Small Update

Note to self.... Five days off work = one messed up sleep schedule. I got perhaps 4 hours of sleep last night, finally passed out sometime between 5:30am and 6:00am.... Was awake at 9:30am and wasn't able to go back to sleep.

Needless to say, caffeine was my friend this morning.... two caffeinated mints before I even got in the shower. Which equates to 200 mgs of caffeine. Which is nothing compared to my gaming abuse... I get told that I'm suicidal when I abuse myself in the name of gaming.

Anyways... Contemplating buying Team Fortress 2.... a $10 game that is a fad among some of my friends. Bloody FPS. Why do I have friends that like these things when I so clearly don't, and why the hell do I want to play FPS in order to game with friends?

Bleh.... Can't fault a person for bad tastes.... I mean hell, look at my exes. (and yes, that can be taken two ways.)

So after four or more years out of gor aside from the odd dabble to spar some time more then three years ago, I find myself tempted to enter the realm again.

Not something I've had the temptation for in a very long time, and even after some minor, short lived roleplay, am not sure how strong that temptation is.

I suppose were I to play it smart, be a small playing member in a home, avoid owning slaves, stay out of the big stuff, and just coast through, I'd be fine.... After all, you can't neglect a slave if you don't own one, right?

I ended up slapping together some old images I had of Corey Taylor, ones that were hand-cut from a music video no less. Gotta love one of a kind images... They look so special when you butcher them into a craptastic avi.

WoW is still boring, something that I find a great disappointment. However what else is new? I'll coast a month or so wasting my money on it month after month before getting the urge and shredding to level 80 so fast people will wonder if I ever left.

Ok, maybe not -that- fast.... but fast enough.

The closer it comes to march, the more I look forward to the move, and hope I have the finances for it. I'm going to have to find a way to clean the apartment of the stains before it is shown. Stains left from water on the bedroom floor, and sir-pukes-a-lot spilling a beer or two in the living room. I'm thinking soap and paper towel... Or simply hire a maid service for a day, that works too, right? Will have to call and get price quotes, maybe do it in february.

Vincent needs to have his balls removed. That will be first or second pay in january, depending on cost and commission.

In truth, I may do all the pertinent stuff first pay in february, and all the moving stuff last pay in february, and pay rent first and second pay in march (to Rebecca, not my current land lords).
So you may be wondering why no mention of the holidays.... Well, that's because I already mentioned them in the previous post.... "bah humbug"..... I don't celebrate christmas, this is the third year I haven't celebrated it, which stands to reason that this would mean I have officially hit a habit.

This past weekend I was supposed to run a WoD mortal game, a zombie appocalypse in barrie with four players. It fell through, le sigh. Kinda disappointed in that.

I'm debating internally what to do about work. On one hand, I could approach Carol and tell her to review my medical records before coaching me on after call for termination. On the other hand, I could wait until it actually happens for me looking around for 10 seconds in after call while I let my blood pressure and anxiety fall, and then rub it in her face.

Of course, someone has brought into the equation that I could always sue them if they terminate me for reasons already laid out in my medical documentation..... How well -that- would go over, I don't know.... I've no doubts if they fired me for use of aftercall, with one refused coach, and one coach saying, "I have medical documentation for this"... that the peer review board would overturn such a decision quickly. I also have few doubts that due to depression, anxiety, and stress levels, that I'd be in my rights to legal action if they did fire me.

Who knows. *shrugs*

There's plenty of stuff going on in my life, nothing severe or unique. Merely "there" right now. This isn't a time I'd normally write an entry with so little happening, however I'm bored. So there you have it.

Peace out,

The Zodiak.

P.S.

House M.D. is hilarious.

A Holiday Announcement

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Bah Humbug.


That is All.

Just a Vent

So today has reminded me exactly why I prefer to call myself emotionally numb, as opposed to dead inside.

I'm one step away from losing my job, all because an ignorant, absent-minded, useless, piece of shit that likes to call herself a supervisor, wants me gone.

She claims I was avoiding work, claims that I was purposely pushing myself to the bottom of the queue. Yet her own description of the events even contradicts what she accuses me of.

Its a crock of shit, and it drives me up the wall. If it were any more obvious that she wanted me gone, she'd be parading a god damned sign around the fucking office.

Yes, I'm pissed, yes I'm fuming, and yes I despise that C-word.

Oh yeah, all valid fucking emotions, and I'll admit it, fully, completely, and utterly. Like I said, there's a reason I prefer the term "numb"... Its not that I CAN'T feel, its that it takes just that little extra fucking push to make it happen. I swear, this bitch knows how to push.

I've always been an Honest Scoundrel. I'll admit to being a Bad Person, yet a Good Man, but in being a bad person, I still have honor, pride, and integrity. If I do something, I'll fess up to it. Why? Because if I did it, I MEANT to do it, and as such if someone actually has the wit to catch me, why deny it?

This woman dares to tell me I was avoiding work. Dares to say I did it through a means which is worthy of instant termination if caught? She needs to get her head on straight.... Either that or get it knocked off.

Which of course is hardly fair, because I'd never hit a woman... Wonder how much it'd cost me to hire a woman to hit her for me.... Not that I can afford that either.

By all the gods, holy, unholy, and otherwise, I hope she rots in a vast abyssal hell bludgeoned repetitively with spiked cudgels.

Its not even so much that fact that I got the discipline. It pisses me off, and I refused the fucking thing, because it was/is a crock. What pisses me off about all the more, is the fact she WASN'T going to suspend me today. She wanted me to have the suspension tomorrow.

Some of you know, some of you don't, but tomorrow is the LAST day I work before christmas, until next monday. If I got suspended tomorrow, I'd lose my pay for the two holidays (christmas and boxing day) and as such would mean that the bitch cost me not 10hrs, but closer to 26hrs of pay.

I made a big deal of it, and it would have been an even bigger one, had she not had her decision over turned. I got the suspension today... But what happens because of that? Simple. Not only did they skip the step for a verbal progressive discipline (the first step for anything), but they also are now going to skip the final step before termination. So if I make one more wrong move within the next 2 months, I'm fired. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Out of the five steps for a disciplinary measure, they would have only done 3 (including the termination).

Probably makes a bit of a difference for me, because if they -do- fire me, would be a damned easy over turn in the peer review board since they felt the need to skip steps. I can be one hell of a diplomat when I want to be... And if I were going before a peer review board to keep that craptastic job, I'd likely be feeling pretty pissed off and fueled with hate. Which are both great emotions for fueling debate and argument.

I'm done. I'm just pissed off beyond all reason. I've done a lot of shit, just pisses me off to no end when they fucking try and nail me on something I DIDN'T do.

Fuck the World.

The Zodiak.

Deja Vu

Its been six years since I've started a conversation with someone, intending upon the truth of something, and physically feeling their respect, admiration, love, adoration, and friendship slide away in that one simple conversation.

Six years ago, I stopped lying, and I sat aside many people, dozens in fact, and told them so many truths, things I had lied about, manipulated, and tricked people into. Coming clean with all of my dirty laundry, pouring out all of the skeletons from my closet, and leaving my soul open for any to see.

Six years ago, my ICQ and MSN went from well over 300 people, down to less then 200.

Was a rather crushing blow to my self, such as it was, to lose so many friends... Lost a fair number of former lovers as well, even if they were only friends back then... It was a part of my life which I will always hold as the moment where I trascended the weakness of my secrets.

I've not felt that physical tearing at all, until tonight.

Had I truly been attached, or felt something more then a vague sense of hope of perhaps rising above the numbness within me, I'd perhaps be more broken about tonight's events.

Sarah didn't agree with my placement, of being emotionally dead, numbed within... She merely thought it a sad act... Admittedly, I was raised with roleplay (my Gorean upbringing existed much in an online roleplay community after all), and my mother and father were both manipulators... I took it in with mother's milk so to speak.

She posed a perfectly logical argument towards it, that emotion equates survival. One had to feel something in order to go to work, in order to push to pay bills, etc etc... In truth, I believe survival, and feeling, are very different things... Gerry and I, in a rare moment, agreed with each other on this.

Survival is of necessity. One works to pay the bills, eat, etc... This is not a concept of feeling (unless one enjoys their work -which we all know I don't-), but a concept of survival.

Simple enough, though irrelevent for the most part, dictionary definitions of a certain thing or not, matters little to a matter of opinion.

However, during her argument, she posed a simple question, a point of rhetoric that she, perhaps, thought would foil my ideals of being emotionally numb... How would I respond were she to declare her love for me? (rhetoric only, as I know she doesn't, couldn't, and tonight says 'would never' love me)

One would assume I'd give the most straight forward answer, the simple one which says my journal is a lie if one didn't read more deeply, or ask the right questions.... Externally, I'd react properly to it, kiss on the brow, a note of flattery, response of caring, hold her close.... internally, I'd not feel anything one way or another, not butterflies, no chill, no push for more.

I think perhaps, she was expecting something else. A denial, perhaps a more impressive line up of word games, as opposed to blunt, straight, honesty.

However, this started a small debate, in which I saw passion in her words... I also physically felt her respect for me leave, I saw her adoration of me as a friend vanish, and I saw what perhaps may have been a friendship which I was (as I often do) praying to be the answer to the numbness inside of me.

I know one might say, "You can't possibly know what she was thinking or feeling for that, Chris. It was words on a screen for one."

Well, that may be the case, indeed... Though she ended it all with one of the more insulting things I can think of... She called me an emo.... Right on top of that, she essentially called me an automaton.

Those two kind of contradict themselves, since emo is short for "emotional"... They also tend to scream their woe in self pity that is simply not there when there is no one to listen to it. I'm not emo, never have been. I don't advertise myself when I suffer, just as I don't demand people pity me. Emos are merely attention seeking children. I'd personally prefer to be left alone for the most part.

The conversation ended with her telling me that if she felt like talking to an auto-responsive computer, she'd contact me.... I've only ever seen one more absolutely definitive dismissal of a friendship/relationship, and that was from Darci when she found out I had lied to her.... Granted, back than I had more emotion and the involved passion in that argument was a little more flamboyant.

That being said, and that off my mind... Its a pity, as she really did seem much like me in many ways. Not often you find a kindred spirit like that... Go figure I had to blow it cuz I don't lie.

You know, I find it a little strange, that the only two times I've physically felt the withdrawal of friendship and respect, were both times I told the truth. Makes me wonder, idlely, why the hell I ever stopped lying? People don't want the truth, they want something shiny and distracting... The truth is blunt and dull with neglect.

I suppose back then, I stopped lying because I wanted to purge myself of secrets and weakness.... Now? Now I don't lie because I'm not sure, without the emotional expression behind it, I could lie near as well as I once could.

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revision
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Yes, a revision of a journal that isn't to remove stuff, but add a little more. Funny, ain't it?

Glancing at Sarah's own journal, I can see her concern as a friend for my issues. Which I can understand her point of view in things.... Admittedly, its not like I haven't admitted suffering from clinical and manic (yes, both) depression before.

Her concern over this, is perhaps valid... However when I truly suffered, in an open manner, from depression, the kind of diagnosis the doctors said required medication, I still -felt- something. A hopelessness, a darkness, suicidal tendencies, dark thoughts, desire for death, etc etc etc.... My poetry from my youth reflects as much... (if ever I was emo, it was my younger years... though I still didn't advertise the suicide attempts... hell, failures ain't something to show off).

So this revision is for you, Sarah... I know what I suffer from mentally, and I do not respect psychiatrists because of their approach to the issue. I've been to enough, seen enough work, and studied enough -yes, actual study-... And I don't believe that the human mind, its mannerisms, and a human being, can be reduced to chemical balances, horomones, and clinical terms. I don't do shrinks because I'm not words in a book, just like I don't do meds because of those I've been on, not one has done sweet fuck all but deaden the world even more.

Don't think me ignorant of the issue... I merely stopped caring what was in books that say the same shit without offering a real solution.

C'est la Vie,

TheZodiak

How do you Plead?

Guilty.

Now before I get into that, I would like to open up with a simple statement. The third book in the Mistborn trilogy was superb, with a surprise ending that I didn't see coming until more then three quarters through the book.

That being said, the ending was a little disappointing, and I can't tell if he left it open ended for the reader, or for himself. It has potential for an off-shoot story or trilogy, similar to Orson Scott Card and his "Ender's" series which were -true- only one book sets, but each one opened for another facet of the story to be told.

The book made me laugh, made me smile, and was over all a great read. I devoured it in four days total.

Anyways, about Guilt.... My own, really.

I'm an Actor on many respects, and a chameleon on others. I act how I believe people want me to act, how I perceive my situation, usually determines my reaction. Be it joy, happiness, sorrow, regret, etc.

I've been found out in this charade, though perhaps not intentionally, and it may be the person's own interest in me which caused her to comment in a manner which she likely expected a different response. To be fair, my response was in essence, "I plead the fifth."... Sadly, my right to remain silent for fear of incriminating myself, tends to lead to a slight patch of dishonor on my mind and soul for lying.

I suppose faking an emotion can be considered a form of lying, in which case, the past three or so years of my life has been a lie. This of course is in retrospect and from a perceived point of view. Many views can change many things... To some, they could call it not a lie, but a preservation of self. Or perhaps even look to it as a subconsious truth.

The fact of the matter is, I am a High Malk... Someone who manipulates the world around them. Its not something I control, merely how I am. I tend to have charisma, be fast on my feet mentally, and have a smooth wit. Sometimes I am even charming.

That being said, much of my fast reactions, my swift thoughts, and my charm, came from my emotions... Be they dark, light, or somewhere inbetween. I can't deny my mind has dulled over the years... Not from lack of practice, for indeed, my mental sparring matches with people such as Neal and Gerry could have kept me sharp... Had I truly had an effort behind my retorts.

I've not had effort for some time. I wish I truly knew when it left me, if I knew, I could devise how to perhaps return to it, to have faith, remember, or even sink into darkness to regain something of my creativity from back then.

I react to things. Does it mean I lie when I say something like, "I care for you"? No... Not in my mind... Does it mean I'm wrong when I say, "I feel bad for that"? No... Not in my mind.

They are not whole truths.... As I can't truly grasp the exact nature of where I place things, events, and people, in my mind. They are generalizations, how I know I -should- feel... Even if the exact nature of the feeling seems to elude my nature.

Its probably why I'm shitty at showing empathy on my calls at work. How I can say, "I'm sorry to hear that." Without being able to relate how I can understand. Its hard to understand human stupidity after all...

Anyways.... In the Case of myself vs. my mental instabilities, I have been charged with falsifying my own emotions in order to better put across what I should feel when I feel very little to begin with. How do I plead?

Guilty.

Not really another way to put it across. Its a harsh case, and I'm the only jury. I'm also the prosecutor and defender... With that in mind, I'm all for and against me. Might as well come clean.

Have a good one,

The Zodiak.

One Step Closer

One step closer to the darkness that once plagued me at every turn. Suppose its an object of hate and loathing with would bring about that kind of thing... Velrik never had an issue with hate and loathing. Might be an explanation as of to why I've not found a Muse in the past years while seeking one, because I was looking for someone to inspire me through joy, love, and happiness, when in truth, all my writing in the past came from the exact opposite... depression, self-loathing, hate, and misery... With that in mind, a supervisor at work is picking away at my tolerance, my sanity, the parts of me which has always led me to shrug off everything and anything as inconsequencial.

I've been dead inside of everything from joy to hate for the past two or three years, that to actually feel the corner of my eye twitch in irritation, to know its more then stress, but a genuine dislike of this woman, kind of feeds what would be my inspiration. Hate is a negative emotion, a dark impact on the light of the world... I avoid those emotions, too much energy wasted on it.

However hate, loathing, misery, etc... fuel a side of me that I tend to keep under lock and key.At the same time, these rare flares of emotion, tend to be few and far between, and it takes a consistent, and rather dedicated, pushing of my buttons to even get this kind of a rise.Now, were I capable of tapping it on a consistent basis, I think I might very well write more.... as opposed to feeling impotent in that manner.Sarah spent the night on friday... We didn't sleep at all.

Mostly stayed up talking, did several readings of Tarot... For a girl that says she doesn't believe (though keeping an open mind), she seemed genuinely fascinated with the cards.Admittedly, I've an innate Talent for Tarot, and readings I do, with my energy instilled in the cards, tends to be strangely accurate. Which of course hinges on ones beliefs in that manner....

We ended up watching Sweeney Todd, talked randomly, and I got the front to back plot outline for her novel... Was pretty impressive. Even I can admit that were I writing her book, I'd be over extended and stretched thin. She manages to pull off almost a dozen major and side characters in her book, all introduced through the chapters... Its impressive that she does it, and still manages to pull off the plot progression. Its subtle, with what seems more character development then story, however it gets there in the end, with actual purpose no less.

We touched, briefly, on an old story of my own. Morinel however is likely a tale which will never be told. The story of my darkness is foremost in my mind... Velrik's journey through life. Its there, and its active in my mind. More a matter of -how- to put it across, along with of course the need for inspiration.So saturday was a day where I was in a near coma for much of it. Slept until near 11pm, was up for two hours, then slept for another 12 hours. I feel slightly bad for not hanging out with Sarah on sunday when I said I would.

Admittedly, Shaun was giving me access to his washer/dryer and including a ride. I can't turn that down, not to mention its been so long since I've actually hung out with him.Anyways, that about covers everything up to date... Am trying to push myself with WoW, though am honestly waiting for that duel spec option with the patch in order to level my paladin... Over all, I just need to take the breather from the game in order to get amused with it again.

So without further adeiu, the poetry which spawned in my mind during the darkness of tolerating that ignorant, nitpicking, incompetent, ignorant, supervisor at work:

Madness creeps slowly forward
darkness in my mind untold
loathing hate and cruel intentions
darkest thoughts now unfold
voidless rage unhindered anger
unforgiven pain, unknown pleasure
masochistic sadist action
screams my own now to treasure
soul blacker then deepest pitch
heart decrepid and rotting within
mind awash with insane ideas
body torn by irredeemable sin
endless torment on oceans of fire
inspiration from the caged beast
emerald demon watching waiting
devouring joy and love -- a feast
lost control and gained back barely
nowhere to turn but inside
watching the beast feed on emotion
nowhere to run, nor to hide


Cheers,

Zodiak

PS

Got my New cell phone today... Blackberry Curve 8900.... Its so pretty... It'll keep me confused for a month before I figure it out.

Strange Pronounciations of reminiscing stuff...

Nice title eh? I originally had the title of, "reminscings of the past" but then as I was walking home, things were going through my mind of a bizarre nature to the pronounciations of a couple words which I used to use with frequency.

Anyways, what brought this on, is that I met a girl (no, get your minds out of the gutter... actually, nah, leave em there, but it ain't like that)... This girl I could swear is me with breasts... Ok, nicer breasts, and less hair.

Onwards... She's a gamer too, and we were discussing the fact she wants to start a vampire game while she's in town... New WoD, which I don't really appreciate that much, however its been so long since I've roleplayed, I find myself contemplating it with great anticipation.

Which brings me to strange pronounciations... Celerity. Its a great ability which allows the user to move with super human speed... One of those staple abilities of the vampire culture. Its a staple that, like caramel, (car - A - mel.... the "a" is there for a reason, its not carmel), has a different pronounciation depending on who's lips it passes.

Some say Kelerity, which I think seems silly, since it makes it sound like Clarity... Which is hardly something you get when running at 100 MPH... Others (like myself) pronounce it Selerity, which seems to make more sense. Every instance I can think of, where a C precedes an E, it makes an S sound... Such as cease, deceive, cell, cerebral...

Just makes sense that it would make an "S" sound in this case as well. Just one of those strange musings that comes and goes, really... Granted, this one could not enter my mind without the next strange pronounciation of Vampire coming to it as well... Brujah.

The great and Mighty Brujah, power houses of strength and enforcement (look, another C S sound)... I personally am torn on the proper pronounciation of these brutes. There are, again, two ways to say it.... "Brew - Ja" and "Brew - Ha" ...

Both hold valid merit, really... I mean, the J can be silent, a la Jesus (the mexican name), or it could be hard like Jury.... I personally tend to lean towards the silent J (not that I think jesus is spanish, its much much older). Just one of those oddities, really.

So I found myself falling into a roleplay room not too long ago... I have found that I have evolved. Or at least progressed... Moved forward, for good or bad. I remember, when starting, I wrote in the third person, perfection in a story, written from an omnipotent narrator within a room. I controlled the character from above... "He smirked as his emerald eyes swept the room in a calm gaze..." It was the kind of thing which seemed natural to me when I was young.

I'm not sure when the change took place, at some point in my late teens to be sure, or maybe mid teens. I adapted to first person, immersed myself deeper into the characters I played. It wasn't merely a narrator quoting their actions, I was them and I performed their actions... "My shoulders rolled smoothly, the snap and crack of my collar bone rippled as the motion completed, I let my right hand touch to the sword on my left hip..."

Just a different approach to the same thing.... However, it also led to a... unique... style as well. One which was impossible to step from, and near as impossible to hide. So when I wanted to hide myself in roleplay, I slid into a third person perspective.

I'm out of practice. One night of roleplay in a medieval room, and I found myself touching up and -editing- my posts... changing the "I" and "My" to "His" and "He"... Talk about nerve wracking.

It occured to me about two hours into this night of roleplay, however, two things... One: It was far too difficult to write in the third person, thus I was out of practice... every post was a struggle. And Two: I've been gone so long, away from my element for such an extended time... Who would recognize me anyways? Even if I announced my name from the message boards.... No one knows Zodiak, Malacoda... No one remembers Velrik, Logain, Javehn... No one cares.

Which is good, in the end. I don't want to be remembered... It did of course mean that the rest of the night went much more smoothly for me, I flipped to first person and the posts didn't require editing, and were much more flowing.

Ah well... I find I miss those days of yore... The times when I could write with my eyes closed and have a post of crystal perfection, in three rooms plus msn, and not miss a beat while I jotted down notes and wrote casually in one story or another just to fill in the dead air.

I miss much of it. However that is not me anymore...

Sarah.... Now there is something that could be me. She and I are so alike.... To hear her speak of herself, I'm looking in a mirror. There are differences, slight changes which seem to be merely a different path taken in life... I find it surreal to meet someone who could so mimic my mind and emotional state, without something being wrong in it somewhere.

It has taught me something, however... opposites may attract, but exact doubles mimic.

Or something like that anyways......

Oh! Work update. I got a target on my forehead... Someone I thought was a friend ratted me out to a supervisor, who locked her sights on me. I got three progressive discipline coaches in four days, and was suspended for a day.... I got so many shots into my record at that place, it isn't even funny. Got my meeting for absences, one more and I'm gone. Got my meeting for lates, three more and I'm gone....

I work through this month and it resets, though. So that is something to look forward to... 22 more days, many of which I have off.... 10/22 days off... Including weekends.

Ah well, there's stuff for you to chew on till I get around to this thing again.

Cheers,

The Zodiak.