Memories

So here I am, at 9:30 in the morning, still awake and wondering why. Well, at least I have alcohol in me, so suppose that is a benefit. I didn't really intend to drink, but Chandra and I were playing around in bed, and she touched me at the base of my spine, just along my ass crack, teasing, and it triggered a memory.

My mind and body snapped into defensive position and I nearly had a panic attack as my mind flipped into a flash back that fucked with my heart rate and breathing. I had to try and focus, had to breathe to bring myself back, to get myself from there, back to here. She tried to console me, that it was just her, she was sorry, to come back out of my head... Not the easiest thing to do when such a thing happens. However I did of course pull out, eventually... And lay there staring at the ceiling for half an hour before I realized my heart was still beating much too rapidly, and determined that I needed a drink.

So two SoCo and coke later, I'm a lil more relaxed, a touch more steady, and think I'm ready to go back to bed. I figured I'd get some things off my mind before I did though... You know, since someone checks this journal often and wants me to write in it more. *winks*

Chandra wants me to go back to the states with her. She is pushing for me to get my passport as soon as possible, and get me down to Washington as quickly as possible to meet her friends, family, and give her social life the reboot she wants... I'm fine with that. Though things have been shaky here and there. We've argued more in the past four days than in the past month. It's not a bad thing, the arguments are still small and petty, something minor and minuscule compared to arguments I've had with others in the past...

But the tension is there, and it's not because of us spending so much time together... We get along great, whether we're playing on Pogo (which we both just got a year membership for cheap, a gift from her), or watching our shows, or even going out to a movie, coffee on tuesdays, the munch this friday... We get along perfectly. It's because I'm a social hermit. I don't have much interest in people, they don't/can't understand me, and because of my superiority complex, and extreme ego, plus my condescending nature (which is pretty bad, I know), people don't precisely... take... to me. Yes, I know this means I need an attitude adjustment, but that is far from easy after a decade of this attitude, and takes time either way to break old habits.

Of course, as per my last entry, my attitude probably comes from the fact I'm fat. If I lose weight, I'd be a better person *rolls eyes* fucking ignoramus.

So it is something I'm skeptical about, but am still willing to do, because it is for her, with her. It's something I would enjoy, and would have fun in the states with her. Of course there are complications... For one, my medication. For two my financial support through ontario works. Three, my way home after being there. Lot of lil things that add up.

I don't want to be negative, so I've been looking at the positive side of things, have been pushing my mind to see only the bright side, as opposed to the possibilities unspoken. So many possibilities and oddities that could utterly destroy everything... However, I don't intend to let them, don't want to see things change, not now. I'm actually somewhere I want to be for a change, with someone I want to be with.

Doubts aside... I still don't know how to respond to her serious discussions. I should know, of course... But it seems that telling her what she wants to hear is all I offer. Strangely, what she wants to hear, is what I'm saying because that is the thought in my head at the given time. I'm at a stage in my life, perhaps due to my past, my depression, or something else inside me, that I prefer to go for the path of least resistance. I don't want to fight, or argue, or push through the brambles and barriers of a complex labyrinth of debates and decisions. I want to take the decision that offers the least complications, and the fewest consequences. Perhaps that's cowardly of me, but lets be fair here... I tried to kill myself a year ago. I'm pretty sure "coward" would be an apt description at times.

So she and I should be returning the ghetto fan we bought from zellers, with any luck we'll get a lil shopping done today, if not shopping today, we may check out the tattoo parlor on the east end that her pedicurist mentioned to her. We shall see what we shall see. I need to make a call before I go back to sleep, so am gonna go do that now before I forget.

Cheers,

Chris.