When it rains, it pours

So less than a week to go for myself to find a new place to live. The hunt actually is going decently.

That aside, things have, as they always do, complicated themselves. Something that I of course brought upon myself. I am not complaining, merely laying it out there because I can, because I want to, because if I don't, I'm going to slam someone's thick skull against a bed of concrete repetitively until they stop struggling.

ANYWAYS

So I have my heart... Who I talk to on the phone, whom I spent four perfect months with, who is a part of my soul and being and will always be there with me, for me, and close to me. That is chandra, she is my all... As hard as that is to admit at times, I love her more than life and death.

My puppet... a play partner who enjoys to be moved and used as a puppet. She has a fantastic body, perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box, but the way she looks makes up for it... And she can still be interesting despite that. This however, is a chapter that seems about to close, literally, as I type.

A new play partner. A unique woman, cass.... Introduced to me via another friend. Someone who is in barrie every other week, and looking to explore the darker sides of her mind. I am of course an ideal person for such explorations. My mind, my skills, and my interests are unique in that aspect, and always lend themselves to the more extreme.

Notso... My sweet little extreme masochist. A friend only, and not really mine, but so much fun to play with. She squirms, moans, and whimpers... And then the warm up finishes and she becomes a girl with attitude. Snarky, witty, and very funny. Beating her is a pleasure on so many levels. I can watch color bloom in her ass, her thighs, her back, I can watch the blood break towards the surface, I can watch the look on her face as she cries out with each strike, and I can laugh my ass off as she makes nonsensical comments, spins around to poke the air where I was moments before, and curses me out. Play with notso is a joy to behold, and actually makes me work for it.

There are others in my life, others whom I'm involved with, who I play with, tease, torment, flirt with, work around, teach, mentor, protect.

However, something that everyone seems to miss, is the priorities in my life. My well being (not physical, but financial and a place to live) is my top priority. My brat, the woman who has changed my life, is my next top priority. I am my third priority. Under that is a jumble of, literally, everyone else.

If I play with you, if I call you friend, if I speak with you, if we interact regularly, you are not a priority in my life, you are an option. The level of that option differs from person to person, never think you are inconsequential, but please, don't think I love you, or care about you, or need you.

I am who I am because of where I have been, what I have done, and who I have encountered. There are entire chapters in my life, of people I knew, was involved with, and who were in my life, that have simply been -cut out- of my existence. My MSN list, until these past two months, was under twenty people. Five years ago, my MSN list had over 300 people.

I will cut people from my life if they become a bad influence, if they show themselves to be unworthy, if they simply try and use me, if they become two faced, if they see me as a passing fancy... After all, if I'm a minor option in their life, and they in mine, why continue the farce?

I have, and will do this if it becomes necessary. Gerry owes me over $200, money I will never see because of his disrespectful attitude. Him, I cared for. I bent over backwards for him, and did all I could whenever I could to make life easier for him, because I loved him as I would a brother. His response to this was to use me, to abuse my kindness, and to fuck me over at his earliest convenience. He was cut from my life, and is barely a passing thought except of earlier memories.

That being said... being slighted is not something I worry about, being left out of plans, or intentionally being told, "no" does not bother me. There is a WhiteWolf game run on tuesday nights that I was once part of, but the general consensus was my removal. Despite these people calling me "friend" and speaking behind my back, I walked away without worry. I am not insulted, bothered, or concerned with it, it merely happens.

When plans are laid out though, a week in advance, and those plans end up cancelled, shifted away from what they should be, and those involved make new plans, without so much as a "sorry, you're not welcome to this event." that bothers me.

Why make plans if you intend to change the invited parties, and the location? Why bother in the beginning? And why hold such disregard and lack of respect for a person that was involved to not even tell them they are being cut out? I'd have been fine with that, but to have it done around me, and to then have it thrown in my face? Does not make for a happy Man.

So I let them go. I cannot play with someone who would show such a lack of respect, and such small regard for someone they claim to respect themselves. I can be friends with almost anyone, it doesn't take much to stomach the presence of someone of lower intelligence, or inferior appearace, or subpar wit in order to stave off loneliness, but it takes at least respect to be intimate with someone with play.

So I let the strings of the puppet go. She'll not have an issue in finding someone else to pick them up, I'm sure. But it will not be me.

Cheers,

Chris.