And they're gonna get high high high when they're low low low

the fire burns from better days
and she screams why why why
and I say I don't know....

So here I sit, late at night, looking at my monitor, listening to green day, with my bedroom door open so Dani can enjoy the music as well.

She's all bent up out of shape because of what is going on with Brig... She loves him, he doesn't love her, or at least doesn't show it, and it causes her pain, him amusement, and me no end of issues since he takes advantage of the situation.

My monthly coffee fund vanished last night. Which is to say, the money I was going to have on hand so I could go into barrie on Tuesdays and meet with my friends, enjoy the company and socializing. However, such visits into barrie mean I need to split the gas (or more accurately, pay the majority of it), and that means $20 or so per trip.

Last night, Brigham decided he wanted to go to the Drive-in. I figured, "Ok, sure. Why not, he's going anyways." And went with him and dani. He decided as we got there, that since he treated last time we went (which was a cheap night per car load), that I would treat this time around. I thought, "alright, I suppose I can do that." not knowing the cost of it. So he spends $30 to get in.

I paid it, with no complaint. No point complaining anyways... The movies were decent. Arthur, Paul, and Your Highness... The last of them was hilarious. On the way home, he pulls into the gas station and tells me I'm paying for it. $60 in gas.

So... What WAS going to be a quiet night in, with Game of Thrones and Nikita... Turned into a $100 night out with severe back pain and uncomfortable positioning. $100 when I need to pay bills still, and after Brigham took $250 from me for the party on friday, and took another $100 the week previous for groceries that he never even bought.

There's a hole in my wallet, and it siphons directly into Brigham's pocket.

And then he acts surprised and disappointed when I tell him I can't afford to go to coffee. I wonder why? Probably because if I don't go to coffee with him and dani, it means he actually has to pay for the gas, instead of making me do it.

I'm at a loss. I've said it before.. But every time I seem to catch up, I end up falling back on my ass with a shocked look on my face wondering what the hell just hit me.
---------

Rift is still fun, but losing it's appeal as I find the end game to be just as wanting as it is in WoW, and the game itself is rather lacking in re-play value. I have three characters, one at endgame, and two near the beginning, still in the starting zone, but it is already seeming repetitive. There's no diversity yet, nothing to make it worth the time to play through a second time for a second 50. Less so because my first character, a Cleric, has the spec'ing capability for healing, ranged dps, melee dps, or tanking.... And four specs available to it to actually open up -all- of those (assuming you never want to solo, or solo with one of the above specs).

So I go in, do my dailies, and otherwise haven't done much with it. I read a little before bed, watch some shows, and that is about it.
----

The party on friday was fun. The play was more intense than the one previous, and as usual I was the Dungeon Master supervising.. Which meant I got stuck in one place for over eight hours of a party. Standing up the whole time. Talk about draining... My feet were killing me by the end of the night. And of course, end of the night is when I get my chance to play... Which I had two scenes... One with someone new to the lifestyle that I just got in touch with, whom is an interesting woman worth getting to know. Married, mind you, but open to experimentation, though her husband is vanilla.

Brigham wants to do shifts for the next party, so that he has some time as the DM as well. Most of me doesn't like this idea. I don't trust him as a DM. He's inexperienced, he has little knowledge, and I just don't trust him in general. A small part of me, wants to jump all over it, so that I can either play myself, or actually be upstairs socializing with other people, instead of being tethered to one part of the household for the whole night.

So instead of trusting him, I'm going to have to trust the trending of the party. Which has been consensual, experienced players, who don't really need the supervision. It's there though to provide that aura of safety for it all. I'm unobtrusive, I facilitate play as I can, and it works out well.

Brigham has been getting into the habit of bringing women over. As a social event, but he then goes into the basement with them for play. This has only happened twice so far, but evidently it is aiming to happen again this week. He never asks me for the use of my tools, merely assumes I'll be ok with it, or maybe he just doesn't give a shit if I'm ok with it or not. I am prone to lean towards the latter. So tonight I took all my toys up into my room. It may seem petty, but the man charges me for gas for -him- to go to the drive-in, and then expects me to do HIM favors? Really? Not anymore.
-------

I've started looking online for correspondence courses. I've recently been reminded how much I enjoy teaching. I've found a GED online correspondence that costs $1000. Which may be expensive, but there's not a lot else I can think of to do for it. It will get me my diploma, and get me on the road to perhaps becoming an actual Teacher... Maybe for history, or English... Or Math... Or... I don't know. But it's SOMETHING, right? Just a start, which is more than I have now.

I don't know if I want to start it now, or wait until I'm out of here and into a more stable financial situation. One may have offered it's potential. However it isn't something to jump on yet, it will take time to cultivate, work into, and let a comfort level bloom before I broach it as a serious thing. I don't like the thought of moving further away from Barrie. I'm already too far from it... My doctor is there, many of my friends are there (what few I have), and my connections to my old life are there.

However as a temporary stop gap, something to recover with... It's viable. Just not viable yet.

Things are going to take time to work out. But I'm getting closer to working them out now than I was two months ago. I won't winter here again. Which isn't saying much, I suppose, since it leaves 7 months that I may be stuck here without breaking that word. I don't want to be here for the whole fall, I want to be gone before Dani starts school in the fall. Which is still five months out.

Time is all I can ask for right now. I will see what happens, as there is nothing else I can do.

Cheers,

Chris.

Stalkers and Debt

One step forward, three steps back, it seems. Always seems that way.

I understand that this journal tends to be 1 part good to 4 parts bitching. However it's supposed to be about what is going on in my life on a day to day basis, what is on my mind, what is happening with me. Well, the answer to those things, tends to be bitching with the odd good part tossed in.

My plans to hang out with a friend for the weekend got postponed due to them having a new job and wanting to settle in before they can relax, which is fine, and I understand the adjustment period on that kind of thing. At the same time, it seems every penny I get is going towards bills, bills, and more bills. It's an overwhelming concept that is above and beyond anything I experienced in barrie.

This of course isn't helped by Brigham deciding I owe him money for everything from gas when he gets coffee and gets me one as well, to groceries, to $200 when HIS car breaks down. Seems every time I turn around I'm giving him money for something, either trivial or otherwise.

I look at the amount of groceries he supposedly buys, the cost of them, how much he charges me, and then I look in the cupboards and hunt for something to actually eat for food, and come up short as often as not -my meal today... the last slice of some near-bad apple pie, and three cheese slices, because there's nothing simple to be made- and wonder exactly -what- he bought.

This is of course in addition to the fact he hasn't paid a penny towards bills since we've moved in here (and the bills are insanely high)... So I seem to be paying for food, paying for gas, paying the bills... And it's just... excessive. I can't move out, because I don't have a place to move to, and even if I did, it takes money to move.

And bobbi.... w....t....f.....

I've known her for almost ten years now, from when she started in gor with a friend, to her becoming Mine... to the drama that ensued... And so on so forth through a tumultous history and one of the very few people who actually knows me for me.

I removed her from my life some time ago, as I didn't, and don't, have the patience to deal with her. Which of course I figured to be the end of it... And yet... She's still out there, still reading up on me, still checking in on me, and so on so forth. I could simply change my blog address, but that is effort I see no reason to put in.

She confuses me, as I see nothing in it for her to read anything I may write here. She has her partner and her master (two separate people), she has her lil chatsite to run, and I'm sure she has plenty of other things to amuse her than to read up on someone that doesn't give a flying fuck if she fell off the face of the earth.

Oh well...

So I started playing Rift. Interesting game... It could be a WoW killer over time... As long as people remember it isn't WoW, and even though it has many things that WoW had, and a number of things done better than WoW.. It's still in it's infancy. It took WoW almost 6 years to come out with a dungeon finder, Rift isn't even two months old, yet.

It's a fun game though, and the content is very intensive to get involved in, and challenging. Though the interface is a little difficult and clunky to deal with at times, I find it fun nonetheless.

I've started a few new shows. Being Human... A show about a werewolf orderly who lives with a vampire nurse, in a house haunted by the ghost of the land lord's fiance.... God, it sounds like a cheezy cartoon to even type it... Or a horrible sitcom. Except it's a fairly decent series, with a more serious twist behind it, as opposed to the normal slap stick you might expect. At the same time, I find some of the situations amusing and have face-palmed a time or two... Josh - the werewolf... is just... Well... unique.

Anyways... That's all for now, I'm going to watch an episode or two, figure out something to eat, and then hop in rift for my first endgame raid.