Cruelty Without Cause

I know, one should not inflict suffering upon others without a true cause to back it up. Without a reason for the suffering.

I'm not one. I'm me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I pride myself in being an asshole, and more so, pride myself in my ability to alienate people when they no longer suit my need or purposes.

This of course doesn't necessarily mean that what I do is done because I don't want people around, nor even that they deserve it, but I like to see how many buttons I can push before someone walks away. When someone is merely an option, why not test the levels of that option?

I remember something about not letting someone be a priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs. But what do you do when everyone is an option in your life? With very few exceptions anyways... Chandra is obviously a priority.

But the puppet is an option, was an option, is? was? Whatever.... I guess I'll know if she comes crawling back for more. I was far from kind to her today. I was actually surprised she even showed up today, wanting to play. I was more shocked when she didn't say she never wanted to see me again after the play. Though of course calling someone immature, stupid, narcissistic, and worthless, can have varying degrees of affect on a person.

Personally, it was satisfying to me, to do the reality bitch slap. I tend to be good at those. Though she is so lost in her own little world, she likes to deny that anything I said was true.

Cass.... Now there's something that confuses me as much as it intrigues me. She's submissive, but likes to be in control of her environment and take advantage of those weaker... Such a thing is what brands a "Switch" in the lifestyle. People who are weak themselves, but like to torment the weaker. It doesn't make them dominant, just makes them strong willed.

I know there can be argument for it on either side, and though I am open to learning and being corrected in many things, my opinion of the Switch in the BDSM lifestyle, is something I am closed on. I have my views, and they've yet to be proven wrong to me, and I don't care if someone thought it was. Yes, I'm being a bit of a hypocrite... Shut up.

Anyways! Cass... She is an intelligent woman, and a great conversationalist. She makes delicious sounds when tormented, and there are ways I can break her down into small pieces and built her back up, that I just can't do with another. She's so into actually exploring her borders, that she has none right now. Further, she has a true slave's soul. She gleans pleasure from my pleasure, even if my pleasure is gleaned from her misery.

That is something she would probably try to deny, but I've been around the block enough to know what I'm looking at.

She believes I need her, and she believes she needs me. She is hunting for validation within my existence, that she and I may be two halves of a different whole. She knows my standpoint with chandra, she knows my opinion of other play partners, and she accepts all of this.

Sadly, she is wrong on my need for her. I can find someone to beat the ass of almost anywhere in this city. I can find plenty of play partners from extremists to sensation players... I can get anything from simple play to sex and back without near the effort I'd have had to put in even a year ago.

I have no issues with having her around, the play is enjoyable, the conversation unique, and the depth of philosophical and spiritual understanding is sublime. None of this equates to need, merely interest. I may have a void within me, and I may be trying to fill it, but I hardly need anyone to fill it for me, no one -can- fill it for me except one. And she is in the states right now with family.

The house hunt failed. Everything has collapsed on us and around us, so we have a two bedroom we are moving into, the three of us. It will make it cheap, puts dani on the couch, or in Brig's room... We'll winter there and look for a place around february or march. Sadly, it determines my plans for the winter in saving money and preparing for a second move. Which irritates me to no end.

One thing leads to another, and there is always a fall back plan, but sometimes, the fall back plan doesn't work the way you want it to... I'll live though.

Cheers,

Chris.

When it rains, it pours

So less than a week to go for myself to find a new place to live. The hunt actually is going decently.

That aside, things have, as they always do, complicated themselves. Something that I of course brought upon myself. I am not complaining, merely laying it out there because I can, because I want to, because if I don't, I'm going to slam someone's thick skull against a bed of concrete repetitively until they stop struggling.

ANYWAYS

So I have my heart... Who I talk to on the phone, whom I spent four perfect months with, who is a part of my soul and being and will always be there with me, for me, and close to me. That is chandra, she is my all... As hard as that is to admit at times, I love her more than life and death.

My puppet... a play partner who enjoys to be moved and used as a puppet. She has a fantastic body, perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box, but the way she looks makes up for it... And she can still be interesting despite that. This however, is a chapter that seems about to close, literally, as I type.

A new play partner. A unique woman, cass.... Introduced to me via another friend. Someone who is in barrie every other week, and looking to explore the darker sides of her mind. I am of course an ideal person for such explorations. My mind, my skills, and my interests are unique in that aspect, and always lend themselves to the more extreme.

Notso... My sweet little extreme masochist. A friend only, and not really mine, but so much fun to play with. She squirms, moans, and whimpers... And then the warm up finishes and she becomes a girl with attitude. Snarky, witty, and very funny. Beating her is a pleasure on so many levels. I can watch color bloom in her ass, her thighs, her back, I can watch the blood break towards the surface, I can watch the look on her face as she cries out with each strike, and I can laugh my ass off as she makes nonsensical comments, spins around to poke the air where I was moments before, and curses me out. Play with notso is a joy to behold, and actually makes me work for it.

There are others in my life, others whom I'm involved with, who I play with, tease, torment, flirt with, work around, teach, mentor, protect.

However, something that everyone seems to miss, is the priorities in my life. My well being (not physical, but financial and a place to live) is my top priority. My brat, the woman who has changed my life, is my next top priority. I am my third priority. Under that is a jumble of, literally, everyone else.

If I play with you, if I call you friend, if I speak with you, if we interact regularly, you are not a priority in my life, you are an option. The level of that option differs from person to person, never think you are inconsequential, but please, don't think I love you, or care about you, or need you.

I am who I am because of where I have been, what I have done, and who I have encountered. There are entire chapters in my life, of people I knew, was involved with, and who were in my life, that have simply been -cut out- of my existence. My MSN list, until these past two months, was under twenty people. Five years ago, my MSN list had over 300 people.

I will cut people from my life if they become a bad influence, if they show themselves to be unworthy, if they simply try and use me, if they become two faced, if they see me as a passing fancy... After all, if I'm a minor option in their life, and they in mine, why continue the farce?

I have, and will do this if it becomes necessary. Gerry owes me over $200, money I will never see because of his disrespectful attitude. Him, I cared for. I bent over backwards for him, and did all I could whenever I could to make life easier for him, because I loved him as I would a brother. His response to this was to use me, to abuse my kindness, and to fuck me over at his earliest convenience. He was cut from my life, and is barely a passing thought except of earlier memories.

That being said... being slighted is not something I worry about, being left out of plans, or intentionally being told, "no" does not bother me. There is a WhiteWolf game run on tuesday nights that I was once part of, but the general consensus was my removal. Despite these people calling me "friend" and speaking behind my back, I walked away without worry. I am not insulted, bothered, or concerned with it, it merely happens.

When plans are laid out though, a week in advance, and those plans end up cancelled, shifted away from what they should be, and those involved make new plans, without so much as a "sorry, you're not welcome to this event." that bothers me.

Why make plans if you intend to change the invited parties, and the location? Why bother in the beginning? And why hold such disregard and lack of respect for a person that was involved to not even tell them they are being cut out? I'd have been fine with that, but to have it done around me, and to then have it thrown in my face? Does not make for a happy Man.

So I let them go. I cannot play with someone who would show such a lack of respect, and such small regard for someone they claim to respect themselves. I can be friends with almost anyone, it doesn't take much to stomach the presence of someone of lower intelligence, or inferior appearace, or subpar wit in order to stave off loneliness, but it takes at least respect to be intimate with someone with play.

So I let the strings of the puppet go. She'll not have an issue in finding someone else to pick them up, I'm sure. But it will not be me.

Cheers,

Chris.

SNAFU

Situation normal... All fucked up.

She's been gone just under a week now, and I've kept looking here, thinking I should post, that there's something to be said, something I should say, something that is inside of me requiring release... But it seems every time I have looked to here for an outlet, I find my mind going blank.

I miss her, and want her back in my arms, back at my feet, back in my bed, back with me. Back here. No matter what I do, it is merely a distraction, and not even necessarily a good distraction. Not necessarily a bad one either, just depends on what it is.

I still need to find a place to live. And myself another another lifestyler found a great place for the two of us, but then two more people need a place, so now we are looking for a townhouse for the four of us. Of course, there's a fifth person too that -just- got to the point of needing a place to stay too, so I hav no idea what is happening there. She seems to be taken care of though, and she's greatly liked in the community.

I've been keeping myself distracted. I've read more in the past week than I have in the past three months. I've ripped through two books, and am more than halfway through a third. I've viewed four apartments, none of which are worth a second glance, and now I leave it to Brig to find the place, as he's evidently come up with a rental agent to aid in things.

I've found a new play partner, though play is all it is, if that, at times. I sometimes find myself trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about where I am, and where I'm going. It's not always noticeable, but sometimes my voice gets distant... She says it sounds sad. I'm broken, I know this, and accept it. There are things in my mind that I can't always stop, or smother with false bravado and fake confidence.

Though I do try, rather valiantly, at times, to do just that. I've noticed people looking to me with respect in seeing how I can play, how I am, and I'm glad for that, I like having that respect, being seen as someone who -can- do these things with an equal measure of others around me.

I'm still learning, though. Rope play especially, it seems fun to me, but my rope is limited (5 10' lengths and 1 50' length)... But I'm getting there bit by bit.

I never let things bother me, when they start to, I lose myself in my mind, in the darkness, until I lose the offending statement, action, or situation, and then I come out refreshed and fine. To be told I'm not attractive compared to someone else, that I'm second to that person they just met... Stings. But I can lose it in the darkness like so many other things.

To know that I'm alone without my heart while she's back in the states, hurts like a knife in the heart... But I can still lose it in the darkness no matter how many times it creeps up on me; and by the gods it creeps up a lot.

I can take things in stride, let them come and go and stay and leave at their leisure. I can almost always work through my issues with a level head and clear logical thought. But in the end, it comes down to the same thing. I'm distracting myself, in various manners, and there is no heart in what I do, because it left on a plane five days ago and I won't see my heart until I can go to the states, or april.

Such is life, and I'm not looking for pity. This is who I am, and if you've read this journal long, you know where my venting comes from, and where it goes.

Cheers,

Chris.