There Lies The Rub

As I write this entry, I don’t have an internet connection. Turns out a formatted computer sucks up a lot of bandwidth. So until midnight tonight, I’m stuck with nothing for online entertainment, which of course also limits my socializing to…Well…Nothing. Granted, the exception to this, is that jocelyn and I are supposed to get together this evening. Which will not only make the time pass more quickly, but will also settle a smile upon my features.

I realized something last night. Something I haven’t felt in years. Which perhaps may be less surprising, if the last time I had felt this, hadn’t involved deep emotion. The last time I felt this was when my phone rang, and teresa was on the other side of it.

That brought a smile to my face as well. Those years ago… Almost six years now, since she and I parted ways.

I don’t get chills down my spine often. In fact, it’s almost never. I don’t get surprised, shocked, scared, elated, etc, very easily. It usually requires a solid effort and a very extensive circumstance to make my mind flip through that signal to ripple that feeling down my back. Anticipation, I suppose it may be considered.

Saturday night, I felt a shiver course down my spine in anticipation, hope, perhaps desire. Not sure precisely how I can define it. Why? Because my phone rang out with a text message. I very rarely receive text messages in this day and age. Not many people am I that connected with. Usually just a, “where are you now?” Or “are you off work?” kind of thing.

Except with jocelyn. She doesn’t like talking on the phone, however she texts. At times rather often. Though there are also points I’ve noticed where I will go a couple days without hearing from her, without a word, text, msn, or any kind of notice. Which of course has me weighing the point of, “How many text messages is considered stifling?”… I’ve settled on three a day, unless there’s a response. One perhaps in the morning, one in the mid afternoon, and perhaps one in the evening… Just simple greetings, see how things are, and see what comes of it all.

Last night, it was Shaun, however the anticipation of that, that it may have been her. I don’t know, kind of leaves a trace of elation within my mind. Perhaps I’m not as numb as I like to claim, or perhaps it is settling through the boundaries of infatuation. Not sure, however whichever it is, I will deem it as a good thing.

Love? No. I am not so naïve as that. Far from it. It will take much more than a mere text message to insight feelings like that in me. However at the same time, I realize what I do feel, is more than a like. Adoration perhaps is not properly used, and care seems a little strong. Not sure how to describe it, without a proper thesaurus on hand, I probably would lose the synonym with the right level of meaning.

I suppose, if loathe were a -10, hate -5, indifference a perfect 0, like a 3, care a 7, perhaps adore would be a 5, love a 8, and worship a 10… I don’t know…Perhaps settling around a 6? Maybe… I honestly don’t even know how to measure that. I don’t think it can be measured, even with that kind of theoretical chart.

I don’t know. I know that listening to country music while house cleaning (classic country) can definitely stir different things in the mind. It isn’t necessarily bad, of course. However I don’t know what I’m setting myself up for. Not even sure where this is going. Which is amusing, seen as I am the kind of person to look twenty steps into the future. Every possible outcome, right?

Well, I have looked at every possible outcome, and I’ve looked at the paths they take… Never have I been more unsure of which fork in the road to take. Its caution, not patience. The two can’t be confused, not in this instance. I can leisurely, with endless patience, walk a million trails, take the forks as I know I must, and take the turns which present and I know to be the right way. That is patience. That is confidence.

This is different. I’m not leisurely walking with confidence. I am moving forward, and every fork I encounter, I am stopping, trying to see into the future of both forks, and figure out which one I am seeking. Which one am I looking for? What happens if I go down it, and I couldn’t see far enough ahead?

I’m pushing myself too much. Making too much of what shouldn’t be anything. I should just taking it as it comes. I need to get myself in that mindset. I am my own enemy. Or perhaps my loneliness is my worst enemy. In either case, I need to realize, that if I wait too long, or if I move too fast, I will have lost it all before it even starts.

There lies the rub, as Shakespeare has written.

I’m better than this. I’m more confident than this. I’m superior to this.

Some people may read this journal, and think it may be seeking for attention. In truth, I post it online, on this blog, because if it is on my computer, it may be lost, forgotten, and it won’t be there for my own access. I read back on my posts, you know. I look back at what I was thinking back in January of this year, of last year when the blog was started. I read through my various problems, how I dealt with them, and I remember. Its my life experience, because as I go along, my own memory is flawed.

I have the link up on my MSN for my readers, for you, because sometimes the words of a friend, the opinion of a stranger, the words of someone on the outside looking in, can offer more insight into my own personal problems. I have a no secrets clause in my life. You ask, I tell. It doesn’t matter the question, the inquiry, or the goal of the question. Emotionally and literally, there is nothing in my life that is a weakness to me to be used against me. Someone keeping secrets is hiding something, that if discovered, can be used against them.

That is my belief, and as jaded as it is, experience has shown me that it can be very true. So I have a choice: I can hold my own council, and trust no one…Because one moment of misplaced trust –and if you trust anyone, its already misplaced for secrets – can destroy you. Or I can be open, without fear, without secret, and let all the chips fall where they may, and not only trust those I care for (like Jenn, Shaun, Gerry and others), but let myself trust others as well with anything they may want to know.

A little off topic perhaps. Though… What is the topic of any of my entries? This entry is a little long, perhaps, but I want to vent a little, let a bunch of my steam out to float around.

Though for the time being, I am done. I’m going to go grab a shower, after all, if jocelyn is coming over this evening, will have to be shaven and clean.

Getting this all out there, written and unedited as my mind flies through thoughts, has made me realize a few things. Which is exactly what I needed.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

PS

I know I said I was without internet...I connected it, so I can get this post up, and just cuz I love my internet too much. Heh.

And There I Stand

I stand on a vanilla Plateau, overlooking a valley of bondage, with the plains of gor in the distance. My journey from the white on high, to the plains far beyond, is long and not necessarily smooth.

It seems romantic, perhaps, or maybe even poetic. I imagine, with some change to verbiage, and a touch of deference to alliteration, I could probably turn it into something epic in proportions.

However, I look at it, not so much as an epic journey, but as an obstacle course to run through...Yet even that is not so much an accurate assessment...Probably not so accurate due to precisely how tired I am...And I am indeed very tired.

I'm a lil saddened by it, because how tired I am, means I'm not going to Shaun's tonight. And I know if he reads this, or he realizes it, I'm going to get a few calls with the, "pull your panties out of your ass, get a clean dress, and stop being a bitch." Which is his right of course...I wanted to hang out with him at some point this weekend too, and early as well, because a friend of his from belleville is in for the night I guess.

I'm hopin' he'll be there tomorrow as well. Want to meet him, because honestly, everyone Shaun knows is reportedly cool. Bret was cool, Mr. "I just held a guy with alcohol poisoning, now I want my beer."

But on another note, another level even, my interactions with jocelyn are exhibiting some interesting reactions in my mind...Well, more then that....However I'm still sorting through all of that and figuring out exactly where everything is going.

My opening paragraph is accurate. I need to make that mental, and emotional, journey, from where I have forced myself, where I have adapted my romantic tendencies to fit in to the world as it is, to where I once was, to that point of Natural Instinct.

Vanilla...Simple, calm, the base of all romantic interaction, and rather mundane in everything it is. A plateau over which I look the hobbies and rituals I had forgotten, the twisted paths and kinked walks which lead to the rainbow valley of the BDSM world.

A world which I never encountered, until well into my Gorean Lifestyle. The kink and activities therein were something unfamiliar to me...Granted, with the lessons and tutorship I had received from my Mentors in Gor, the activities of BDSM even seemed mundane, and very easy to catch on to. I learned the proper method of asphyxiation, knife play, rudimentary torture methods on a sadist level, including the lighter modes of the masochist level.

The finer points of the flogger, whip, hot wax play, etc.... Some of the things I didn't pay close enough attention to were those such as rope bondage. I always found it so much easier to work with a rack, or cuffs.

However, as I slid through the BDSM community, I somehow staggered out the back side of it, onto the vanilla plateau. I remained there for some time, until..well...Jocelyn. Now I am venturing down from this adaptation, through her world...the bdsm fringes...

I'll make my way through that, and settle through the routines once more, and as I meet her in the middle of her world (emotionally and mentally, not literally), I will guide her out the otherside, to my left and a pace behind, into my world. That of the Plains of Gor which I was raised.

Well, figurative, of course. Though I won't deny the culture of the Plains of Turia appeals to me far more then, say, that of Port Kar, or the City of Ar...Granted, they have their lure. Just not something for me.

Anyways...As I await the end of work, I'm just going to sit here, half awake, mostly asleep, and see how much I can endure before I can go home and relax.

Peace out, All.

The Zodiak.

Once I get my head around it....

I'm rusty.

My last relationship sprung from her not being able to keep herself off of me when we met, and it was a one night stand that never ended. My relationship before that, sprung from more then two years of being friends online, and her being in the area for a couple months.

This isn't even a relationship yet, and I'm trying to get my head wrapped around if that is just the way it should be, or if I've simply not seized oppurtunity for fear of fucking it up.

Tonight was a date. There was really no other way to define it. Dinner, conversation, a set time, and only one meeting place. It was a date. It ended in a hug. Why? Because, as opposed to the -normal- me, which would have went in for the kiss, to press my lips to her's...The normal me, which would have seized the "good night" moment to be so much more... Was off his normal game, and actually -asked- what would happen if I did it.

She's already voiced her opinion there, that she is inexperienced in intimacy in that sense, and that she can be skittish and doesn't want to rush it. So why the hell is the Dominant one in this mix, being the one to confirm.

Probably because, unlike the past three relationships I've been in, I actually happen to like her. Suppose that can make a big difference...If you don't want to fuck it up royally by making the wrong move, you tend to hesitate, and check the ground before you tread.

So I'm feeling a bit of an ass. Its the second time I've contemplated a kiss, only to back away from it the last minute because of the way she behaves. Sometimes I can't take my eyes off of her, watching the way she moves, acts, behaves, speaks... She usually gives me a look at that point that seems to say, "What'd I do wrong? Why the attention?" and when she asks, can really only reply, that she is beautiful.

Not much more to say to it. The girl is stunning in appearance. More so then any woman I have been with in a very long time. She has a temper, has an attitude, is stubborn. She even has the nose piercing as a slave of the Plains may have....Well, -a- nose piercing...Not necessarily a loop.

This almost sounds pathetic to write it out...But hell, even if I bellied up to bitch in this given circumstance... I don't blame myself for not wanting to blow this one. I'll tread as lightly as though the ice were cracking beneath me, before I rush through guns blazing.

Not gonna fuck this one up. Every time I ran in guns blazing in the past, it was short term and didn't last. So, friend or more...One step at a time is how I'm going to take this one. See where it leads me, one night at a time.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Alright, so monday night, I said some things. Well, the whole post itself was saying one thing.

And this is me, simply, publicly, and privately, admitting that I jumped to conclusions, and was rather astranomically wrong.

Coincidence is not something I usually favour, and it is that lack of favor for the strangest of occurances which lends to my over abundant source of coming to a decision and swearing by it. Now, this has worked for me rather consistently, because if it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, it tends to be a duck. This time around, it was a Swan.

Yeah, bad ugly duckling reference, however, it is a reference which works for me at this time.

Alright, so you are probably all wondering what the fuck could possibly, on any level, in any way, shape, or form, cause this man, myself, a man built on Pride and Ego, to admit he is wrong. To actually bow my head to the light and give ground on anything, let alone my insistence of always being right.

An angel.

Well, perhaps more a demoness with heavenly features. I've yet to determine, or decide, precisely what her origin is in that respect.

It was her call, I left it in her court, as the last two meetings I set up, blew up, and something, one thing or another, caused it to not happen. I assumed at the time, I had been stood up. Assume makes an Ass out of "U" and Me.

She decided today would be ideal, we both had it off. We met up at the Bayfield Mall at 3:00pm...Well, we ended up being a little early (both of us)...We walked, and talked...we took in the beauty of the day in Sunnidale park. Talking, just chatting. Nothing was heavy, or serious...Just casual conversation.

We touched on the topic of lifestyle, talked of family, friends, etc....Had it ended there, I'd have walked away with a smile. I led, and she followed. We went for coffee, which "conveniently" brought us to my door step.

I won't deny having had that in mind from the beginning. I just wasn't sure precisely how comfortable she would be with it. Turns out she was perfectly fine with it. To be truthful, there isn't much worry around me. My Honor and Integrity, that of a Gorean, tends to keep me honest, even if I stand by the position that I take what I want.

She just left not too long ago. In the end, it comes out to near seven hours together, talking, joking, some serious conversation, and everything kept rather innocent. Well, for the most part innocent. There were one or two points where things got...Interesting...Without getting physical.

I'd like to think there was something there, a magnetism, a chemistry. I mean hell, seven hours of conversation, less then 40 minutes of training in simple positions...You'd think we'd have run out of something to talk about by then...Yet we never did. Topics bounced from one to the other, and back, then around again.

For the most part, we both had input on near every topic, being the typical self I am, I listened to everything she had to say. Granted, listening and remembering are different things...My horrible memory tends to shatter many things. I mean, I can't necessarily remember most of what we talked about, so lost was I in the depths of her eyes... (there's a bad excuse, I just don't remember because I was content with merely conversing with her, but the eye thing sounds so much more romantic, eh?)...

So, my voice is near as lost as though I'd spent the day on the phones...I can merely look at it, and take from it, that I made a good impression. Hell, not much I could have done differently to make a better one, except perhaps avoid that intense moment...Though had I avoided that, I'd have been someone other then myself.

This day was filled with one thing. Her. I woke up, had a shower, did some minor cleaning, watched a little tv, and then went to the mall. From there, I suppose Nirvana would be an overstatement for the rest of it. However it was rather...blissful.

I can say, friend, lover, student, or slave, my interaction with her will be a truly...beneficial...chapter in my life. One which I hope, rather simply, will not end anytime in the near, or far off future.

So there you have it...Screen shot the admission above, for never will I voice it to any but the one deserving of the appology, and even then, only if she asks.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Boiling Tar

Ever see that visual? Bubbling, boiling, the pitch turning, popping...Dark and ghastly, coursing, flowing as it rises and pops...searing the air with a stench of decay. Threatening all around it with a consuming grave of eternity.

That is my emotions right now. There's no rhyme or reason behind it, and like that pit of bubbling tar, there is no use for it. Its just a black pit that frothes with an unseen rage beneath the surface.

So woke up today, after the happenings of last night...And was already in a dark mood, but something passable as human. Look outside, and just one of those little kicks in the ass...The garbage men took two of the garbage cans that were outside....The two that belonged upstairs.

So now I have a full can of garbage on my front porch for another week, and still have two rooms in my apartment to clean. Hard to clean without a place to dispose of the trash. Which normally I'd use as an excuse, except that I made sure to put out recycling and garbage last night, so I could finish cleaning up tomorrow.

So there's that in the shitter. I'm less than impressed. I'll still get the dishes done at least, so that is something at least.

I hate dishes.

I'm caught in a pretty nasty loop too. I'm depressed, yet angry, and can't channel my depression into anything worthwhile, which pisses me off even more, which in turn seethes into a darker depression, which points out its useless touch on artistic approach, which then leads to more anger, insert cycle here.

Just can't get that image out of my head of the viscous liquid broiling under unseen heat with no use other then to destroy.

Work was less then pleasant. Opened up split in two queues. I hate being split. It drives me insane, slowly, and irrevocably, insane. My insistent headache didn't help (though the half a bottle of tylenol I popped eased that a lil), and then being told that the person who intended to take my half shift, couldn't take it because a supervisor forced extra hours on her, was icing on the cake.

Yeah, this post is a bitch fest....Gotta get the negativity out somehow, right?

Anyways...Shit happens, got most of it out of my system just by going through sword forms in my living room. Is about the only cool thing of the last couple days, realizing my ceiling is high enough to swing the 28" kendo stick around without hitting anything.

So, Peace out, and stay safe.

The Zodiak.

Surpisingly Unsurprised

You know, considering she's a lifestyler, someone who shares the same concepts and beliefs as I do. Or at least near to them, you'd expect a little more from it.

At the very least, maybe honesty.

So, two nights stood up in a row. Which given circumstance can be understandable. However with my own experience with people, once is coincidence, twice is conspiracy.

I will be honest though, considering just a few nights ago, we had an indepth conversation on emotions, leading people on, and using people. Which may not mean much, except that she pushed the side that said using people was wrong, and that leading someone on, without the grace of honesty, was more hurtful when shutting them down without pre-amble.

I of course played devil's advocate, as I so often do, and brought up the expectations, the benefit to a gentle release as opposed to a cut rope. Granted, with my jaded personality, it doesn't take much for me to argue pros, or cons, to any argument.

However, in the end, things are what they are. After all, I can hardly fault the girl for her behaviour. Its human nature to deceive, to cower from change and something perhaps different.

I'll let her take the next step, decide if its something she prefers to salvage, or if she wants to let it go. Like a cat chasing the string, I've already lost interest with this one as it remains not only out of reach, but unseen.

So, Jocelyn, if you decide to read this, I don't bode hard feelings, as we've discussed, its water off a ducks back, and every situation is taken in stride. If you decide that perhaps you wish to learn from a Master, or even have a friend whom can share his wisdom, let me know. Otherwise, have a good life, and I hope you find what you're looking for.

On another note, in reference to your msn saying you need a place to stay, I have a couch which I'm told is comfortable.

Stay Safe, All.

The Zodiak.

Smaller breaks in news

Alright, so more is happening, which seems to be the trend in my life, things don't happen one at a time, several things pile up at once, and I just deal with them as they come.

Its similar to the queue in my job, I take five or six calls in a row, then sit with nothing to do for the next ten minutes before another burst of calls comes through and again I have to deal with everything all at once.

So yeah, didn't take me too long to get over that acquaintance being single. Actually, it took precisely one day since my last post. Why? Because like any man, I have a short attention span when it comes to women. Well, not so much a short attention span, as an easily distracted mind.

A man can chase a woman to the end of the world, with enough interest, he doesn't care how hard to get she plays. However, if she plays hard to get, and another woman comes along, it doesn't take long for him to give up the chase and turn to another pursuit.

Think of it like a cat. Cats love to play with their toys, they'll chase that string nonstop around in circles. It happens all the time...However, if they never catch it, and all of a sudden there's a ball of yarn, the string doesn't exist to them anymore.

Men are cats at play. Suppose that works for an analogy...Kind of?

Hell if I know, I'm tired, worked yesterday, and been edgy all day today. I'm sitting at home, cleaning, instead of being out with friends for a birthday party of another friend...Well, acquaintance. Truth be told, I don't like him all that much. Admittedly, he's not a -bad- guy, just loud, and I don't like loud, repetitive, etc. Which he can be...Just an abrasive young man is all.

Though, as I am here, cleaning and tidying up, dishes are soaking to be done shortly, and the rest of the apartment doesn't look too bad (bathroom and bedroom are about all that is left to do), I'm also anticipating a date with an attractive young woman of like mind to myself.

When I say like mind, I refer to lifestyle choices. She's into the BDSM side of things, and has an interest in what Gor offers. I suppose I shall see where things lead there. Though if it does lead anywhere, it could be a significant money sink...Unlike past relationships, where I could get away with being simply 'kink', someone involved in the lifestyle, would require the tools of the trade.

Sadly, all of my paraphenalia (sp?) was left in the States when I was 19. So building that little collection back up will end up costing me dearly, especially for quality materials. However its nothing I'm particularly concerned with.

After all, I can't miss anymore time at work (note I don't say "much more time") as I'm sitting with a fair number of absences on my chart, and likely am teetering on the veritable edge of Termination. Which, if that happens, will lead to a rather rough run of things.

In any event, I am slowly starting to feel alive again. I think, one way or another, as a friendship, acquaintance, or other, interaction with someone who shares my view on things, is precisely what I need to get off my ass and start acting human again.

I may or may not have a post sometime this evening, giving a run down of what happened. Or it may be a day or two before I get around to it. You, my readers, understand by now, I'm sure, how sporadic this journal thing is for me.

So, in the meantime, stay safe, and live on, etc etc.


Peace out,

The Zodiak.

Told ya...

See? A Poem. Not a good one, cuz writing poetry in between really busy calls isn't easy....So here it is:


darkness bitter
cold disdain
unknown depression
controlled insane
mystery unsure
problems unsolved
heart destroyed
pain evolved
destructive hope
endless nightmare
powerless dream
souls will tear
nothing left
its all gone
why am I here?
where did I go wrong?

Pointlessly Depressed

Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. I'm not sure where it came from, ok, that's a lie...I know -exactly- where it came from. Which doesn't change the fact that its still there.
So, a friend of mine, or maybe more accurately, an acquaintance of mine, recently seperated from her husband, so she is, now, in essence, single. Which I suppose is something I should ignore, and not bother with on any level. Yes, she's cute, yes she has a sense of humour, and yes, I'd date her.

However, she is just an acquaintance. Because I don't have the funds to go out as often with the group, and because my manic depression is a pain in my ass, I don't go out as often, or for as long, it ends up being the social life that suffers for it.

In the end, what does this mean? It means, rather simply, that someone else in the social circle, is going to "reap the benefits" so to speak, of her being freshly single.

Though you know what? All the power to them. I have no issues with that, and in all seriousness, I don't. I know it, my mind knows it, my heart even knows it, but that cold, dark orb of depression that lurks behind the corner, wants to try and exploit it.

So yeah...I'm bitter right now. Perhaps more so then usual...Actually, a lot more then usual. Am Jaded in a way that probably isn't healthy, let alone smart.

So, there's been a huge gap, yet again, in the writings here. Gerry moved in with me for a little bit, his yearly break up with his woman. Which is common enough, though this one lasted a little longer. Three weeks to be exact, which I couldn't just foot as a friend. So there's $240 ($80 a week that he agreed to when crashing at my place) up in the air, which I may, or may not, ever see.

I try not to dwell on it. After all, if I managed without the money to this point (aside from being late on my bills, and telling my land lord I'd be a week late on rent) then I can live without it, and it will just be a pleasant surprise if he ever does pay it back.

I'm not sure what else there is to update for people....World of Warcraft is once again a barely passing interest...My account lapsed last friday, I'll probably renew it come tomorrow when my credit card gets its payment.

Aside from that, there's a darkness building up inside me again, holding me jaded and solemn to the world....Who knows what will end up happening....I imagine I'll leave poetry here within the near future....Just have the urge for it.

Nothing else to really say in the mean time.

Stay Safe,

The Zodiak.