That little voice

How do you write a journal about wanting to die, without people thinking you actually want to do it?

How do you vent your emotions without people thinking you're whining for attention, or wanting an intervention?

I suppose the two answers are... You write it anyways, as you would write anything, and you post it in a blog you haven't touched in months because you just didn't have the energy to put your thoughts to the screen and you were sitting in a limbo of nothing changing.

Nothing is changing. Nothing is moving forward. I made a resolution to myself that I would stop letting the world stop me from acting. I would stop letting the opinions of others corner me in my room and actually go out and socialize at events. The result? I broke it within a week based on my opinion of someone else.

Instead of going to the Munch and seeing people I've not seen in months, I stayed home, because I didn't want to share a vehicle/ride with someone I have nothing but contempt for. A man I don't respect, and barely tolerate purely for the sake of the friend who is giving him a second chance.

So I stayed in, and watched shows, and did nothing.

Doing nothing seems to be a running theme with me lately. I went on one date before christmas with a girl that I just didn't click with. There was no chemistry. We had coffee, talked about nothing specific, and it was left at that, I texted her afterwards, talked for a bit, and I've not heard from her since.

Another girl I was texting with recently decided to use me as a sounding board for her feelings for another guy. You don't quite know the feeling of being a pointless waste of space until a person who knows you like them disregards your feelings entirely in order to ask you about someone they have feelings for.

I'm in limbo.

The thing is, nothing is going to change unless I change it, but every attempt at changing it made by me is meeting a blockade, a barrier, a hurdle that I'm either unable to jump over, or unwilling to push through.

I'm almost 30 years old. I'll be 29 in a week. Achievements in the past year? Let me think... In no particular order:

* Dumped a girl who was lying to me about not wanting a relationship when she simply didn't want one with me
* Cut a girl out of my life who was lying to me about being raped but someone we both knew
* Went on three dates with various girls that simply went nowhere.
* Went to one social event of three that I was invited to.
* Cut Travis out of my life for siding with the girl that lied to me, since he decided she was the better choice.
* Lost Kait as a friend because Travis and her can't have their own friends.
* Got a Playstation 3, which consumes far too much time.
* Got into, and out of, Final Fantasy XIV.
* Doubled up on my depression medication.

So in the past year it looks like I at least made -some- effort towards finding a mate to be with, for all the good it did me in the end. A relationship is a two person deal, but it still rests on me to act.

I'm on two dating sites, which may be a good start, but let's face it, I'm somewhat shallow, and that means the women I message likely log on to an inbox with over 20 messages daily, and fetlife may have a decent number of single women on it, but the barrie community is so incestuous (friendcestuous?) that finding a girl who hasn't met a person that dislikes me, or hasn't been with several of the men in the community already (all of which have abnormally large penises... seriously, wtf?), is nigh on improbable.

I'd pay for a dating site, but that's an expense that has little chance of actually working, after all, if you pay for a dating site, and it actually works, then you no longer need to pay for the dating site and they lose the income. eHarmony or whatever it is, doesn't have matches for me, at least they're honest about it (which is funny).

I'm treading water, and though I'm acting in some respects towards a better tomorrow, because it keeps falling short, I feel like I'm doing nothing. I'm trying to save money, buy groceries more often, but I'm a procrastinator, so it is never easy for me to actually -do- it. I don't have the energy, or I forget, or I order pizza instead.

I'm trying to work through my issues, but even with the medication there's a small part of me, that nagging voice in the back of me head, that tells me nothing I do matters.

It's kind of funny, though. When I started writing this, it didn't really register that I am trying to better myself. It may not be in the easiest manner, it may not even be in the fastest manner, but it is happening.

I am trying to find someone, and I am trying to be more social. Well, that second one may be a little of a fib. But only a little, because I really am trying, it just isn't necessarily going according to plan, and I'm not entirely sure how I would fix that.

I have a lot to work on, and ignoring that nagging voice in the back of my head is still priority one.

Cheers,

Chris.