Fanfic

Link to the lil short story I wrote for Rught... Figured I'd share it.

http://velrikchronicles.blogspot.com/2011/06/fanfic-for-her.html

The Hurt Makes it Beautiful

Late night swims are love.

They give a chance for my mind to lose itself in the simplicity of the water lapping against my body, not to mention the exercise that it promotes. Though getting into the water takes me almost five minutes... Fuck that shit is COLD!!!

Finished my first original short story in a long time. It was a style of fanfic, but it was written for Rught. It took a lot for me to decide if I wanted to finish it, or leave it dead in the water after everything that happened. However, an unfinished project with an end, is worse than an unfinished project from writer's block.

So she received that in her email tonight.

This week has been up and down. Hung out with a friend on Monday, and fell in love almost immediately with his sparring blades. Padded PVC style foam swords. Proper sparring pieces for practice. They leave a nice smack, but not enough to actually hurt on more than a "son of a...! Ok, next!" basis. Well, unless fluke chance opens up your thumb and the strike hits right on top of the knuckle... In that case, you're going to be out of commission after the adrenaline wears off. That did hurt a bit. Was swollen for two days.

Still, was a lot of fun. Hung out with another friend monday night. Tuesday was a quiet day, and wednesday was as well. Which is fine by me, I like quiet days. Thursday was a day full of being a guy... Played video games, beat on each other with swords, played more games. Was essentially a repeat of monday, but without the alcohol that monday involved (got drunk monday, as a side note... he got drunker). It also went longer, and was a lot of fun.

Making new friends is always a benefit in my life, cuz I've got too few of them that don't try to screw me over in some way or another, and Travis seems like too decent of a guy to do that. Not to mention there's nothing really to screw me over with, so he's easy to trust lol

I was supposed to get together with him today to wreck a pretty lady... However when I finally -did- wake up, felt like crap. So had to cancel. However, me being me, and being as great and amazing as I am. I was able to adjust scheduling to fit it in tomorrow before the party. So go me.

On the front of my property with Brig... He's made it vanish. A disappearing act of the xbox. So suppose that forces my hand on what happens there. I have to drop it, because he hid it out of the house somewhere. How long it will stay out of the house and hidden, I can't say. However it is a crock of shit that he feels the need to actually perform something so childish.

Then again, this is the same man that actually hid a coffee cup and called it "small justice".. I hate children in adult bodies. I find it pathetic that people feel the need to justify their existence through the pain of others, or think that immature behaviour is as acceptable act.

It doesn't help when people encourage it with a "haha that is funny." or, "good going!"... Positive reinforcement of childish antics is not the way to go about it. However, the Barrie fet community is full of such things.

Live and learn, and figure out where you should be, and be there.

There's not a lot to share, really. Rught and I are at a stalemate... Which is to say, I'm not dealing with her attitude anymore, and she's no longer waking me up with texts or anything else. There is no back and forth flirtation or confusion anymore, it's not there, not going to happen, ever, and after her crucifixion of me over something with no proof save for rumours, well... Not gonna deal with that if something actually -did- happen.

There's no prospects, or people in my life, or even on the peripheral of my life, that I look at in that context, simply because I find myself to be better than them. Which is terribly egotistical. However, someone should at least be close to my intellectual equal to be involved with me. I'm not super intelligent, I'm hardly a genius, however I know how to spell, I know what grammar is, and I know that the "butterfly effect" is more than a mediocre Ashton Kutcher movie.

Seems my generation is cursed with a lack of interest for the intellectual. A conversation should not utilize the word, "like" or "totally" every second to third word... Because, like, they were totally, like, omg, and then, like, he totally said, like, that he liked her, and like, it was totally, wow!

*twitch twitch*

"Valley kids" are what they were called when I was younger. It was no more attractive then, as it is now. And yet... They exist. They exist in abundance. It truly astounds me that such a thing is not only out there, but kinky.

Anyways... Not a lot to share, and yet I've still managed to ramble on for a decent amount.

I may, or may not, post the three page story I wrote for Rught. Suppose it will depend on her opinion of it, if she likes it that is... Who knows.

Cheers.

The High Road Above

Winds are sharp and footing treacherous
on the high road above
temptation is abundant and ever present
on the high road above
the acts of others grow like brambles
on the high road above
good intentions fall to shambles
on the high road above
the road above will take it's toll
with mockery and horrid deceit
it will suck and drain at your soul
but you sow what you shall reap
what others say and others see
what others do and you believe
with higher morals and honor key
will be what you yourself will leave
for the winds are sharp and footing treacherous
on the high road above

You take the low road, I'll take the high road.

Which is getting harder and harder to maintain.

I don't want to sink to Brigham's level, but at the same time, he's now decided that trash talking me is not only acceptable, but to him is the "Truth". Furthermore, he has decided that theft is perfectly acceptable, and his sense of entitlement gives him the right to steal and keep my x-box all for himself, despite the kindness I showed in leaving it there for him to keep himself occupied.

He says I'm not getting it back. That there is no way in hell he'll let me take it back, or let someone pick it up for me.

My options are plentiful, of course.

I can ask someone to retrieve my property and hope that they can do so, or choose to. The problem with this, is it means I'm dragging someone into the situation, which of course is a bad thing to do to anyone. I want to take the high road in this, after all, so I don't want to drag someone into the shit storm that is this problem between Brig and myself. There are neutral parties still there, and I know who they are, however in the same breath, anyone on "Team Chris" won't go to the parties he hosts, so I have no friends on the "inside" so to speak, and everyone on "Team Brig" eats up everything he tells them like they're dying of thirst and his words are water.

I can try and get a ride there and back to get it myself, and involve the police if it gets hairy, however that in itself isn't going to go over well, given his temper and pentient for violent outbreaks. He'd likely assault me before the cops got there, or something similarly aggressive.

I can take him to small claims court. Which is expensive and no guarentee I'd get my property back by the end of it. So that's a silly choice.

I can let it go. I can drop the whole thing, consider the x-box a loss, and leave it where it is. This seems to be the popular option to work with, as it is the path of least resistance, and the most likely one to succeed (since it just requires me ignoring him from here on out).

And finally, I can sink to his level, call his mother, and tell her that he deals drugs from his house, using his cell phone that she pays for and is in her name to do it. This is a highly petty and childish option, and the exact kind of thing he would do in my place.

The above options are open for discussion, so to speak... No one knows which would be the best route to take, though so far, the general consensus is... Is the console worth the trouble?

On top of this, someone I thought was a friend, has a problem with me for something I didn't even know I did. I try and track it in my mind, and come up empty. It's hard to track an individual event when you have no idea when it supposedly happened.

Now because of -this- event, I'm not invited to a b-day BBQ this weekend for two friends. Which seems pretty damned confusing to me. I mean, I've got no problems with it. I have enough shit going on with stress and Brig and life, and bills and figuring out who does and doesn't like me due to Brigham's running mouth, to let one person not liking me, and my disclusion of one event, to make that big of a difference.

Sure, it sucks, but you know what? I rather know they don't like me, than not know and go on thinking they -do-... Makes for less awkward conversation attempts on my part.

In the end, today has been very stressful, a major pain in the ass, and none of it matters in the end, because in the end, shit happens, and I'm gonna have to suck it up and find my own solution to my own problems.

Just wish it were a lil less fucked up and easier to work with than, "let it go."

Cheers.

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain

Time to roll the dice. Matrim Cauthon says that line in the Wheel of Time... Time to take a chance, see where the pips fall. This time they came up the Dark One's eyes.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first. Another good saying my father used to tell me. Or how about Bryan Adams?

If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride
All dreams and desires would ride along side
Worries and troubles would fall off behind
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride

So Rught (the girl I've been speaking of for the past month), has decided that rumour is grounds for dismissal. Or perhaps reading my blog here and my venting about how I feel about her, or want to feel, or what has transpired, gave her the idea that she wanted me gone from her life entirely. Whatever the case, I got two back to back texts from her last night, the first asking me if I loved her, and when I asked where that came from, she hit back immediately with an accusation with no basis save word of mouth.

Either I lied to her, or I lied to others. Of course I fucking lie to others. I manipulate others too, and deceive... When was it, last january? No, 2009 sometime... When I finally admitted that the truth kick, as great as it was, was not the true me, and though I can be true and honest with those in my life I care for, it's hardly a requirement for anyone else in my life. In the words of Gregory House, "People Lie."

So yes, people lie, I lie, she lies, and has lied, and she accuses me of lying to her when I haven't. But people do lie. I lie to others, I lie to many people. In fact, the list of those I refuse to lie to, is very short. Amanda, Neal, alei, Cherry, and a few others as well. Rught was part of that list until last night when she decided my guilt without a trial.

Not much to do about it. Of course, irony of ironies.... A gift I bought for her a week ago (almost exactly), just arrived in the mail today. She doesn't want it, tells me to "donate it to a child who would like it." ... Not about to happen, as I believe in the intent behind a toy, there's an energy behind intention, an energy behind the giving. Some other people of similar placement may be able to accept such a gift, but a child? Nope.. Not gonna bother with that. She says I'm being dishonourable and petty.

I think of it in comparison to the collar I gave chandra. It symbolized her devotion to me, and mine to her. When we broke up, she couldn't return it... Well, she could have, but I'd be obligated to put it in the garbage (well, a fire pit would be more appropriate due to tradition), as opposed to some people who just hand them out like second class icons.

Gifts are unique... So I have this one, a little black crow named Badtz Maru... And I have the choice of putting it in the garbage... Rechanneling it for a lil bit and giving it to someone that matters, or keep him around as a memory and reminder of what -not- to do. Similar to the 2' pikachu in my closet.

She accused the gift of being a level of courting (and proving her imaginary point of me wanting to date her), because I don't buy presents for my other female friends. No, sometimes I don't. But I take Amanda out for dinner once a month or so, I used to do things specifically for Erika in WoW before she moved servers. I always do nice things for the women in my life. At the same time, I do nice things for the men in my life too (no gayness meant). I mean hell, I treat Neal to dinner now and then, he does same for me. I gave Shaun a gift of a Wii controller last year off season for gifts. Etc etc.

I'm a giving guy. This is something that is -standard- practice for me. If I have extra, I like to spread it around to those I give a damn about, because simply, it's just me. I gave dani a spirit stone before I moved out, something that was a gift to me from a shaman, which helped me through some hard times, and will hopefully help her.

Venting my emotions here is my way of dealing with them so I don't have them interupt, or get in the way of my real life. The world out there, and the words here, are touched by very fine strings. When I have no emotions to temper, and don't have something I need to keep leashed, I don't post as much. When I have problems, when I have issues, when I need to temper myself... I post more. Fuck, look at 2009 compared to 2007, 2008, 2010... I had so much shit going on in 2009 that the posts piled up because of the issues I had going on. Did any of them matter? Did any of them actually change how I acted, or performed certain things? Nope, not at all.

It merely helped me balance thought to action. Simple as that.

But ya know what? I'm going for a midnight swim I think. The day was hot, the evening is tepid, and the pool is 71 degrees farenheit.

I could use the distraction, swim another hundred meters and I may be dazed enough to not care that I just got my ass shredded for no reason other than she wanted an excuse to get me gone.

Cheers!

Roll and stroll.

"The one I like about you is that you take it all in stride. When I think of you I think of the phrase 'Roll and Stroll'" - Cherry.

That was a compliment paid to me by a man I like to think is a friend. Someone who I'm told I have a lot in common with.

Nothing bothers me, because the truth is, you can't take it seriously. The moment you start to dwell on one thing, something else is going to back up into it, and then you have two things bothering you, then three, then four, and before you know it, you're having your third nervous breakdown at 17 years old, and you don't know where the fuck any of it even began.

So I don't let it bother me.

Things slip through though. The really small things that slip through the cracks, the things on the peripheral of my defenses like the problems of other people. Or the massive things, the things that are so gargantuan that I have no choice but to acknowledge their existence, or be destroyed under the aftermath.

I have friends, friends have problems, doubts, depression, issues with friends, family, work. Problems with life and love, with themselves, their own self worth, self doubt. I'm supposed to be supportive of them. Me.

I mean, fuck. Look at my blog, look at these posts. I'm broken to shit most of the time, my mind is a god damned bio hazard, my thought process is apathetic as often as not. How do you support depression in someone else, when you can't even support your own? How do you offer support for something that can't be helped, when it's a pure random chance of circumstance?

People used to expect everything of me. I left those people behind, one by one, over the years. None of them are in my life, except on the peripheral, like bobbi. I had no one relying on me for the longest time, no one that cared what I thought, how I felt, if I could or could not help them, no one expecting me to be a rock, no one expecting me to be there to hear their problems, pat them on the shoulder and say, "there there, it will be alright."

It was lonely, sure, it was sad, of course. But it was also safe. I broke under the pressure before, I shattered like the water on the rocks of those rapids. I can be strong for one person at a time, and right now, that person has to be me. My other option is to be strong for someone else, and need someone else to be strong for me. It's a damned co-dependent situation that just doesn't work for me right now.

I have friends, supportive friends, right now; and I'd be lying if I said I'd be better off without them. Because I wouldn't be. I would be miserable, I would be more broken than I am now.

I may love a girl that wants nothing more than friendship, because she doesn't believe she's ready for more. I can't let myself love her, it has to be on the peripheral. It has to be on the outside of everything. I care for her though, I want her happy, safe, secure. I want her looked after. My payment for this, is I scare her. Great.

I'm in a new home, a new situation, a new dynamic that I actually don't mind. I'm the middle ground of things, here. One roommate spends most of her time downstairs, the homeowner spends her time downstairs, the other roommate is more of a hermit than I ever could be (minds me of me outside of Newmarket), and then there's me. I spend my time in my room, I've been writing more, I go downstairs for food, chat with my roommates, go out to the store, head over to alei's and chill, intend to visit another friend that lives right around the corner, so on so forth.

God... I admitted I may love her. I should edit that out, but you know what? It's me, being me, being honest. Not going to change. She doesn't read this anyways, so what's it matter? I could love her, wholly and completely, if she let me. She'll never let me though, not anytime soon at least.

One thing to another. Yes, this is a pity party, the guest roster is myself and anyone stuck reading this.

I want to be there for my friends. However the strength I can offer is so limited right now, I wonder if it is worth what I can offer. Especially when I get into moods like this, where all I think is, "Really? That's your problem? You're fucking kidding, right?" and my lack of a filter between mind and mouth is pretty much null and void, so that is what comes out.

Ah well... Offending the masses is a talent. People hate me, let them. Before I moved, dani told me that a lot of people found me arrogant and abrasive. I am arrogant, and I am abrasive. What else is new, seriously? It's pretty standard for me. I'm a lot of other things too. I can be funny, enlightening, and I am loyal, honest, etc...

So yeah... Let it go, I suppose. People hate me, fine, nothing to be done.

Cheers.