The move went smoothly. A couple of people didn't show, but I really don't own enough for two less bodies to have made much of a difference. Got the truck packed up (which was bigger than the bedroom in and of itself lol), and no complications in unloading.
The room here is 197% the size of my old room... Seriously. Freakin' huge. I almost suffered from Agoraphobia the first night... Fear of the wide open space... My room has more than "bed" and "door"... I have two SIDES to this room. Is awesome. The pool is bigger than I expected it to be. 36' by 16'. So that is really nice, can't wait to go swimming. Which with the temperature expected to be near to 31 tomorrow, will probably be tomorrow.
Got my TV set up, nothing to set it up with, mind you. I'm thinking I'm going to have to take my X-Box back from Brigham either way, because the truth of the matter, is that I need something to entertain company. I will actually -have- company here. Holy shit!!
Saturday after the move, four of us went on to East Side Mario's for dinner (I hadn't eaten at all saturday until near to 11pm - which made me feel bad, cuz we got to the unloading side, and I couldn't do -anything-... I sorted out the room)... Was a nice meal out with friends, chatting, getting along, shootin' the shit.
Sunday I did some unpacking, hung out with alei, gave her daughter a sword cuz she's a huge BLEACH fan, and I have two Zanpaktou from that series. Simple view: One sword in a collection, is one sword in a collection. One sword to a 16 year old girl, is a treasure. I remember my first sword, I still treasure it.
Monday saw me in bed the night before at 10pm, but not asleep until near to 4am. And awake at 7am. Did breakfast with alei, who apparently hates subway breakfast sandwiches... LOL Was supposed to hang out with Neal, but was so bloody exhausted, that I ended up sleeping after my internet was connected. Which was a huge ordeal. Took the guy almost four hours. Which was because the Bell wiring into this household was a bloody mess. Alas... What can be done?
I have internet now. I need to call to get it upgraded to the appropriate speed tomorrow, though.
So far, I'm good. So far I have no problems. But that is so far.
I can admit that things can go to hell still. Though I don't know how. This place is self-sufficient.... I buy my own groceries, I have my two shelves in the fridge, I likely have my own cupboard space (though haven't inquired yet), Kathie is willing to wait until July to get all of the last month's rent, so I can catch up on bills and have food to feed myself... They're both nice, laid back, and openly honest. So what could go wrong...
Well... They may not like my hermit-like lifestyle. I may not get around to the small things wanted done around the house and it may end up getting brought up, and that may cause a problem, but that should be easy to move past... Uhm... I seriously don't know... I learned some things living with Brigham... I do my own dishes as I dirty them, now. I keep to myself, so on so forth.
They may not like me having the odd company over for a swim and hanging out... But her daughter comes over with her friends, so there shouldn't be a problem, right? RIGHT!? Oh please be right...
Garbage is done by the ghost roommate. I've not met him, and he's apparently very hermit like as well. I can live with that, though. It's fine, one hermit to another, that is.
There's a plaza less than five minutes from the house. KFC, Subway, a pizza place, two convenient stores, a pharmacy, and a Tim Horton's. Like, seriously... How can shit get better? There's my meal plan for days I don't want to cook. And currently, my meal plan until the first when I will have a few bucks to do some proper shopping. Well, a lil anyways.
June will be tight, purely because of paying first and last, and having to catch up on bills from the Newmarket place. Hydro can wait until August. Phone and Internet will have to be caught up by end of July, which should be more than doable.
Aside from that... Things are good. Very good. I'm suspicious of it. I mean, seven months of hell with Brig in the country... Anything is good. Maybe I have star-eyes and am just seeing the shininess in all of this. But, it really does seem good.
On the relationship front, or lack thereof... It's going as I knew it would. Or as I predicted, anyways. She's still resistant. Which she will be for some time. However that hardly has anything to do with it. We finally have the clear communication on what -may- be. Finally. Finally no mixed signal, FINALLY got it done.
I'm not holding my breath. I'm not going to shun another possibility purely because there's a "maybe" in the air. But it works so much better than "yes. I mean no. I mean yes. I mean no. I mean yes." to actually have a "Maybe." means it's no longer a revolving door confusing the hell out of me. It's an elevator. LOL
So much simpler, and I like simple. I like simple so much.
Did I mention I got my tv working with the universal remote? I forget if I did and am too lazy to scroll back to check. It's working, I have very basic cable (maybe 50 or so channels)... And I considered connecting it to the computer. Except it turns out my video card doesn't support S-Video. So YAY... Fucking *mutter mutter mutter*
So I have no x-box for another week (maximum), so no media center, no peripheral entertainment outside of the computer and my writing and the odd game there. And of course going out. However, it means I can't entertain guests right now.
I can't deny the strong strong urge to keep a certain special edition red wii and horde it as something to do. A PS3 is on the shopping list between now and christmas. Maybe a lil after... I don't know yet.
What I DO know, is I like this. I like where I am. I like what is coming from this. I'll be damned if I don't.
May be damned anyways, but that is then, this is now, and now... Yay.
So there is the update, the summary.
Cheers.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Countdown
In 20 hours I will be relaxing in barrie with my friends. I will be back in civilization and savouring every inhalation of car fumes and the lack of cow manure.
The past ten days have been... A trial... In many things. Brigham started the 10 days with vicious anger and temper and threats. Which subsided into attempted proofs and fear tactics, and finally settled into pouting silence before evolving into almost amiable courtesy.
Which I think it came from, "He's doing what!? Fucking asshole can't do that! Can he...? Shit... Well fuck him. Wait... he has... and that is his... and... Shit.... Hey, buddy, pal, friend..."
So I'm going to be nice and give him two weeks with my x-box before taking it back from him if he can't get me a media center to replace it (which he should be able to, cuz hell, there's one on sale for $100 at best buy)... And the couch is staying, because really, I don't want the damned thing anyways. I was going to put it in storage and pull it out as a desperation attempt when I moved into my own place or with a roommate or the like. He's still losing a dungeon full of toys cuz they all belong to me.
He is under the very firm assumption that I owe him for all the parties. Four in total, three of which I've acted the DM for... The first I was too drunk to bother being the DM. I was the DM for the second, and the third, and the fourth one I was told I'd have shifts... When I was done my demo, and then my Scene with Gavilan, I left the basement and let someone else deal with it. I don't think anyone did. But wasn't my problem.
However, Brigham is under the delusion that these parties have made people "look at me differently"... That if not for these parties, people wouldn't respect me, they wouldn't let me near them, etc etc.
Well, for starters... Before these parties, most of those attending didn't even KNOW me, because they are all Newmarket people, or Oshawa, or somewhere that -isn't- barrie. And those that did know me, don't have any different opinion of me now, than they did before I moved. One or two may have changed opinion on me due to how I play, or something similar, but seriously...? I had play parties 2 or 3 times a week at my old place after coffee. I can't help but noticed that those that came to -those- parties, no longer come to these parties.
The man has one hell of an ego, I'll give him that. After tomorrow though, it won't be my problem. Not even a little bit.
As for her... the girl.... the one that has been stuck in my head for damned near a month now. Well, that is as confusing as ever. She was supposed to be there tomorrow to help with the move, however plans somehow changed and she said she would be gone for the whole weekend, might be back sunday, or maybe tuesday. She was unsure.
I wrote her a long long letter on fetlife, because that is how I am. I figured hell, I'm gonna be four days away from her, now is the time to think through everything and get it all out there. Sadly, for the most part, all I accomplished was summarizing the past month with her. If that matters or not, I don't know... But I figured I'd find out whenever she got back, right?
I sent a text to Fallynn, the former property manager and the neighbour up front. I asked her to have a look for my needle nose pliers. She said she would on sunday, I told her I'd not be here sunday as I was moving back to barrie tomorrow, but that was fine, just get them to dani ASAP and I'd grab them at coffee on tuesday, no problem.
She called me rude, and said I needed to work on my communications skills. Me, of all people, have to work on my communications skills? Are you fucking kidding me? I told her I wasn't being rude, that it was not rude to pleasantly ask a drug addicted alcoholic stuck up cunt to return my fucking property.
And we got into an argument, massive argument... I finally told her to shut the fuck up, put down the fucking phone because she was so addled in the head that she didn't know what the fuck she was even saying. And then I get a response with, "speaking plainly, I would never let you beat me the way you want to. And I can't tolerate you to play with others. That clear it up?" I ripped into it... I blew up with, "What the fuck does that have to do with ANYTHING??? One: I would never play with you, because you aren't safe to play with, because you're ALWAYS innebriated. And two: You aren't my girl, you have NO say in who I play with. And those I DO play with, have no complaints. You have no leg to stand on."
A few minutes later, as I think perhaps, finally, the argument is over... My phone dings a text... From the girl. From -her-... saying, "Always drunk..? That's random. I was just trying to explain why you wouldn't want me." ............. Fuck...... My....... Life.......... So I just sent a massive asshole ripping message to the wrong person.
Took me ten minutes of very rapid fire texts to explain myself there... And I still felt like a complete and royal ass.
I also had to explain to her that this wasn't news to me. None of it was. I knew she wanted monogamy if something happened, and I know that she's not a masochist, and I knew that she didn't want her partner even scening with someone else. I knew all of it. I accepted it, and that it was no skin off my back if that is how it had to be.
She was rather flabberghasted. I was amused by her shock and confusion.
That is where it was left, really. Not much else to say to it, as she's likely sleeping, and she shouldn't even have been texting me until... well, at the earliest, Sunday. Talk about bloody baffling.
I have a bed piled with clothes and miscallaneous shit. I need to clean this up. The shelves are off the walls, the curtains are down and in the dryer. My suitcase is ready to be packed with clothes... Time to finish the last leg of packing. I also need to pull my espresso machine from under the cupboard, cuz it needs to come with daddy to the new place. Daddy needs his espresso machine for the summer.
Yes, I just spoke of myself in the third person and titled myself daddy... What of it? Yeah, fuck you too.
Alright... after midnight. In a lil over 16 hours I'll be starting the move... Time to finish the small stuff.
Cheers.
The past ten days have been... A trial... In many things. Brigham started the 10 days with vicious anger and temper and threats. Which subsided into attempted proofs and fear tactics, and finally settled into pouting silence before evolving into almost amiable courtesy.
Which I think it came from, "He's doing what!? Fucking asshole can't do that! Can he...? Shit... Well fuck him. Wait... he has... and that is his... and... Shit.... Hey, buddy, pal, friend..."
So I'm going to be nice and give him two weeks with my x-box before taking it back from him if he can't get me a media center to replace it (which he should be able to, cuz hell, there's one on sale for $100 at best buy)... And the couch is staying, because really, I don't want the damned thing anyways. I was going to put it in storage and pull it out as a desperation attempt when I moved into my own place or with a roommate or the like. He's still losing a dungeon full of toys cuz they all belong to me.
He is under the very firm assumption that I owe him for all the parties. Four in total, three of which I've acted the DM for... The first I was too drunk to bother being the DM. I was the DM for the second, and the third, and the fourth one I was told I'd have shifts... When I was done my demo, and then my Scene with Gavilan, I left the basement and let someone else deal with it. I don't think anyone did. But wasn't my problem.
However, Brigham is under the delusion that these parties have made people "look at me differently"... That if not for these parties, people wouldn't respect me, they wouldn't let me near them, etc etc.
Well, for starters... Before these parties, most of those attending didn't even KNOW me, because they are all Newmarket people, or Oshawa, or somewhere that -isn't- barrie. And those that did know me, don't have any different opinion of me now, than they did before I moved. One or two may have changed opinion on me due to how I play, or something similar, but seriously...? I had play parties 2 or 3 times a week at my old place after coffee. I can't help but noticed that those that came to -those- parties, no longer come to these parties.
The man has one hell of an ego, I'll give him that. After tomorrow though, it won't be my problem. Not even a little bit.
As for her... the girl.... the one that has been stuck in my head for damned near a month now. Well, that is as confusing as ever. She was supposed to be there tomorrow to help with the move, however plans somehow changed and she said she would be gone for the whole weekend, might be back sunday, or maybe tuesday. She was unsure.
I wrote her a long long letter on fetlife, because that is how I am. I figured hell, I'm gonna be four days away from her, now is the time to think through everything and get it all out there. Sadly, for the most part, all I accomplished was summarizing the past month with her. If that matters or not, I don't know... But I figured I'd find out whenever she got back, right?
I sent a text to Fallynn, the former property manager and the neighbour up front. I asked her to have a look for my needle nose pliers. She said she would on sunday, I told her I'd not be here sunday as I was moving back to barrie tomorrow, but that was fine, just get them to dani ASAP and I'd grab them at coffee on tuesday, no problem.
She called me rude, and said I needed to work on my communications skills. Me, of all people, have to work on my communications skills? Are you fucking kidding me? I told her I wasn't being rude, that it was not rude to pleasantly ask a drug addicted alcoholic stuck up cunt to return my fucking property.
And we got into an argument, massive argument... I finally told her to shut the fuck up, put down the fucking phone because she was so addled in the head that she didn't know what the fuck she was even saying. And then I get a response with, "speaking plainly, I would never let you beat me the way you want to. And I can't tolerate you to play with others. That clear it up?" I ripped into it... I blew up with, "What the fuck does that have to do with ANYTHING??? One: I would never play with you, because you aren't safe to play with, because you're ALWAYS innebriated. And two: You aren't my girl, you have NO say in who I play with. And those I DO play with, have no complaints. You have no leg to stand on."
A few minutes later, as I think perhaps, finally, the argument is over... My phone dings a text... From the girl. From -her-... saying, "Always drunk..? That's random. I was just trying to explain why you wouldn't want me." ............. Fuck...... My....... Life.......... So I just sent a massive asshole ripping message to the wrong person.
Took me ten minutes of very rapid fire texts to explain myself there... And I still felt like a complete and royal ass.
I also had to explain to her that this wasn't news to me. None of it was. I knew she wanted monogamy if something happened, and I know that she's not a masochist, and I knew that she didn't want her partner even scening with someone else. I knew all of it. I accepted it, and that it was no skin off my back if that is how it had to be.
She was rather flabberghasted. I was amused by her shock and confusion.
That is where it was left, really. Not much else to say to it, as she's likely sleeping, and she shouldn't even have been texting me until... well, at the earliest, Sunday. Talk about bloody baffling.
I have a bed piled with clothes and miscallaneous shit. I need to clean this up. The shelves are off the walls, the curtains are down and in the dryer. My suitcase is ready to be packed with clothes... Time to finish the last leg of packing. I also need to pull my espresso machine from under the cupboard, cuz it needs to come with daddy to the new place. Daddy needs his espresso machine for the summer.
Yes, I just spoke of myself in the third person and titled myself daddy... What of it? Yeah, fuck you too.
Alright... after midnight. In a lil over 16 hours I'll be starting the move... Time to finish the small stuff.
Cheers.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Any port in the storm
And any ear that will listen.
Brigham is -not- pleased I am leaving, and I am learning more and more how much he likes the high road. And by high road, I mean low road, and by low road, I mean bitching to anyone that even thinks to imply they know me.
I've seen the lines drawn in the sand by him, and I've seen people choosing their side, and I've seen those smart enough not to take any sides, but merely to offer a friendly hand during the process.
His argument, is that I'm fucking him and dani over by giving ten days notice and leaving. I gave him notice in February, and dani has been aware of my exact move date for the past month. He says that bills will be increasing by over $200 for each of them.
$125 for rent, each, and by his own count, I'm to blame for all the bandwidth downloaded (So that is $65 extra gone from the household expenses), and I'm to blame for half of the hydro or more because of my fan (there's another $150 gone), and I'm the person that eats all the food -more than half of it according to him-. (And he spends over $1000 a month on food by his own counts). So there's another $500+ off of food monthly that he won't have to spend.
So He loses $50 for hydro, loses $250 for rent, and loses $40 for internet. Add this up and it's $390 split between them. And he'll save $60 on the extra bandwidth because I won't be downloading anymore (won't be here). He'll save almost $150 on hydro since I won't have my stuff going; and he'll save near to $500 in groceries a month because I won't be here "eating it all". Which amounts to over $700 in savings, just be removing one person.
Admittedly, that one person has been solo-paying the bills since we moved in here, has been a private ATM for gas and groceries on a consistent basis, and has been willing to live in a glorified closet. Note: Not sleep in it, but actually LIVE in it. I say live, because the community space has no room for my computer (his computer, sure, but not mine).... The community space is also his "bedroom", which means once he goes to sleep, it's essentially off limits.
However I'm the one doing the screwing over here.... I've been the one paying the bills since november, paying a third of the gas and the groceries, eating one meal a day, sometimes two, and living in a room that is actually the near exactly same size as a prison cell (6' x 8') Perhaps a few inches larger, but not by too fuckin' much.
So I've spent the past seven months in prison as a privileged prisoner (you know, computer and internet and books to read). And of course yard time in the form of some coffee trips and various events, and blah blah. No, not as severe as prison, not even meaning to imply that, merely cell size.
The Gaoler has less power too, of course. But that's besides the point.
So yes, I watch him draw the line, and I watch those who are picking sides, and those not getting involved. However it is very telling who your friends are, and who are not your friends, when you look at something and can see those who actually ask what is up, and those who just listen to one side and start spreading shit around.
Not that any shit has been spread, mind you. I don't think it has anyways. I'll know in a week when I'm back in barrie, and start to attend things regularly again. I'll be able to watch who whispers behind their hands, who avoids me, or even who says, "It's best if you don't come here anymore."
I don't necessarily expect the latter of those, but best to be prepared, right? Always be prepared, never surprised.
So that is all for now. I just wish people had the brains to actually get both sides of a story, instead of hearing one and deciding to pick a stance based on it. Three sides to every story, one side, the other, and the truth.
His side:
I'm fucking him over, giving 10 days notice
increasing his expenses.
I never carried my weight
ate too much (including his precious pizza)
Am selfish.
My side:
I gave him four months notice starting back in february.
By his accounts of what I -cost- this house, he'll actually be saving almost $300 a month.
I did as much around here as anyone else.
I eat a meal a day, sometimes two. And yes, I took slices from two or three pizzas without asking. Gasp!
I've been his personal ATM for seven months, and he's not given one penny towards bills.
The Truth.
You decide.
Brigham is -not- pleased I am leaving, and I am learning more and more how much he likes the high road. And by high road, I mean low road, and by low road, I mean bitching to anyone that even thinks to imply they know me.
I've seen the lines drawn in the sand by him, and I've seen people choosing their side, and I've seen those smart enough not to take any sides, but merely to offer a friendly hand during the process.
His argument, is that I'm fucking him and dani over by giving ten days notice and leaving. I gave him notice in February, and dani has been aware of my exact move date for the past month. He says that bills will be increasing by over $200 for each of them.
$125 for rent, each, and by his own count, I'm to blame for all the bandwidth downloaded (So that is $65 extra gone from the household expenses), and I'm to blame for half of the hydro or more because of my fan (there's another $150 gone), and I'm the person that eats all the food -more than half of it according to him-. (And he spends over $1000 a month on food by his own counts). So there's another $500+ off of food monthly that he won't have to spend.
So He loses $50 for hydro, loses $250 for rent, and loses $40 for internet. Add this up and it's $390 split between them. And he'll save $60 on the extra bandwidth because I won't be downloading anymore (won't be here). He'll save almost $150 on hydro since I won't have my stuff going; and he'll save near to $500 in groceries a month because I won't be here "eating it all". Which amounts to over $700 in savings, just be removing one person.
Admittedly, that one person has been solo-paying the bills since we moved in here, has been a private ATM for gas and groceries on a consistent basis, and has been willing to live in a glorified closet. Note: Not sleep in it, but actually LIVE in it. I say live, because the community space has no room for my computer (his computer, sure, but not mine).... The community space is also his "bedroom", which means once he goes to sleep, it's essentially off limits.
However I'm the one doing the screwing over here.... I've been the one paying the bills since november, paying a third of the gas and the groceries, eating one meal a day, sometimes two, and living in a room that is actually the near exactly same size as a prison cell (6' x 8') Perhaps a few inches larger, but not by too fuckin' much.
So I've spent the past seven months in prison as a privileged prisoner (you know, computer and internet and books to read). And of course yard time in the form of some coffee trips and various events, and blah blah. No, not as severe as prison, not even meaning to imply that, merely cell size.
The Gaoler has less power too, of course. But that's besides the point.
So yes, I watch him draw the line, and I watch those who are picking sides, and those not getting involved. However it is very telling who your friends are, and who are not your friends, when you look at something and can see those who actually ask what is up, and those who just listen to one side and start spreading shit around.
Not that any shit has been spread, mind you. I don't think it has anyways. I'll know in a week when I'm back in barrie, and start to attend things regularly again. I'll be able to watch who whispers behind their hands, who avoids me, or even who says, "It's best if you don't come here anymore."
I don't necessarily expect the latter of those, but best to be prepared, right? Always be prepared, never surprised.
So that is all for now. I just wish people had the brains to actually get both sides of a story, instead of hearing one and deciding to pick a stance based on it. Three sides to every story, one side, the other, and the truth.
His side:
I'm fucking him over, giving 10 days notice
increasing his expenses.
I never carried my weight
ate too much (including his precious pizza)
Am selfish.
My side:
I gave him four months notice starting back in february.
By his accounts of what I -cost- this house, he'll actually be saving almost $300 a month.
I did as much around here as anyone else.
I eat a meal a day, sometimes two. And yes, I took slices from two or three pizzas without asking. Gasp!
I've been his personal ATM for seven months, and he's not given one penny towards bills.
The Truth.
You decide.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
SNAFUBAR
Situation Normal: Fucked Up Beyond All Reason....
I'm moving. I don't like the fact I'm moving so quickly after just moving in here, but let's face it, the past seven months have been sheer hell with Brigham as a roommate.
So after seven months of him using me as his private ATM, dicking me around, screwing me over, and things JUST starting to improve over the past week or so... Near the end of last month, everything blew up between him and Dani. She retreated to a friend's house for an evening, she was ready to leave him, walk, get the fuck out, and she was ready to do it with me.
I was looking for two bedrooms, had someone in barrie ready to view apartments, call them, work out all the details. I was also looking for one bedrooms, because I was truly done with it all.
As it happens, fate smiled on me, in the form of a hot lil girl with some contacts. Or more accurately, her absurdly tall counter part who had the contact, mentioned it to her, who mentioned it to me. A room for rent, for an affordable price, back in Barrie, with a household of Kinskters.
But only one room. I had to hold off on it, because I had to find one for dani too. Until she suddenly decided she wanted to stay, and I should act in my own best interest. Ok.
So I did. I made the call, I got Erika to go and check the place out, take a look at it, look it over, check and confirm the livability for myself, and tell me the verdict. The verdict was good. Not an amazing place, but a thousand times better than what I am currently suffering through. Smokers there, well, there's smokers here too... Dogs there, well, there's a dog here too... But there, the dogs are small and don't bark much.
Hydro is included in the $450 rent, whereas here it's near to $200 a month (and in my name besides, though not for long). There's laundry on site (same as here), the room is half again the size I have here.... 8' x 11' as opposed to 6.5' x 8.5'. It's IN THE CITY... Oh my god, what a MASSIVE Pro that is. It has central air, so the summer will even be tolerable (and even if it weren't, I have my own A/C anyways). And I buy my own groceries monthly, which is another amazing benefit to not fronting $400+ a month and taking someone at their word that it is the right amount.
I'll be closer to friends, and did I mention there's a pool in the back yard? An actual full sized, belowground pool. Oh how sweet it is.
I told him today though, asked if he remembered me telling him I was moving out back in february and that it would be June or July. He said he did, and dani was witness to it. He also apparently claimed that the second conversation we had, where he said I was in or out, to make the call there and then, retracted my notice. When my response to this was, "I'm working on it."... He was threatening to kick me out, which he supposedly believes he has the right to do, and then says my 4 months notice wasn't good enough? Bullshit.
Moreso, even as it stands right now, on a month to month Lease, 30 days is all I need to give, and he's getting 45 days notice as I paid May's rent, and June's rent is my last month, thus it was paid when I moved in.
He showed me some monstrosity of a creation that he says I signed. Some two page self-written "lease" that had so many spelling errors, typos, and grammar mistakes, and even so far as to have my own name spelled wrong... I wouldn't have signed something like that, ever. Less chance of me signing it if he spelt my name wrong. Why the -fuck- would I sign something that my name wasn't even on properly? I'm not that much of a fool.
So he has his own little issue with it, threats involving taking me to the Landlord tenant board and small claims, saying the truck can come next saturday for my stuff, but it'll be leaving empty, because he'll call the cops on me and they won't let me take my things.... Yeah, not so much.
I'm moving on the 28th... Which I'm thankful for, and the new place, even if short term, is better than what I'm currently enduring, paying him $40 a pop for trips into barrie, paying excessive fees and expenses every time I turn around that I have no cause to pay into.
So I have ten days. Just ten days mind you... To put up with him and his shit. At the end of those ten days, I'm gone.
Which of course is something else to mention...
The fetish community is amazing in barrie, a lot of people, friends, associates, and even some I barely know... All offered to help me move. All offered to be there for me, to assist with this task. Hell, even the truck was rented by someone in the community doing me a favor. It's utter perfection.
I'm of a mixed attitude right now. On one hand, I'm very leery of being around Brigham in his current mood and pissed off state, but at the same time, I'm happy to know the people in the community that are willing to help. I even have an offer for storage for whatever I can't fit into my room. It's utterly amazing that feeling you get to realize people actually give a damn.
Even if you intend to barricade your bedroom door and sleep with a sharpened sword next to you for fear ya might not wake. *cough*
I'm moving. I don't like the fact I'm moving so quickly after just moving in here, but let's face it, the past seven months have been sheer hell with Brigham as a roommate.
So after seven months of him using me as his private ATM, dicking me around, screwing me over, and things JUST starting to improve over the past week or so... Near the end of last month, everything blew up between him and Dani. She retreated to a friend's house for an evening, she was ready to leave him, walk, get the fuck out, and she was ready to do it with me.
I was looking for two bedrooms, had someone in barrie ready to view apartments, call them, work out all the details. I was also looking for one bedrooms, because I was truly done with it all.
As it happens, fate smiled on me, in the form of a hot lil girl with some contacts. Or more accurately, her absurdly tall counter part who had the contact, mentioned it to her, who mentioned it to me. A room for rent, for an affordable price, back in Barrie, with a household of Kinskters.
But only one room. I had to hold off on it, because I had to find one for dani too. Until she suddenly decided she wanted to stay, and I should act in my own best interest. Ok.
So I did. I made the call, I got Erika to go and check the place out, take a look at it, look it over, check and confirm the livability for myself, and tell me the verdict. The verdict was good. Not an amazing place, but a thousand times better than what I am currently suffering through. Smokers there, well, there's smokers here too... Dogs there, well, there's a dog here too... But there, the dogs are small and don't bark much.
Hydro is included in the $450 rent, whereas here it's near to $200 a month (and in my name besides, though not for long). There's laundry on site (same as here), the room is half again the size I have here.... 8' x 11' as opposed to 6.5' x 8.5'. It's IN THE CITY... Oh my god, what a MASSIVE Pro that is. It has central air, so the summer will even be tolerable (and even if it weren't, I have my own A/C anyways). And I buy my own groceries monthly, which is another amazing benefit to not fronting $400+ a month and taking someone at their word that it is the right amount.
I'll be closer to friends, and did I mention there's a pool in the back yard? An actual full sized, belowground pool. Oh how sweet it is.
I told him today though, asked if he remembered me telling him I was moving out back in february and that it would be June or July. He said he did, and dani was witness to it. He also apparently claimed that the second conversation we had, where he said I was in or out, to make the call there and then, retracted my notice. When my response to this was, "I'm working on it."... He was threatening to kick me out, which he supposedly believes he has the right to do, and then says my 4 months notice wasn't good enough? Bullshit.
Moreso, even as it stands right now, on a month to month Lease, 30 days is all I need to give, and he's getting 45 days notice as I paid May's rent, and June's rent is my last month, thus it was paid when I moved in.
He showed me some monstrosity of a creation that he says I signed. Some two page self-written "lease" that had so many spelling errors, typos, and grammar mistakes, and even so far as to have my own name spelled wrong... I wouldn't have signed something like that, ever. Less chance of me signing it if he spelt my name wrong. Why the -fuck- would I sign something that my name wasn't even on properly? I'm not that much of a fool.
So he has his own little issue with it, threats involving taking me to the Landlord tenant board and small claims, saying the truck can come next saturday for my stuff, but it'll be leaving empty, because he'll call the cops on me and they won't let me take my things.... Yeah, not so much.
I'm moving on the 28th... Which I'm thankful for, and the new place, even if short term, is better than what I'm currently enduring, paying him $40 a pop for trips into barrie, paying excessive fees and expenses every time I turn around that I have no cause to pay into.
So I have ten days. Just ten days mind you... To put up with him and his shit. At the end of those ten days, I'm gone.
Which of course is something else to mention...
The fetish community is amazing in barrie, a lot of people, friends, associates, and even some I barely know... All offered to help me move. All offered to be there for me, to assist with this task. Hell, even the truck was rented by someone in the community doing me a favor. It's utter perfection.
I'm of a mixed attitude right now. On one hand, I'm very leery of being around Brigham in his current mood and pissed off state, but at the same time, I'm happy to know the people in the community that are willing to help. I even have an offer for storage for whatever I can't fit into my room. It's utterly amazing that feeling you get to realize people actually give a damn.
Even if you intend to barricade your bedroom door and sleep with a sharpened sword next to you for fear ya might not wake. *cough*
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Lesson Learned
I would like to begin with the disclaimer that I may or may not be drunk, the numbness through my body implies that I am, as well as the many backspaces required. However the two drinks I've had leans in another direction... the fact said drinks were half and half whiskey/coke may lend to the drunk state.
Disclaimer aside.... Alcohol when already dealing with shit... Not the best of ideas, alcohol is a social enabler. It breaks the barriers that one keeps up to protect them, it makes you do stupid shit when you shouldn't even speak, act or move.
Also, this is now the morning after, so my disclaimer doesn't mean shit anymore. Yay!
The party was a success, plenty of people, a lot less play this time around than other parties... Which is fine, I did a demonstration with impact toys, proper handling and use... And then I had an intense Scene with a bear of a man.
The girl I like was all over the board. Outside, inside, downstairs, upstairs.
It should be noted, the reason this isn't a drunken ramble, is because after I retreated to my room, she came in, while I was finishing the second paragraph, and asked why I "fagged out" and why I hadn't tried harder to spend time with her. When I made the comment that I had tried, but it's hard to compete with her getting very cuddly with other men, she got pissed off and told me that if I wanted to blame other guys, fine, but not to use it as an excuse.
Then she left... Will explain more when I get to it.
So I had my demonstration, she was no where in sight, despite a comment that she wanted to see it, wanted to "see me in action" as she put it. The demo went off without a hitch, people say I did well, I have no idea as a lot of it was a blur to me in that aspect... All eyes on me and the like.
I went upstairs to confirm things for the take down demonstration someone else was doing, saw her. I made a comment that she had missed my demo, she said "yup, I got detained." I asked if she had been detained by the fire pit, she said, "Nope! hehe" and bounced off. End of discussion there. I've already been snapped at for being invasive and asking her a follow up question.
So she vanished again, she was there while I Scened with Gavilan (bear of a man... literally), and I tried to speak with her while three very lovely ladies gave Gav his aftercare and brought him back... Which offered me two thoughts... I wish I had someone else to do my aftercare for me all the time, and two.... Lucky fucking bastard.
I spoke with her for a little bit there, discussing the rudiments of aftercare, etc... and then she poofed upstairs when I turned around to make sure Gav was cool, and he thanked me, and so on so forth... I stayed downstairs for a lil bit longer, expecting Gavilan's wife to come down for a session as well. However when she did come down, she was accompanied by another Domme. So I let them have at it, that was the end of my responsibilities, I went upstairs, poured myself a drink and prepared to enjoy what remained of the night.
So she was talking to one of the guests, and I slipped over to join in on the conversation, also because the only unoccupied seats were out in the hallway. Of course, this turned out to be an exercise in futility, since the conversation was about the guy and his ex, and how he worked hard to look after her even after she screwed him over and he wanted to take care of her, and how charming he is, and sweet, and nice, and.... Ok, yeah, that is bitching... And he really is a great guy. I like him, he's cool, and really, anyone that cares enough to make sure even an ex that cheated on you is safe and secure... Deserves respect.
Which he got from me. He also got flirts and cuddles from her. Which swiftly shifted to her helping someone with their corsette, and then vanishing outside... I went to refill my drink... Spoke with alei for a bit, who was a huge and awesome surprise for coming to the party...
And when she came back in from her smoke outside (the girl, not alei)... She... Ok, wait.... background.
Earlier in the night, before anything happened (demonstration, play, drinking, etc)... She was chatting up a few people, and I was leaning back against the wall, and I leaned forward, and drew my nails down along her arm... Not hard, not rough, no where inappropriate... Just down her arm. And she gave me a glare... A "if looks could kill..." glare. So message taken, don't touch.
Alright, so when she comes back in from outside, she joins me in watching the take down artist with dani. As he has dani down for the count, she starts massaging his shoulders. relaxing him... touching him... I said good bye to a couple of people while she did this, pointedly avoiding it... and then she was in her Protector's arms. Which is cool, I know there's nothing there to be worried about... And then Itami (takedown artist) comes up behind her when she's getting a drink, and grabs her... and does he get a glare? Or a reprimand? Nope. She giggled and hopped into his lap. It was around this time I decided I was done for the night.
I polished off my second drink, finished up a conversation with the big guy that takes care of his ex, and when people retreated to the basement to watch Song and sar at their scene... I came in here and started to write this, which would have come out a lot more vicious and likely with more spelling errors, had I actually finished it last night.
Then she came in, the argument happened there... I stopped writing because my mind was confused. I mean, how the hell is it -my- fault, when she prefers the company of other men? How is it -my- fault, for not pursuing her, when the last time I pursued her, I was told my flirting was over the top, I fail at friends, and I was too touchy. How is any of that my fault?? I didn't see her making an effort to come and see me, I didn't see her finding me at all, she waited until I found my way to her... I'm not going to look like a lost puppy, because it's bad enough people know I have it bad for her, why compound it?
So I shut my monitor off, stripped down, and crawled into bed. Safest place to be when shit is blowing up in your face and the alcohol has you in a bad state of mind. I was in bed for less than ten minutes when she comes back into my room... No knocking, no "mind if I come in?"... just comes back into my room... Which she did the first time too...
And she tells me she's invading my space, she comes to my bed, lays down next to me, curls up against me, puts her head on my chest, and falls asleep........ Yeah, I wasn't confused enough, right?
She slept in my arms for perhaps 10-15 minutes, then her protector decided they were leaving. Took me almost five minutes to rouse her enough to leave. If it took much more, I'd have just let it drop, slept with her pressed against me all night, and gotten her home somehow today.
But she did wake up and leave. And I slept... and she texted, surprised she had fallen asleep in my arms. Again reinforced the "friends only" clause and I made my case when she said it was "Sad I didn't try"...
It was a lose/lose situation if you consider it... I act the friend, don't crowd her, don't push too hard, and take her physical queues to back off (glaring at me, getting close to other guys), and I'm suddenly not trying, and lose points.... But had I been more aggressive, pushed harder, pressed for her time, hunted her down and made the extra effort that said I wanted to court her... I'd get slammed for being too clingy, for hunting a relationship she's not willing to give, and so on so forth down the line.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and by the end of the night, I was damned.
So here I stand, sit... Next day... relaying this while talking to her via text. And I'm going to ask her, if she knows she confuses me, if she's aware of what she is doing that confuses me... Why does she do it? Hell, any kind of insight is better than what I'm rolling with now.
Disclaimer aside.... Alcohol when already dealing with shit... Not the best of ideas, alcohol is a social enabler. It breaks the barriers that one keeps up to protect them, it makes you do stupid shit when you shouldn't even speak, act or move.
Also, this is now the morning after, so my disclaimer doesn't mean shit anymore. Yay!
The party was a success, plenty of people, a lot less play this time around than other parties... Which is fine, I did a demonstration with impact toys, proper handling and use... And then I had an intense Scene with a bear of a man.
The girl I like was all over the board. Outside, inside, downstairs, upstairs.
It should be noted, the reason this isn't a drunken ramble, is because after I retreated to my room, she came in, while I was finishing the second paragraph, and asked why I "fagged out" and why I hadn't tried harder to spend time with her. When I made the comment that I had tried, but it's hard to compete with her getting very cuddly with other men, she got pissed off and told me that if I wanted to blame other guys, fine, but not to use it as an excuse.
Then she left... Will explain more when I get to it.
So I had my demonstration, she was no where in sight, despite a comment that she wanted to see it, wanted to "see me in action" as she put it. The demo went off without a hitch, people say I did well, I have no idea as a lot of it was a blur to me in that aspect... All eyes on me and the like.
I went upstairs to confirm things for the take down demonstration someone else was doing, saw her. I made a comment that she had missed my demo, she said "yup, I got detained." I asked if she had been detained by the fire pit, she said, "Nope! hehe" and bounced off. End of discussion there. I've already been snapped at for being invasive and asking her a follow up question.
So she vanished again, she was there while I Scened with Gavilan (bear of a man... literally), and I tried to speak with her while three very lovely ladies gave Gav his aftercare and brought him back... Which offered me two thoughts... I wish I had someone else to do my aftercare for me all the time, and two.... Lucky fucking bastard.
I spoke with her for a little bit there, discussing the rudiments of aftercare, etc... and then she poofed upstairs when I turned around to make sure Gav was cool, and he thanked me, and so on so forth... I stayed downstairs for a lil bit longer, expecting Gavilan's wife to come down for a session as well. However when she did come down, she was accompanied by another Domme. So I let them have at it, that was the end of my responsibilities, I went upstairs, poured myself a drink and prepared to enjoy what remained of the night.
So she was talking to one of the guests, and I slipped over to join in on the conversation, also because the only unoccupied seats were out in the hallway. Of course, this turned out to be an exercise in futility, since the conversation was about the guy and his ex, and how he worked hard to look after her even after she screwed him over and he wanted to take care of her, and how charming he is, and sweet, and nice, and.... Ok, yeah, that is bitching... And he really is a great guy. I like him, he's cool, and really, anyone that cares enough to make sure even an ex that cheated on you is safe and secure... Deserves respect.
Which he got from me. He also got flirts and cuddles from her. Which swiftly shifted to her helping someone with their corsette, and then vanishing outside... I went to refill my drink... Spoke with alei for a bit, who was a huge and awesome surprise for coming to the party...
And when she came back in from her smoke outside (the girl, not alei)... She... Ok, wait.... background.
Earlier in the night, before anything happened (demonstration, play, drinking, etc)... She was chatting up a few people, and I was leaning back against the wall, and I leaned forward, and drew my nails down along her arm... Not hard, not rough, no where inappropriate... Just down her arm. And she gave me a glare... A "if looks could kill..." glare. So message taken, don't touch.
Alright, so when she comes back in from outside, she joins me in watching the take down artist with dani. As he has dani down for the count, she starts massaging his shoulders. relaxing him... touching him... I said good bye to a couple of people while she did this, pointedly avoiding it... and then she was in her Protector's arms. Which is cool, I know there's nothing there to be worried about... And then Itami (takedown artist) comes up behind her when she's getting a drink, and grabs her... and does he get a glare? Or a reprimand? Nope. She giggled and hopped into his lap. It was around this time I decided I was done for the night.
I polished off my second drink, finished up a conversation with the big guy that takes care of his ex, and when people retreated to the basement to watch Song and sar at their scene... I came in here and started to write this, which would have come out a lot more vicious and likely with more spelling errors, had I actually finished it last night.
Then she came in, the argument happened there... I stopped writing because my mind was confused. I mean, how the hell is it -my- fault, when she prefers the company of other men? How is it -my- fault, for not pursuing her, when the last time I pursued her, I was told my flirting was over the top, I fail at friends, and I was too touchy. How is any of that my fault?? I didn't see her making an effort to come and see me, I didn't see her finding me at all, she waited until I found my way to her... I'm not going to look like a lost puppy, because it's bad enough people know I have it bad for her, why compound it?
So I shut my monitor off, stripped down, and crawled into bed. Safest place to be when shit is blowing up in your face and the alcohol has you in a bad state of mind. I was in bed for less than ten minutes when she comes back into my room... No knocking, no "mind if I come in?"... just comes back into my room... Which she did the first time too...
And she tells me she's invading my space, she comes to my bed, lays down next to me, curls up against me, puts her head on my chest, and falls asleep........ Yeah, I wasn't confused enough, right?
She slept in my arms for perhaps 10-15 minutes, then her protector decided they were leaving. Took me almost five minutes to rouse her enough to leave. If it took much more, I'd have just let it drop, slept with her pressed against me all night, and gotten her home somehow today.
But she did wake up and leave. And I slept... and she texted, surprised she had fallen asleep in my arms. Again reinforced the "friends only" clause and I made my case when she said it was "Sad I didn't try"...
It was a lose/lose situation if you consider it... I act the friend, don't crowd her, don't push too hard, and take her physical queues to back off (glaring at me, getting close to other guys), and I'm suddenly not trying, and lose points.... But had I been more aggressive, pushed harder, pressed for her time, hunted her down and made the extra effort that said I wanted to court her... I'd get slammed for being too clingy, for hunting a relationship she's not willing to give, and so on so forth down the line.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and by the end of the night, I was damned.
So here I stand, sit... Next day... relaying this while talking to her via text. And I'm going to ask her, if she knows she confuses me, if she's aware of what she is doing that confuses me... Why does she do it? Hell, any kind of insight is better than what I'm rolling with now.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Hot n Cold
You know, I've seen people that are indecisive, and I've seen people that change their mind several times over something.
But I never actually thought a song like "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry could seriously apply to a person so accurately.
I have never encountered signals so mixed they seem more like a different language poorly translated, than actual words. It's beyond reason, confusing, and baffling, and makes me seriously want to join the priesthood just to avoid dealing with it.
I can do friends. I can do lovers. I can do fuck buddies. I can do damn near anything when it comes to the interaction between myself and another person. I can even do flirtatious behaviour with a friend without ever compromising the friendship.
I mean, I have a friend, she knows I care about her deeply, and she doesn't reciprocate. Despite this, we still flirt, I hug her, kiss her brow, lightly scratch behind her ear (she likes that), and hang out. It's not at all serious, it's not even remotely at risk of me being hurt or everything crumbling down. It's a friendship with feelings, and those feelings are fine where they are, because we both accept our placement in it. How hard is that?
I have had friends where the flirting was more or less, high or low, where sexual acts sometimes came into the equation without actually complicating the friendship. Erika and I had a thing for a bit, we were still friends, we hung out, watched movies, chatted, played video games, and sometimes randomly had sex. This is hardly unhealthy, and it didn't hurt the friendship, as we are -still- friends and she's now in a committed relationship.
This girl, however...? One moment she misses me, and the night got boring when I left, and she wants to see me, and she enjoys her time with me, and she likes the way she fits into my arms, and she wishes she could feel the trace of my touch on her body.... And then the next I fail at friendship for flirting with her, I'm too touchy, and we will -never- date, ever, period, and she doesn't want to keep approaching the subject.
And then it goes back in one direction, then the other, then the other. I think there's been three shifts so far, maybe four. From sweet and flirty to cold, to flirty, to cold, to flirty, to cold again... Yeah, that about sums it up, and all within a week.
I can only do so much, can only take the slap that follows one of these mood swings so many times. I like her, and I think I could, given time, love her, if she ever let me. However that doesn't seem to be a likely scenario right now. I'm fine with that. I just wish it was bloody well made clear to me where I stand.
Right now, I'm going to work it like she's already in a relationship, or plays for the other team. Because honestly, treating her in kind to how she treats me, just seems to blow up in my face and cause huge issues in the short term until she bounces back to the other end of the spectrum. I see how the connection is there, and I see what she's trying to do, but I'm not the typical man, and I'm not going to let such behaviour through me that far off my game.
And no, I don't mean courting as a game, I mean simply my behaviour, my attitude, etc.
I should just join the priesthood. Better sexless and spreading fiction than getting spun around like a top just for being interested in a girl.
Party is this friday. I can't say if I'll have another entry by then or not. Seems I'm writing a lot more lately, and you kow what? She's probably to blame for that. Hell, I know she's to blame for that, because every post here has been relating to her in some fashion or another since the "Charmed" Post. Maybe even the one before that, though I don't think so.
Frustrating, that is all it is. Horribly, seriously, endlessly, frustrating.
I'll get through though, and I won't let it push my buttons as much as it has, because seriously... This is getting ridiculous.
Cheers.
But I never actually thought a song like "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry could seriously apply to a person so accurately.
I have never encountered signals so mixed they seem more like a different language poorly translated, than actual words. It's beyond reason, confusing, and baffling, and makes me seriously want to join the priesthood just to avoid dealing with it.
I can do friends. I can do lovers. I can do fuck buddies. I can do damn near anything when it comes to the interaction between myself and another person. I can even do flirtatious behaviour with a friend without ever compromising the friendship.
I mean, I have a friend, she knows I care about her deeply, and she doesn't reciprocate. Despite this, we still flirt, I hug her, kiss her brow, lightly scratch behind her ear (she likes that), and hang out. It's not at all serious, it's not even remotely at risk of me being hurt or everything crumbling down. It's a friendship with feelings, and those feelings are fine where they are, because we both accept our placement in it. How hard is that?
I have had friends where the flirting was more or less, high or low, where sexual acts sometimes came into the equation without actually complicating the friendship. Erika and I had a thing for a bit, we were still friends, we hung out, watched movies, chatted, played video games, and sometimes randomly had sex. This is hardly unhealthy, and it didn't hurt the friendship, as we are -still- friends and she's now in a committed relationship.
This girl, however...? One moment she misses me, and the night got boring when I left, and she wants to see me, and she enjoys her time with me, and she likes the way she fits into my arms, and she wishes she could feel the trace of my touch on her body.... And then the next I fail at friendship for flirting with her, I'm too touchy, and we will -never- date, ever, period, and she doesn't want to keep approaching the subject.
And then it goes back in one direction, then the other, then the other. I think there's been three shifts so far, maybe four. From sweet and flirty to cold, to flirty, to cold, to flirty, to cold again... Yeah, that about sums it up, and all within a week.
I can only do so much, can only take the slap that follows one of these mood swings so many times. I like her, and I think I could, given time, love her, if she ever let me. However that doesn't seem to be a likely scenario right now. I'm fine with that. I just wish it was bloody well made clear to me where I stand.
Right now, I'm going to work it like she's already in a relationship, or plays for the other team. Because honestly, treating her in kind to how she treats me, just seems to blow up in my face and cause huge issues in the short term until she bounces back to the other end of the spectrum. I see how the connection is there, and I see what she's trying to do, but I'm not the typical man, and I'm not going to let such behaviour through me that far off my game.
And no, I don't mean courting as a game, I mean simply my behaviour, my attitude, etc.
I should just join the priesthood. Better sexless and spreading fiction than getting spun around like a top just for being interested in a girl.
Party is this friday. I can't say if I'll have another entry by then or not. Seems I'm writing a lot more lately, and you kow what? She's probably to blame for that. Hell, I know she's to blame for that, because every post here has been relating to her in some fashion or another since the "Charmed" Post. Maybe even the one before that, though I don't think so.
Frustrating, that is all it is. Horribly, seriously, endlessly, frustrating.
I'll get through though, and I won't let it push my buttons as much as it has, because seriously... This is getting ridiculous.
Cheers.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Misplaced rant
This belongs on fetlife, but it's not worth the drama it would cause there, so it's going here so I can still vent.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Isn't that how the saying goes? Or that golden rule of do unto others...?
I understand the need to want to know everyone else's business, as humans we are naturally curious, and in a community as tight knit as barrie (which it is tight knit, whether you're part of the zoo crew or not, your in there somewhere), it's bound to happen and get around who you are, and what you do, how you do it, etc.
You get a reputation fast in a city as close as barrie. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, and over all irrelevant as long as you have a close standing group of friends that know the truth and can either vouch for you, or ignore the rumours and words being spread.
Rumours though. There's a vicious thing. I get the need and want to start drama, and the fun it can bring to poke buttons and see what the results are. But why feel the need to try and interfere with something that is no one else's business but those involved?
I don't quite get the advantage to trying to sabotage something that hasn't even happened yet, with lies and speculation. To be told out of left field that I'm trying to trip someone into bed is ludicrous, offensive, and has no foundation in the truth.
I'm a natural flirt, when I'm comfortable with someone I tease, and flirt and joke around. This doesn't mean anything aside from that. I can point at a dozen people in the community (more), who have the same nature to flirt and joke around with their friends. This hardly means they sleep around. Hell, there's not three people in the community that could step forward and say either 1) I've slept with them, or 2) I've legimitately have tried to sleep with them (in a serious attempt).
I know this, because there's two people in the community I HAVE slept with. One isn't even in the country any longer, and I'm the one that introduced the other TO the community, and she's presently inactive.
So I'd really like to know where I garnered enough of a reputation through play parties and partners, to have earned the disregard to be told that when I happen to like a girl, and enjoy an evening hanging out with her, that my immediate goal is sex. In this lifestyle of ALL places, one would think we could escape that bullshit stigma of all that is on a man's mind is a piece of ass.
Yes this is a rant. No this doesn't matter in the end, because what it comes down to is, no harm, no foul. Aside from being insulting on the part of whoever said something, people have better sense than to believe everything they hear.
At least some people do, anyways. I know a few that don't too.
I'm not looking for justification, or a reason someone contrived to think they were protecting someone else, or wanting to get revenge for some imagined slight... Hell, I'm not even looking for sympathy, empathy, or anything else. This is a rant for me, by me, to get it out there, and to simply say... Grow up.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Isn't that how the saying goes? Or that golden rule of do unto others...?
I understand the need to want to know everyone else's business, as humans we are naturally curious, and in a community as tight knit as barrie (which it is tight knit, whether you're part of the zoo crew or not, your in there somewhere), it's bound to happen and get around who you are, and what you do, how you do it, etc.
You get a reputation fast in a city as close as barrie. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, and over all irrelevant as long as you have a close standing group of friends that know the truth and can either vouch for you, or ignore the rumours and words being spread.
Rumours though. There's a vicious thing. I get the need and want to start drama, and the fun it can bring to poke buttons and see what the results are. But why feel the need to try and interfere with something that is no one else's business but those involved?
I don't quite get the advantage to trying to sabotage something that hasn't even happened yet, with lies and speculation. To be told out of left field that I'm trying to trip someone into bed is ludicrous, offensive, and has no foundation in the truth.
I'm a natural flirt, when I'm comfortable with someone I tease, and flirt and joke around. This doesn't mean anything aside from that. I can point at a dozen people in the community (more), who have the same nature to flirt and joke around with their friends. This hardly means they sleep around. Hell, there's not three people in the community that could step forward and say either 1) I've slept with them, or 2) I've legimitately have tried to sleep with them (in a serious attempt).
I know this, because there's two people in the community I HAVE slept with. One isn't even in the country any longer, and I'm the one that introduced the other TO the community, and she's presently inactive.
So I'd really like to know where I garnered enough of a reputation through play parties and partners, to have earned the disregard to be told that when I happen to like a girl, and enjoy an evening hanging out with her, that my immediate goal is sex. In this lifestyle of ALL places, one would think we could escape that bullshit stigma of all that is on a man's mind is a piece of ass.
Yes this is a rant. No this doesn't matter in the end, because what it comes down to is, no harm, no foul. Aside from being insulting on the part of whoever said something, people have better sense than to believe everything they hear.
At least some people do, anyways. I know a few that don't too.
I'm not looking for justification, or a reason someone contrived to think they were protecting someone else, or wanting to get revenge for some imagined slight... Hell, I'm not even looking for sympathy, empathy, or anything else. This is a rant for me, by me, to get it out there, and to simply say... Grow up.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Fate and Destiny
Oh, how we met on that day in that place, at that time, in that way... It must be fate. You are my destiny...
Such a romantic idealogy. Except in practice, fate and destiny end up being simple and coincidental, pure chance.
In practice, if you believe in fate, believe in destiny... Why are you doing anything? Why go to work? Why go to bars to search for dates, why go on fetlife to find a match, go to play parties, hook up with friends, why look for that one person, why hunt through the masses for your soulmate (which is another arguement entirely).
If fate and destiny truly exist, it means that nothing you do matters. Everything is preplanned, every little act and action, every person you meet, every breath you take, ever meal you eat, ever day you work, every plan cancelled, every plan made. All fate, all leading you to your "destiny".
So why do anything at all? If it is pre-planned. If some omnipotent being(s) already has your number, of Lachesis, Clotho and Atropos already have their weave set and your thread within the pattern matched... Why do anything? By the logic of fate, if you sat on your ass on the couch and played video games all day, or drank yourself into a stupor, if you did nothing but lay in bed beating off or reading, sleeping, if you never bathed, never went into sunlight, if you never acted to better yourself... You'd still get your just desserts.
Someone would knock on your door one day, selling girl guide cookies, or a magazine, or doing some survey, and boom, love at first sight. Turns out he/she is a hippy that likes men/women that don't bathe and play video games with a fifth of whiskey for dinner... And voila, fate plays into motion.
Except that doesn't happen, those events don't unfold except in -really- cheesy porn movies.
Destiny... That you have a pre-planned end before death.
This is about as much of a crock as fate. If you have a pre-planned ending, again, why work towards anything? If your letter "Z" is the same from A-Y, why do what we do from B-Y? Why go to school, why go to college, why try and impress our parents, friends, mates, lovers? Why work for that promotion to provide a better life for your children/Significant other? I mean hell, if Fate is in play, it doesn't matter what you do for them, they've already been cast their lot in life and nothing you do will change that.
Voltaire has a song called "Dead" And there's a verse in it...
God is all knowing
And God is all seeing
Just who do you think that you are
To change his mind?
He already knows what you want
And decided that you didn't need it
So don't bother asking for cures or an answer
God is the one who gave you the cancer.
Which is just another side to fate. No chance, no hope. It's already there, already done, already decided what will happen and what will become of you. If you believe in Fate and Destiny... Why act to better yourself? Your lot in life is already predetermined no matter what you do.
This is of course an entire catch 22 argument in and of itself, yes I know this, because if it's all predetermined, than what you do is predetermined anyways and you have no choice in the act itself, and so on so forth down the line.
In my opinion, and this is purely my opinion.. Those who believe in fate are fatalistic... Ha! Now there's an amusing shtick. Never even saw that till I wrote it. Fatalistic is deadly, lethal, inevitable. And derived from the word Fate to begin with. Thank you Latin for Fatalis.
So those who believe in destiny and fate, are already dooming themselves to mediocrity. They are already saying that they can't get any better than they already have, and yet there are so many out there who still work and press.
Next time someone stares dreamily into your eyes, and asks, "Do you believe in fate?" Ask yourself... Why are you at the bar if you believe in Fate? And then ask yourself if they are hot enough to lie to get into their pants and say "yes".
This is a rant, merely a trigger of thoughts and ideas that spring from a single thing someone said.
On a side note. No, I do not believe in Fate, it is why I work to better myself, my life, and my path on a daily basis. And the only Destiny I believe in, is that I will, one day in the future, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day... End up dead, burned, and mourned by a few people I paid before my death to act like they cared.
That is all.
Cheers.
Such a romantic idealogy. Except in practice, fate and destiny end up being simple and coincidental, pure chance.
In practice, if you believe in fate, believe in destiny... Why are you doing anything? Why go to work? Why go to bars to search for dates, why go on fetlife to find a match, go to play parties, hook up with friends, why look for that one person, why hunt through the masses for your soulmate (which is another arguement entirely).
If fate and destiny truly exist, it means that nothing you do matters. Everything is preplanned, every little act and action, every person you meet, every breath you take, ever meal you eat, ever day you work, every plan cancelled, every plan made. All fate, all leading you to your "destiny".
So why do anything at all? If it is pre-planned. If some omnipotent being(s) already has your number, of Lachesis, Clotho and Atropos already have their weave set and your thread within the pattern matched... Why do anything? By the logic of fate, if you sat on your ass on the couch and played video games all day, or drank yourself into a stupor, if you did nothing but lay in bed beating off or reading, sleeping, if you never bathed, never went into sunlight, if you never acted to better yourself... You'd still get your just desserts.
Someone would knock on your door one day, selling girl guide cookies, or a magazine, or doing some survey, and boom, love at first sight. Turns out he/she is a hippy that likes men/women that don't bathe and play video games with a fifth of whiskey for dinner... And voila, fate plays into motion.
Except that doesn't happen, those events don't unfold except in -really- cheesy porn movies.
Destiny... That you have a pre-planned end before death.
This is about as much of a crock as fate. If you have a pre-planned ending, again, why work towards anything? If your letter "Z" is the same from A-Y, why do what we do from B-Y? Why go to school, why go to college, why try and impress our parents, friends, mates, lovers? Why work for that promotion to provide a better life for your children/Significant other? I mean hell, if Fate is in play, it doesn't matter what you do for them, they've already been cast their lot in life and nothing you do will change that.
Voltaire has a song called "Dead" And there's a verse in it...
God is all knowing
And God is all seeing
Just who do you think that you are
To change his mind?
He already knows what you want
And decided that you didn't need it
So don't bother asking for cures or an answer
God is the one who gave you the cancer.
Which is just another side to fate. No chance, no hope. It's already there, already done, already decided what will happen and what will become of you. If you believe in Fate and Destiny... Why act to better yourself? Your lot in life is already predetermined no matter what you do.
This is of course an entire catch 22 argument in and of itself, yes I know this, because if it's all predetermined, than what you do is predetermined anyways and you have no choice in the act itself, and so on so forth down the line.
In my opinion, and this is purely my opinion.. Those who believe in fate are fatalistic... Ha! Now there's an amusing shtick. Never even saw that till I wrote it. Fatalistic is deadly, lethal, inevitable. And derived from the word Fate to begin with. Thank you Latin for Fatalis.
So those who believe in destiny and fate, are already dooming themselves to mediocrity. They are already saying that they can't get any better than they already have, and yet there are so many out there who still work and press.
Next time someone stares dreamily into your eyes, and asks, "Do you believe in fate?" Ask yourself... Why are you at the bar if you believe in Fate? And then ask yourself if they are hot enough to lie to get into their pants and say "yes".
This is a rant, merely a trigger of thoughts and ideas that spring from a single thing someone said.
On a side note. No, I do not believe in Fate, it is why I work to better myself, my life, and my path on a daily basis. And the only Destiny I believe in, is that I will, one day in the future, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day... End up dead, burned, and mourned by a few people I paid before my death to act like they cared.
That is all.
Cheers.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Charmed, I'm sure
I can be charming and charismatic when I choose to be.
There are a few out there who agree with this statement, and know it for truth, and they are those out there who laugh at this statement, and respond with, "is that before, or after you insult them to the point of wanting to slap you?" ... Usually before, just as an fyi.
I am rarely charming or charismatic. Because my charm is that of a poet, it is soft words, sweet compliments, gently spoken and eloquent in delivery.
However to have the charm of a poet, one must have the heart of a poet. The problem with allowing oneself to have the heart of a poet, is that such a creature loves too easily. It falls as a hopeless romantic where the heart of a cynic stands cold to the brutal winds of reality.
The heart of a poet is easily donned, if given cause, or sometimes by sheer accident, but not so easily removed. When the heart of a poet is set upon the throne within a chest, to be left beating, it needs the attention and emotions of another, it begins to seek it out, and yearns for it.
The heart of a poet... The heart of a tortured artist... So on so forth. It's emotional, intense, and passionate. Yet it can be crushed so easily, so simply, with little effort put behind it. It can be unleashed one night, to soft spoken verses, and tales of the past... Understanding and caring, a shoulder to lean on. However then it begins to read more into what is being said, who is saying it, how it is spoken, and upon the next encounter, there is want, no, need.... There is a desire, a longing for more of it.
Except the heart of a poet doesn't see the truth, it sees what it craves. When the heart of the cynic whispers in it's ear the truth, or when the truth becomes emboldened by blatant statement, it tends to fold. The worst part of such a thing, is it is not the cruel depression of suicide, or the dark voices whispering death, but instead it is the razor shaving off confidence, self-esteem.... Nothing can show a man his worth like the reality of a situation. Or his lack of worth as a case may be.
Being elegant in speech doesn't fix everything, it doesn't help matters any, and when a girl wakes up and realizes that such a thing was indeed merely flowery words and gentle caresses, she may herself check back to reality when someone else offers her more than words, and more than thoughts.
This is a rambling post, I know, with what likely seems no point.
It is a reprimand for myself, it is a reminder of my worth, and why I am not charming all the time. It is a beacon to the heart of the cynic, and why poets don't belong in this world, as cruel and jaded as it is.
Cheers.
There are a few out there who agree with this statement, and know it for truth, and they are those out there who laugh at this statement, and respond with, "is that before, or after you insult them to the point of wanting to slap you?" ... Usually before, just as an fyi.
I am rarely charming or charismatic. Because my charm is that of a poet, it is soft words, sweet compliments, gently spoken and eloquent in delivery.
However to have the charm of a poet, one must have the heart of a poet. The problem with allowing oneself to have the heart of a poet, is that such a creature loves too easily. It falls as a hopeless romantic where the heart of a cynic stands cold to the brutal winds of reality.
The heart of a poet is easily donned, if given cause, or sometimes by sheer accident, but not so easily removed. When the heart of a poet is set upon the throne within a chest, to be left beating, it needs the attention and emotions of another, it begins to seek it out, and yearns for it.
The heart of a poet... The heart of a tortured artist... So on so forth. It's emotional, intense, and passionate. Yet it can be crushed so easily, so simply, with little effort put behind it. It can be unleashed one night, to soft spoken verses, and tales of the past... Understanding and caring, a shoulder to lean on. However then it begins to read more into what is being said, who is saying it, how it is spoken, and upon the next encounter, there is want, no, need.... There is a desire, a longing for more of it.
Except the heart of a poet doesn't see the truth, it sees what it craves. When the heart of the cynic whispers in it's ear the truth, or when the truth becomes emboldened by blatant statement, it tends to fold. The worst part of such a thing, is it is not the cruel depression of suicide, or the dark voices whispering death, but instead it is the razor shaving off confidence, self-esteem.... Nothing can show a man his worth like the reality of a situation. Or his lack of worth as a case may be.
Being elegant in speech doesn't fix everything, it doesn't help matters any, and when a girl wakes up and realizes that such a thing was indeed merely flowery words and gentle caresses, she may herself check back to reality when someone else offers her more than words, and more than thoughts.
This is a rambling post, I know, with what likely seems no point.
It is a reprimand for myself, it is a reminder of my worth, and why I am not charming all the time. It is a beacon to the heart of the cynic, and why poets don't belong in this world, as cruel and jaded as it is.
Cheers.
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