Mini-vent

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did?
And how I hope to god he was worth it
when the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
than any boy you'll ever meet sweety you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
no no no, you know it will always just be me.....

I remember when I first heard panic! at the disco. Was playing Burnout 2 with friends and my friend had set them up on his xbox as a play list to overlap the game itself.

I also remember dedicating this very song to an ex-girlfriend when she left me for someone else. Perhaps a light immature revenge, however satisfying nonetheless for the time. The result though was a very large plaster vase being hurled at my head with extreme velocity. Turns out dedicating a song to your superiority to her choices while at her place of work is -not- the greatest delivery.

Over the years I've become horribly precise in my choices of play partners, lovers, and encounters. My standards have slid from substandard to sky high as my confidence and experience have increased through... well... experience.

Knowing your own value can be the height of closure. To know where you stand, and where others stand in regards to you, can be the different between being butt hurt over a "no" and finding complete amusement in opposiing facts and antics of someone.

I enjoy where I am now, compared to where I was years ago. I enjoy being able to look at a woman, and not think, "out of my league", but instead am able to say, with certainty, and she's the one to lose on it. It took me years to reach that point, moving through thought processes. My first step in that direction came from a past relationship, and Vertical Horizon... I remember the song...

I'm everything you want
I'm everything you need
I'm everything inside of you
that you wish you could be
I say all the right things
at exactly the right time
but I mean nothing to you
and I don't know why....

Back then I did say all the right things at the right time. I was careful with my words, I thought, re-thought, and then re-examined every word before it left my lips, because it had so much meaning behind it, so much innuendo, so many lines to read between, so many shadows covering subtleties. I don't say the right things anymore. I say the truth, I speak my mind, and I do it with simple honesty.

Honesty is a hard thing to ask from someone, after all, when someone is only looking for one thing, the truth and honesty is rarely in their play book. Of course, when they lie and abuse a situation, they do tend to miss out on the truth of things, a friendship that could have been, or a simple life that should have been... I do so hate liars and users.

Which should be clarified, I suppose... the users part. Since everyone uses everyone for something at some point. It's usually symbiotic, it is how life goes, after all.

However people who have the sole goal to use someone, someones, to merely get by on looks, or cheekiness, or the belief that someone will always catch them when they fall... Those people bother me.

Not sure what I'm saying, over all... Venting things from my mind, getting them off my chest before they implode, I suppose. Which is a shame they are there in that context, since they never flow as well when it is pressured in such a way. I may edit this in the future, but I highly doubt it, as I am a procrastinator, and even if it is maddenly out of order and much out of context, it gets a point across.

Such is life... On a brighter note, I know where I've wasted my time, and have had it reinforced twice over. Now I know where to place my generosity in the future. Shame that, as I'm a very generous and loyal friend when it comes down to the bottom line.

Cheers,
Me.