SNAFU

Situation normal... All fucked up.

She's been gone just under a week now, and I've kept looking here, thinking I should post, that there's something to be said, something I should say, something that is inside of me requiring release... But it seems every time I have looked to here for an outlet, I find my mind going blank.

I miss her, and want her back in my arms, back at my feet, back in my bed, back with me. Back here. No matter what I do, it is merely a distraction, and not even necessarily a good distraction. Not necessarily a bad one either, just depends on what it is.

I still need to find a place to live. And myself another another lifestyler found a great place for the two of us, but then two more people need a place, so now we are looking for a townhouse for the four of us. Of course, there's a fifth person too that -just- got to the point of needing a place to stay too, so I hav no idea what is happening there. She seems to be taken care of though, and she's greatly liked in the community.

I've been keeping myself distracted. I've read more in the past week than I have in the past three months. I've ripped through two books, and am more than halfway through a third. I've viewed four apartments, none of which are worth a second glance, and now I leave it to Brig to find the place, as he's evidently come up with a rental agent to aid in things.

I've found a new play partner, though play is all it is, if that, at times. I sometimes find myself trapped in my own thoughts, thinking about where I am, and where I'm going. It's not always noticeable, but sometimes my voice gets distant... She says it sounds sad. I'm broken, I know this, and accept it. There are things in my mind that I can't always stop, or smother with false bravado and fake confidence.

Though I do try, rather valiantly, at times, to do just that. I've noticed people looking to me with respect in seeing how I can play, how I am, and I'm glad for that, I like having that respect, being seen as someone who -can- do these things with an equal measure of others around me.

I'm still learning, though. Rope play especially, it seems fun to me, but my rope is limited (5 10' lengths and 1 50' length)... But I'm getting there bit by bit.

I never let things bother me, when they start to, I lose myself in my mind, in the darkness, until I lose the offending statement, action, or situation, and then I come out refreshed and fine. To be told I'm not attractive compared to someone else, that I'm second to that person they just met... Stings. But I can lose it in the darkness like so many other things.

To know that I'm alone without my heart while she's back in the states, hurts like a knife in the heart... But I can still lose it in the darkness no matter how many times it creeps up on me; and by the gods it creeps up a lot.

I can take things in stride, let them come and go and stay and leave at their leisure. I can almost always work through my issues with a level head and clear logical thought. But in the end, it comes down to the same thing. I'm distracting myself, in various manners, and there is no heart in what I do, because it left on a plane five days ago and I won't see my heart until I can go to the states, or april.

Such is life, and I'm not looking for pity. This is who I am, and if you've read this journal long, you know where my venting comes from, and where it goes.

Cheers,

Chris.