Disclaimer

Because I suppose I need one. I'm an asshole, conceited, I have a superiority complex, I'm a sanctimonious prick, I'm holier than thou, I like to think I know everything, I'm opinionated, I can come off as chauvinistic, I can act like I don't care... I am all of this and more, and in the end, I'm ok with it.

Because I'm also loyal, kind, caring, giving, always there to listen, always there to help a friend, always willing to do what I can to make things easier for someone, and almost always willing to help out.

I'm all of this and more. I always tell people to take me with a grain of salt, sometimes a whole box, because the truth of the matter is, I'm hard to get along with, and even harder to like. I don't do it intentionally, but over the years, the defensive mechanism, and the asshole factor, has just kind of built up to formulate this shield of impenetrable ego.

That being said. Take me with a grain of salt, if you have an issue, tell me, even if I act like I don't care, I assure you, I took it to heart, and you'll probably notice the change by the next time we meet. I'm adaptable, and that is where I like to think I excel. I'm an asshole and an egomaniac and a megalomaniac, until I find the proper balance with any given person.


I don't do things for myself, not solely. I prefer to think I'm helping others when I do something, making something easier for them, or putting them towards a goal.

The prime example of this is chandra's smoking. I was under the belief that SHE wanted to quit, not just for me (because kissing an ashtray is nasty), but because she wanted to be healthy, she wanted to be done with it, she didn't want that reliance there. Guess I was wrong.

I don't want to force life changing decisions on people, that isn't how I work, it isn't my style. I may manipulate, connive, and persuade... But I don't force. Forcing her to quit just for me, her wanting to quit just because it bothers me, because she wants to keep smoking, does nothing in the long run, it means the moment she is back home, she'll start smoking again until I come around, and then it starts from scratch all over again. Why bother?

Last night was amazing. It was a great night with great people in the community. I got to witness the level of play of other people, the way they use toys, various other toys, and meet various people of various levels in locally. I loved it.

I got to use a few new toys (an old butter churner-stick, and a horse sweat scrape), and got to see the marks coming up from them from just light play. Hoping to get another shot at it in the future with a lil more than the light stuff. I got to see a paddle, one side broken sea shells and the other side a spiked rubber... Warm up play caused blood. I was in utter awe of it. It looked rather fun.

I even got to see needle play, advanced needle play from someone else, and amateur needle play from someone in the same boat as I'm in, though a little more elaborate than I myself have done. I got to watch a sadist experience some of what he dishes out with a few needles in the arm, and it was fun.

The whole night was full of fun. I got to flog, beat, watch beatings, and just enjoy the social aspect. Of course, not being a smoker, and not being a pot smoker, I didn't get to socialize as much as other people, as the basis seemed to be "talk while outside smoking, or while upstairs toking, and play with some general quiet otherwise." Which can be a lil off putting.

I'm hoping for another shot at it, but that is all in time. I enjoyed last night, enjoyed it more than the play parties hosted here, because simply... It's more fun when it isn't your place.

Ah well... Just need to breathe, relax, and let it wash away. No cutting tonight.

Cheers.