ever... Right above being told I'm depressed because I'm fat.

Ah well... Time to read, then sleep, then harass her when she comes to bed, then sleep more, then wake up, then get my hair cut, then try and find a meter/yard stick for the Munch gathering tomorrow night, then eat, then bake cookies for the munch, then go to the munch, then keep Sicx from drinking more than one, then enjoy myself... Those last two will probably be simultaneous, then come home, then beat Chandra in her school girl outfit, or rape her, or both, or neither, or... Well... whatever... Then sleep, and then wake up, then shop for grocery, then...er... well... that is going into saturday. I don't know what is happening saturday. There's a barbecue at an acquaintances place, but I really don't know if I want to bother to attend an event where the only people I know are rather condescending towards me. At the same time, there's a university course thing for kink stuff involving flogger play, so we may also attend that because, well, kink is fun, and even if I learn absolutely nothing from it, it will be a day out and will be entertaining. Of course, if we don't do the kink university thing, or even if we do, we'll get to see a movie or the like.

Anyways... Reading now.

Cheers,

Chris.

Memories

So here I am, at 9:30 in the morning, still awake and wondering why. Well, at least I have alcohol in me, so suppose that is a benefit. I didn't really intend to drink, but Chandra and I were playing around in bed, and she touched me at the base of my spine, just along my ass crack, teasing, and it triggered a memory.

My mind and body snapped into defensive position and I nearly had a panic attack as my mind flipped into a flash back that fucked with my heart rate and breathing. I had to try and focus, had to breathe to bring myself back, to get myself from there, back to here. She tried to console me, that it was just her, she was sorry, to come back out of my head... Not the easiest thing to do when such a thing happens. However I did of course pull out, eventually... And lay there staring at the ceiling for half an hour before I realized my heart was still beating much too rapidly, and determined that I needed a drink.

So two SoCo and coke later, I'm a lil more relaxed, a touch more steady, and think I'm ready to go back to bed. I figured I'd get some things off my mind before I did though... You know, since someone checks this journal often and wants me to write in it more. *winks*

Chandra wants me to go back to the states with her. She is pushing for me to get my passport as soon as possible, and get me down to Washington as quickly as possible to meet her friends, family, and give her social life the reboot she wants... I'm fine with that. Though things have been shaky here and there. We've argued more in the past four days than in the past month. It's not a bad thing, the arguments are still small and petty, something minor and minuscule compared to arguments I've had with others in the past...

But the tension is there, and it's not because of us spending so much time together... We get along great, whether we're playing on Pogo (which we both just got a year membership for cheap, a gift from her), or watching our shows, or even going out to a movie, coffee on tuesdays, the munch this friday... We get along perfectly. It's because I'm a social hermit. I don't have much interest in people, they don't/can't understand me, and because of my superiority complex, and extreme ego, plus my condescending nature (which is pretty bad, I know), people don't precisely... take... to me. Yes, I know this means I need an attitude adjustment, but that is far from easy after a decade of this attitude, and takes time either way to break old habits.

Of course, as per my last entry, my attitude probably comes from the fact I'm fat. If I lose weight, I'd be a better person *rolls eyes* fucking ignoramus.

So it is something I'm skeptical about, but am still willing to do, because it is for her, with her. It's something I would enjoy, and would have fun in the states with her. Of course there are complications... For one, my medication. For two my financial support through ontario works. Three, my way home after being there. Lot of lil things that add up.

I don't want to be negative, so I've been looking at the positive side of things, have been pushing my mind to see only the bright side, as opposed to the possibilities unspoken. So many possibilities and oddities that could utterly destroy everything... However, I don't intend to let them, don't want to see things change, not now. I'm actually somewhere I want to be for a change, with someone I want to be with.

Doubts aside... I still don't know how to respond to her serious discussions. I should know, of course... But it seems that telling her what she wants to hear is all I offer. Strangely, what she wants to hear, is what I'm saying because that is the thought in my head at the given time. I'm at a stage in my life, perhaps due to my past, my depression, or something else inside me, that I prefer to go for the path of least resistance. I don't want to fight, or argue, or push through the brambles and barriers of a complex labyrinth of debates and decisions. I want to take the decision that offers the least complications, and the fewest consequences. Perhaps that's cowardly of me, but lets be fair here... I tried to kill myself a year ago. I'm pretty sure "coward" would be an apt description at times.

So she and I should be returning the ghetto fan we bought from zellers, with any luck we'll get a lil shopping done today, if not shopping today, we may check out the tattoo parlor on the east end that her pedicurist mentioned to her. We shall see what we shall see. I need to make a call before I go back to sleep, so am gonna go do that now before I forget.

Cheers,

Chris.

Morning... ugh

So as I sit here at 7:30am... With a bowl of cereal, and her asleep... I find myself thinking I'm lucky...

She may not be a super model, but she's smart, funny, and we have a lot in common. We get along great almost all the time, and even our arguments are far from extreme... Mostly petty things that I'm over even before the argument is done.

So after waiting a month and a half for a referral with a shrink to help with my depression... I finally got my appointment. He was so professional that his office was in the mall, he didn't have a receptionist, and he shouted for me to come in from the back room.

I should have taken a hint at this point that one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong... But I figured, my doc trusted this guy for me to see him, I should respect that and give it a chance.

His diagnosis? I'm bipolar. I'm bipolar because I'm fat. If I exercised and worked out, and was more active and weighed less, my depression would magically vanish.

Huh... You don't say? Really? Your professional opinion is that the chemical imbalance in my brain is because I'm FAT. Because when I was 13 and weighed in at 120 and fit, I was depressed... Why? Because I was fucking THIN??

Some part of me should be pleased that he didn't just ask me a bunch of pointless questions over and over again to try and text book my mind... But I'm not pleased at all. Am I overweight? Yes. Am I extremely obese? No.

My depression is a part of me that is broken... It needs to be corrected, it needs to find a fix. Maybe a more active lifestyle is a good start for it, but it is hardly the end of it. Someone to talk to, to work my problems out with, medication to balance the chemicals, among many other things, would all be steps towards correcting this. But no... I'm depressed cuz I'm fat.

That being said... I'd not be surprised that he's in a mall office without a receptionist because after experiencing a diagnosis from him, they went home and actually KILLED themselves. "I'm sorry, miss, your post-natal depression is because you're a lard ass from the baby. Lose the weight, you'll be so much happier despite your stillborn child."... "I know you lost your job, and things may seem hopeless, but lets face it, you lost your job because your fat and ugly, lose some weight and get a face lift and try again. You'll be happier!"

Yes... It irks me... What's your point?

As time goes by, I look at those I know, those who I call friend, and those who call me friend. I think of those I hang out with regularly, and those I speak with rarely... Those I WANT to hang around, and those I'm indifferent to one way or another.

Erika, Neal, Shaun fall into the category of those I want to be around, but rarely get the chance. Of course, despite this, I know at least one of the list is indifferent to my presence. Either way, that I've been in this city for 8 years, and can only name three people I like with conviction? That tells me there is little here for me.

With that in mind, I've begun the 2 year plan to move to the west coast. I can name three people in barrie worth staying for. One of which wouldn't care. I can name two people on the west coast worth being around, both of which feel the same way. Plus the west coast gives me Chandra... And in it's own weird way, would give me a family (her's)... So there are benefits to being out there, as opposed to here. It's just... Complicated. I call it a two year plan, but if I can make it sooner, I will. I just won't hold my breathe for it to work out sooner.

I'm going to try and sleep now, because sleep is what I should have been doing three hours ago when I laid down to rest.

Cheers,

Chris.