There's a difference between apathy, and indifference. The two are commonly associated, and usually confused with being synonymous with each other. They are not.
I've been guilty of the confusion, and have often considered myself apathetic. Apathy is the incapability of caring. Indifference is just not caring.
I'm indifferent. I have the capacity to care, I simply do not more often than not.
I'm not sure what else to consider it, really. Being indifferent to much in my life has kept me, for the most part, protected from it. My defensive mechanisms keep me protected as much as they harm what could ever be seen as something of a social life.
I'm egotistical... A form of peacocking... Cats do it, roosters, several lizards... Puffing out the fur/feathers/frills, pushing to look larger than life, when there's little to the core of it, in hopes that it will scare off predators. Of course, humans tend to act slightly differently, and it's as often likely to draw a predator as to scare them away.
I don't handle serious situations particularly well. I do... But I don't. I use humour to avoid allowing anything get too weighty, too indepth. Things can matter, they can be important, with an extreme gravity behind them, I'll still crack a joke at the inappropriate time. It's one of the main reasons that any relationship I am ever in, just doesn't work. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone that can't take anything seriously. I do take things seriously, inside, somewhere... Deep down where ya can't see, it can't get out, and it's probably begging to see the light of day.
I push people away. I have a habit, when someone is getting too close to me, to finding what buttons really upset them, hurt them, make them angry... And push them. Over and over again. I make them not want to be around me, because I'm simply -that- insensitive, that intolerable. It's easier if you can predict when and how a person will leave your life, because you are the cause, than if you are left in the dark just waiting for it to happen.
These things, I suppose, make me broken. They've been developed over the years, some more subtle, some less subtle, and on the whole, just as ridiculously overt and effective as they were ten years ago. People still don't like someone that can't hold a serious conversation when it is needed, they don't want to be around an egotistical prick who doesn't respect their boundaries. In the end, what it will amount to, is I will die alone.
There's many parts of me that hates the thought of that. I don't like being alone, I don't enjoy being in the dark with nothing to keep me company but the odd voice whispered in my mind that life isn't worth living and if I just found a sharp enough blade it could be done and over with. I don't enjoy that, but it has been a part of my existence for over 15 years. I'm ok with it, now. I can control the voice, or at the very least ignore it.
As many as the parts are that despise being alone, and hate the thought of being in the dark alone with no one at my side. There's a few parts, deep down, that accept it. It's life, it is going to happen the way it is meant to happen, and there is nothing that will change that. I can live with fate, or destiny, or what-have-you.
I had friends over on friday. I don't drink alone, but when someone is there to drink with, I have no issues on when it begins (mostly). So my first drink was poured shortly after noon. My last drink was poured around 10pm. I wasn't horribly drunk, but I was definitely on the heavy side of buzzed.
It was a fun day, with joking, talking, chilling out, discussing this and that, mocking people in our lives who think they matter, and recounting the marks of stupidity that other people have made in their lives thinking they're right.
One person left shortly after 10pm. The other stayed the night.
Nothing happened, not in the typical sense that one would expect when a girl spends the night in my bed. Well, it's not like she'd be the first to sleep in my bed as a friend with nothing happening. Camille slept in my bed without anything untoward happening. Admittedly, more happened friday night than was strictly appropriate. Which was my fault. I, as per the norm with this person, read body language wrong, acted on it wrong, and mayhaps pushed a touch too far at the wrong time.
Again, nothing too extreme... Just... Stupidity.
I'm not necessarily sure how to take it, in truth. How one can say they may have feelings for me, but they see how doomed any relationship can be, between her and I, and as such isn't going to approach it at all. That's supposed to be my line, and it's not supposed to hit them until at least two or three weeks into the relationship.
I get it, of course. I can see the billion reasons it wouldn't be a good idea anyways, of course, in my mind, most of them circle around my low self-esteem and shitty self-image issues. On the brighter note, self-confidence, and self-image aside, I've become damned good at hiding my insecurities from the world. You'd almost think I was a normal human being most of the time.
There's not a lot new going on in my life, if truth were to be told. More of the same, and less of the different. It's just a day in, day out, survival of the norm at this point in my life. Which I'm alright with, because as long as things are the same, it means they can't be worse, and my life, the last update that was given on my life, is actually going pretty well.
I do have an appointment on wednesday with my Neurologist. They have the results back from the trip to the genetics clinic, and will be more than happy to share those results with me. This is a benefit, as it will give me new information that I didn't have before, or at the very least hint at new information that I didn't have before. Or confirm the hints of the old information to make it new with a different coloured bow around it...?
Whatever it does, it will be more than I have now. Not that what I have now is all that spectacular.
Which reminds me, after the genetics clinic, I need to make an appointment with my doctor. If I truly think I can apply for ODSP, it won't be something easily attained if some of my medical issues are unmedicated. There is no medication for my genetic shit, but my depression can be controlled. There are some old school drugs that haven't been attempted yet, or new ones that have a prettier wrapper on them. Lithium, Ativan... I've not had either of those, and though lithium is better for manic episodes (which I've not had one of in awhile), I've read it can help as a backbone for other medications, and I've heard good things about ativan.
So it is a thought, and it is a hope. I can always see what can be worked out. If I need to find a cocktail that keeps me sane without making me a robot, I will do it. Not everything is a one pill fix after all. At least not until I find a prescription for Fukitol.
Cheers,
Chris.
