Hot n Cold

You know, I've seen people that are indecisive, and I've seen people that change their mind several times over something.

But I never actually thought a song like "Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry could seriously apply to a person so accurately.

I have never encountered signals so mixed they seem more like a different language poorly translated, than actual words. It's beyond reason, confusing, and baffling, and makes me seriously want to join the priesthood just to avoid dealing with it.

I can do friends. I can do lovers. I can do fuck buddies. I can do damn near anything when it comes to the interaction between myself and another person. I can even do flirtatious behaviour with a friend without ever compromising the friendship.

I mean, I have a friend, she knows I care about her deeply, and she doesn't reciprocate. Despite this, we still flirt, I hug her, kiss her brow, lightly scratch behind her ear (she likes that), and hang out. It's not at all serious, it's not even remotely at risk of me being hurt or everything crumbling down. It's a friendship with feelings, and those feelings are fine where they are, because we both accept our placement in it. How hard is that?

I have had friends where the flirting was more or less, high or low, where sexual acts sometimes came into the equation without actually complicating the friendship. Erika and I had a thing for a bit, we were still friends, we hung out, watched movies, chatted, played video games, and sometimes randomly had sex. This is hardly unhealthy, and it didn't hurt the friendship, as we are -still- friends and she's now in a committed relationship.

This girl, however...? One moment she misses me, and the night got boring when I left, and she wants to see me, and she enjoys her time with me, and she likes the way she fits into my arms, and she wishes she could feel the trace of my touch on her body.... And then the next I fail at friendship for flirting with her, I'm too touchy, and we will -never- date, ever, period, and she doesn't want to keep approaching the subject.

And then it goes back in one direction, then the other, then the other. I think there's been three shifts so far, maybe four. From sweet and flirty to cold, to flirty, to cold, to flirty, to cold again... Yeah, that about sums it up, and all within a week.

I can only do so much, can only take the slap that follows one of these mood swings so many times. I like her, and I think I could, given time, love her, if she ever let me. However that doesn't seem to be a likely scenario right now. I'm fine with that. I just wish it was bloody well made clear to me where I stand.

Right now, I'm going to work it like she's already in a relationship, or plays for the other team. Because honestly, treating her in kind to how she treats me, just seems to blow up in my face and cause huge issues in the short term until she bounces back to the other end of the spectrum. I see how the connection is there, and I see what she's trying to do, but I'm not the typical man, and I'm not going to let such behaviour through me that far off my game.

And no, I don't mean courting as a game, I mean simply my behaviour, my attitude, etc.

I should just join the priesthood. Better sexless and spreading fiction than getting spun around like a top just for being interested in a girl.

Party is this friday. I can't say if I'll have another entry by then or not. Seems I'm writing a lot more lately, and you kow what? She's probably to blame for that. Hell, I know she's to blame for that, because every post here has been relating to her in some fashion or another since the "Charmed" Post. Maybe even the one before that, though I don't think so.

Frustrating, that is all it is. Horribly, seriously, endlessly, frustrating.

I'll get through though, and I won't let it push my buttons as much as it has, because seriously... This is getting ridiculous.


Cheers.