Lesson Learned

I would like to begin with the disclaimer that I may or may not be drunk, the numbness through my body implies that I am, as well as the many backspaces required. However the two drinks I've had leans in another direction... the fact said drinks were half and half whiskey/coke may lend to the drunk state.

Disclaimer aside.... Alcohol when already dealing with shit... Not the best of ideas, alcohol is a social enabler. It breaks the barriers that one keeps up to protect them, it makes you do stupid shit when you shouldn't even speak, act or move.

Also, this is now the morning after, so my disclaimer doesn't mean shit anymore. Yay!

The party was a success, plenty of people, a lot less play this time around than other parties... Which is fine, I did a demonstration with impact toys, proper handling and use... And then I had an intense Scene with a bear of a man.

The girl I like was all over the board. Outside, inside, downstairs, upstairs.

It should be noted, the reason this isn't a drunken ramble, is because after I retreated to my room, she came in, while I was finishing the second paragraph, and asked why I "fagged out" and why I hadn't tried harder to spend time with her. When I made the comment that I had tried, but it's hard to compete with her getting very cuddly with other men, she got pissed off and told me that if I wanted to blame other guys, fine, but not to use it as an excuse.

Then she left... Will explain more when I get to it.

So I had my demonstration, she was no where in sight, despite a comment that she wanted to see it, wanted to "see me in action" as she put it. The demo went off without a hitch, people say I did well, I have no idea as a lot of it was a blur to me in that aspect... All eyes on me and the like.

I went upstairs to confirm things for the take down demonstration someone else was doing, saw her. I made a comment that she had missed my demo, she said "yup, I got detained." I asked if she had been detained by the fire pit, she said, "Nope! hehe" and bounced off. End of discussion there. I've already been snapped at for being invasive and asking her a follow up question.

So she vanished again, she was there while I Scened with Gavilan (bear of a man... literally), and I tried to speak with her while three very lovely ladies gave Gav his aftercare and brought him back... Which offered me two thoughts... I wish I had someone else to do my aftercare for me all the time, and two.... Lucky fucking bastard.

I spoke with her for a little bit there, discussing the rudiments of aftercare, etc... and then she poofed upstairs when I turned around to make sure Gav was cool, and he thanked me, and so on so forth... I stayed downstairs for a lil bit longer, expecting Gavilan's wife to come down for a session as well. However when she did come down, she was accompanied by another Domme. So I let them have at it, that was the end of my responsibilities, I went upstairs, poured myself a drink and prepared to enjoy what remained of the night.

So she was talking to one of the guests, and I slipped over to join in on the conversation, also because the only unoccupied seats were out in the hallway. Of course, this turned out to be an exercise in futility, since the conversation was about the guy and his ex, and how he worked hard to look after her even after she screwed him over and he wanted to take care of her, and how charming he is, and sweet, and nice, and.... Ok, yeah, that is bitching... And he really is a great guy. I like him, he's cool, and really, anyone that cares enough to make sure even an ex that cheated on you is safe and secure... Deserves respect.

Which he got from me. He also got flirts and cuddles from her. Which swiftly shifted to her helping someone with their corsette, and then vanishing outside... I went to refill my drink... Spoke with alei for a bit, who was a huge and awesome surprise for coming to the party...

And when she came back in from her smoke outside (the girl, not alei)... She... Ok, wait.... background.

Earlier in the night, before anything happened (demonstration, play, drinking, etc)... She was chatting up a few people, and I was leaning back against the wall, and I leaned forward, and drew my nails down along her arm... Not hard, not rough, no where inappropriate... Just down her arm. And she gave me a glare... A "if looks could kill..." glare. So message taken, don't touch.

Alright, so when she comes back in from outside, she joins me in watching the take down artist with dani. As he has dani down for the count, she starts massaging his shoulders. relaxing him... touching him... I said good bye to a couple of people while she did this, pointedly avoiding it... and then she was in her Protector's arms. Which is cool, I know there's nothing there to be worried about... And then Itami (takedown artist) comes up behind her when she's getting a drink, and grabs her... and does he get a glare? Or a reprimand? Nope. She giggled and hopped into his lap. It was around this time I decided I was done for the night.

I polished off my second drink, finished up a conversation with the big guy that takes care of his ex, and when people retreated to the basement to watch Song and sar at their scene... I came in here and started to write this, which would have come out a lot more vicious and likely with more spelling errors, had I actually finished it last night.

Then she came in, the argument happened there... I stopped writing because my mind was confused. I mean, how the hell is it -my- fault, when she prefers the company of other men? How is it -my- fault, for not pursuing her, when the last time I pursued her, I was told my flirting was over the top, I fail at friends, and I was too touchy. How is any of that my fault?? I didn't see her making an effort to come and see me, I didn't see her finding me at all, she waited until I found my way to her... I'm not going to look like a lost puppy, because it's bad enough people know I have it bad for her, why compound it?

So I shut my monitor off, stripped down, and crawled into bed. Safest place to be when shit is blowing up in your face and the alcohol has you in a bad state of mind. I was in bed for less than ten minutes when she comes back into my room... No knocking, no "mind if I come in?"... just comes back into my room... Which she did the first time too...

And she tells me she's invading my space, she comes to my bed, lays down next to me, curls up against me, puts her head on my chest, and falls asleep........ Yeah, I wasn't confused enough, right?

She slept in my arms for perhaps 10-15 minutes, then her protector decided they were leaving. Took me almost five minutes to rouse her enough to leave. If it took much more, I'd have just let it drop, slept with her pressed against me all night, and gotten her home somehow today.

But she did wake up and leave. And I slept... and she texted, surprised she had fallen asleep in my arms. Again reinforced the "friends only" clause and I made my case when she said it was "Sad I didn't try"...

It was a lose/lose situation if you consider it... I act the friend, don't crowd her, don't push too hard, and take her physical queues to back off (glaring at me, getting close to other guys), and I'm suddenly not trying, and lose points.... But had I been more aggressive, pushed harder, pressed for her time, hunted her down and made the extra effort that said I wanted to court her... I'd get slammed for being too clingy, for hunting a relationship she's not willing to give, and so on so forth down the line.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and by the end of the night, I was damned.

So here I stand, sit... Next day... relaying this while talking to her via text. And I'm going to ask her, if she knows she confuses me, if she's aware of what she is doing that confuses me... Why does she do it? Hell, any kind of insight is better than what I'm rolling with now.